You’re Hired!

Well, this is it, the season (series?) finale of The Apprentice. It’s been a real test of patience, will, and determination to make it all the way to the end. For us that is.

Seriously, is this show done forever? Without question, this has been the worst season to date. Was it the crappy tasks? The shitty rewards? The completely mediocre candidates? The missing George? The predictable boardrooms? The tents? The Hair? Frank? A mixture of all of the above? In any case, we’re LIVE at the Hollywood Bowl, where I’m assuming they’ve paid a LOT of people to show up to pretend like they give a shit about who wins this year. They’re all chanting “Trump! Trump!” but it sounds more like “Chug! Chug!” which is exactly what I’m doing to help myself enjoy this finale. Did I mention I was drinking gasoline?

Paid Extras.

Trump enters, side by side with his devil-spawn Don Jr. and Ivanka. To be totally honest, I think Ivanka was one of the only bright spots of this season. I think she’s come across as very intelligent, articulate, and rational. Maybe they should give the show to her next year. The Apprentice: Ivanka. Don Jr. however is about as charismatic and interesting as Rosie O’Donnel’s vagina.

Trump gives some speech about how excited he is to be at the Hollywood Bowl and introduces us to…yes, a montage. You gotta have a montage.

Hey, remember 13 weeks ago? 18 people showed up and built a tent! It was about as exciting as that sounds.

Heidi and Frank became the first project managers of two teams, Arrow and Kinetic, and led them in running a…car wash? This is the Apprentice, right? Not Donald Trump’s Marching Band Fundraiser? We sure?

In a new twist, the winning team would live inside their mansion (all sleeping in the same room mind you) with the losers sleeping outside in tents! Oh the humanity! Not tents!

In addition, winning project managers would help Trump in the boardroom as well as stay PM until they lost. This helps explain why of the four remaining candidates, only ONE of them has a winning record as PM (James), while two of them were only PM once (both with losses – Frank and Nicole), and with Stefani NEVER EVEN HAVING BEEN PROJECT MANAGER. In seasons past, the final two candidates had always been PMs multiple times, usually with solid winning records. This year? Not so much.

Martin was the first candidate fired, which is too bad because we never got a chance to see what other pieces of furniture he liked to dress up as. Would he make a good coffee table? A lamp? A tacky couch? Alas, we would never know.

“Hi. I’m a picnic table.”

Next to go down? Why that would be Carey, the gay man with horrible fashion sense. Carey’s banana hammock bathing suit didn’t fit with anyone’s taste and thus he got the boot.

“Hi. I’m an idiot.”

The following week gave us…a bus tour! Wait, a car wash AND a bus tour? Hey, if you can wash a car AND give a bus tour, you can put up buildings as well in my book. Michelle ended up resigning after her team of waiters failed miserably.

“Hi. May we take your oder?”

With Michelle gone, Team Arrow won their next task…managing a fast food restaurant! Wait a minute. You’re telling me that to be an Apprentice for Trump you need to be able to wash cars, run a bus tour, AND manage a fast food restaurant? Standards have really, really dropped.

Oh, and lest you forget, while celebrating on the beach, Tim caught Nicole’s eye, in what would soon become the lamest, worst, subplot ever.

Over the next four weeks, more candidates were fired – Marisa, Aaron, Amy, White Trash Derek, and Jenn.

In week 9 the teams shot a webisode, which turned out to not be that much different from the final task, where Nicole’s “expert knowledge” of soap operas helped her team win. Oh, so THAT’S why she’s still here! I’ve been wondering.

Next to go was The Hair himself, Surya, whose team pretty much hated his overbearing and buzz-word using ways. Synergize this, buddy.

Muna went down shortly after for reasons I can’t remember but I’m sure it was probably racist. Angela bowed out next, even though Trump’s love affair with her had given her a free pass for quite a while. I hate to break it to you Donald, but I’m pretty sure she’s gay.

Trumps type.

Out next was Tim, who had gotten completely sidetracked to the wonderful charm and personality that is Nicole. Oh Tim, at least you’re still on the Office.

Heidi and Kristine were next to go after both completely bungling their task in Las Vegas. I still felt like Frank and Nicole should have gotten the boot then as well, but somehow they made it through.

This gave us our final four:

James: The smarmy entrepreneur, who amazingly, probably has the best Apprentice Resume.

Frank: The walking Olive Garden stereotype who is loud, annoying, loud, overbearing, loud, immature, and loud.

Nicole: Probably the most irritating candidate left, whose 0-1 Project Manager standing is, well, far from impeccable.

Stefani: The only remaining candidate to NEVER BE PROJECT MANAGER, but who looks pretty good in a tight shirt.

