There Can Only Be One Winner Anyway

The Apprentice

By B-Side | Friday, October 28, 2005 | 5:51 am | 69 Comments

josh_wowWow. I don’t know where to begin. If you didn’t catch last night’s Apprentice, I’m sorry to say that you missed out on quite the treat. If it’s sitting on your Tivo still waiting to be viewed, then stop reading, and watch it. This was one for the record books — although, unfortunately, due to the nature of my new job, the big ending was spoiled for me; so it didn’t have the same impact that it probably would have had I been “fresh.” That’s okay though. I could still enjoy the craziness of this episode — from the petty squabbling to the epic downfall of hubris. Plus, with all the zaniness going down, we almost forgot the best part of all: Carolyn took charge! Sort of…We knew tonight’s episode would be bad news for someone when the first thing we saw was a rainy puddle. Oooh! Ominous. But then things got even worse when we saw… a rainy bench! And then a rainy gutter! And then a rainy street light!!! It’s pure doom, I tell you!!

In the suite, Felisha was damn near close to losing it. “If Kristi doesn’t walk through that door, I’ll be devastated,” she said nervously. Well, guess what Felish? You might be feeling a little devastated because as we all remember from last week, Kristi was unceremoniously axed, leaving only the faint echo of her twang to resonate in our memories. As Jen returned from the Boardroom, everyone seemed happy by and large, but I feared Felisha might have a “spell” and faint on the carefully selected oriental furniture. Amazingly, she pulled herself together (Kristi would have wanted it that way), and then Jen addressed her team. “Clean slate. This next task, we’re gonna come together.” Yeah, sure, whatever. Another clean slate — why the hell not. We’ll just keep cleaning it until the damn thing falls apart.

Meanwhile, Alla announced that she’d be Project Manager, and since she and Marshawn seem like the most capable women (along with Rebecca), I had faith that she’d be able to kick her team’s asses into gear. “We need to function as one cohesive unit, and I’m gonna make it happen,” she promised. Sweet. Just don’t tell them how you used to be a stripper. Could be a real distraction.

The next morning, Rhona made her usual phone call, and this time, it was Clay who answered the weird banana phone. And yes, it did look quite suggestive to see him holding the phallic device. Anyway, Rhona said that teams needed to pick their Project Managers and then meet in the boardroom, causing Clay to say, “In the boardroom. Interesting.” Hey, don’t be passive aggressive to Rhona! She’s just doing her job, jerk.

clay_phone
Suggestive image of the night.

Well, after everyone got dressed and spiffed up, the teams headed downstairs and dammit, no George. Second week in a row with Bill. And uh oh, where’s Donald? Had I not been eagerly studying tonight’s previews for the past seven days straight, I might have been alarmed. But I knew this was the Carolyn episode, and so it was no surprise to hear her chirp, “I’m in charge today!” Excellent. She then barked, “First order of business: GET ME A COMB!” Actually, seeing that she was sitting in The Donald’s chair, it was only appropriate that Carolyn’s hair be as messy and tussled as possible.

carolyn_inchargeAnyway, it was time for a corporate reshuffling. Carolyn told Alla to drop the three most worthless people to Excel, which meant that Jennifer (okay, that makes sense), Rebecca (huh? Oh yeah, Toral lover), and Marshawn (What? She’s like the best) all headed over to Capital Edge. And in return, Project Manager Josh sent back Clay (of course), Markus (duh), and Adam (sure, why not). So basically, Alla’s team was full of lame, annnoying types (except Randal), and Josh’s team had all the power hitters. Yay lopsidedness! See you in the Boardroom, Alla. Right?

With the teams all switched up, it was now time to get to business. “America loves sports,” said Carolyn. “It’s no wonder that the sporting goods industry takes in well over twenty billion dollars a year.” Okay, time for a little honesty here, and yes, sometimes honesty hurts. I love ya, Carolyn, but this is really Trump’s territory. If you’re going to throw around the “B” word, you’ve got to sell it. You know, say it big: TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS! Nevertheless, the big task was to go to Dick’s Sporting Goods and create an “interactive sales event” based on the sport of their choosing. The team that generates the biggest percentage increase in revenue wins.

Now, the instinct is to say sports + excel = money in the bank. But then again, let’s not forget the Car Theory. Note: I’m making up this theory right now; so if you don’t remember it, that’s okay. The Car Theory is that every time teams have to design some sort of promotional campaign for a new car, the guys always screw it up because they always think it’s right up their alley. Okay, the Car Theory is a bit broad and clunky. Point is — hubris is a very dangerous attribute.

Speaking of hubris, or lack thereof, Capital Edge was forthright in their complete lack of knowledge of sports. But at least they had a sense for the market, and Markus pushed the idea of golf because he knew that people were fanatic about the sport. Still, it was going to be a risky venture for the team, and Alla knew it: “We’re gonna wing it, and it’s gonna come down to our ability to sell.” Hmmm. Let me guess: the other team is going to boast about all their sports knowledge and how this task is right up their alley. (Did somebody say Car Theory?)

Before we could check in on Excel, however, there was still fun to be had on Capital Edge. Upon arriving at the Dick’s Sporting Goods store, Clay began plotting out his visions for the golf expo. For a moment, it seemed like he was going to take over the task, but I should never have underestimated the pushy Russian stereotype. This was Alla’s task, and she was gonna let Clay babble but not have the final word. And yes, this was a disaster waiting to happen. By the way, was I the only one who was giggling like a middle schooler when Clay said that the customers “can actually touch a couple of putters, some drivers, some woods.” Ew! Clay wants to people to touch his wood! Gross!

