Women

The Apprentice

By B-Side | Friday, September 24, 2004 | 2:05 pm | 17 Comments

203_12.jpgPsychology students of the world, please gather round. If you’ve ever wanted to see a case study of self-preservation rearing its ugly head to create a scapegoat, look no further than last night’s episode of The Apprentice. Donald Trump facilitated a circus in his board room that led to the unfair ouster of chronically misunderstood team member Stacie. Sure, the dandelion fluff’d one was a little nutty, and yes, in week one she seemed to be at wits end when no one would pay attention to a Magic 8 Ball, but did she really deserve the ungracious character assassination these women handed to her? I mean, they made her sound like an ax-wielding mad woman. Oh well. These catty detractors from the feminist movement have bought themselves a little time before they the knives have to be sharpened for each other.Speaking of sharp implements of pain and suffering, Maria was back in full force last night. Last week’s superficially sweet and mannered robot put back on her SS boots and went from this:

maria2.jpg

To this:

Maria was in full-force sneer mode from the top of the show, accusing Stacie of having a scary meltdown during the first task (the aforementioned Magic 8 Ball impasse). Of course, Maria never loses it. Instead, she just keeps her bottled-up rage barely suppressed with a few passive aggressive remarks, as best evidenced during her latest trip to the board room. As team leader Elizabeth accused Maria of being incompetent (a very harsh slander, by the way. All Maria did wrong was falsely report a printing estimate to be $5,000 less than it’s actual price. No big deal. Happens to everyone), Maria seemed to bat away all criticism with a quick flutter of the eyelids. Honestly, at one point, her eyelids were blinking so quickly I thought she was trying to achieve flight. I would have attempted a video capture, but I knew it would be too difficult to see.

I do enjoy Maria’s rigid mannerisms, but she really deserved to go. She did after all have the oversight that caused what should have been the winning team to head to the board room. Last night’s challenge was a marketing mission in which teams had to create the biggest buzz around Crest’s new annoying flavor, Vanilla Mint. I have an idea. Why don’t you take it and put it on a highly rated national TV show, maybe get Donald Trump’s face on there, and spend an hour extolling it? Oh wait. Okay, how about just getting Mike Piazza to use it instead?

That’s pretty much what Team Apex opted to do. They took the route of getting a celebrity to endorse the toothpaste in front of a bunch of adoring fans. At first the women were going to try to nab LL Cool J, which would have been awesome, but instead they felt more comfortable with Mets catcher Mike Piazza. Jennifer C. made the case that everyone in New York loves Mike Piazza – even Yankees fans. Um, actually, they all think he’s gay. Maybe Jennifer was talking about someone else. That would explain why she was chronically mispronouncing his name.

The guys, meanwhile, came up with a not so brilliant scheme to offer a million dollar giveaway to whoever opened the lucky tube of toothpaste. Not surprisingly, this was the brainchild of Andy, whose previous contribution to the group was “Crustacean Nation.” There’s nothing wrong with a million dollar sweepstakes, but when you only have one day to put it into action, not even the best legal team can get that fine print all in place.

Well, at the last minute, the legal department called the guys and basically told them “Yeah, you’re idea is retarded. We’re not doing it. Good luck!” Fortunately, Team Mosaic had a contingency plan involving circus freaks and whatnot, and the team put together a solid effort in Washington Square Park. As EW.com points out though, seeing oddballs in that neighborhood isn’t exactly head-turning.

Over at Union Square, Mike Piazza looked about as enthused about this product launch as a baseball player shilling toothpaste could look. Maybe he was just a little sad that the event wasn’t going on in Chelsea. Either way, he was a good enough sport to brush his teeth and sign some autographs, but apparently a smile and some energy were too much to ask for. If LL Cool J had been there, he would have been working the crowd like none other.

Still, the Mets catcher did what he had to do and the girls pulled off a solid event. It seemed like everything would be just fine, and all that infighting (and by infighting, I mean cattiness directed towards Stacie J.) might just float away. Oh, there was that budget thing that I mentioned about Maria though. You see, she was in charge of getting all these nifty flyers out to Union Square and while the printer originally gave her an estimate of $1800, a little thing called MASSIVE OVERTIME kicked in when the project went, you know, all night long. So that estimate kind of mushroomed into about $6700, a change that caused Maria to adopt her patented severe face. Ivana tried to negotiate with the printer by subtly remarking, “You are raping me.” Well played, Ivana.

Well, the girls went over budget by 10% which sent their butts into the boardroom. We knew it would happen because once again, Trump’s little nugget of business acumen foreshadowed which team would lose. Seriously, Mark Burnett’s got to cut back on the in-show spoilers. As a reward, the guys went off to the Queen Mary 2 (I heard Mike Piazza was jealous until he found out it wasn’t a bar in the Village), where they seemed to reenact the opening scenes of Titanic by boasting about the ship’s size. I sort of wanted it to hit a random iceberg in the harbor just to shut everyone up. The Mosaic peeps all got drunk at dinner and then went out to the deck to give a slurry hommage to America and freedom by singing one of the more slovenly versions of “America the Beautiful.” It was really touching. I wonder if Andy vomitted over the side of the ship.

