A Stain On All Of Humanity

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart

By sg-dub | Monday, November 7, 2005 | 11:10 pm | 30 Comments

martha11-02-05a I’ve now determined the reason that Apprentice: Martha Stewart is tanking is because they’ve marketed it all wrong. NBC trumped (ahem) up Martha’s social status and perfectionist ways; instead, they should have simply gone all FOX on the show and lured viewers in with promises of adults acting like complete and total jackasses. (Well, to be honest, since I have two dual input TiVos at the compound, I haven’t really seen a commercial in about 2 years, so maybe they are.)

But judging from the ratings, I doubt it. That’s not to say the show is all that good – in fact, it’s getting worse each week in many ways. But, I’d bet if they went with more of a “Man vs. Beast 2″ vibe and less of a self-important feel, the show would be doing better. (God, I still can’t believe that camel beat the dwarves in that running race!) And this week, the episode featured such indescribable buffoonery, I’m not even sure I can accurately explain it.Fortunately, TVgasm is so totally kickass we can just show you the clip, saving me the effort. But we’ll get to that nonsense later. First, we must deal with “Mark Burnett ominous foreshadowing moment # 1.” After Marcella triumphantly returned from the last conference room session by the skin of her cute little Chiclet teeth, Sarah and Carrie of Team Primarius were shown kissing each other’s asses. “You’re the best!” “No, YOU’RE the bestest.” “No, YOU’RE the bestest times a googol!” Carrie promised Sarah to back her up 100% in her role this week as Project Manager and the two of them predicted victory no matter the task. Thanks for telling us who would lose this week in the first 2 minutes, Burnett. Thanks a lot.

The next morning the phone rang and Leslie again won the coveted title of “Ace Phone Answerer” for the day. I swear these people actually race to (and care about) who gets to talk to LimeyJulia every task. It turns out that Martha AGAIN couldn’t join the teams to spell out the challenge as she was “riding in a car headed to a meeting.” It was with that hot new company called “Parole Board,” no doubt. You may have heard of them.

In lieu of Martha, the teams met with Peter Arnell and his creative team of DINK hipsters. They are advertising geniuses (or something) who would be judging the teams on their ability to create an inventive marketing campaign for a new product called Tide to Go. They would have a 24-foot flatbed “living billboard” with a stage to take to the streets of Manhattan, and would be given an art director and illustrator. The best campaign, which created the most positive buzz, would win.

Simple, right? Create a character, design a catchy look, act out a simple little skit that shows off the product, done. Wellllll, not on this show. The show that has brought us asymmetrical wedding cakes, empty “finished” hotel rooms, an evil retelling of Hansel and Gretel, and a salad dressing campaign based on its ability wash children’s hair. On THIS show, one team (Primarius) had major difficulties coming up with an idea.

Reminiscent of the W hotel challenge, they “brainstormed” for hours on end and came up with nothing. Hey Jimbo, aren’t you an “advertising exec”? Couldn’t you come up with something? Sarah threw out the idea of “Acrobats.” Bethenny dreamt up “Coffee to go.” More time passed. To Jim’s credit, he kept having to remind his fellow morons that the product was a stain removing stick from Tide and that perhaps acrobats passing out free coffee doesn’t exactly get that notion across. At this point, I enjoyed the background bassoon solo which, as we all know, is the universal soundtrack of “Stupid people with stupid ideas doing stupid things.” Hell, even the name “bassoon” sounds silly. A baboon on a bassoon at noon in a monsoon. Heh heh, that IS pretty funny. Well, except for the whole “monsoon” part.

Juxtaposing the idiocy of Primairheadius, Martha dropped some knowledge on us regarding her highly successful branding. “I am a well know brand. My name stands for quality.” She continued, “So much so that the Cartier of the cheap shit sector, Sears, recently bought Kmart, which sold my quality items. So, when fluffing my duvets, be sure to wear your Toughskins!” Meanwhile, Team Matchstick was also brainstorming with similar results. In an especially inspired moment of brilliance, Ryan blurted out, “We can build a big blouse with giant tits.” I didn’t get it either, but somehow he got away with saying that in front of his all-female team. That’s the first real-world business lesson we’ve gleaned from this show; you can get away with a higher degree of offensive idiocy when you are attractive. Yay Ryan!

