TVgasm reader IndianJones proudly displays a Tarshi Bar prior to consumption
A few weeks ago, enterprising TVgasm writer Madeyoulaugh discovered that Apprentice reject Michael Tarshi manufactures his own line of candy bars, aptly titled the Tarshi Bar. Never one to turn down sugary confections or reality star byproducts, Madeyoulaugh quickly ordered a box of these chocolate marvels that promised to “Make Love To Your Stomach.” After a seemingly interminable wait, the candy bars finally arrived yesterday, and the TVgasm editors (along with one avid reader) all partook in a Tarshi tasting. What were the results? Well, you’ll just have to read the Tarshi Bar Photo Essay to find out…
The Tarshi Bars arrive. We gaze upon the handwriting on the mailing label. Could this possibly be the sacred scrawl of one Michael Tarshi, Apprentice star / parking lot magnate extraordinaire?
With a mixture of excitement and fear, Madeyoulaugh unlocks the Pandora’s Box of chocolate bliss. Coincidentally, the lights in the apartment flicker and an ominous breeze blows through.
Feeling the need to “tone it down a little”, the group places the box of Tarshi Bars on a poker table for a moment. Also, the green background is pretty.
Oh what pearls of joy lie just beyond this plastic sheath of bubble-wrapped protection? The collected parties restrain themselves from tearing into the papoose of chocolate.
Madeyoulaugh eagerly paws his way through the layers of bubble wrap. Saliva drools out of his mouth, forcing J-Unit and I to temporarily restrain him in the corner. We feed him a papaya to pass the time.
The Tarshi Bars are revealed in all their naked, powerful glory.
Proving their powers to unite all races and creeds, the Tarshi bars attract this multi-ethnic gathering of hands. What the world needs now is Tarshi, sweet Tarshi.
As we gaze upon the label, we cannot help but stand in awe of this handsome pioneer known as Michael Tarshi. Who else can look off vaguely into the distance, with a gleam in the eye that seems to say “I sell candy.”
We catch the first glimpse of the actual chocolate bar. It occurs to me that Bebe Neuwirth would make a wonderful spokeswoman for the brand. I am then alarmed that I had that thought.
J-Unit takes in the Tarshi Bar’s fragrant odor. Unsurprisingly, it smells like chocolate.
Madeyoulaugh ever so carefully taunts his mouth with the sweet flavors of the Tarshi Bar. He describes the experience as “an epiphany.”
Madeyoulaugh, B-Side, and J-Unit pose for one last group photo before falling down the rabbit hole. We like to think of this shot as our last moment of innocence. We still had dreams then.
Madeyoulaugh suddenly realizes the huge mistake he has made by ingesting this Michael Tarshi foodstuff. Immediate shock seizes his gastro-intestinal system as the low-grade chocolate lands like a thud in his stomach.
The group decides that the Tarshi Bar doesn’t make love to your stomach but instead rapes it. That might explain the semi-Dirty Sanchez on Madeyoulaugh’s face.
WARNING! THE FOLLOWING IMAGES CONTAIN GRAPHIC CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR THE FAINT OF HEART
Madeyoulaugh falls victim to the Tarshi Bar, involuntarily purging a chocolatey goo from his intestinal tract.
Madeyoulaugh likens the experience to a culinary version of The Ring. Tears of regret stream down his face, intermingling with the last remnants of the Tarshi bile.
As you can see, our official tasting of the Tarshi Bar was an emotional roller coaster for all involved. What began as a spirited, happy affair ended tragically as we discovered that Michael Tarshi’s candy bar tasted less appetizing than old Easter chololates found under a couch in mid-July. Eat at your own risk…