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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
5:45 am
66 Comments
Surprise! New season of The Apprentice! I guess this wasn’t much of a surprise for people who watched the Olympics, which I did, but still, there was a remarkable lack of buzz heading into this season premiere. I’m sure the new time slot on Mondays didn’t help matters much either. I hope that the ratings don’t take too much of a hit because quite frankly, this premiere rocked. Wait, let me put more emphasis on that. It ROCKED! Of course, I’m a ‘uge Apprentice fan and have rarely ever poo-pooed an episode. That’s because I firmly believe the show follows a great formula that’s only heightened by Trump’s excellent command of the Boardroom. And let’s face it, that’s where all the fun stuff is.
Truthfully, this premiere episode didn’t start out as anything necessarily better than any other Apprentice premiere — that is, until we moved into that hallowed Boardroom and all sorts of silly accusations flew. This was a fantastic showdown, replete with an angry George, a pissed of Carolyn, and a fuming Trump. And that’s really all I need. If this Boardroom was a sign of things to come, all I have to say is that Mondays might be my new favorite night of TV (24, Prison Break, Gauntlet 2, among others).Now, I know what some of you might be saying. “The Apprentice has gotten so old and lame.” Well, to that I say boo. It became very trendy this year to attack The Apprentice. I didn’t balk much. Such is the nature of backlashes — I understand them. People may forget that Survivor suffered through a backlash period that started with Africa and didn’t end until Amazon. But after this fall’s awesomely insane season of The Apprentice, I think it’s time to take a stand and say that it’s no longer embarrassing to be that guy in the corner who says, “I… I still like The Apprentice.” So now I say, let the healing begin, and let us re-embrace the show that turned corporate sponsorship into a warm and fuzzy family viewing.
You’d think NBC paid me off, but I assure you they didn’t. Lest I blow all my credibility with such ebullient gushing, let me get on with the show. The big premiere began with quick glimpses of the candidates. Okay, mainly just the hottie women — a.k.a. the women. There was one girl practicing yoga, another playing tennis (walking around in a bikini too, natch), and then another beauty talking to her Filipino mom. For variety, we also heard from a guy who bragged that he was just like Trump — yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever — and then we headed over to Republic Airport in Long Island, NY, where a silver Mercedes sped down the runway, stopping at the base of a private airplane. Are people allowed to drive their sports cars on the tarmac? I suppose if you’re Donald Trump you can. And yes, it was Donald Trump behind the wheel of this very, very expensive vehicle. In case we didn’t exactly know he was, however, he reminded us.
“I’m Donald Trump!” he blared after he stepped out. He gave the usual spiel about looking for an apprentice, and then he boarded his airplane where he spieled some more. Eventually, the aircraft took off and flew to… Manhattan? That really made no sense. Was it really necessary to take a plane from Nassau County to New York City? Whatever happened to the old helicopter? I mean, I know it’s very hoi polloi, but are you not above sensibility?
Anyhoo, we then watched the new opening credits, which was followed by more hasty introductions to the cast. You know how this goes. Bragging, bragging, stepping off a subway, bragging, bragging, hailing a cab, bragging, bragging, hey — that guy has a British accent, more bragging, and yup, just a tad more bragging on top of that. Well, once everyone was done listing all their accolades and accomplishments, they then filed into Trump’s private plane. Wait a second! I thought he was in the air, flying to New York! Methinks this plane never took off in the first place! I smell a conspiracy.
Trump, meanwhile, was holed away in his cabin, talking on the phone. “Alright, I just landed,” he said. You didn’t just land. Your plane is at the exact same airport! Besides, we SAW you drive up to the plane. You think we forgot about that? Anyway, he continued, “I’m going to see the candidates. I’ll be in in about an hour.” And with that, Trump arbitrarily dropped the phone into a little box, as if that would cause it to magically hang up. I’m all for the fake scenes, but this was really too slapdash for me.
Anyway, The Donald emerged from his room and addressed his new supplicants. And what a bunch they were. About half of them looked like somebody else. For instance, there was Andy from season two. Oh wait, that was just Lee, his long lost brother. And hey! Look! Orlando Bloom’s on this season!! Oh… mistaken again. That was just a guy named Tarek.
Well, the whole gang stepped off the plane — or deplaned, as they say. “Deplane” is my favorite real word that sounds crazy made up. Clearly it was forced into the English language by the sheer will and determination of thousands of flight attendants. Seriously, when I get out of my car, I don’t “decar.” And I don’t “deboat” or “desubway” or “detrolley.” Sheesh. Anyway, with everyone lined up on the tarmac, Trump addressed the group once again.
“It’s very, very windy out here today,” he said, adding, “Being windy is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!!” Okay, he didn’t say that, but I sure did imagine it. The Donald had all the candidates introduce themselves and speak about their credentials. This gave us yet another opportunity to gaze upon the various dopplegangers in the crowd. I was particularly amused by Stacy, who seemed to be a careful blend of Jules from I Want To Be A Hilton and Nakomis from Big Brother 5, with a touch of Project Runway’s Nina Garcia for good measure.
There was also Theresa who bore a striking resemblance to last season’s Felisha, but with some subtle Sandra Lee touches. But then we came back to Mr. Bloom, a.k.a. Tarek, who was now trumpeting his greatest accomplishment: “I’m also a member of MENSA, meaning I have an IQ in the top two percent of the world.” And apparently such membership grants Tarek access to an infinite supply of hair gel. I personally have never met anyone so proud to be in MENSA. For Tarek’s sake, I like to think that the producers insisted that he play that up because honestly, it just doesn’t carry the weight that it used to anymore. I mean, Geena Davis is in MENSA for crying out loud. My buddy took the test as a joke and got in. Let’s not get carried away here.