Just because

After getting his odd breast fixation off his, ahem, chest, Ryan spouted something about creating a boxing ring in which a “Tide Guy” fights off and beats up “Stains.” His fellow Matchstickers were immediately taken with the idea, and immediately thought up the marketing hook; “Tide To Go Joe.” At that point, the only reality show character with less personality than Survivor’s Immunity Idol, Alexis Stewart, appeared and muttered, “I was going to come in and then said ‘noooooo.’” The woman speaks one line in two full shows and it is a nonsensical and sheepish non sequitur. Yay nepotism!

Over at the Primeariver camp, the gang was still fruitlessly brainstorming. The editors helpfully showed us a ticking clock in an effort to show us that time was a-wasting. (Gosh, if only I had that visual during the five days I sat on this recap, eh?) Jim the ad exec tried to keep his team on point, constantly reminding them that in order to promote the product, they would have to show the product. Such simple logical lessons were apparently difficult to convey to this crew. In desperation, Project Manager Sarah sent Howie and Bethenny out to a prop shop to “get ideas.” My word.

“I gotta give this place props,” guffawed Howie. Heh-heh, good one, but it’s not like he could come up with a viable idea there, could he? “Hey, look at these boxing gloves… How about creating a boxing ring in which a ‘Tide Guy’ fights off and beats up ‘Stains’?” Hmmm, yeah, how about that, Project Manager Sarah? Howie called her and proposed his synchronous brilliant idea. Sarah, being Carrie’s pathetic lapdog, asked her master who simply wrinkled her nose and said, “No.” Not that she had any other ideas, mind you, but that one simply didn’t appeal to her.

martha11-02-05d Meanwhile, Team Matchstickitinyourear had already designed and developed the orange Lycra bodysuit for Ryan to beat up stains in. He slipped it on and came alive as “Tide To Go Joe,” prancing and twirling about. “Wheeeeeeee! I’m freeeeeee!” Think Slim Goodbody without all the innards and stuff. And gayer.

The next morning, the Primareyeores still had no viable concept. So Sarah, taking control of her project, finally brought her troops together and declared, “Ok, our concept is ‘On the go.’ We’ll have jugglers ‘going’ and dancers and an overall ‘Action’ theme. ‘Come on in and see the To Go Stain Pen!” Needless to say everyone was rather underwhelmed – everyone other than Queen Carrie who just loooooved whatever Sarah came up with. Those two had their noses up each other’s butts to such a degree, they called to mind that MC Escher drawing with the lizards.

Alright, so here’s the deal. Ryan’s “Tide To Go Joe” boxing match idea went off pretty well. It was exciting, sold the product well, and was actually something I wouldn’t be surprised to see near Times Square. And then there was Primarius…

What can I say about their performance? I’ve been watching various reality TV shows since the dawn of the genre. My head is swimming with over-the-top embarrassing moments from the years; I’m racking my brain trying to come up with a comparative previous event. I can’t. Watching Jim and Bethenny act like monkeys while scaring New Yorkers was unparalleled as far as I’m concerned. Not only that, their oft repeated slogan, “It’s time for Tide to go” isn’t even a positive message. Cripes, the Naked Cowboy was laughing at them.

I can’t really do the whole scene any justice by writing about it… So here, enjoy:

Click on Bethenny to watch the video

Needless to say, Matchstick won. But I’ll give that Peter Arnell guy some credit – he was actually rather Trumpish in his dismissal of the annoying mess you just watched above: “I was totally underwhelmed. That was the most pathetic display I’ve ever seen. It was actually damaging to the product and was a complete waste of my time.” Nice.

So far, the rewards on Martha’s show have been shitty to say the least. If they were “rewards” at all, they almost always have involved some sort of work. This week, however, the winners would enjoy breakfast with Martha at her Bedford estate! Um… yay? Well, apparently I’m the weird one for being unexcited about that prize. Dawna effused, “I’m overwhelmed!” Now, if Martha was splayed out nude on the table with breakfast items artfully placed on her naughty bits, then I’d be overwhelmed. (A la Adrienne Curry in Surreal Life 4, of course.) As it was, the team simply ate a fancy breakfast in Martha’s garden. It was, however, not without its strange moments.