Meanwhile, over at Excel, gimpy Rebecca was psyched to be working with “intelligent” people. She LOVES honing her inner-Toral (aww, I miss that rascal). Anyway, the team brainstormed ideas for the event, and James pushed the idea of baseball strong. Sounds like a winner. It’s the American pastime. Plus, unlike Capital Edge, this team actually had a coherent plan as to how they wanted to sell their stuff. They were going to create a baseball diamond, and at each base, sell various items. I had to admit, it looked pretty high concept. I was fairly sure Excel would be the victors… that is, until James declared, “It’s no doubt. It’s a sure thing. It’s a home run with this task.” Okay, they’ve already lost it. Let’s just go to the Boardroom now.

Later, after a long day of planning and setting up, the team took a van back to the suite. I’m not sure if she was drunk or not, but Jen was slurring her words, and when she boasted, “I could sell radar guns all day,” I wasn’t sure if that was some sort of bizarre innuendo for something. But no, she really meant it. Apparently, the radar guns were the most expensive items, and Jen was going to hit a grand slam (pause for laughter) on their sales. “I love the radar gun!” she insisted, adding (seriously), “Is that what it’s called?” Ironically, it’s called a “Zathura gun.”

When we returned from the commercial break, Trump had another one of his handy lessons all ready for us: “Take it to the limit!” Challenge your teammates, he urged us, and this was illustrated by him overseeing some blueprints and blaring, “Let me see it!” To the limit!! Okay, whatever, let’s move on.

So it was finally the big day. Josh and his team arrived at their Dick’s store and found the baseball diamond all set up and looking pretty damn sweet. This was really going to test my Car Theory. I mean, these guys would have to majorly screw up to lose this task. Well, it only took about two more seconds to see the cracks in the veneer (and I don’t mean Mark’s. His teeth were still bright and beautiful). The final piece of the baseball puzzle was a much-hyped batting cage, something Josh described as the “centerpiece.” Do I smell a dud on the horizon? Or is that just me?

Sure enough, the batting cage came with its own set of difficulties. First of all, the thing was huge. Gigantic. Enormous. Not that it’s a surprise. After all, this was a batting cage (or net really). Unfortunately, the guys didn’t bother to measure it out ahead of time, and so the contraption took up the majority of the baseball diamond, causing the other store displays to be shoved off to the side, and in some cases, behind the “outfield” wall — a.k.a. the place where no one could see the products. Not such a great setup if the plan is to, you know, sell things.

Meanwhile, over at Capital Edge, the peppy “Things are doing great!” music piped up on the soundtrack, which meant we knew they’d be heading for a victory. The setup for the Family Golf Extravaganza was coming along nicely; although, Clay was acting up as usual. I like how when he was PM, he insisted that it was his way or the highway, but now he couldn’t afford that same respect to Alla. Nevertheless, he peppered every interaction with passive aggressiveness such as annoying little comments like, “Listen before you start screaming.” In an interview, Randal tried to be polite by saying, “Clay can be a difficult person to work with.” Oh, just say it. He’s a bitch. Luckily, Alla was there to put it all on the table. “Clay is not a man. He is an insecure, bitchy woman, times a thousand,” she said in an interview. Yup. That pretty much sums it up. Despite my fairly constant ribbing about Alla’s dubious past, I have to admit, I’ve enjoyed watching her work. But tonight, she went up several, several notches with the way she handled Clay. At one point, he started up with her about some stupid technicality, and with exasperation screaming from her body language, she simply looked at him and said, “Cut it.” It was so basic, so direct, and yet so perfect. It was like the anti-passive aggression (or PA, as I like to call it).

After the next commercial break, we returned to Excel who had a huge line waiting at the batting cages. But, um, was anyone buying anything? See, here’s a problem right off the bat (no pun intended). The event was designed around the baseball diamond, but the execution was centered on the batting cage. As a result, the traffic flow from the cage was completely untapped as everyone manned their stations in relatively remote areas of the event. On the plus side, I’m pretty sure Michael Moore walked in to buy a bat.

michael_moore

As for Jennifer, she wasn’t selling radar guns as much as she was peddling snacks. We saw her standing amongst the crowd, yelling out, “Pretzels! Hot dogs! Lemonade! Zenthura!” Okay, that last thing was made up, but nevertheless, Bill Rancic was observing, and he was not happy. Not happy at all. Good to see him return from the quiet funk he’d been in all season.

Over at Capital Edge, the golf expo seemed to be doing great; although, it probably could have benefited from one of Jennifer W.’s cakes. “Qolf Expo” perhaps? Anyway, no one could have been happier than Felisha, who described her sales tactics to us in one of her interviews. I don’t remember exactly what she was saying, mainly because I was distracted by her Mickey Mouse-sized gloves. Carolyn, meanwhile, was a bit disheartened to see that no one on the team actually knew anything about golf — Alla gave a kid a wedge to use in miniature golf — but at least she was happy to see the sales effort out in full force. Heck, even Clay rose to the challenge to sell his little butt off. And of course Alla swooped in with the back-handed compliment. “Maybe this is one of the very, very few of Clay’s talents,” she said. Ouch.