Anyway, Trump decided to make Tarek and a girl named Allie the project managers (Allie was cut from the wee mini-Apprentice mold that brought us such candidates as season 2′s Stacy and season 4′s Brian). As PMs, the two were tasked with picking their own teams, a process that eventually turned into the competition for who could make the most flowery, insincere compliments possible. “The handsome man in the orange tie.” “The lovely lady in the brown.” “The gentleman with the wonderful British accent.” “The beautiful girl in the brown.” I half expected Tarek and Allie to go really wild. “I’ll take the ruggedly handsome gentleman whose baby blue eyes seem to breathe compassion while his determinedly clenched lips speak to a certain intensity, a warrior in the making perhaps — a business man, a fighter, an artist, a lover.” And “lover” would, of course, be pronounced “love-ah.”
With the teams picked, Trump detailed the season’s first task: use a Goodyear blimp to drive business towards Sam’s Club. The team that sold more Sam’s Club memberships would win. Ah yes. A delicate mixture of corporate product placement and silly airborne transportation. As her team rode in a van to their destination, Allie expressed some of that naive optimism that fuels so many early project managers. She praised her group, saying that she had the nine most talented people on her squad. Yeah, well, that changed about two seconds later when the hefty and shiny Brent suggested a team name of “The Killer Instinct Corporation.” Um. No. But I suppose it was better than his second suggestion, “The really, really good team that’ll win a lot and stuff.”
Okay, I made that last one up, but I wouldn’t put it past Brent to sneak such a title in. The team instead opted for the more palatable yet generic name of “Synergy.” Sounds good. Meanwhile, over in Tarek’s van, the greasy-haired (yet ever so pretty) project manager once again pulled the MENSA card on us. “Being in MENSA, the one thing that it allows me to do is think on my feet very quickly,” he said. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s not a quality that goes hand in hand with MENSA membership, but that’s okay. We’ll forgive you as long as you don’t make a sequel to Kingdom of Heaven. Shit, got him mixed up with Orlando again.
Anyway, Tarek pushed for the name “Gold Rush Corporation,” which wasn’t the best, but hey at least it wasn’t– hold on a second. Pausing to look away from the screen. I could have sworn that I just saw Medusa. Turns out it was just Summer, a restauranteur who housed a nest of ungainly curls on top of her head. Luckily, they were not snakes, but actual hair, so I was saved from a certain stone-like existence. Phew.
Curls-a-plenty
Back at Synergy, the team was now brainstorming at Sam’s club. Killer Instinct Brent was trying to come up with some in-store promotion ideas, but sadly, his concepts (karaoke, makeovers) were mostly duds — shocking, I know. Amusingly, Allie didn’t want to actually put down her teammate; so instead she cranked up the euphemism machine and said, “Brent has some professional idiosyncrasies… I appreciate his energy. He’s full of it. Full of energy, that is.” Translation: he’s a total idiot who can’t stop talking.
Eventually, Brent did stumble onto a good idea: massages. He excitably pushed the concept onto Allie, who replied, “That’s a great idea, Tammy.” Either “Tammy” was Allie’s pet name for Brent (unlikely) or the PM just completely gave someone else credit for Brent’s hard work. Sorry, dude. Unless you can learn to look like Orlando Bloom, you won’t be receiving any respect on this season.
Over at Gold Rush, Tarek put Summer in charge of calling restaurants. It was an effort to get business people over to Sam’s Club, and since Summer had plenty of experience in the restaurant field, it seemed like a perfect match, right? Eh, not so much. Summer called one person, and that was it. You see, Tarek hadn’t quite created the in-store event or promotion, so Summer became all preoccupied that she wouldn’t have any angle to work these restaurant people with. Let’s just say that thinking outside of the curls wasn’t not really her forté.
We headed to commercial, and when we returned, it was time for our big business lesson of the week: Change The Team. Trump told us how if there was one person dragging down the group, just get rid of him or her. “Pull that person before they fail,” he concluded. Huh, I wonder which of the teams will be successful in marginalizing a weak link. Cut to Synergy’s Brent being shoved into the Goodyear blimp. Yes, he was literally removed from the task, placed hundreds of feet in the air. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t mess things up. If he tried, he would DIE. “It’s a waste of my talents!” he protested. There, there, Brent. Just enjoy the ride and try not to cause a Hindenberg disaster while you’re up there. Now that’s what I call a successful execution of Trump’s lesson. I suppose this meant Synergy would win.
Sure enough, all signs pointed to yes. The team sold hard as they pleasantly but assertively pressured shoppers into memberships. They were so good that some woman agreed to leave her baby under Michael’s watch. Always a smart move. Leave a kid with a total stranger. Yay reality show lessons! Perhaps Synergey’s biggest asset was Sean, whose British accent kept all the ladies swooning. That’ll always help. Well, that and a solid cookie display — one which George happily snacked from. It wouldn’t be an event without George stuffing a cookie into his mouth.
As for Gold Rush, they seemed to be doing a pretty good job as well. Lenny wound up in the blimp, mostly because he lived in the neighborhood and could put his geographical knowledge to use up in the air. He was joined by Summer who, well, I think she just wanted to chill. Down in Sam’s Club, the team gave out complimentary tote bags or duffel bags or gift bags (it changed depending on who was talking). Unfortunately, Gold Rush was giving these out to anyone who entered rather than using them as an incentive for people to sign up for memberships. Carolyn, of course, was all quiet judgment as she said, “The gift bag is physically a bag.” Somebody wanted some shwag! Well, I suppose that wouldn’t be unreasonable. Most gift bags do usually have, you know, gifts inside.
Lee, meanwhile, wandered around in a full suit and tie. It was supposed to offset the other members of the team in their Sam’s Club outfits. He was supposed to look professional — a business consultant, if you will. A multi-pronged attack! It’s fool proof! “We were going to win this competition,” Theresa proudly announced. Uh oh. Those are bad words to say. Sounds like she just sealed her team’s loss.
After the task was over, the teams then convened in the Boardroom where Trump questioned them. Both Project Mangers were confident in their success, with Tarek being particularly cocksure about winning. As for Summer? Not riding as high. “There are things that I would have changed,” she said. Dangerous move. That sort of stinkin’ thinkin’ got Tammy fired back in the first season.