At one point, towards the end, Martha asked Marcella for a piece of her sugarbun. I immediately began singing Sheena Easton’s “Come inside my sugar walls,” and thought about “not getting none if you ain’t got buns, hun,” but alas, Martha’s request was not so exciting. The billionairess, with a full staff and full pantry, actually asked little Marcella for a bite of her table scraps. Marcella reflected later, “It was UN-believable. I needed to pinch myself.” Oh, senorita, something tells me if Martha wants a piece of your sugarbun, she’ll give you all the pinching you need.

Can you smell what the Howie is cookin?

As Primaryshortbus entered the conference room, it was fairly evident that Sarah was on the hotseat. After all, she was ultimately responsible for the whole mess. And to be fair, as much as I can’t stand Jim, he did try his simian heart out and did try to steer the team correctly early on in the task. In fact, the whole concept was SO bad, it woke Alexis from her coma long enough to utter one sentence! “There was no concept.” Bravo, Alexis, bravo… Now back to sleep with you.

Charles actually ran the proceedings, it seemed, as Martha was too stunned to speak much. When she did, it was stilted and strange. Regarding the final product, Martha said, “You made something really, really, really, really unbeautiful.” Geeze, give the woman an extra sugarbun and she begins talking like Jim. Jim’s constant use of “like” every time he came to a pause, a comma, an ellipse, a hyphen, or a period is getting to be that I sometimes think I’m watching Laguna Beach rather than The Apprentice.

In the end, Martha rightfully called the whole team back in to the conference room but sent Jim and Howie up to the loft almost immediately. Carrie was derided for essentially doing nothing each week, other than “keeping the books.” This was chided by Charles and Martha, because all that meant was writing about six numbers on some notebook paper with a few minus signs. Sarah, clearly grasping at straws, tried to blame Howie (of all people) for the team’s collapse which brought on Bethenny’s considerable ire. She called Sarah a liar but really, there was no need for such theatrics. In fact, Martha had already decided it was time for Sarah to go home.

But wait… Not just Sarah, but Carrie as well! The double firing was absolutely justified, as Carrie was complicit in every one of Sarah’s incompetent moves. The two dotards left the show, hand in hand, as Martha wrote them each a patronizing letter – playing up that they are both “attractive” and because of that, they “will be successful.”

See, and you thought I was lying back when I said that was the lesson to take away from the show.

Comments (30)
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30 Comments

1

Fuzzbait

Posted November 8, 2005 at 1:09 am

I have questions–in the video, what were those two people doing–the ones where one was on top of the other’s head? Is that legal in public? How is he holding him up in the air? I HONESTLY THINK I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE! Listening to Bai Ling sing should make me feel bettah….
2

SeangSTM

Posted November 8, 2005 at 4:12 am

Hmm…I would comment on this, but it was a FRIGGIN’ WEEK AGO! Kudos on getting it up before the NEXT episode. I mean, I know you guys are NEVER on time. I accept that, but I was fired up about this episode on Thursday and Friday…now it’s like, “Who cares?”
3

Laska

Posted November 8, 2005 at 5:06 am

Primarius sounded like they were heading a protest against Tide.
4

RealityTV4Me

Posted November 8, 2005 at 5:49 am

Seang – Get your own website and update it yourself. These people have real lives and are not here to provide you instant entertainment.

TVgasm is great! I love you guys.
5

Jess

Posted November 8, 2005 at 6:05 am

Guess what I bought at Target this weekend?

Yep!
6

The Dogg Pound

Posted November 8, 2005 at 6:18 am

Peter Arnell must be the love child of Moby and Stanford Blatch. And how pretentious of Martha was it that she kept calling Peter by his full name? And why the hell when he came to the breakfast the next day did he cover Martha’s eyes and make her guess who it was. After all, he told her the previous day that he would drop by. Jeez.

After some thinking, I’ve realized that in terms of money earned per word spoken on TV, Alexis is now a close second to Vanna White.

The Primarius presentation was downright hilarious. I loved Jim’s Flavor Flav impersonation, but he should have tossed in a few “Yeah, boy” comments to keep it real.
7

Casey

Posted November 8, 2005 at 6:34 am

Genius. All of it! (I am talking about your recap, not the show). Especially the line, “Those two had their noses up each other’s butts to such a degree, they called to mind that MC Escher drawing with the lizards.”