Well, it was time to finally tally up the results. The teams filed into the Boardroom where The Donald, looking a bit tubby, was conferenced in from his golf course. “It’s really nice in Los Angeles. I’m at Trump National Golf Club checking things out,” he announced in an unnecessary but enjoyable plug for his future golf course. As much as I’d love to sit and make fun of this whole “conference call,” I just have to get to the results because they were just too awesome to be ignored. Carolyn read the Capital Edge numbers first and revealed that the team boosted sales by 74%. Wow. That’s damn impressive, or as Trump said, “74%. That’s ‘uge!”

cingular
Is this a Cingular commercial?

Then it was time to see how Team Hubris, I mean, Excel did. We all knew they’d lose because their failure was telegraphed through the typical Mark Burnett motifs. But the question was “By how much?” Well, Bill Rancic began by describing the baseball event and making it sound like the best thing ever: the batting cage, the long lines, the fun times. Uh oh. He’s pumping them up with excitement. The higher they go, the farther they fall, and based on this misdirection, this was gonna be a doozy. Honestly, the thought began to cross my mind that maybe they even lost money. Sure enough, Bill’s speech changed tones and quickly went negative. My last minute gut reaction was right. Excel did go negative with its sales percentage. But not by 2%. Or 5%. Or 10%. Or even 20%. No, they managed to lower sales by 34%. DAMN. “That’s embarrassing,” said a disgusted Trump before suddenly growling, “ALLA!” It kind of sounded like he was clearing out his throat. Anyway, he asked if Alla should be exempt from firing, and of course, everyone said yes. Trump then revealed that the reward would be going out to Montauk, doing some deep-sea fishing, and then enjoying a lobster bake on the beach. And yes, I was instantly jealous.

Well, Capital Edge flew out to Eastern Long Island and boarded a boat where they were warned about the dangers of sea sickness. In an interview, Randal confessed, “I don’t like fishing. I don’t know how to fish. I hate fishing!” You would complain, SQUIDWARD!

Taking particular joy in the reward was Clay, who reveled in the sweet revenge his team’s victory afforded him. “Josh, in your face!” Clay mocked. And isn’t that what reality TV is all about? Watching spiteful people play out our vicarious revenge fantasies?

Later, at the coldest lobster bake EVER, the team dined on an awesome-looking raw bar and fresh lobsters, but the meal wouldn’t be complete without some Markus tomfoolery. The bumbling guy tried to pop open a champagne bottle with a nifty knife trick, but well, this was Markus, let’s not forget. Not the master of being smooth. Luckily, after several attempts, he got the damn thing open, but in an interview, Alla once again went in for the kill with dubious compliment: “He’s just a nice guy with very, very little ability to perform.” I’d hate to get a birthday card from this woman: “Dear B-Side: I hope you have a wonderful birthday. You deserve a happy day since your ineffectual people skills most likely bring you nothing but sadness the rest of the year. Love, Alla!”

Back at Trump Tower, Josh and Mark chatted it up to discuss some pre-Boardroom strategy. Josh wanted Jen fired for her lame sales abilities. Mark wanted James fired for his dumb batting cage idea. I personally wanted Josh gone for his cocky, smug attitude. It was fairly amusing however to watch him seethe, “I can’t believe they won. THEM.” Well, that attitude right there is what made you lose and let them win. Jerk. For the record, despite all of Josh’s haughty good-ole-boy attitude, it should be noted his success has hinged on a concept called “Smile Beauty.” Worst WASP tagline EVER!

Well, enough stalling. Let’s just get to the Boardroom. We knew it would be good because a) the abysmal Excel performance would undoubtedly lead to finger-pointing and an angry Trump, and b) it was another tuxedo night. Yes, a tuxedo Boardrooms are always the best, and how fortunate that this latest one would fall on the biggest defeat in Apprentice history.

Before we began, Trump explained his fancy getup. “I’m going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art tonight for dinner,” he said. Oooh! I bet Melania can’t wait! She’s probably so excited she actually said three words. Anyway, Trump quickly began skewering Excel, and after buttering James up by saying how much the Mets liked him, he then attacked with one of his trademark loaded questions: “Don’t you think that [the batting cage] was sort of a bad idea?” Translation: just how big of an idiot are you?

Bill Rancic, meanwhile, suddenly came alive this week and attacked Mark about his role in the event. Basically, Mark had spent the entire afternoon loading up a ball-throwing machine. Not necessarily the most productive use of his talents. Making Bill even angrier though was Jen who had failed to sell a single radar gun, despite her professed love of them. Oh Zathura. Jen tried to defend herself by saying that the event’s scheme had changed, thus rendering her ineffective, but Marshawn suddenly piped up with “I’m not a salesperson, and I sold more product than you did, Jennifer.” Ka-BOOM! Every week, Marshawn slays someone. She could make it to the final four (great, I’ve probably jinxed her now). Nevertheless, Jen continued to fight, saying, “I sold a handful of bats. I sold several gloves.” Wow, compelling evidence! For the record, how many bats are in a “handful of bats?” Three? Four?

jen_fights
Laamboorghini!

Anyway, because of the nature of the loss (worst ever, as we were reminded again), Trump pulled a Martha Stewart and deprived the Project Manager the right to pick who’d return to the Boardroom. Instead, he sent Marshawn, Brian (who managed to be silent the entire time), and Rebecca back up to the suite, and made the remaining four characters (Josh, Jen, James, and Mark) hang around for another round of pummeling. When the gang returned to the Boardroom, poor James had become certifiably nervous. A shiny layer of sweat had appeared on his forehead. As long as he didn’t turn into a full waterworks, like Kevin in season two, he’d be fine.

goodbye_james
Shiny, unhappy, people.