Hey, somebody left a mop on Summer’s head.
Anyway, the results were in. Gold Rush sold 40 memberships. Synergy, 43. Sorry, Tarek. Close but no cigar. Might want to apply an extra dose of mousse to comfort yourself. Either that, or you can talk trash about people. Yeah, do that instead. Sure enough, back at the suite (which was all stainless steel, as opposed to last season’s Chinese Restaurant look), Gold Rush all huddled together and complained about Summer’s abysmal performance. It was all fun and mud slinging until Lee expressed discomfort at talking so much shit about Summer behind her back. In fact, he even went so far as to suggest that Tarek might be to blame. This could only lead to bad things in the Boardroom.
The next day, Trump took Synergy out to lunch at the Wharton Club where he got to try out some of his new standup material: “In business, lunches are very pleasurable and very not so pleasurable. That’s the way it works. That’s business. That’s life. So let’s make this a bad one. I’m only kidding.” And with that, everyone at the table broke out into peels of uproarious laughter. Yes, apparently in business, lunches can be pleasurable and not so pleasurable, but always perfect for kissing up.
The Donald then made some inspirational speech about all the troubles and horrors of the world, but I was personally distracted by Allie’s gargantuan salad bowl. Seriously, the thing was huge. Sadly, all happy luncheons must come to a close. We soon gazed upon the twilight in the great city of New York as dark, shadowy blimps floating above the landscape. So ominous! It felt like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow all over again!
In the suite, Summer was preparing some last minute defenses with fellow blimp-mate, Lenny. She explained that she was not to blame for the task failure because it was essentially Tarek’s poor leadership that handcuffed her. Lenny, meanwhile, said that he might wind up in the Boardroom because Tarek could accuse of him of contributing the least. But then Lenny reminded us, “I was riding blimp.” I don’t know why that sounded so funny. Maybe it was the Russian accent, maybe it was the word “blimp,” but I’ve been muttering “I was riding blimp” for the past hour. Next time I find myself in a tricky situation, I’ll just say it. “Hey B-Side. Where are your There and Back recaps?” Me: (shrugging) “I was riding blimp!”
Elsewhere in the suite, Tarek and Lee were having a heart-to-heart. The ever charming Project Manager stated that he needed Lee’s help in the Boardroom, but the recent Cornell grad had reservations. “If you bring up to Trump that you would have changed or done differently, you are immediately gonna set yourself up as a target,” Tarek threatened. Turns out the pretty boy was a bully. Who would have thunk it? Nothing like watching a slick rick freak out under pressure.
Finally, it was time for the season’s first Boardroom — and man, it was a fun one. Tarek started off by saying that Summer and Lenny didn’t step up on the tasks they were assigned. I can understand Summer (she did, after all, only call one person), but Lenny? His task was to use guide the blimp around his neighborhood. Of course he stepped up! He was riding blimp!!
Well, Lenny defended his contributions in the blimp, but Trump had an ever so tactful way to sum it all up: “You know what they did when they put you in the blimp? They sent you to SIBERIA!” And yes, I’m sure Lenny really appreciated that shout-out to Communist prison camp policies.
As for Lee, he didn’t support Tarek at all. Instead, he went right for the jugular, saying the team lost due to a “severe lack of mismanagement.” Well, I’m sure he meant a “severe glut of mismanagement.” A lack of mismanagement is a good thing. Looks like somebody’s not getting into MENSA this year (Coy laugh, fingers covering mouth).
Theresa, however, piped up to Tarek’s defense, saying that he excelled at earning the team’s respect. Well, not according to The Donald: “He didn’t get the respect of Lee. He didn’t get the respect of The Russian. Did he get the respect of The Russian? I don’t think so.” Wow, I really hope Trump continues to simply call people by their ethnic labels. That would be awesome. “The black girl and the Russian are really butting heads, don’t you agree, Mexican?”
Eventually, the focus inevitably moved from Tarek and The Russian — I mean, Lenny — to Summer, who suddenly had to defend her professional background. She noted that she had her own restaurant, and “it runs like a ship.” Paging the mixed metaphors department. I mean, I’ve heard of running a tight ship, and I’ve heard of running like clockwork, but running like a ship — not sure if that really works. Does that mean that her restaurant has rats in the basement? If I eat dinner there, will I get scurvy? Has her restaurant ever struck an iceberg? I could go on and on.
Anyway, Carolyn quickly swooped down like the bird of prey that she is and asked, “How many people did you call? How many people did you call?” Uh oh. Carolyn was not happy. Never want to be on her bad side. Summer stumbled through an explanation for her solo phone call, and then it was time for Tarek to take two or three people back with him. He selected Summer, Lenny, and surprisingly, Lee. Why Lee? He had been fine? Oh, that’s right. Pretty boy Tarek now had an axe to grind. I had to say, as smarmy and duplicitous as Tarek seemed, I didn’t want him to get fired, only because he looks like he might shape up to be a Grade A asshole villain. I love how his confident, attractive, friendly exterior masks a cocky, bitter, and angry person (or so the editing would suggest).
Well, upon returning to the room, we discovered that Tarek and Lee were now on the verge of a male catfight. “Do you think I’m unintelligent?” Tarek asked.
“Yeah, I think you’re unintelligent,” Lee replied. I was fairly surprised Tarek didn’t counter with “I’m sure MENSA would beg to differ. MENSA zing!”
After a little more of this Lee/Tarek sniping, Trump then questioned why the troubled PM brought Lenny back in the room. He was in blimp!! Tarek babbled about Lenny being lame and ineffective, but this just caused The Donald to ask one of his favorite questions: “Tarek, didn’t this thing fail because of you?” Oh, he loves doing that. Putting them on the spot, making them squirm. Well, Tarek smugly responded, “I blame them for their effort!” Didn’t really make sense, but luckily for him, Carolyn dragged Summer out from under the table where she’d been hiding and shone the interrogation lamp on her.
“Summer, I have a question for you,” Carolyn started. Memo to Summer: RUN FOR COVER! SHE’S GONNA GET YOU!!