To the naysayer out there, the wait for an update is worth it, because it builds up the anticipation of another brilliant recap. So there.
8

Meesh

Posted November 8, 2005 at 6:39 am

Laska – Exactly!!

What a ridiculous display.

I’m glad they are doing mass ejections on both Apprenti this season. Get rid of the riff raff. Sadly I can’t think of one person on either show that I would want to work with, let alone work for me.
9

chronic

Posted November 8, 2005 at 7:37 am

Not only was Jim on point, and productive, he wasn’t anything like his usual bombastic annoying self I’ve come to loathe. I’m confused.

But yeah, the Mark Burnett foreshadowing was so heavy-handed this week, you can hardly believe they even said that sh*t in the first place.

Sugar Walls. Sheena Easton, no?
10

chronic

Posted November 8, 2005 at 7:42 am

I don’t get that screencap of Howie. Is there a snarky caption missing?
11

sg-dub

Posted November 8, 2005 at 7:49 am

chronic –

Yes, Sheena Easton. I made a mental note to look that up but obviously forgot. (It’s fixed now.)

As for the Howie caption, don’t worry about it. It’s a wrasslin’ thing.
12

chronic

Posted November 8, 2005 at 8:01 am

Ah cool. Thanks!

I’m a latecomer to this show, and I’m sure this must’ve been discussed, but how do they let Charles do all that obscene and frankly disturbing stuff to his unlit cigar on primetime network tv.
13

Shoe-In

Posted November 8, 2005 at 8:03 am

This show continues to bore me week after week, and yet, I keep watching for some reason. I often wonder if these candidates think their 15 minutes of fame from being on this show is a tradeoff to the “prize” of someone actually working as one of Martha’s underlings.

If you watch her daytime talk show, you see a lot more of the “real” Martha than you do here. She was cooking with Carnie Wilson last week and berating the woman for not cutting a pomegranite correctly. Scary stuff.
14

copygodd

Posted November 8, 2005 at 8:32 am

any recap that throws a shout-out to both toughskins and the rock is a recap worth waiting for.

gimme a hell yeah!
15

mariana

Posted November 8, 2005 at 9:03 am

isn’t “come inside my sugar walls” a sheena easton song?yes..i am a child of the 80′s.
16

Melisa

Posted November 8, 2005 at 9:03 am

As excited as I was to read this recap and saddened every day that it was not posted. I’m grateful that it was posted at all. Thanks sg-dub, great reacap. On another note, did anyone notice that it appeared that Martha kept the winners outside the whole time a brunch? I wonder what she has to hide? Maybe they just didn’t show that part but you would think she would want to have more than the usual people ooohhing and awwwing over her things and accomplishments.
17

blahblahblah

Posted November 8, 2005 at 9:09 am

You know, as much as I try, I can never understand those “Primarius” name variations that are always joked about. Perhaps the recap would be more fruitful and “efficient” if they were left out.

I mean… seriously…

What?
18

Smitty

Posted November 8, 2005 at 9:39 am

I personally enjoyed Carrie and Sarah holding hands in slow motion during their exit video. I really was hoping they would make out in the cab on the way home.
19

Amber

Posted November 8, 2005 at 10:34 am

Just an idle observation based on the last photo; Why do so many of these women on reality shows have such a major forehead wrinkling problem?

Seriously, what is up with that? I am a woman and I’m friends/family with lots of other women and NOBODY wrinkles their forehead up so dramatically as these reality TV women do.

Does it help them think up lame promotions better or what?
20

usnrnpage

Posted November 8, 2005 at 11:49 am

Jess, your comment cracked me up.
And I could not agree more with Laska.

With all of this supposed creativity and intellect. To come up with an ad campaign that could easily be topped by any high school DECCA class.

Another one of those Apprentice WTF moments.

Off topic, but does anyone know when the new season of Project Runway airs? I could not find the air date on BRAVO’s website.
21

sg-dub

Posted November 8, 2005 at 11:54 am

usnrnpage –

Project Runway 2 premieres Wednesday 12/7. How do I know? Cause I’m recapping it.

