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Sunday, March 6, 2005
4:09 pm
16 Comments
TVgasm reader IndianJones proudly displays a Tarshi Bar prior to consumption
A few weeks ago, enterprising TVgasm writer Madeyoulaugh discovered that Apprentice reject Michael Tarshi manufactures his own line of candy bars, aptly titled the Tarshi Bar. Never one to turn down sugary confections or reality star byproducts, Madeyoulaugh quickly ordered a box of these chocolate marvels that promised to “Make Love To Your Stomach.” After a seemingly interminable wait, the candy bars finally arrived yesterday, and the TVgasm editors (along with one avid reader) all partook in a Tarshi tasting. What were the results? Well, you’ll just have to read the Tarshi Bar Photo Essay to find out…
The Tarshi Bars arrive. We gaze upon the handwriting on the mailing label. Could this possibly be the sacred scrawl of one Michael Tarshi, Apprentice star / parking lot magnate extraordinaire?
With a mixture of excitement and fear, Madeyoulaugh unlocks the Pandora’s Box of chocolate bliss. Coincidentally, the lights in the apartment flicker and an ominous breeze blows through.
Feeling the need to “tone it down a little”, the group places the box of Tarshi Bars on a poker table for a moment. Also, the green background is pretty.
Oh what pearls of joy lie just beyond this plastic sheath of bubble-wrapped protection? The collected parties restrain themselves from tearing into the papoose of chocolate.
Madeyoulaugh eagerly paws his way through the layers of bubble wrap. Saliva drools out of his mouth, forcing J-Unit and I to temporarily restrain him in the corner. We feed him a papaya to pass the time.
The Tarshi Bars are revealed in all their naked, powerful glory.
Proving their powers to unite all races and creeds, the Tarshi bars attract this multi-ethnic gathering of hands. What the world needs now is Tarshi, sweet Tarshi.
As we gaze upon the label, we cannot help but stand in awe of this handsome pioneer known as Michael Tarshi. Who else can look off vaguely into the distance, with a gleam in the eye that seems to say “I sell candy.”
We catch the first glimpse of the actual chocolate bar. It occurs to me that Bebe Neuwirth would make a wonderful spokeswoman for the brand. I am then alarmed that I had that thought.
J-Unit takes in the Tarshi Bar’s fragrant odor. Unsurprisingly, it smells like chocolate.
Madeyoulaugh ever so carefully taunts his mouth with the sweet flavors of the Tarshi Bar. He describes the experience as “an epiphany.”
Madeyoulaugh, B-Side, and J-Unit pose for one last group photo before falling down the rabbit hole. We like to think of this shot as our last moment of innocence. We still had dreams then.
Madeyoulaugh suddenly realizes the huge mistake he has made by ingesting this Michael Tarshi foodstuff. Immediate shock seizes his gastro-intestinal system as the low-grade chocolate lands like a thud in his stomach.
The group decides that the Tarshi Bar doesn’t make love to your stomach but instead rapes it. That might explain the semi-Dirty Sanchez on Madeyoulaugh’s face.
Madeyoulaugh falls victim to the Tarshi Bar, involuntarily purging a chocolatey goo from his intestinal tract.
Madeyoulaugh likens the experience to a culinary version of The Ring. Tears of regret stream down his face, intermingling with the last remnants of the Tarshi bile.
As you can see, our official tasting of the Tarshi Bar was an emotional roller coaster for all involved. What began as a spirited, happy affair ended tragically as we discovered that Michael Tarshi’s candy bar tasted less appetizing than old Easter chololates found under a couch in mid-July. Eat at your own risk…
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16 Comments
Reading your recount of the Tarshitization of the TVGASM crew had me running the gammot of emotion, I laughed, I cried, I threw up a little in my mouth only to realize that even that probably tasted better than those dirty ole chocolate bars. Ahhhh the inhumanity.
For TVGASM readers everywhere, I thank you for falling on the tarshi bar for us – so that none of us had to suffer.
In this weekend of tragedy, I sit vigil at MYLs bedsite, praying for a speedy recovery as one of three Reality TV Blogger Heroes who has fallen victim to the Tarshi Bar.
Let not this culinary genocide go unoticed or unanswered for.
How can chocolate taste that bad? I bet you all liked it and ordered more when you were done.
P.S. The blurring of the faces was a nice touch. I almost feel like I’m watching COPS or some hidden camera reality show.
It’s great to finally see the legendary MYL, B-Side and J-Unit (although pixilated). Funny column guys. IndianaJones, you have a sexy smile.
Hey, 90046 is MY zip code too!!! YAY!!!
Gasm fans the world over need to know… who is that on the dartboard in the background of the J-Unit picture?
Perhaps another contest? I’m going with Shannon Doherty at the outset.
B-Side! What medical ailment do you have that forces you to wear that Medic-Alert bracelet?? You’re not gonna die, are you??
B-side donated a kidney to a cousin who was suffering from a rare degenerative kidney ailment. That bracelet is only small reminder of the courage some of us get to see B-side exhibit every single day.
What did you expect from someone whose best idea for impressing Donald Trump was, “I owe a parking lot”? If he highlighted the parking lot and not the candy bars, I can only deduce that even he knows the candy bars are less impressive than the parking lot, meaning that they must taste like asphalt.
SusieQ,
Minus the “phalt”
MYL
Wait — we are on to something. Asphalt = tar. Ass, more or less = shit.
Combine them — Tarshit, or shortened, Tarshi.
The candy bar was not actually named after him. Rather, they simply combined the ingredients to make the name.
next time get scantily clad hot chicks to devour all that is tarshi.
Not that I mind watching Madeyoulaugh crap out his own mouth…
B-Side,
I’m thinking you’re at a 30-day Tarshi Bar Detox Program which is why your Survivor write up is so tarshi whoops! tardi.
Snarko – that would not be far from the truth!
Sounds like you might wanna send a few complimentary samples to the boys over at http://www.bad-candy.com/
Sounds like a sure winner…and kinda looks like it too. Eew.
The post….the comments…..the blurry pictures….loved it all. This is why I keep coming back.