Well, with the group pared down to four, we knew things would go nuts, and sure enough, a desperate Jennifer began fighting for her life. Like last week, she looked like she might break down into tears at any time, but somehow she managed to keep it together. She said fire Josh, Josh said fire her. James, meanwhile, also said Josh should be ousted while Mark pushed for Jen’s firing. But again, it was Jen on the defensive the most. “I DID SELL!” she nearly screamed as everyone questioned her abilities. Josh mocked her by sarcastically saying, “Ooh, six or seven bats!” Hey, what did you sell, jerk? SMILE BEAUTY??

josh_argues
“Oh. Oh. Oh.”

Jen then personally appealed to Trump by stating, “You should not fire me. That would be a mistake!” But Josh talked over her by constantly repeating, “You failed. Period. Period.”

“Josh, you failed too,” interjected Carolyn, completely throwing him off his game. Was the momentum shifting back to him? Would Jennifer be safe? Uh, yes and no. Trump finally shushed everyone and expressed his complete dissatisfaction with everyone. He blamed Josh for poor organizational skills, Jen for poor sales abilities, Mark for poor productivity, and James for a poor idea. But who would be going home?? EVERYONE.

“You’re all fired. All four are fired,” Trump said. Even though I knew this would happen, I had to admit. It was awesome.

“Go home. Go home,” Trump said to the stunned candidates. Silently, they shuffled out, but Mark then addressed The Donald. “Sorry, we disappointed you. I’m better than that,” he said, choking up at the end. Aww, Mark. Trump said that they all were better than that, and as the quartet crammed into the elevator, we returned to the Boardroom as Bill and Carolyn gave their usual supportive comments. Trump then stared pensively and said, “Life continues.” It was the perfect understated yet dramatic capper to this insane episode. Try as you may, Martha (or Carolyn for that matter), but there’s only one Trump.

trump_stoic

As for the ride home? All four candidates suffered the indignity of piling into a single cab together. And then they sat there. And stared. And tried not to make eye contact.

Awwwwkward.

crowded_cab
So…

What did you think? How did this rank in the Apprentice canon?

About

69 Comments

  1. 1
    Toya
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:28 am

    Awk-ward. Oh, good LORD. That has to be the single best episode ever! The silent squished cab ride of shame was hysterical and unbelievably uncomfortable. “Bbbrreeep!” (that’s my cricket sound)

  2. 2
    abcb
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:29 am

    Best Apprentice EVER!! I thought this show was drying up so I haven’t been watching much but so glad I watched last night to see all four fired. I was shocked and so happy to see them all go home!

  3. 3
    Mike
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:35 am

    This task was lost with sport selection. I’ve pulled some time working at a sports store and I’m here to tell you that baseball equipment is a much tougher sell than golf stuff. Golfers tend to have an insatiable appetite for the newest, shiniest stuff and a LOT of disposable income. They read reviews of clubs, see the commercials and come in saying, “Gimme that.” Did you see that guy last night who threw down 300 bucks for a driver? And he’s probably got half a dozen other perfectly fine drivers stashed away in his garage somewhere.

    As for baseball…well…how long have you had your glove? Your bat? People hang onto that stuff FOREVER. And even when you do get a boomlet for new stuff, it’s usually only for a month or so leading up to the season. And, for the love of Mick, a radar gun is not exactly an “impulse buy.”

  4. 4
    Dan
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:35 am

    Capital Edge was 74% over previous sales. Excel was 34% below previous sales. The difference between +74% and -34% is 108%. But in the boardroom, they kept saying 111%.

    Maybe I’ve been helping my son with his kindergarten math homework a bit too much and forgot everything…

  5. 5
    Dan
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:47 am

    Can someone PLEASE tell me what in the hell Alla was wearing throughout the show? There was an interview where I’m relatively certain she was either caught mid-spa body wrap or was rolling out a new line of pastel bondagewear.
    And that was the best Boardroom since Roid-Rage Chris lost it (wait… I’ll narrow it down) and cried, causing the Donald to show his “fatherly side”. Ew.

  6. 6
    g-dawg
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:50 am

    I can’t believe no one has commented on the way Trump answered his cellularized telephone on the golf course… the strange way he said “hello.” I was really hoping for a video recap of that… but the Cingular ad screen capture was just as great!

  7. 7
    Andrew
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:56 am

    LOL, I loved your summary of the show. This is my first time at this site but I’ll definately be coming back! Keep up the great work!

  8. 8
    Mike
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:57 am

    Okay. I’m outing myself as a stay-at-home dad here…But Trump totally sounded like Anthony answering the phone on The Wiggles:

    “Hellyewwww…”

  9. 9
    RealityTV4Me
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:59 am

    ALL FOUR FIRED?!?! Best.Episode.Evar!

    That cab ride was golden.

    It will be fun to see the “suitemates” surmising who will or will not return. And as the evening wears on, no one returns, so they all go to bed wondering. Then they get that early morning call to meet the big man at the Trump water fountain in Times Square. Water fountains are an 80 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY! Really? The ones around here are all free. Who knew?

    And as Jeff Probst says, Capital Edge is getting their first look at who was fired yesterday. Oh…what’s that? They ALL were!!

