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Andy: No offense to Andy, but he sort of reminds me of every sucky dork I ever met in high school. I’m sure he’s actually a very nice guy, but seriously – I’d be hard pressed to ever find a Government major from Harvard with any semblance of social skills. He says that he likes to listen to Sade late at night after dates, which raises all sorts of questions, namely – is he alone at those times, and if not, what sort of a girl would be willing to get to a Sade level with him? Maybe his friend Jessica whose testimony recounts some lame story about a picnic at the beach. Lesson learned: if this season’s challenges revolve around burying yourself in sand and laughing, Andy will ace the show. |
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Bradford: Here’s another Florida applicant to the show. Bradford seems to be caught in a strange ’80s rock/rap time warp as evidenced by his love for The Sugar Hill Gang and old school Ozzy. It sort of matches what appears to be a predisposition towards all things angry and loud. He seems to love war movies (although someone should let him know that Napoleon Dynamite is about neither Napoleon nor Dynamite – discuss) and two of his favorite shows have “Monster” in the title. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s spearheading a marathon viewing of A&E’s bounty hunter show, DOG. Sounds like he’s a little rough around the edges, but that might be his greatest asset… |
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Christopher: Oh my Gawd. Fresh from Mineola, NY – from the heart of Strong Island – comes Christopher, a married stock broker who I have to admit seems pretty cool. I love his description of himself: “I am the type of person that is always joking around and making people laugh. On the other hand, I have zero patience for most people…WOW what a pain [in] the ass I must be.” This guy sounds like he’s applying to TVgasm. |
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Elizabeth: I think we need to get this lady a cold shower. When she’s not pining for a “strong, dynamic man” or waxing romantic about amazing dinners with bottles of red wine, Elizabeth is jonesing for salsa dancing. Good God, she just won’t shut up about it. I think she’ll be happier to shake her hips with The Donald than actually nabbing a job from this show. To her discredit, Elizabeth complains about the state of TV by asking: “Where are Friends and Sex and the City when you need them?!?!” You might find them at the TVgasm DVD store in the NOT FUNNY section. You know, right next to Will & Grace. |
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Ivana: Okay, take a moment to make your own “Ivana” jokes. I’m not going to do it because we all know there will be many cheeky ones in the media and on the show as well. Truth is that I can’t really get a read on Ivana. I don’t really know why she has that 35 year old haircut, and I especially don’t know where her affinity towards Hall & Oates comes from. She’s a woman of few words but I suspect many pantsuits. And not just any pantsuit. I’m talking about pin stripes, light blue hues, sassy colors. Oh, she’s a wild one! |
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Jennifer C.: Modelling this year’s latest in zebra-chic, Jennifer C. seems about as easygoing as a nun in a whorehouse. She tends to rattle off her interests in way that would make Mary Katherine Gallagher proud. I have to admit I’m a little amused in the way she writes like a Jane Austen character: “I do miss Sex and the City terribly!” and “there’s nothing better then (sic.) being surrounded by good company at a great meal with some tantalizing red wine!” Naughty! Part of me expects Jennifer C. to waltz around with a little fan fluttering in her face. It’s therefore appropriate that she works at… Maxim? Huh? |
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Jennifer M: I suppose this other Jennifer is somewhat qualified. After all, she did graduate Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from Princeton which is decent, I suppose. And that whole Harvard Law School is okay (although Yale’s is better). What the hell is she doing in this competition. She’s completely out of her league! |
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John: This guy sort of looks like a jackass, but a cool jackass. He seems a bit young to take The Donald by storm, but he should last a few rounds, especially if he cozies up to sexy Carolyn and her waif posse. The good news is that John seems to have a bunch of fans already, including one dude named John who writes “I’m glad we both have the same name!” And why is that? Makes stalking a little more efficient? |
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Kelly: I fear that Kelly has a rage that is dangerous and explosive. After all, whenever you see a guy with an effiminate name and an Army CV, you know that years and years of childhood taunting must play into the picture somehow. The guy seems to enjoy, nay, adhere to strict organization, as evidenced by his ultra-methodical breakdown of favorite films by genre. Sure he throws in a self-effacing comment about music (“I’m all over the place”) and he does have that suave corporate publicity still on his profile, but in general, I’d steer clear of this dude. |
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Kevin: I read somewhere that Kevin gave up a career in the NFL when his brother was diagnosed with leukemia; so it’s hard to be snarky about this guy. I will say that from the picture it looks like if he put on some of those glasses with the fold down shades, he’d look like Dwayne Wayne. It does appear that he has a lot of black pride based on his favorites (Malcolm X, Good Times, Glory, Why Do White Guys Have All The Fun?); so I’m sure he’ll be happy to be in such a racially diverse crowd. Oh wait… |
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Maria: The first thing Maria says in her hobbies and interests section is “I enjoy laughing, having fun”. Yes, Maria, that is very evident in your photo. Clearly her version of having fun involves scowling at the camera like an SS officer in a gay pride parade. Part of me feels like she could have a lucrative career in the realms of parking enforcement. |