Back at the apartment, the girls were self-destructing. Elizabeth and Maria went at it with shrill gusto while Stacie J., confident that her only misstep this week was a toothpaste transportation oversight, sat in the corner smugly. The ladies all went down to the boardroom where The Donald grilled Maria and Elizabeth for their inadequacy. Personally, I was surprised that there was no fanfare for whenever Trump opened his mouth. After all, every other time we’ve seen him this season, the soundtrack blares regal horns as if Caesar himself were descending upon the contestants.

After some heated bitchiness between the girls, the group slimmed down to just Elizabeth, Maria, and – shocker – Stacie J. At first it seemed as though Maria was going to bite the dust. She and Elizabeth went at it like a cockfight on speed. Then about midway through their self-destruction, they remembered that Stacie was actually sitting there. Oh yeah! In the interest of self-preservation, Maria and Elizabeth called a temporary truce and focused all their wrath on the unsuspecting Stacie, accusing her of having multiple personality disorder. This comes from Maria who has no problem transitioning from “Oh sweetie pie! How are you????” to “Get your motherf**king finger out of my face, BIATCH!”

Anyway, in a wonderful moment of passive aggression, Maria told the panel that she had no idea which personality would come out of Stacie, and then proceeded to smile politely and pat Stacie’s arm as if to say “No offense, hun!” Wow, people really do that. I always thought caricatures on SNL were the only ones. Even though Stacie was the most composed person in the board room, Donald still fell for all the muckraking and insisted that the other girls come down from the suite and verify the accusations. Brilliant plan, Donald. We all know large groups of women NEVER prey on the outsider.

Well, the middle school playground squad – led by real life sixth grader Stacy R. – showed up and was ready to pounce on fresh blood. When The Donald asked them about Stacie’s behavior, they gave increasingly ridiculous answers. “I feared for my life,” said one. “I thought she was borderline schitzophrenic,” said another. “She tried to behead me with a chainsaw,” said yet another. Oh wait, no, that was just what I imagine was said in the unaired footage. Unfortunately, Stacie’s only response was “I’m not crazy,” which is sort of the Hollywood way of saying “I’m very crazy.”

Honestly, Stacie is a bit nutty, but this sort of character assassination was fairly deplorable, I thought. These women have all displayed the emotional stability of Faye Dunaway in “Mommy Dearest”, and to be honest, their complete surrender to group mentality spoke more to their lack of professionalism than to their savy business sense. To Stacie’s discredit though, she did absolutely nothing to stand up for herself except shake her head. Overall, it was a very sad display for everyone involved.

The good news is that Ivana and Jennifer C. will be spearheading a production of Arthur Miller’s “The Crucible” next episode. Can’t wait!

About

17 Comments

  1. 1
    Jer
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 2:52 pm

    First off, I’m now addicted to this site. Back in the day, Salon would recap some reality show or another and I never read it because, well, I had actually just seen the show. Well, I watch all the shows you guys review and read this site faithfully because it’s f’ing hilarious. Great work.

    Second, there was the one hot lawyer that actually characterized it pretty accurately. I think the most the Don got out of her was that it made her “nervous”. Being a lawyer, she probably felt slightly less comfortable with slander.

    Stacy, the adult one that is, seems to suffer more from not being able to read other people’s reactions. What made her Magic 8-ball scene seem nutty is that she couldn’t judge the others well enough to not keep going with her goofy pep-talk when everyone else wasn’t “getting” her.

    She isn’t crazy, but she didn’t seem to have great social skills either. I say dumb stuff all the time but stop when people give me the WTF look. That’s what makes me an incredible businessman. Or something.

    Anyway, Jase sucks.

  2. 2
    b-side
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 3:24 pm

    Jer – I completely agree with you. Stacie’s 8 ball moment was a pep talk gone way wrong, and I think she got mad that no one wanted to listen to her.

    And yes, that hot lawyer was very smart. she didn’t want to be a bitch, but she didn’t want to rock the boat. she’s been great about staying out of the fray.

  3. 3
    Anthropologist
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 4:12 pm

    Yeah, I kind of agree, I was thinking that Maria was going to gone last night and was kind of surprised at the let’s all gang up on one chick tonight. Its funny how the comments from the initial 8-ball incident went from, “Ok, she’s a little off” to last night’s, “OMG I thought I was going to die!” I wasn’t a big find of the crazy chick but I would have rather seen Maria get the ax. She is just a straight up b!tch!

  4. 4
    Anthropologist
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 4:14 pm

    Er…ignore all my grammatical errors, too much kava tonight :)

  5. 5
    Liz Loves TARgasm
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 4:27 pm

    B-side –

    Once again you absolutely continue to amaze me with your witty, super-funny and super-smart writing. I gotta say that reading your recaps is better than the show itself. This summary was laugh-out-loud funny!!!

    On a side note — perhaps, it’s time to change the pics at the top of your site to reflect the cast of characters from the new fall season?
    Thanks!
    Liz

  6. 6
    b-side
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 4:30 pm

    Good point Liz. I’ve been thinking about doing that…

  7. 7
    Joe
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 5:15 pm

    Isn’t Burnett going to remind Trump to let the nutty folks out the building LAST?