  10. 10
    jash
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 6:59 am

    well you take a bit of liberty with the branding of josh’s company as it is well known as “go Smile” a fantastic tooth whitening product…but i digress.

    after this episode i love alla! for calling clay out and for appearing intelligent–a perfect example of why communist societies have better test scores!

    i also must admit the ending was phoenomenal! seeing all four chump squeeze into the BACK SEAT of the cab! oh the humility!

  11. 11
    Leah
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:05 am

    This show is so unrealistic. anyone who has ever tried to put four people in the back of a new york cab can attest to the wrath the cabbie will bring down on you.

    i think this season has been awesome…..how can the ratings be dropping? these people are hilariously awful.

  12. 12
    G-string
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:08 am

    This episode kicked ass…those 4 dolts had it coming and it was only better that they were all axed at the same time.

  13. 13
    chronic
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:08 am

    I wish Markus got more credit for the golf idea, it was genius. More accessories, more high-end merchandise, broader appeal, etc. And Alla was amazing, really focussed and effective, and handled that bitch-tyrant Clay brilliantly. As for team Hubris – do these people never learn. I mean they got sunk by the “Car Theory” already, though they just blamed that all on Markus. That cab ride was completely laugh-out-loud funny.

    What an episode!!! This is the season that I’ve come to appreciate the inimitable magnificence of Trump.

  14. 14
    Trixie
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:11 am

    I am SO GLAD Jen is gone. I couldnt figure out why last week, instead of having to “amputate” the mannequin’s legs on the “Zenthura” float, she just didnt ask that really really short dude on the other team, to stand in. Dan, I noticed the Alla outfit also. Thats mummy chic. Its big this time of year. Does anyone else notice that the Donald has a crush on Rebecca? I wouldnt be surprised if they play footsies under the table (okay, they play crutchies).

  15. 15
    Megan
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:12 am

    After our boy Trump fired all 4 of them, I could barely contain myself in anticipation for the cab ride scene. Were they going to get 4 seperate cabs? All smash into 1? Once I saw them all huddled around the single cab and putting luggage into the trunk it made my day and I couldnt wait for the awkwardness to ensue. They all looked as though they were on the verge of laughter, or going to all gang bang Jennifer.

  16. 16
    Trixie
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:12 am

    I am SO GLAD Jen is gone. I couldnt figure out why last week, instead of having to “amputate” the mannequin’s legs on the “Zenthura” float, she just didnt ask that really really short dude on the other team, to stand in. Dan, I noticed the Alla outfit also. That’s called mummy chic. It’s big this time of year. Does anyone else notice that the Donald has a crush on Rebecca? I wouldnt be surprised if they play footsies under the table (okay, they play crutchies).

  17. 17
    chronic
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:19 am

    Oh yeah, I must say, all the pics this week are AWESOME. I thought that was Michael Moore for a second too. I didn’t even notice Josh making those faces – though it makes sense in hindsight, smug little prick. And the one of Jen is HILARIOUS! She was seriously insane this boardroom. But nothing beats Trump glowering in a Tuxedo.

  18. 18
    m_ruv
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:24 am

    I have to say, Alla is really impressive. I had no idea that a background in the steamy underworld of Slavic porn could prepare you so well for cutthroat corporate America.

  19. 19
    Phil
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 7:25 am

    I like those comments about communist Alla way to go
    you all Americans ….

  20. 20
    Taradash
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 8:15 am

    Speechless….

    Be very Afraid of CLay

    very afraid…..

  21. 21
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 8:20 am

    I shitted bricks last night watching this. Can they do that on a show not even halfway through?

    Donald was in rare form while Carolyn looked as if she had a personal Katrina hurricane following her hair.

    Not only a four-viction. But he got rid of ALL the good looking people. Damn. Damn. Damn. I’m especially gonna miss that phoine, sweaty, unhappy, former baseball player. Damn you Donald.

  22. 22
    MJ
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 8:27 am

    The people upstairs are going to wait…wait…wait some more…for the people who didn’t get fired to come walking in the door. How will they know that all 4 people in the room got fired? I can’t wait to see that!

  23. 23
    pookie
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 8:44 am

    i was still laughing at them all with their tails between their legs dragging their multi-colored carry-on suitcases into the elevator and i missed the cab scene. thanks fr the picture. l literally LOL.

  24. 24
    g-dawg
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 8:48 am

    OH WAIT! How about the scenes for next week, with Trumpy saying “No one can understand a single word you say! YOU’RE FIRED!” and it’s Chewbaca. That about made me pee myself. Shameless plugging of Star Wars, but hilarious nonetheless.

  25. 25
    bubbles4president
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 8:58 am

    hee, hee, hee! It was hilarious watching Blair and the three Stooges in the backseat of that cab.

    I wish we could have watched the backseat as the cab made that sharp right turn around the corner!

    Do you think that The Donald is getting advertising revenue from Yahoo Jobs?

  26. 26
    Lady J
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 9:29 am

    I don’t think this beat out the Wes/Maria “Give me bitchy or give me death” double-firing, but it was pretty interesting. It was a trouncing like no other.

    I did like how Jen rallied, telling Trump firing her would be a mistake, he seemed to really enjoy watching her scrap for it.

    What is it with Carolyn’s hair? She should fire her stylist.

  27. 27
    Trump's Rug
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 9:30 am

    I thought it was a pretty weak episode with an interesting ending. There have been a couple times when I wished Trump would fire more than one loser at once but I always assumed he wouldn’t dare b/c it would allow him to have less episodes.