“What did you contribute to this team?” C-Dawg asked.
Summer’s response: huminah huminah huminah. Eventually, she pieced together an enjoyable lame answer, saying, “What I contributed to this team were not things that everyone could see.” Oh, so THAT’S it! Yeah, she really helped out the zen and feng shui. Big difference, Carolyn. Shame on you for asking.
Of course, everyone saw right through this bullshit, which caused Carolyn to repeat herself, each time more cutting then the next: “What did you contribute to this team? What did you contribute to this team? This is the third time I’ve asked.” So what did Summer contribute? Um… curly hair and a smile? Is that enough?
Just when Summer looked like she’d be done for, however, the pendulum swung back into Tarek’s court as George yelled, “Why didn’t you step up and give something away? Don’t you know customers like a freebie??” He then added, “Back in my day, we always gave away free things at the soda jerk. I once gave Sally May Hancock a free banana split sundae. That was worth a nickel back then!”
Well, George Ross had his facts all wrong in this case. Tarek DID give away freebies. “We had gift bags,” he replied.
“What was in the gift bags?” George then asked.
“There was nothing in the giftbags,” Tarek said.
“Good. So you gave a gift bag with nothing in it,” George snapped, causing everyone to laugh.
“It was a complimentary giveaway,” Tarek said, his facade showing weakness. “I don’t think that was a bad decision.”
“What? Giving away nothing?” Trump then replied, offering up his own little Boardroom zing. Trust me, it was way funnier than how I made it sound. To Tarek’s credit, he wasn’t as completely inept as all this made him seem. He actually did seem to be a good leader, per se, just not a strong “idea” man. And furthermore, he should have stopped calling the tote/duffel bags “gift bags,” considering that’s not what they were at all. Still, it was worth it for the Trump dis.
Well, after this whole gift bag disaster, Trump was ready to really lay into Tarek, but Summer suddenly interrupted, probably to say similar things as to what I just explained.
“Why should you interrupt me when I’m knocking him down?” an annoyed Trump asked her.
“Because I’m being truthful, and I’ll always be truthful,” she responded.
“How stupid is that, right?” Trump replied. Yeah, what value is there in being truthful? The Russian would never do that. Right, Russian?
At this point, Trump was really mad at Summer. I mean, pissed off. “You did a lousy job,” he said, “And here I am, I’m getting ready practically to fire this guy, and you keep interrupting me!” Well, you knew how this was gonna wind up. Boom. Summer — fired. Gotta love it when people just don’t know when to shut the hell up (Erin from season 3, anybody?).
Well, as the group shuffled out of the Boardroom, the agitated Donald suddenly boomed, “You didn’t make it by much. I want to tell you that, Tarek. She saved your ass with her own stupidity. She saved your ass.”
“Not for long,” Lenny added. Ouch! Score one for The Russian! Everyone’s getting in on the action tonight!
And so Summer went down to the street while the other three headed up to the suite. Gold Rush would surely be a team divided now. Lee and Lenny were sure to be on the outs of the popular Tarek clique. I mean, this was the equivalent of the nerd sending the bully to the principal’s office. There will be playground repercussions, and I cannot wait
As for Trump, he still had some strong feelings about the whole situation. “I’ll tell you what,” he told his cronies. “Tarek is TOTALLY overrated!” Like OMG! TOTALLY! He is soooo dunzo!
So it’s time to say goodbye to the Summer.
The show finally came to a close with a delightful treat. No, not a shaky-lipped Summer babbling about the experience. I’m talking about Trump encouraging people to apply for the Los Angeles season of The Apprentice. The whole promo was like Trump doing an impression of Darrell Hammond doing an impression of Trump. Totally surreal, yet totally awesome. Here’s to a strong season premiere.
Going to Los Angeles is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!
What did you think? Should Tarek have been fired? Who seems to have early promise? Should Randal have denied Rebecca?
Also, check out Tarek’s very amusing website, tsaab.com. His last name is Saab, FYI. And be sure not to confuse his site with tareksaab.com, which I think might be a front to some Lebanese escort service.
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66 Comments
I attempted to watch this last night. I lasted 10 minutes. Donald Trump has become one of the most unbearably obnoxious, deluded, loud-mouthed, chest-beating self promoters to ever sleeze their way onto television.
After my 10 minute dip into the cess pit that is “The Donald,” I realized there was only one question to be answered…
…now that there’s only ONE ‘Apprentice’ on, who will he blame for undeniably predictable and steadfast decline in ratings when it comes to the (god forbid) next season promotions…?
The guy is the KING of not taking responsibility. According to him, he’s the great business man. EVER. PERIOD.
His track record, with some very rudimentary researching skills at my disposal, tells a different story.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: He is the modern day clone of Dr. Terminus from Pete’s Dragon without the charming Red Buttons side-kick.
I too am a fan of the apprentice though at times I wonder why…I think that the producers are sort of missing the mark with the people they choose for the show. By that I mean during the intros it seemed as if most of these people are already successful millionaires or super educated and will be millioinaires soon so the question is what do they have to loose? So what if the Donald cuts them. They’ll just go back to they’re hum drum million dollar lives. I mean my wife and I feel like the show could be so much more compelling if they featured people that represent the masses of those who actually watch the show. In other words give someone a chance to win an apprenticeship who might not get the chance any other way due to socio economic status, family, lack of oportunity, etc. Watching allready filthy rich people act arrogant isn’t as interesting as “real people” fighting for a once in a lifetime chance. I think that the producers and Donald are missing an opportunity to make the show a huge hit. American Idol for example was number one and three in the ratings last week. I think because the contestants are regular average joes who would never get a record deal any other way like Carrie Underwood. American Idol would not garner such ratings if all of the contestants allready had record deals and were famous. I will continue to watch the Apprentice I just wish they would feature “contestants” who actually had something to loose. Oh and the “Mensa” Tarek proves once again that book learning is not the total story when it comes to intelligence. Nothing like bragging to the world and to your competition that you are in the top 2% intelligence in the world, cause that move wouldn’t put anyone on the deffensive or put a huge target on his back or anything. Oh and by the way my wife brought up a great point about Tarek the fool, if he was so damn smart why is he working for someone else? If he is sooooo good at selling Texas instruments stuff and leads the world and all he couldn’t come up with a better strategy than to have one girl cold call resteraunts with no hook or special offer? Brilliant!!!! I sure wish I was a mensa too….not!