In their final task, the two remaining teams filmed a 60 second commercial that would appear in a movie theater…what happened to only two remaining candidates completely bungling a live event? No live events are ever held in LA? Jesus, what the hell is going on here?

While James and Stefani chose Aaron and Angela to help, Frank and Nicole brought back Tim and Surya, even though Frank was the main person responsible for Surya’s dismissal.

Both of the commercials were completely enthralling. And by enthralling I mean ridiculously bad.

Tonight, only one of these four people will be named The Apprentice.

Trump introduces the final four as they take the stage: Stefani, James, Frank and Nicole.

1961 called. They want their hair back.

After a quick break, Trump introduces all of the fired candidates. For some reason, Martin is still dressed as a picnic table. Doesn’t this clown own any other shirts?

Stefani, sporting the worst haircut on stage (which says a lot when you’re sharing a stage with Trump), thinks that she should win. And why not? After all, she never took a leadership role this entire season. Sounds good to me!

We’re then subjected to those two horrible commercials once again. The first, from Frank and Nicole, featured some kid in a smelly hospital. Because as we all know, hospitals stink!

Then we watch Stefani and James’ commercial again, which is some sort of courtroom scene that would make John Grisham shoot himself in the brain. Which was better? That’s like asking if you’d rather eat a shit sandwich or eat a shit sandwhich.

“INTER-ES-TING!” Not.

After some short banter, Stefani gives James a lot of credit but still thinks that she should be hired. James also gives Stefani a lot of credit, but still thinks he should be hired.

Trump moves over to Nicole and and Frank. They also compliment each other on a job well done.

Trump proceeds to ask a few fired candidates who he should hire. Not surprisingly Tim picks Nicole and mentions that she was one of the few people to step up early on as PM. Yes, yes she did. AND SHE LOST!!

We’re promised that two people are going to be fired very soon as we cut to another commercial.

When we return, Trump wants to show us the two jobs that the winning Apprentice will get to choose from along with a $250,000 salary. I don’t know, I’m guessing they’ll have something to do with putting up a building of some sort with the Trump name plastered all over it. Call it intuition.

The first is overseeing the construction of a resort in the Dominican Republic. The second is a 47 story luxury condominium complex in Atlanta. As done in year’s past, Trump goes down the line asking the candidates which project they would choose.

Predictable

Have we ever gotten definitive proof of what it is that winning Apprentices actually do? Are they really integral to these projects? Do they make coffee? Are they cleaning the bathrooms? I have no idea.

Ivanka takes some time out to grill Nicole a bit on their super shitty commercial. Nicole basically says the idea was good but the execution could have been better. Oh, you mean spraying a “bum” with a cleaning product wasn’t good execution? Meanwhile, Don Jr. is unhappy with their choice to get Tim and Surya to help them on the final task.

In another waste of several minutes, Trump asks the teams which two people they would fire. Obviously, Stefani and James both think Frank and Nicole should go while Frank and Nicole think Stefani and James should go. What the point of this conversation was, I’m not sure. Can we just hire James already and get this over with?

When we return from the commercial, Trump tells Frank that he doesn’t agree with his decision to bring back Surya and that their commercial was unimpressive and Frank gets fired. He turns to Nicole and gives her some speech about inter-office romance and proceeds to fire her as well. Well that’s a load off.

Shut up.

After their firings, we’re treated to some completely non-scripted video clips of Stefani and James in their natural element. Stefani apparently spends most of her time cruising around in a convertible and talking on her pink Razor. But boy does she look good doing it!

James on the other hand, apparently spends his time running his own company and dressing his baby daughter in the most ridiculous clothing ever.

Okay, that’s just ridiculous.

Trump introduces a special guest…it’s George! Oh George, where have you been all season? Hip replacement? Heart surgery? Who cares! He’s back!

After a quick appearance by George, Stefani claims that she’s been leading in the background during this entire process even though James was the face of the team for most of the season. James meanwhile claims that he’s creative and can see the bigger picture as well.

Trump goes back over to the fired candidates, and Surya says that Trump should hire Sanjaya. Wow, that was pretty much the opposite of funny.

Trump gives a speech to both Stefani and James about how great they are, but as he winds down to his close, he fires James making Stefani the newest apprentice.

Wow. I really thought he was going to hire either James or both of them. But just Stefani? Even though she was never a PM, she still managed to win this season. Amazing. And that goes to show just how bad this show has become.

So what did you think? Did Stefani deserve to win? Does anyone even care?

Well guys, I’ve had an enjoyable time writing recaps for this show, but it might be the last time you see me doing Apprentice recaps for a while, mostly because I’m not expecting a season 7.