    Does Bill bug the shit out of anyone else? How’s that tower in Chi-Town going, Bill?

  28. 28
    JLove
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 9:35 am

    The cabride of shame! Was it me or did it look like Jen was just dying to say something (a’la goodbye to Kristi)? It would have been a male eye-roll extravaganza like never seen before. But alas, we were left unfulfilled.

    Alla has got to be the frontrunner at this point with Marshawn pending.

  29. 29
    pixie-girl
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 9:55 am

    I think this quadruple firing allows for more “to be continued …” episodes at the end.

  30. 30
    bybybtchs
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 9:57 am

    Firing 4 people at once is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS!!!!!! I didn’t know that Montauk was the sport fishing capital of the world ( must be news to the Baja or New Zealand or Barrier Reef fishing industries but, hey, sport fishing is a FOURTY BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS!!). The cab ride of shame had tears running down my face. Most uncomfortable exit EVER!! I love how Bill told Jen she barely made it out of the boardroom last week and her performance on this task was poor. Hey Bill, cut the bimbo some slack, after all she sold “a handful of bats”. Well, unless bats go for $399 a pop, they weren’t going to get the job done selling a handful of them. Wrong sport, wrong plan, wrong PM, it was just all wrong and we now know that being wrong is a FOUR PEOPLE FIRED AT ONCE BUSINESS!! Go Donald, way to smack down Martha.

  31. 31
    ha!
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 9:59 am

    Some would better than others. Not The Others, mind you. But others, nonetheless. :)

    ha!

    P.S. “Baby, you can touch my driver! At Dick’s!”

    P.P.S. Sorry, I read it as ‘on the plus size, it’s Michael Moore!’ hehehe

  32. 32
    Adawg
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 10:11 am

    Does this mean we’re going to have 3 more highlight/re-cap episodes as filler?

    Shoot me now.

  33. 33
    dimebag420
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 10:23 am

    With the fall in Donald’s ratings and Martha never having good ratings, might ratings have something to do with multiple people being fired lately (previews for next week’s Martha showed two candidates being told “goodbye”). Could it be that a few are being fired at a time to speed up the shows, therefore having some sort of effect on the ratings?

  34. 34
    jack
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 10:28 am

    van damn! thus far, this had been a lackluster apprentice season but the multiple humiliation knocked the donald’s stock right back into orbit. all that was missing was a quadruple cobra-strike. that would have been good tv.

    mike (# 3) is dead-on about the sport selection. baseball?!?!? james of all people should have known that was a dumb idea. most baseball equipment is sold in bulk to schools and municipal leagues. part of what makes baseball ‘the great american pastime’ is that it requires only one piece of privately owned equipment, which everyone holds on to as long as they can jam their hand into it. and these days, the only baseball kids play outside of an official setting involves a playstation, x-box, or gamecube.

    golf, on the other hand, revolves around the notion that the latest $5,000 NASA-designed graphite-titanium extra-terrestrial composite driver will finally enable one to hit the ball further than they can throw it. golf clubs alone are a $5 billion (BILLION!) dollar a year industry–never mind the bags, balls, tees, spikes, instructional videos, and goofy patterned shirts.

    the biggest tip-off should have been that, aside from the occasional company softball game, people stop playing baseball and take up golf right around the time they start making money.

    idiots. especially jen. ‘i’m going to sell a ton of radar guns.’ to who? a bunch of rugrats from long island? a retired traffic cop who just can’t let it go? ‘lamboooorghini!’ hilarious.

  35. 35
    The Dogg Pound
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 11:02 am

    “The next morning, Rhona made her usual phone call”

    Correct me if I’m wrong but last night’s episode was the first time that Rhona showed some cleavage. Perhaps she feels threatened by the endless line of Miss Universe winners coming into see Trump.

    I still can’t believe that Excel was selling hot dogs, pretzels, and lemonade at their baseball expo. WTF? It’s a sports store, not a baseball game! Maybe if they took out the concession stand, they would have had room to put some of the merchandise in plain view — and then they would have only lost 10% instead of 34%.

    Ordinarily, I think that Mark and James would have been safe in the boardroom — except that a few tasks had been cancelled this season (I believe there are only 12-13 tasks instead of the usual 15-16). So at some point Trump was going to have to fire multiple people, and Excel’s failure in this particular task gave Trump the reason to clean house.

    I’m still going with Randal and Marshawn as the final two, with Clay and Felicia as the next two to go.

  36. 36
    Star
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 11:22 am

    That was the BEST boardroom since season one. When Trump fired all four, my mouth fell open wider than Clay’s after walking into a NFL lockerroom. The delivery of Trump’s “Life goes on” was SO SWEET. There is only one Trump!

  37. 37
    America's Next Top Fan
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 11:50 am

    dimebag420 (#33)

    these shows are taped before they air. they have no idea if the show is going to flop or succeed so they’re unable to make multiple firing adjustments, praise Alla.

  38. 38
    dimebag420
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 12:04 pm

    Maybe I should have said “seasons” instead of “shows”. As in, if he had only fired one of them last night, the season would have been 3 episodes longer. Getting rid of 4 at once, or 2 in Martha’s case, speeds the season up. Thus, getting to the finale quicker. To me, it just seems like there is an Apprentice overload right now. So maybe the producers want to balance that out by shortening both shows’ seasons. Just a thought.

  39. 39
    skillet
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 12:06 pm

    This trend of increasing multiple firings to one-up previous seasons is great. Can’t wait till D sends a whole team home on the season premiere episode.