It was a most beautiful boardroom.
First off, Summer = hottie. Okay, got that out of the way. Brent is a freak. He’s now easily going to be the Marcus/Chris hybrid of season 5. We just have to wait for him to lose.
Lenny totally kick ass. Yes, it was funny watching everyone laugh at Tarek in regards to the gift bag.
You know you watch this show too much when you see resemblences of new cast members to old ones. Allie’s voice and looks reminds me way too much of Kristi from season 4.
I must say, Monday night for TV viewing has never disappointed. Used to be Prison Break, Las Vegas, 24, and now the Apprentice, with A&E’s Rollergirls afterward. I swore A&E just skipped an episode since they had “previously..” referencing events i don’t recall.
You’ve GOT to be kidding. Synergy and Gold Rush?! Synergy is the most overused made up word out there. And Gold Rush? That’s just stupid.
Also, yes, the promo at the end for Apprentice 6 was just awful. The backdrop was way too obvious and cheesy.
And what was with the super-zooms in on Carolyn’s face in the boardroom?
This is why I love to hate this show: how is selling a Sam’s Club membership a way to determine if someone could work in the corporate space? Teenagers do that job in high school, or college students. Its so ridiculous for people with their credentials to lower themselves to this garbage.
I’d tell Trump to shove it up his fat ass!
Carolyn is looking more and more glamorous these days. By the way, one day while in NYC, I dropped in Trump Tower and saw Carolyn and Bill Rancic at Starbucks, I couldn’t say anything to them, because there were security guards next to them. Bill is even better looking in person..the hole was quivering!
I also noticed *a lot* of cleavage on this show.
KH
I was just waiting for a ‘uge gust of wind to get Trump’s combover really flapping! So glad you pointed out the wonderful acting by Trump when hanging up the phone by dropping it in a box. Funniest thing I’ve seen in a while!
Oh B-side, how could you neglect to insert a screencap of that giant mess of a human being Brent? Just a huge fat guy who does nothing but sweat all the time. And god, those hair plug bangs. It was so horrifying yet I couldn’t look away. And , god help me this is true, I had a dream about him and his hair last night. He has literally haunted my dreams.
My favorite Brent moment was in the beginning when they were all touting their accomplishments he said “I designed my own diet plan and lost a hundred and fifteen pounds�. That’s funny on 2 levels. Any idiot can “design their own diet plan�, it’s called not eating. And the fact that he was once 115 pounds heavier than that is just amazing.
Hot Asian women with thick southern accents always makes me laugh.
The interviews with Allie were odd because her hair/head combination was really weird. Her heads really tiny but wide at the same time.
The British guy looks like a child molester. But with that accent I bet he sounds so polite when he’s molesting!
Carolyn’s choice of a darker shade of lipstick made her sexier than ever. God I wish she would put me in my place.
I enjoy hearing the solo interviews where they talk about how the notion of spending a lunch with Trump is the greatest gift anyone has received since the birth of Christ.
Summer looked like one of those sad aging strippers that can only get the Monday afternoon slot at the local strip club. Summer? More like Autumn!
I enjoyed Katie’s description of her quivering hole.
Yikes, what’s up with the comments.
#1, you’re taking things to seriously, how could you fail to enjoy Trump’s hair not budging an inch in that gusty wind. Ditto #2. imo, I think the it’s much more entertaining to see successful people getting knocked down and humiliated. Witness Tarek’s near total flameout last night. Very entertaining. Besides, what’s not to like about The Russian, er, Lenny. #3 Summer = Hottie???!!! wtf
Not sure what the problem with the ratings is. I think a lot of people just have a kneejerk negative reaction to Trump. Although I have to say it was reading B-Side’s recaps that really got me back into this show. Besides being hilarious, his enthusiasm is contagious and really made me appreciate what an entertaining show this really is. For example the genius of the boardroom idea, and the great contributions of Carolyn, and the often overlooked George, who rocked last night. Not to mention, B-Sides truly awesome attention to detail (e.g., never noticed background music, which is often hilarious).
Thanks B-Side!!
p.s. “And yes, I’m sure Lenny really appreciated that shout-out to Communist prison camp policies.” hahahahahaha!
hey DONALD, nice nod–err, rip off of the opening scene of talking on your phone in your private jet LIKE MARTHA STEWART DID IN HER SEASON.
As soon as I saw Tarek, I thought he resemmbled Dr. Will Kirby from BB.
Donald was on the Today show yest. morning. With his son Donald Jr. and Ivanka. They will both be filling in for George and Carolyn this season in the boardroom. That should be interesting.
He also stated that there was an Aussie on this season. (believe he was confused after seeing the contestants)
Since the Russian Lenny has a “Trading” business. I have to wonder if that means he is tading Russian mail order brides for cash?
Surely a million dollar business.
I love it when they show everyone outside. Cut to Carolyn her hair is blowing everywhere. Even the little that George has is blowing. Cut to Trump.. Doesn’t move an inch.
Also when they showed Trump driving up in the sports car. I could not help but wish it had been a convertible. But I would imagine he has not driven one in years.
I just went to the NBC website to check out the bios for these people and I found it very strange that only a couple of them admitted to being over 35. Is it me or do almost all of them (except Lee, obviously, who looks like he is pushing 12) look like they are pushing 40? I think Brent claims he is 30-years-old?!??!?! Is that possible??
Oh and Summer.
I thought to myself. Sure your name is Summer, I bet your real name is Tula Papadopoulos.
What the heck is a team name “Synergy”, one of the most overused marketing words in the world? Isn’t that a bit dated now?