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Pamela: From the picture, Pamela looks all Hilary Rodham Clinton’d out with her corporate black pantsuit, but her interests reveal a party side to this seemingly all business gal. Sure, there’s all the resume clutter on here about the ten million organizations she’s worked for, but then she admits to liking reggae and hip hop and Caddyshack and Old School and Ali G and Chappelle’s Show. Better yet, she didn’t ass kiss and say she loved The Apprentice. This Pamela chick aint so bad. It was also nice of her to thank all the people who had declared themselves fans of hers, but then it was sort of sad to see that no one had bothered to write her a testimonial. Where’s the Friendster love people? Will this lack of loveability be her undoing with The Donald? Probably not. Extra points for not listing The Da Vinci Code as her favorite book like everyone else. |
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Raj: At first glance I thought this guy was a stiff, but then I realized he was only playling a stiff on TV. Raj writes his profile in such an arch, overly elaborate way that I can see him only as a caricature. Everything from the stupid pink blazer to the even stupider polka-dot bowtie is so deliberately an attempt to make us think he’s the next Sam that I call full on bullshit. I don’t believe this guy for a second. I’ll have contempt for him not for being an oddball, but for trying to pull a quick one on us. For shame, Raj! His only saving grace is that he’s not from Harvard or UPENN like seemingly everyone else. Can’t we get some Dartmouth representation? |
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Rob: Rob is like an older looking version of John. He’s an alum of UT, a school which I like because it reared my good friend Tobin and also Ricky Williams, who seems to be travelling around the world on his own personal Amazing Race. But I digress. Rob has that old fratboy thing going for him, as evidenced not only by his fraternity ties but his love of all things Lynard Skynard and Black Crowes. He also lists Napoleon Dynamite as one of his favorite films, which leads me to ask if there were some screening of this film for the contestants. Nearly everyone seems to have praised this hipster flick. Well, if anything can kill hipster buzz, it’s reality stars. Although, that didn’t seem to stop Adam Goldberg… |
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Sandy: Would it be safe to assume that Katrina Campins is Sandy’s idol? This woman follows in that hallowed tradition of bragging about herself but acting as if it were merely self-promotion. Hopefully she won’t be as shrill or spoiled as Katrina, but we never know. Sandy’s claim to fame is that she was the youngest bridal store owner in the country at one point, and I guess in the competitive bridal store subculture, that’s something to really crow about. Sandy apparently has no interests beyond fashion, working out, design, and CSI Miami. I’m already sick of her. |
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Stacie J: Unrelated to popstar Stacy Q, Stacie J is reminscent of at least one fallen singer: Scary Spice. Now, I’m not saying this because she’s black and has huge hair. Okay, I am. I like that this woman enjoys the work of Machiavelli. It gives me hope that she’ll be crafty and shrewd, not brash and dumb like a certain other African-American contestant from last season (and I don’t mean Kwame). She claims she is a restauranteur, but Stacie’s company affiliations seem to tell a different story: Ford Model Management, Elite Model Management, Subway Sandwich Shop. Hmmm… Restauranteur sounds much more glamorous than “works at Subway”. So let’s put the pieces of the puzzle together. It looks like she was a model, but now she’s thirty five and has shifted her career towards… Jared? Interesting. I love it. |
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Stacy R: Oy. Another lawyah from New Yawk. Stacy R (also not related to Stacy Q) looks like she was forced on the show by her mother who undoubtedly wants her to find a nice Jewish boy to make babies with. Luckily Stacy seems to have her act together with a solid law resume under her belt. The good news for her is that she can bond with the other girls with idle banter about Sex and the City – because apparently that’s the only show the female contestants watch. |
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Wes: Oh loveable Wes. If Kermit the Frog were ever to grow blonde hair, this is what he’d look like. Wes has a certain ultra-vanilla problem going against him, but he is a family man who lives with his wife and two younger brothers, so it’s hard to be too mean to him… yet. He hails from Philadelphia, GA which makes me ask why do small towns always pull that shit? It’s like driving out to Idaho and finding a 50 person hamlet called New York City. Anyway, for those needing a little more Wes, check out this “I’m so casual I stand at an angle” photo of him. |
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It should be noted that these opinions are subject to change once I actually start watching the show. So until then, feel free to weigh in with your thoughts…
5 Comments
Awww, come on, Andy looks like a cute little geek.
Jennifer C. & Maria, love the comments, hehehe.
Are Elizabeth & Jennifer M. twins?
Sex In The City Sucks!!!!
OK the Maria comment made me laugh so hard I snorted out loud at work. Thanks a lot.
I hope Bradford does better a job on The Apprentice than he did running that Kenny Rogers Roasters on Seinfeld.
Great comments…Though I do not have much to say…yet. I will say this: I saw Pamela, Rob and John working out one day in my gym. Though they weren’t working very hard. More trying to look pretty and talk about their group dinners – Team 1, Team 2…blah, blah. Yes, yes, turns out THIS lovely Apprentice took place in my apartment building…definitely saw some of these guys floating around. More to come.
Grabz – you’ve been gone for a while. Have you been stalking the Apprentice people in your building?