    Personally, I think if they want to excite it up, Donald, Carolyn, etc. should bring apartment behavior into the final boardroom decision. Who the hell wants to get stuck working w/a person they just saw acting like a jackass on tv? And to see everyone look gobsmacked the first time would be tv heaven.

  40. 40
    Krystal
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 12:08 pm

    Wow! is all I can say about last night’s episode! I didnt’t know he was gonna fire all 4…Josh thought he was off the hook by laying all the blame on Jen..I was so happy to see his cocky ass fired! So true about theres only one Trump!

  41. 41
    Ashley
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 12:37 pm

    hahaha the ending was soooo funny…i was witing till some1 said sooooooo….hahahaha omg way to go donald…i couldnt stand any of them gooo REBECCA!!!

  42. 42
    thehipcrip
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 12:46 pm

    Delurking here ’cause this sensational recap of the best episode since Omarosa got canned in season 1 is the BEST EVER, and sure to make snarking a $42 BILLION INDUSTRY!!!! This site is addictive and should come with a warning label…

    That said, hey TheDoggPound (#35), my bet is that there are only 12-13 tasks this season instead of 15-16 because THE DONALD canned the gruesome foursome rather than the other way around.

    Jack (#34) nailed it when he said that a quad cobra strike would have made damn fine tv.

    And it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who thought the “preview” for next week featuring THE DONALD sh*t-canning Chewbacca for not speaking clearly was a hoot, made even funnier by giving Chewie a tiny, barbie-pink roll-on bag to drag with him into the elevator to the lobby. Only way it could have been better would be to have other Millenium Falcon crew in the boardroom so they could cut to Harrison Ford’s face dropping as he mutters “Holy Zenthura!” under his breath when Chewie gets the cobra strike.

    Keep these hilarious (and timely) recaps coming, please! My first thought after hearing “You’re all FIRED” last night was, “DAMN, I will plotz if the TVGasm commentary on this isn’t up tomorrow!”

  43. 43
    Ash
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 12:49 pm

    That Cingular reference was the best ever!

  44. 44
    Kathryn
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 1:15 pm

    I’m so glad Josh is gone. But sad that he didn’t have to suffer the walk of shame by his lonesome. Josh = tool.

  45. 45
    Ed
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 1:15 pm

    I just don’t get what Mark did wrong in this task. He was ordered by his boss to create a fun learning experience. By all accounts, and imo, he succeeded spectacularly.

    If Trump, or any other executive, fired competant people pell mell, their corporation would never go far. It is not the journeyman’s fault if he creates a perfect space, only to later discover the architect’s drawings were flawed and the space was too HUGE.

    To those criticizing Bill’s recent behavior as non-George, I say he was doing exactly what a junior executive must do. To the extent practicable, let your boss direct you as to the way you should proceed. In other words, take your cue from the head honcho.

    This week, the boss was out of the picture, so he needed to show initiative. Then, he was serendipitously presented with an incredibly obvious set of circumstances. He could afford to be snarkilicious and he was brilliant at it.

    As to the progres of the Chicago Tower…it turns out that the retaining wall for the Chicago River was not in good repair. This caused a major delay and cost not anticipated by those way above Bill’s pay grade, and who were hired by Trump personally. Trump himself has changed course at least three times in the past four years.

    Finally, I was most disappointed with Carolyn’s wooden affect as Donita. She was at least as corporate as the Chenbot on Big Brother. But I guess when you don’t actually sleep with the boss, you can’t take chances. She should NEVER be shown up by a junior dude like Rancic. He owned this project.

  46. 46
    chronic
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 1:41 pm

    I agree that Mark and James deserved it a hell of a lot less. Yes, James had a bad idea, but everyone else endorsed it completely. And yes, Mark did an excellent job exactly as he was instructed. But I get the impression that *decreasing* sales by 34% is pretty much unconscionable in Trump’s books and calls for extreme measures. You’d think that somewhere along the line, one of these guys would’ve realized it was time to shut down the batting cage and get on the floor and sell.

  47. 47
    Taradash
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 2:24 pm

    I thought about the shortness of his segments firing 4 people , but then realized November this month is the Sweeps in its entirity and alot of thursday programming is usually pre empted for Specials, thanksgiving etc

    not to mention they deserved to be fired

  48. 48
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 2:40 pm

    So glad I tuned in. I agree — Best. Episode. Evar.

    Mad props to b-side for such a swift recap.

    bubbles (#25) “I wish we could have watched the backseat as the cab made that sharp right turn around the corner!”

    Yeah, me too. That would have been hilarious.
    Some pretty nifty editing, there.

    There is *no fucking way* I woulda got into that cab with those other losers. I would have hailed my own cab, to hell with the consequences. What would they do, fire me? Are these people getting paid? I think not.

    Megan (#15) “…all gang bang Jennifer.” As someone who’s never been sexually assaulted, I found that comment super funny!

  49. 49
    roxanne
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 2:51 pm

    i can’t believe how amazing this season is. i totally gave up on the apprentice after last season’s disaster, but this year….ah yes, i forgive ye, donald.

    best cab ride ever.

  50. 50
    roxanne
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 2:59 pm

    cingular commercial reference? totally genius.

  51. 51
    Dave J.
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 3:31 pm

    Could it be that a few are being fired at a time to speed up the shows, therefore having some sort of effect on the ratings?