They should have named the team “WAZAAAP!?!”.
Yes, Summer = hottie. Yes, looks a little older, but guess what, I just turned 30 a month ago, tastes change.
She’s better looking than Andrea, or Stacy, or Tammy. Summer’s the only one with a proportional nose.
djo8901 — did you notice that Brent also received training as a mime? Maybe he can work on that tricky “finding your ass with both hands” mime…
Watching The Apprentice is like wearing a pair of your old favorite smelly tattered socks. You know you should really throw them out by now, but yet you continue to wear them. First off, that Allie needs a new hairdo. She looks like a little homely mouse with a giant Heather Locklear wig on. As far as the IQ guy goes..I cant believe people admit to being a member of Mensa. This merely means that he was in the 2% of people that took the time to complete that 20 question IQ test that pops up on your computer. He’s an idiot. Gift bag? It was an ugly empty duffle bag with a Sams Club insignia. ICK. Go Lee! I like that kid. Summer was an idiot too. There is always one jerk in the bunch that interupts Trump while he’s about to fire someone else. It doesnt happen alot, but it’s been done before and its always fun to see!
Brent is the new Markus. Lee is a mix of Andy and The Blessed Virgin Adam, and the Felisha clone is just tooooo weird. I think these “repeat” characters are one of the reasons I almost tuned out after about 10 minutes — that and Trump’s eternally droning voice. But I’ll stay and find people to hate. YAY.
MENSA is a steaming load of crap. It’s a bunch of guys who think they’re great ’cause they can do puzzles in lieu of talking to humans. Phi Beta Kappa also never mentions how few people who qualify actually bother to pay to get the fucking “key” to show to their grandmas and single yearly date.
I want Alla back.
tarek soooo looks like will from big brother. they should come up with a new reality show where lookalikes of reality show stars compete for prizes.
#14, indeed I was more than a little disappointed that Trump didn’t tell them they’re name sucked ass.
You’d think given all the time they have to come up with a name, they’d each come prepared with at least three top suggestions. Yet every time, they always seem to be pulling lame names out of their ass like they had no idea.
#17, now that you mention it, I wonder if after the brilliance of Alla, they now include a mandatory Russian. I’m not complaining, I have high hopes for Lenny.
BigMax, I noticed the mime thing on Brent’s bio too. Did not give me a totally creepy mental image AT ALL.
I missed this episode and after reading the recap, I’m glad I did. The recap entertained me in ways that I’m sure the actual show couldn’t have.
One of my high school teachers actually set up an appointment for me to take a MENSA exam because my old IQ test wasn’t approved by them. Thank God my parents had the common sense to say “No thanks…” These people have barbecues where they play weird vampire role play games. Creepy. Plus, if I would even have a shot of getting into MENSA, it can’t be that big of a deal. I’m an idiot.
Love it! Excellent recap, B-Side, and thanks for posting so quickly. I am a total Apprentice fan as well, and Trump’s over-the-top ego just makes me love him even more.
Glad Tarek made it through the boardroom–not that I think he’s great (though he is good-looking) but he seems promising for some interesting episodes. I had to close my eyes when Caroline was grilling Summer–her silence was a little too painful to watch.
All in all, should be an excellent season! Oh, by the way–been a long-time fan of TVGasm (almost 2 years now!!!) and wanted to give kudos to all you guys (and gal!) for keeping us readers giggling. We are quite the demanding group and appreciate your efforts to fullfill our requests.
Thanks again for all that you guys do!
Southerngal, in the words of Patrick “Crazy Legs” Swayze, “Ditto.” Couldn’t have expressed my gratitude to TVGasm better myself!
I love how Ivanka is going to be on next week instead of Carolyn. Kind of coincidental, don’t you think? After Trump disses Martha’s daughter, he has his own daughter on? I can only hope that Ivanka can string more than 2 words together.
When I saw Donald Trump standing beside his plane talking about his incredible non-moving “real” hair, I immediately imagined that just off screen there was an army of assistants holding up giant wind barriers to prevent his combover from flipping up. Everyone else had hair flying every-which-way, but I didn’t see so much as a single strand of hair move on The Donald’s head. Either he was protected from the wind or that’s some mighy strong helmet-head hairspray. But hey, perhaps providing hairspray to The Donald is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR industry and we’ll see a product placement tie-in for it later this season.
In Russia, blimp rides you.
Alright, just checked Tarek’s bio. St. Anslem’s is a fine school – but someone of his caliber and over-the-top intelligence would surely pick a more pretigious, well-known, school. That is fishy to me.
Your mission, if you chose to accept it, is to find out what made him pick St. A’s over say Harvard, Yale, Stanford, heck even Lehigh.
gdawg, I think he’s the one that grew up in the projects, so my guess would be that he went wherever he got a scholarship. Purely speculating, though.
He did grow up in the projects… but if by 7th grade, he was already performing at the collegiate level… don’t you think some “big name” universities would be interested? And a B.S. from Catholic Univerisity? Please don’t think that I’m putting either one of these places down… just for such a smarty pants, you’d think he would have loftier aspirations.
As a member of Mensa (yes, really), I tuned in to cheer on Tarek. Well, that’s not happening. What a jerk! Mensa should revoke his little yellow map pin, then use it to poke him repeatedly in the ass.
Also, I know they’re in the middle of a task, but I couldn’t deal with Brent’s bitching about “having” to ride in the Blimp. It’s the Goodyear Freakin’ Blimp! I’d be totally psyched to ride around in the Blimp.
Completely agree…Maybe he is not only a (VERY) proud Mensa member, but also a Jesus freak. That could be fun.
Synergy was the name of the rock and roll god from the ’80′s cartoon “Jem and the Hologram’s”. I wonder if it is any sign of how truly outrageous this team will be!
Whenever I hear “Synergy” I can’t help but think of that cartoon from when I was a kid – Gem and the Holograms…oh boy now I am showing my age…LOL…! Anyone else that’s 30-something remember it?