You are eezer EEN, or you are UUT!
22

Bobbie

Posted November 8, 2005 at 1:48 pm

Here’s your “hell yeah!” copygodd.

And do away with the corruptions of the name? blahblahblah, are you on crack?

Finally, I heard the two twits have announced that they have gone into business together since being offed. Oh, there’s an empire in the making…
23

bdos88

Posted November 8, 2005 at 5:00 pm

IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m starting to warm to Alexis Stewart. Her complete and utter disregard for what makes good television is refreshing. This woman makes absolutely no attempt to hide the fact that she is miserable on this show (and possibly in her life). That has got to count for something, right? With all the fake smiles and laughs in this world she stands out as a beacon of misery. Where else on tv can you see someone so consistently droopy doggish? Am I alone in by burgeoning affection for Alexis Stewart? Anyone? Anyone? (crickets) Great recap as always.

PS – the only thing that could have possibly made the Tide-To-Go rap any more wonderful/hideous was if special guest-vocalist Bai Ling had joined the group. Sg-dub, I think Chronic is referring to the caption-less pic of Howie sitting on the city, not the Rock one.
24

Tide To Go Joe

Posted November 8, 2005 at 8:11 pm

How can Arnell say he was completely underwhelmed? I spent the entire night singing “It’s time for Tide to Go” and doing the Jim dance. In fact, the song is still in my head. Isn’t that good marketing?
25

Taradash

Posted November 9, 2005 at 7:11 am

I have to back up SeangSTM

this is late and NOW WHO CARES
26

phakir

Posted November 9, 2005 at 7:32 am

^taradash, it looks like you cared enough to post your worthless comment a full two days after the article was on the blog.

I’m fairly certain that this is a blog, written by some college friends, who make no money doing it. As such, I’m fairly certain they all have “real” jobs and lives and families and things like that. I just dont’ understand the hostility that has crept onto this once friendly site.

WTF is wrong with everyone all of the sudden?
27

Taradash

Posted November 9, 2005 at 7:52 am

Phakir

youre totally right sorry

xxOO
28

RK

Posted November 9, 2005 at 10:54 am

Oh. My. Godyouarefunny sg-dub.
And ‘blahblahblah’, the funky suffixes added to the team names ARE hilarious just BECAUSE they are. To explain them is to explain away the snarky magic.

I agree with Bdos88 that Alexis and her silence is too too funny. I mean, how could you not be silent with Martha by your side, ready to explain why she is the best and the bestest and can prune bushes and talk on the phone AND research how to get her ankle bracelet off all at the same time. But I love SG-Dubs comments about her mute-ness. ON THE MONEY funny. More fans of the quiet one on this site:

http://femiknitmafia.blogspot.com/

http://femiknitmafia.blogspot.com/2005/10/alexis-be-mine.html
29

cvillafl

Posted November 9, 2005 at 1:13 pm

Man, Jim really did act like a monkey. My apologies to all the monkeys out there. My two favorite parts were the guy walking down the street with his fingers in his ears, and the father who had to comfort his child from all the bad Tide singing. As for Martha not letting anyone into her home, she’s probably hiding someone in the basement–a la “Desperate Housewives.” Mommy lets Alexis out only for her few sentences on the show…
30

Sarah

Posted November 9, 2005 at 11:34 pm

Good recap, thank you for the laughs!

I LOATHED Jim the first two or three episodes! All I could say was that he was some bipolar crackhead, and it was just a matter of time before we’d see the lows. As time has gone by, though, I realize that he provides what little entertainment value is to be gleaned from this show.

To his credit, regarding the Tide to Go episode, if you go to the official Apprentice website and watch the deleted scene about the brainstorming session for the campaign, you’ll see that Jim had some really amazing ideas, such as “Run Spot, Run”. Those idiots that perpetuate the dumb blonde stereotype ignored all that was offered, and waited until the 11th hour was nearly up and still had nothing, whereas they could’ve just opted for one of Jim’s good ideas. They were just too arrogant; it seemed that their attitude was that they wouldn’t deserve any credit if the idea used wasn’t theirs.

One of the reasons I’m coming around to Jim is that he works his ass off on each task. I thought he was hilarious on that float. He knew it was a disaster and yet he was willing to give it his all.

Poor Bethenny, though. She really looked pitiful, bless her heart.