Zathura!

It’s Friday morning. 3:17 AM to be exact, and I’m now finally sitting down to watch The Apprentice. In the interest of saving a little time and getting this post up on a Friday for once, I’ve decided to change things up a bit and liveblog the hour. It’s bound to be a good one. After all, this is the episode that shamefully promotes Zenthura. I haven’t even seen the show, and I’ve already spent the past six hours saying, “ZENTHURA!” It’s almost as good as Steve Wynn’s “LE RÊVE!” (I can’t explain it. Just go to his website and hunt down “Le Rêve” in the shows category). One question: it is Zenthura, right? Right??3:29 AM
Ah, reliving the last stand of Toral. So sad to see her go.

3:30 AM
Up in the suite, the guys expect Felisha to be fired. I think Felisha should have been fired — for not being able to spell HER OWN NAME.

3:33 AM
You know, Marshawn is really strong and articulate. She basically tells the women to stop talking behind each other’s backs. All the women agree. Cut to five minutes later: “OMG, did you see what Marshawn was wearing? What a bitch!”

3:34 AM
Ah, the early morning Rhona call. Alla steps out of the bedroom looking like an old woman in her layers of bathrobes and such. She picks up the banana phone and learns that Trump is very busy that morning, but he wants to meet everyone at 7:30 AM. ZENTHURA! Sorry, that was premature.

3:36 AM
Trump meets everyone at a park. No George this week, but we get Bill Rancic, who still looks like he just won his job about three hours earlier. Why don’t Kelley or Kendra ever show up?

3:38 AM
Trump tells the women that they have the option to take someone from Excel. They get a minute to confer, but they already know who they want. Squidward! a.k.a. Randal a.k.a. Not Happy. “Shit!” mouths a frustrated Josh.

3:40 AM
Felisha says: “Capital Edge picked Randal for two reasons. 1) We thought he would be an asset to our team, and 2) we thought it would hurt the men’s team to lose him.” And of course reason number three: once you black, you never go back.

3:42 AM
Trump says that teams will be designing floats and working with Sony Pictures. On top of that, he adds that Sony Pictures is “one of the great movie pictures companies in the world.” I’m sure the suits at NBC UNIVERSAL really liked that plug.

3:44 AM
Trump says that the movie is called “ZATHURA!” Wait? I’ve been calling it “Zenthura?” I’ve been pulling a Jen all this time? That’s just embarrassing.

3:45 AM
Okay, this task is dumb. Build a float to “incorporate the spirit of the movie?” What’s next? Gratuitous celebrity cameos from the stars?

3:47 AM
The answer to that last question: yes. Trump: “You’ll meet with the director of the movie, John Favreau.” Man, remember when that guy had cred? Daredevil and then Zathura? He’s done.

3:49 AM
Josh is concerned that the women stole Randal. “Randal has our secret sauce,” he says. Literally. They were planning on making Big Macs that afternoon.

3:53 AM
MONEY MATTERS! It’s the big lesson of the week. And to demonstrate that point, we see Trump talking on the phone with Miss Universe sitting nearby. So you see, money does matter. Because without money, Miss Universe would never be sitting next to The Donald.

3:55 AM
Project Manager Brian says, “It was time for me to step up.” Well, with the assistance of a small crate.

3:56 AM
Hey John Favreau: stop trying to be like your friend Ben Affleck. LOSE THE FACIAL HAIR.

3:56 AM
Remember when John Favreau had cameos in cool shows like The Sopranos? How did he wind up in reality TV?

3:57 AM
“Can you tell us a little bit about the story of Zarutha?” Brian asks. Jon Favreau gives him a look like “WTF???” and says “Uh, Zarutha?” Yeah, Brian. What sort of a douchebag messes up the word “Zathura?” It just rolls off the tongue!

3:57 AM
ZENTHURA!

3:57 AM
I mean, ZARUTHA!

3:57 AM
Um, zathura.

4:00 AM
John Favreau explains to us, “The elephant in the living room on this project is it’s a name that once you learn it, it’s easy. But if you only hear it once, you’re not going to remember the title.” Actually, the elephant in the living room is how fat you’ve gotten. No offense.

4:01 AM
Favreau adds, “And a big part of why we’re doing this is to teach people what the name of the film is.” You don’t have to teach us. We know what it is: ZENTHURA! Shit. Zathura.

4:02 AM
Tim Robbins is in Zenurethra? So much for his Za-Oscar.

4:03 AM
Josh explains the movie: “Zathura’s a children’s book about two brothers who find this board game. As soon as they open the board game, their house is actually uprooted from earth and becomes their spaceship, and they go on this wild adventure throughout the galaxy.” Sounds like it’s right up Meryl Streep’s alley. What? She’s not in this movie. Somebody fire her agent.