  8. 8
    Lady J
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 6:59 pm

    From week to week the goings on are astounding. Last week Ivana told a boldfaced lie (that she had no idea what Stacie J. was doing on the phone), defended that lie, then finally caved and admitted that she had in fact known about the temp idea and okay’ed it.

    Now Maria chastises the entire group saying they have to wipe the slate clean on Stacie J.’s “outburst,” then turns around and uses that exact incident to deflect attention from her own glaring fuck up. And she did it so smooth, offering to explain what the anti-Stacie issue was as though she were going to defend Stacie. Nobody likes a snitch.

    I was relieved for Stacie J. She clearly needs to work on her own and not in large groups. Looking at her website (staciej.com), it was shocking to see how many acting/improv classes she’s taken. She employed none of those skills in her interaction with the other candidates. In the boardroom she always looked nervous and stoic. She seemed overwhelmingly shy. I’ve got a shyness problem that makes me seem cold if you don’t know me. Very, very cold. But I don’t know anyone’s deep, dark secrets and I’m not really thinking about them. It’s the narcissist in people that makes them imagine and project onto the lone wolf.

    Stacie is much better off getting on with her life.

  9. 9
    alan
    Posted September 25, 2004 at 9:01 am

    It would’ve been fun to have Stacie J around for a bit more. I was looking forward to some Omarosa moments! Alas, I’ve been raped of my opportunity.

    “Real-life sixth grader!” Loves it!

  10. 10
    nobody
    Posted September 25, 2004 at 10:50 am

    she didnt say raped. she said raked. with a “K”

    ass

  11. 11
    jack
    Posted September 25, 2004 at 11:31 am

    Yeah, I was a little surprised Burnett and Trump released Stacie J. so early on, especially when it seemed fairly obvious that Maria blew it. I think they may be getting a little carried away with ‘the board-room’ this year.

    What a nest of vipers that Apex team is! I suppose it shouldn’t be shocking. You have to give some respect to Stacie J. for the way she went out. Omarosa would have thrown the race card without thinking twice about it. Stacie J. might be a little odd and useless, but jesus! Playing with the Magic 8 ball doesn’t make you Lizzie Borden!

  12. 12
    b-side
    Posted September 25, 2004 at 11:31 am

    actually, she did say “raping” with a “P”.

    I have it on Tivo, and I can post an audio file if it will make you feel better.

  13. 13
    drew
    Posted September 26, 2004 at 1:16 pm

    I hope poor Stacey gets something positive out of this.

    I was actually kind of horrified at the way Donald Trump let them rip her apart like a pack of wild boars.

    I certainly have no special affinity toward our Dandelion-headed friend, but I actually felt really sorry for her.

    My dream? That Donald Trump gets sued for discrimination or something, because truly — those scheming bitches (with the exception of that one blonde lawyer, who was relatively restrained) deserve each other. And Stacey’s final comment was right: they will eat each other alive.

    It sends a pretty fucked-up message about what women will do to one another in hopes of succeeding.

    On the guys’ side, can someone please mutiliate Andy from Harvard? I don’t think I’ve ever been more annoyed by a know-it-all.

    B-side. I love you.

  14. 14
    Lisa
    Posted September 27, 2004 at 6:14 pm

    Welcome to corporate America! This incident was further proof of how the snitches and bitches prevail and how they worm their way out of trouble by throwing to the wolves those who may be a little different or won’t mold themselves to the likings of others. This was a witch hunt! It was a way to divert from the real issues and unfortunately it’s a harsh reality and true depiction of how things really work with day-to-day office politics.

  15. 15
    carolyn'sbitch
    Posted September 28, 2004 at 6:48 am

    witch hunt? let’s not get carried away. sure, stacie j. got screwed, and the rest of the girls (with the exception of the blond princeton genius lawyer, who knew stacie was getting railroaded but wisely chose not to contradict the will of the mob) were clearly exaggerating. but while it was obvious that maria was at fault for the failure of the task, stacie j. still sucked and drove everybody nuts.

    it’s unfortunate that trump has thrown logic out the window in the boardroom for the sake of shock value, but in this particular case, i’d guess he is deliberately upsetting the expectations of those who watched last year as sam or omarosa continually escaped the boardroom despite being constant liabilities and annoyances to their teammates.

    what pisses me off is the smug satisfaction trump takes in humiliating people. no amount of money would be worth sitting there taking it from that blow-hard, who has clearly lost all sense of humor about himself.

  16. 16
    bonggargler
    Posted October 1, 2004 at 1:14 pm

    Remember in Pacman there is a ghost called Blinky? I think you should do one of your comparisons (a la Corky and Adria) for Blinky and Maria…

  17. 17
    Vince
    Posted October 11, 2004 at 1:52 pm

    There’s an important rule to remember when people are saying you’re crazy:

    NEVER RESPOND WITH “I’M NOT CRAZY”.

    It makes you look crazy. Why the F couldn’t anybody understand she was playing with a toy???? None of them have the training to determine if she’s got a psych problem and they all acted like they were in white coats and had stethoscopes around their necks.

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