    I thought of that, but then recalled that most of the show is shot before the first show even airs, so there’s no way they’d know about the ratings while they were shooting individual episodes.

  52. 52
    vlaovik
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 3:59 pm

    Who’s wearing what?

    Was I mistaken or did we not have a flash of Felisha’s thong at one point in the store? Sh’es walking away from the camera and surely the top 2 inches of her cheesy undergarment is clearly visible…

  53. 53
    Casey
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 4:39 pm

    “Fore!”

    (get it, it’s a golf term, and -four- people were fired because they were defeated by the team that pursued the golf theme)

    Oh well … never mind …

  54. 54
    Raychel
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 5:29 pm

    When the Fantastic four started to go into the boardroom I was like, “Fire them all! Shorten the season!” But then I was like, maybe he’ll pull a Wes/Maria. But THEN I remembered the preview from last week that said it’s never been done in the boardroom (Never being done in the boardroom is a 50 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!), so I thought he’d fire 3 of them to leave one lonely person walking up to the suite. But I was wrong. Firing all four ROCKED MY PANTS.

    Also…where’s Kelly and Kendra? Where’s their Apprentice winner screentime love?

  55. 55
    Dickey D
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 5:55 pm

    B-Side, i definately loved Alla’s birthday card… i want one from her now lol – mark completely deserved to go home, he didnt do anything? they all sucked… but Jen was hot, ah well, there’s still some hope in Rebecca

  56. 56
    Katrina
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 11:28 pm

    Wow this episode was great!

    I cant believe Marcus actually did something GOOD for his team since he came up with the golf idea.

    I was a bit pissed though b/c last week’s preview for this show was nothing like what happened. It said Donald came back early from his trip and then there was a clip of him saying something like “what is wrong with your head? you’re fired” which never happened. oh well, what really happened was better than anything I would have expected!

  57. 57
    Courtney
    Posted October 29, 2005 at 10:52 am

    I don’t think Carolyn’s hair stylist likes her at all. Her hair each week is just horrible.

  58. 58
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted October 29, 2005 at 11:04 am

    That boardroom massacre was YOOGE!

    The Clown Cab-ride of Silent Shame — priceless.

  59. 59
    mere2142
    Posted October 29, 2005 at 2:01 pm

    Best episode all season. I couldn’t stop laughing during the cab ride. Couldn’t Donald spring for two cabs?

  60. 60
    Mike
    Posted October 29, 2005 at 2:19 pm

    “Also…where’s Kelly and Kendra? Where’s their Apprentice winner screentime love?”

    I think you’re seeing exactly just how much they’re really loved.

  61. 61
    Ryan
    Posted October 29, 2005 at 10:58 pm

    It seemed to me that all the people that were fired were the ones who didn’t do any selling(of the products anyway). Especially James and Mark. I don’t even know what Josh did to be honest.

    Rebecca’s the only one I like left. I don’t know what all the hoopla’s about when it comes to Alla.

  62. 62
    Felisha Apprentice
    Posted October 30, 2005 at 1:59 pm

    I bet NBC is enjoying Felisha. For the second straight week we see a image of Felisha wearing a thong. Last week, she was bending over and her pink undergarments were showing. This week she was walking away and we noticed her blue thong up her butt. I bet NBC want to keep her on the show so they can get better ratings.

  63. 63
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted October 30, 2005 at 2:36 pm

    Felisha Apprentice (#62) — why are you talking about yourself in the third person?!

    Why don’t you just save the suspense and let us know precisely what portion of undergarment you will be flashing on the next show. Cheers.

  64. 64
    GregnNYC
    Posted October 30, 2005 at 2:46 pm

    My jaw dropped when they fired FOUR of them. And I too had fallen for the “good team” vs. “lame team” comparison. It must have ate Josh alive that he was fired before Markus & Clay.

    Cingular Reference was hilarious.

    I’m calling for a Rebecca, Squidward, Alla, Brian Final Four. And Rebecca should win. She is FIERCE!

  65. 65
    skoobedart
    Posted October 30, 2005 at 3:48 pm

    Jen’s eyes were set a little too close together – she deserved to go.

  66. 66
    Felisha
    Posted October 30, 2005 at 5:13 pm

    This is Felisha. I will be appering with just a red thong on the next television show. NBC are such peverts. They got me on camera while I was changing.

  67. 67
    bdos88
    Posted October 31, 2005 at 3:21 pm

    I finally understand the true meaning of this site’s name, I got my first real Tvgasm from the ending of this episode. After cleaning up and smoking a cigarette I then proceeded to laugh for ten minutes straight like a hyena. I just could not believe that they crammed all four of those meatheads into the back of the cab like it was a clown car. Honestly, just thinking about it now has me cracking up all over again. Best boardroom evah!

    Alla rocked. Jen was ridiculous and should have been fired long ago. Clay is an embarrassment but kind of cute once he shuts up, which seems to be never. I’m pulling for Randal the squid, Rebecca and Marshawn to go all the way.

    The Michael Moore pic made me do a spit-take. Great recap!

  68. 68
    Eclectic Stem
    Posted November 3, 2005 at 7:31 am

    Oh, who hasn’t shown the top of their thong once in a while. So Felisha’s was on tv. It happens. Whatev.

    Keep it rockin’, girlfriend. Thong and all.

  69. 69
    Emmy
    Posted November 7, 2005 at 9:11 am

    When is the next recap coming?!?! I forgot to tape it and I am dying to know more details!!

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