)
Jules we are on the same page and posted this just a few minutes apart…I guess I should have read the comments section first.
What?….??? The Appentice was on???
In what Universe? Why wasn’t this hyped? What happened with TVGasm letting us know?
Wow. As I was watching, I too noticed the phone and laughed, then pointed out that most of the contestants had doppelgangers on previous seasons. I love Donald Trump. And Carolyn. Love her “it was obvious a while ago.” Hee.
PS…James Leer, you rock. “In Russia blimp rides you.”
Fantastic. I kept thinking “Moose and Squirrel!”
I hope Lenny wins or at least goes very far cause it will be fun to watch the Donald try to communicate with him. Communicating with “The Russian” is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!
I so loved Jem and the Holograms too!
KH
I was instantly amused with Brent saying that he was used to being picked last in gym class, so being picked for project teams last didn’t bother him.
You just knew George would point out that they didn’t have cookies, and that was one of the reasons Gold Rush lost. George looks like he’s wasting away and hasn’t had any cookies since the last installment.
Theresa looked like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill to me. I’d like to see her rolling the Pussy Wagon.
Lauren- I know I going to wander around muttering “moose and squirrel” for hours……
Thanks B-Side – for another awesome recap. Lenny “The Russian” is freaking GREAT! He is Alla on Red Bull AND Viagra (a Gulag-tini?). He brought back my favorite memory of past “The Apprentice” episodes ever…
Alla smirking and talking about Felisha tearing up, and getting upset on one of the last episodes: “When people cry and get depressed, it just makes me want to laugh…”. Said in sardonic Russian accent.
The Russians are hard-core, I mean they even scared the sh*t out of the Nazi’s!
Tarek is a do*chebag. A DUMB do*uchebag.
I seriously could not believe he tried to bully and intimidate Lee into supporting him in the BR. I have to say, I was pretty impressed with Lee’s understated, yet straight-forward “F*ck you” to Tarek in the BR. The look on Tarek’s face was priceless – it obviously has never occurred to him that his smarmy charm just comes off as, well smarmy.
Being in MENSA obviously doesn’t mean you’re smart enough to win friends, and influence people – I think The Donald is preparing to take true sadistic pleasure in letting Tarek know just how far being in MENSA gets arrogant a-holes in the Trump Organization. I mean that position has been filled
Awesome recap, B! This is gonna be a great season.
The key to the whole deal, for me, was the picking of the teams. We witnessed the age-old and universal “always pick the fat kid last” drama.
Everything we have seen in all of the Apprentice seasons can be distilled down to the essence of what happened on that tarmac. Awesome.
It is critical to remember that the lack of ideas killed Tarek (a disgraced Vulcan. I’ve heard Spock gave him a finger salute not seen in the new commercials), yet Brent was villified by his teammates for brainstorming, hitting on a concept that proved to be the difference, and never to be given credit.
This was just an awesome show.
I hope the rest of the season is as good as this first show. Sure Donald is full of himself, but he is still entertaining to watch. I find it funny that his children are qualified to criticize these contestants simply because they are The Donald’s offspring. Oh the world we live in . . .
I felt bad that Trump called Summer stupid simply because she wanted to keep everybody from laughing at Tarek’s own stupidity. He is so SMART yet couldn’t understand why everyone was laughing at the notion of his “giftbag.” I don’t think she wanted that and I felt bad that she got fired over it. At least she wasn’t bitter and acted kind of noble about it.
The first 10 minutes of the program turn me off to each of these individuals because I cannot stand anybody who toots their own horn (except for Trump, I guess). It was nothing but “blah blah blah” and how great they all are. Each and every one of them had to outdo the one who came before them.
I got a 4.0 in college but I am not doing anything with it . . . nobody cares. I got it because I liked to read and I thought English was easy. It isn’t a major accomplishment because life wasn’t too hard at the time. These people would all be irritating . . . I felt sorry for Donald at the luncheon.
This season already rocks! Can’t wait for next week’s episode when Lenny becomes the male reincarnation of season 4 Alla and fat Brent shakes his jelly in the streets of NY.
Personally, I love the name “Killer Instinct”, at least it’s not generic. Then again, Brent suggested the name, and his dream of a karaoke salon was stupid enough that I began to think of myself as stupid for liking anything about him.
Great recap, B-Side, and so quick too!!!
I agree that Tarek is a cross between Orlando Bloom and Evil Will from BB2. His website is so pompous it’s ridiculous.
Wow, his website is from 1997.
http://www.brentbuckman.com/
What a mess of web site design. Makes Tarek’s look like gold.
If I were Lee, I would have brought up the fact that Tarek basically blackmaled him in the suite by saying “if you dont support me, I’m taking you to the boardroom.” I wonder if Donald would have fired him as well as Summer if he had known that.
It’s not an Apprentice task if it doesn’t include snacks for George. Had to laugh at him eating cookies.
Trump was on Howard Stern yesterday morning with son and daughter. Ivanka is amazingly well spoken, and according to the interview, both scored 1500+ on their SAT’s.
You know they will keep Mensa around just for the drama.
Andy 2.0 will be good for a chuckle or three.
Love the Russian.
Loved, loved, loved the recap! Thanks a million, B-Side, for keeping it fresh. I’m still a big ‘Gasm fan, but some of the other recappers have gone a little too literal in giving blow-by-blow commentary with no “color” to keep us happy; you’ve kept that spark.
Also, loved, loved, loved that there were no green, double-underlined Google ads on the recap today. Can we hope that those are going away for good?
I love that you commented on the phone that Donald just kind of dropped into the armrest bin when he was done talking. I mean, with five seasons under their belt, you’d think they’d have someone in charge of retakes.
Also, how uncomfortable did the contestants look stuffed into the tight group shot on the plane? Only slightly less uncomfortable than I felt when Brent explained that he used to get picked last in gym class. I thought it in my head seconds before he said it, and of course, I was CRINGING throughout the rest of the scene. That was awful. No one should have to go through that. “That” meaning watching Brent be so cringingly awkward.
