TVgasm Attends Apprentice Party, Acts Dumb

Thanks to fellow blogger Andy Dehnart at Reality Blurred, I got a heads up Wednesday night about a party being thrown by recently-fired candidate Tammy Trenta from The Apprentice 5. The big bash was not to celebrate her stunning failure as Project Manager, but instead, it was to promote Tammy’s new line of high-end laptop bags. Yes, random, I know. Anyway, since Tammy was throwing this party just a few doorsteps down from my apartment, I had to check it out. The full adventure after the jump…So here’s the deal. Tammy’s party started at 7 PM and ran until 10 PM. Three hours — not bad. One problem: this was Wednesday night, a night that was already log jammed with the Top Model finale, the Idol results show, and oh yeah, the two hour finale of The Amazing Race. Time would be limited. Luckily, I had that first golden hour from 7 to 8 in which I could stop by and snap photos. I would have to be a well-oiled machine, but I knew I could juggle all these scheduling conflicts.

Well, I arrived at the party, and a sad realization came upon me very quickly: I was alone. Dumbass me forgot to bring a friend. Normally, that wouldn’t be too much of a problem, but it turned out that Tammy’s little bash was quite swanky. This wasn’t the typical reality star party with people mugging for the camera and hoping to extend their fifteen minutes of fame. It was an actual, legitimate cocktail party — and here I was about to be the guy with no friends taking pictures of the kinda famous people. I was already embarrassed for myself.

Making matters worse, this bar was hot. Literally. No ventilation, and in a moment of sheer brilliance, I had decided to wear a black sweater. Faster than you can say “shiny,” I had a nice film of sweat covering my forehead. So to recap: I was the sweaty guy lurking around with no friends. It was awful.

Anyway, I didn’t want to come on too strong with the photos; so I pretended to be interested in the laptop bags. A sweet girl gave me all the specs on them, including the price tag: a whopping $4,500. Yes, Tammy was charging “in the range” of $4,500 for her bags. Her laptop bags. Look, when the bag costs more than the computer, you gotta start questioning things.

I call this bag “Midnight Love.”

And I call this bag “$4,500? Seriously?”

Well, after feigning interest in these overpriced bags, I then decided to get down to business: time to chat with the Apprentice stars. The first people I awkwardly introduced myself to were Dan (he was the guy who went to synagogue with Lee) and Allie. They were both friendly — Dan more so than Allie. I mean, Allie was sweet, but I definitely got that distinct Allie vibe from her. The same one we’ve seen all season: carefully mannered politeness, possibly hiding a bitchy rage. Dan, on the other hand, seemed like a sincerely nice guy. We bantered about nothing in particular for a little bit, but I never got a photo with him. That’s okay. It was only Dan. Sadly, amidst our discussion, Allie drifted away — and so did my opportunity for a pic. I was hoping to “raise my eyebrows” with her. Alas.

Also wandering around was an incredibly tantastic Sean, but I didn’t speak to him. I’m sure he would have been quite the cad, but seriously, the risk of him doing his annoying Hugh Grant mannerisms would have been too high. I wouldn’t have been able to deal. Sadly, I was so consumed with trying to regulate my damn body temperature, I completely forgot to measure any sort of tension between Allie and Sean. I bet if I had really been on my game, I could have had them throwing chicken satay skewers and tuna sashimi at each other (both of which were being served, and both of which were quite delicious).

To be honest, there was a point where I debated talking to Sean, and just as I was about to open my mouth, some other guy came up and interjected. I sort of stood there for a few moments, long enough for a photographer to come up and take a candid picture of us all, as if we were all engaged in conversation (but alas, I was merely standing there awkwardly — as is now immortalized on film).

Eventually, I decided I had to do something other than stalk the hors d’oeuvres. I approached the star of the party, Tammy, and schmoozed with her for about two seconds, telling her how sorry I was that she’d been fired (I really wasn’t that sorry, but I had to say something). I then bit the bullet and asked if I could get a picture with her. Hence the photo at the top of this post. Overall, Tammy seemed pleasant. Didn’t really get a good read. I should have asked her about Brent. Dammit. What was I thinking?

After about half an hour of me wandering around the room like an idiot, I realized I needed to go home and watch the Top Model finale (I had promised to call into our live show that night). That was okay though. I was more than happy to leave that sauna. I noticed some gift bags by the exit, but I didn’t take one. It was too early. I just couldn’t be the guy who walked in, got a shiny forehead, snapped pictures of some reality stars, and then took a gift bag — all before the party had even hit its prime. Instead, I resolved to come back after Top Model and take more pictures and hopefully land a gift bag then.

The best part about living just a few doors away from this party was that I could change out of my damn sweater and put on my trusty blue-striped shirt. Fast forward an hour. I returned a dryer, more confident man. First order of business: find another Apprentice-ite. Well, I had just the target. The ever lovable, ever wacky Theresa. For those of you who don’t remember her, she was the one who hired horse-drawn carriages for the Chevy Tahoe corporate retreat. Anyway, I introduced myself to her, and she was a bundle of joy and energy. She was hilarious. Totally bubbly and friendly. I knew I could ask her for a picture and not feel embarrassed. She was totally into it, and she said she was going to introduce me to the rest of the gang. Sadly, we somehow got separated, and so I never received a formal introduction to everyone, including Charmaine (who looked smokin’ hot, I must say). I think it was all for the best. I did have a lingering sense of guilt as I chatted with Theresa. After all, this was the woman who I had called, “Boobs McGillicutty,” “Breasty Malone,” “Mammary Fitzpatrick,” and “Tits McShane.” By the way, her breasts — not as ridiculously huge in person.

Eventually I decided I had better leave. I still had a whole lot of TV to watch. This time, as I exited, I was sure to grab a gift bag. I was quite excited. Swag from a reality star? It’s the best kind! (Well, not really, but for the purposes of this post it is.) When I returned to my apartment, I eagerly tore into the bag. Of course, I documented the entire event:

Oooh. The bag. So much promise…

What nuggets of Tammy Trenta joy lay beyond these frills of cray paper?

I sense that I’m not the target demographic when the first thing I pull out is a copy of Pink. It’s some sort of magazine for business women. Blah.

Excitement courses through my veins as I discover a mysterious envelope in the bag…

Eh. It’s a gift certificate to a salon. Another useless item for me.

Great. Lip balm. Tammy’s also included a box of “PartySmart,” which is an herbal supplement to help with hangovers. Of course, the only thing I see on the box is where it says “morning after.” I automatically (and erroneously) assume this is the famed Morning After Pill, which would be quite the tacky item to include.

Perfect! Revitalizing Night Cream! With the essence of lemon, white lily, and crab apple. My day is complete!

Another item right up my alley: a free waxing!

And lastly, a purse. Well, if this wasn’t the best bag of swag, I don’t know what is!

And so ended my adventures at the Tammy Trenta party. Didn’t really score with the gift bag, but hey, got a few neat pictures. All in a day’s work, I suppose.