4:11 AM
Jennifer M. announces she’ll be Project Manager. Just thought I’d share.

4:12 AM
Brian says he wants the audio on the float to say “Zathura” over and over and over again. Kind of like this episode?

4:14 AM
Uh oh. Markus not doing anything. Not being effective! Time to hate on him again! Brian has Markus fetch dinner. Markus tells us he’s the “Teflon Player.” I think he’s dumb.

4:16 AM
Kristi, who’s greatest contribution to this season has been offering a XXX exercise class, designs a float for her team. Her idea: show the three stages of the Zathura household. The house at rest, the house going to space, and the house in space. Oh, well that clearly displays the scope of the movie. Minus the characters… and villains… and the all important family bond.

4:18 AM
Good news! Kristi is the new Toral. Except whereas Toral had brains, Kristi has twang.

4:19 AM
Wow, Randal has some crazy Squidward face going on right now. I’m sorry, I meant Za-Squidward.

4:20 AM
Hey, Jen just confronted Kristi about her attitude, and she was well-stated, friendly, yet firm. Impressive. ZATHURA!

4:21 AM
Ooh! Jen just accidentally slammed a door in Kristi’s face. Take THAT, Reese Witherspoon!

4:23 AM
Markus yawns. He’s tired. Hey, so am I, and I’m not complaining. Actually, I am. I’ve gotten twenty minutes through this show, and yet it’s been nearly an hour since I’ve been typing. Just more fun times at TVgasm.

4:26 AM
Brian and Markus have a minor fight. Markus thinks Brian was being offensive by making him order dinner. Brian thinks Markus can’t take a joke. Come on, people. This is a happy time. ZATHURA!

4:28 AM
Uh oh. Josh snipping at Markus now, saying that he’s tired of cleaning without Markus’s help. Too bad Randal’s got all their secret sauce, huh?

4:29 AM
Wow, Rebecca without makeup looks somewhat scary. Meanwhile, the women are freaking out about their float. And where’s Jennifer? Out getting stuff. Sounds like it’ll be down to Za-wire.

4:33 AM
Hey, Brian’s doing pretty well for the presentation. Oh… wait… the “stupid music” is playing. Yup, Brian’s babbling on too long. And ouch! Favreau just told him to be quiet. Josh tells us it was like Brian had been “injected with Markus fluid.” Injected with Markus fluid? I don’t want to see what that process looked like. And let’s just go over this again: Randal has the secret sauce, and Brian has the Markus fluid. Anyone else got a suggestive liquid they’d like to declare?

4:36 AM
The camera pans over to the team, and for one majestical moment, we get to see Mark’s pearly white teeth. I think we may need protective goggles to look at those choppers.

4:38 AM
Wah wah wah. Jennifer M: “So bear with us as we take you through the incredible adventure of Zenthura!”

4:38 AM
Jennifer: “Zenthura is all about transition.”

4:39 AM
Well, at least everyone’s having a good time with this. Carolyn, Bill, the execs, Favreau — they’re all laughing at Jen, and here she goes again: “We wanted to have not only the house and the boys, but the game itself, Zenthura!”

4:41 AM
Jen again! “And we wanted to show your name Zenthura very large.” IT’S WRITTEN BEHIND YOU! ZATHURA!!!

4:42 AM
Jen: “We are in love with our Zenthura float.” Too bad there’s NO SUCH MOVIE.

4:44 AM
What’s this?? Trump walks out of his office and says to a fresh, young, ingenue: “Georgette, I’m going over to Sony.” Georgette? Grrrrrowl!

4:46 AM
Favreau and the exec like the guys… Hmmm, before I even get to the madness of what’s to come, I’m just going to pause this liveblog and get some shuteye…

10:07 PM
So much for getting this up by Friday morning. An unexpected lunch with the big wigs at my work meant that my normal recapping time was spent noshing on fries instead of typing at the ‘Gasm offices.

10:09 PM
Brian wins exemption. And also we learn the float will appear in the Hollywood Halloween Parade, also known as the most god awful parade in the history of parades. Still, I might have to sneak out there just to take a snapshot of this legendary Zathura float.

10:11 PM
Oooookay. Excel’s prize? Heading to a music studio to write music with Wyclef Jean. This has disaster written all over it. Did Wyclef Jean wake up one day and realize, “Gosh, the Black Eyed Peas have really cornered the market on whoring themselves out. There’s got to be a way to trump them. Trump! Ah hah! To the Wyclef-mobile!”

10:13 PM
Trump says, “I’m a little impressed, Brian.” Emphasis on “little.” Zing! Another height cheap shot!