These are not mere doppelgangers on the show this season, these are honest-to-goodness Evil Twins! Oh, the barely suppressed rage showing on Faux-Bloom was a wonderous sight to behold. The guy was literally shaking with anger. Dang, the only thing he was missing was a spiffy goatee to make him a true Evil Twin.
She didn’t get much screen time, but it appears that Sandra Bullock’s twin is also on the show. How evil she turns out to be only time will tell, but Faux-Bullock will have to work hard to match Faux-Bloom’s vile villainy.
JayhawkAnne–do I sense a fellow KU alum?? Are you rooting for Bryce as well? It’s good to see Kansas represented on The Apprentice…it makes me feel special for some reason.
By the way, I’d like to formally nominate “Fauxlando Bloom” as a nickname for Tarek.
Terrible premiere, hope it’s gets better though.
Loved that other people noticed (1) the phone being thrown into a cubby, (2) Donald’s hair not EVER moving and then stating well at least you now know that I have real hair… wtf??, and (3) Big boy’s hair plugs!!! I envision him not smelling so great. As fun as it is to see these people act like idiots and prove that a college education doesn’t automatically give you common sense (and maybe even puts you in a deficit of common sense) it would be cool to have a show that really does help bright, talented, truly smart people that may not have the opportunities in life like yota #2 stated. Most of them were probably born into a higher than average social status than the average American class. Everybody loves a rags to riches story so why not capitalize on that..??? You know, tugging at American’s heart strings is a 5 BILLION Dollars a year industry! ;> Too bad MENSA and Barbie didn’t BOTH go. It could have been an awesome start to his season, after all shocking the viewers on the first episode of the season is a 3 billion dollar a year industry!! HA.
While it’s entirely possible that Carolyn wanted some shwag…I’m guessing you meant swag.
I have resisted reading this recap since it appeared because I haven’t been able to watch this episode yet. But I just couldn’t stand it any longer, and boy, was it worth it!! Will have more comments after viewing, I’m sure, but I couldn’t stop laughing when you wrote: “Wow, I really hope Trump continues to simply call people by their ethnic labels. That would be awesome. ‘The black girl and the Russian are really butting heads, don’t you agree, Mexican?’” I still have tears in my eyes over that one!! Excellent!
“Wow, I really hope Trump continues to simply call people by their ethnic labels. That would be awesome. “The black girl and the Russian are really butting heads, don’t you agree, Mexican?” HILARIOUS!! I laughed so hard at that comment. I love Lenny, he just amuses me so much. I also love Brent for being his blundering self. He’s from Toronto, and I was thinking “yay, Canada”, being a proud Canadian of course, but my dreams were dashed at the suggestion of karaoke. Ah Brent, you caused me to slap my hand to my forehead in dismay. However, I did like his Killer Instinct name. It’s way better than Gold Rush, as far as I’m concerned, and Synergy? Blech.
This is going to be a wonderful season. I like Andrea, Lenny, Lee and Brent of course. I don’t ever really like the women, they just seem to be really catty to each other. I think that’s why the women’s team failed so miserably last season. I also like Bryce, but as it was only the premiere, I haven’t really had a chance to observe yet. Let’s wait and see.
P.S. Did anyone pay attention to Lenny in the boardroom? While Trump was yelling at Summer for interrupting him, I swore I heard Lenny say, “Stupid” (to Summer) in that lovable accent of his. Is it just me?
Finally saw this show on CNBC last night and even though I knew the outcome I still marvelled at how STUUUUPPPID Summer was.
The black market for Brains is a 30 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. So why doesn’t Summer have one?
Wow. I didn’t realize so many people still watched this show. I missed it, but this was a very awesome recap. Excellent writing B-side.
First: Allie SOOO wants to dip Sean in gravy and lick him clean. “Looking forward to working with him?” That is the laziest euphenism I’ve ever heard.
Second: When Lenny was explaining knowing the area? “I know area left and right, like, every corner of it.” Anyone else think the rest of that was “From all the bodies I am hiding.”
“I was riding blimp” reminds me of “I love lamp”, one of my favorite lines from Anchorman.
Also, I laughed my a** off at the ethnic label comment. You’re sick B-Side, and I love you for it!
So, the summer of love… so fleeting…
How stupid was she to open her mouth at that moment! The people over on Survivor Casaya have that same problem.
GREAT side-by-side comparisons, B-side. Tarek was continuously bothering me the entire show (and not just cuz of his ass of a personality)… because he REALLY reminded me of someone famous, but could not put my finger on who. I suddenly figured it out right before, and then I read your recap… as Emeril would say.. BAM, there it was! And Lee’s look was bugging me too, and I thought maybe I knew him from Cornell (but he’s like 8 years younger than me, so figured not)… until you solved the mystery with posting that doppelganger as well. THANKS!
You know, I just felt the need to add this, since I just watched the new episode tonight. Since we are on look-alikes, Dan from Gold Rush… and that guy from the Drew Carrey show???
http://www.nbc.com/The_Apprentice_5/candidates/bio_dan.shtml#main
Eww have you seen the previews for tonight’s show? Trump brings his ugly ass daughter to be in the boardroom with him! I usually love the Apprentice (especially Caroline and George) but now it has hit a new low.
Hm Nicole, I don’t see where her looks come into that (I think she’s attractive personally). Sure, she rode her parents’ coattails to some extent, but by all accounts, she’s a mature, independant and accomplished businesswoman in her own right. She could have just settled into a career as a model (and had some cush job offers), but she had a hard-driving work ethic, leading her to be a straight A Wharton grad, with a career (though boosted by her last name significantly) that got critical acclaim of its own.
Trump is known for his big ego and overall bafoonery (and we love him all the same for it), but thankfully I don’t think Ivanka inherited a lot of it. She’s a businesswoman too, it’s not like he chose Melania to oversee them or something.
Is Tarek serious with his website? This guy is all about being a supermodel and not the next Apprentice. Pish! Who am I kidding? Is ANYONE in this to be the next Apprentice??