10:15 PM
And commence awkward whiteness… now. The guys meet Wyclef, and we learn they’ll be writing a song called “The Rubble Man.” Brian is apparently Rubble — the brain child of that HILARious Josh. Oh, and it gets better. Brian is Rubble because like Barney Rubble, he has no indent in the back of his head. Oh, that Hannah Barbara comedy kills every time, Josh.

10:18 PM
Wyclef has all the guys play a musical instrument. But will Adam sing?? I still can’t get his last ditty out of my head: “Delicious wishes…”

10:19 PM
Every frame of this scene is reality gold. Markus just yelled “YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?” as if he were a rapper. Because clearly he isn’t.

10:20 PM
Adam, or as I like to call him — Vanilla Usher — lets loose with the R&B: “Ladies, if you see us in the club FREAKIN’, join us. It’s Rubble time!” This is followed by the other men singing some baritone, Viking-esque note. But nothing compares to wee Brian as he lets loose his skillz: “I’m a medium pimp / got girls around the world / in the club / watching girls twirl.” If you’re going to sound lame, at least use some semblance of iambic meter. Sheesh.

10:24 PM
I never thought The Apprentice could top the Tana/Lil’ Jon episode, but then again, I clearly underestimated the power of white guys rapping. I firmly believe this reward was conceived purely to recreate that Tana magic. And oh, how they’ve succeeded. I mean, Brian just did a back flip. And here comes Adam again with his signature line, “FREAKIN’!”

10:28 PM
Back in the suite, Jennifer complains about Kristi. Wow, she’s really FREAKIN’! Anyway, she says that right before the presentation, Kristi said to her, “Jennifer, don’t screw it up, don’t miss it, don’t miss the point.” Which is exactly what Jennifer did. Probably would have been better off simply whispering, “ZATHURA.”

10:31 PM
Okay. Boardroom time. Hey, way to give Rebecca a helping hand. The poor girl literally hops from the elevator to the Boardroom. C’mon Robin. Get off your lazy ass!

10:32 PM
Meeeow! Out of the gate, Jennifer begins the Kristi bashing, and Alla even comes to her defense. Sort of. Oh, and Carolyn is furious. She’s yelling more than Trump. “And the scale! It was awful!” Carolyn HATES bad perspective!!

10:35 PM
Did Trump just call Marshawn “Marsha”? That’s like calling Zathura, “Zenthura.”

10:36 PM
Remember what I said about Marshawn a few weeks ago? She’s a killer in the boardroom, and she’s got Kristi in her crosshairs!

10:37 PM
When Kristi gets mad, she sort of sounds like a little dog. And there’s Bill Rancic: smiling, looking goofy, offering nothing whatsoever.

10:37 PM
Oh, the old intimidation game. Kristi says, “You know what? Maybe you’re intimidated.” Jennifer responds, “I am not intimidated by you. You’re intimidated by me, Kristi.” I know you are, but what am I?

10:39 PM
Trump tells Jennifer to bring two people back with her. The rest of the ladies “are gonna go to this magnificent suite in the sky, on 57th and 5th. The famous Trump Tower.” He then adds, “When he’s in town, God stays there.”

10:41 PM
Jennifer brings back Kristi and that’s it. I hate this trend. Meanwhile, Bill Rancic smiles quietly in the corner. Could he be any more worthless?

10:44 PM
Trump says, “You two don’t like each other, do you?” That would be an understatement. Kristi says that Jennifer isn’t a straight shooter. Yeah, like that time when she directly told you how you were being perceived by the team, that was totally devious.

10:47 PM
Jennifer looks like she’s about to lose it right there in the Boardroom. Cry! CRY!

10:48 PM
Oooh. Kristi gets Za-Fired, and it’s because she spent her whole time on the defensive. You know, all she needed to do was say one thing to get Jennifer fired: ZATHURA. Literally.

10:50 PM
As the girls head out, Jennifer offers an olive branch. “I’m sorry,” she says, causing Kristi to snap back, “SHUT UP! I don’t even want to hear it, Jen.”

10:53 PM
“There’s no doubt about it. I’m just going to have to make some drastic changes to this team. This team is not working,” Trump says afterwards. Hey, isn’t that exactly what Martha Stewart said on her Apprentice when Matchstick lost, even after taking on a Primarius woman? So the student becomes the teacher…

10:55 PM
Oh, a nice little bonus treat. NBC plays “The Rubble Man” one last time as Jennifer returns to the suite. Doesn’t really make sense, but we welcome it anyway.

10:57 PM
HOLY SHIT. Next week looks like the best Apprentice EVER. Carolyn’s in charge, but The Donald’s still there and he’s piiisssed! Eyes rolling back into my head. And with that, the not-so-liveblog comes to an end. Fun times, people. Fun times.