Guess What’s Coming To Dinner

Pssst, hey! Martha Stewart Apprentice fans! The show is still on and I’m still recapping it. I just think it’s funny that a week has gone by and there’s barely been a peep about the missing recap. Yeah, I take that somewhat personally, but I’ll survive. Truth be told, I watched this show when it was on (a week ago now) and I can’t even remember if it was a good episode or not. I do remember it was hyped as another “Jim gone wild” show, but in reality he was more normal than ever. In fact, as each week goes by, he seems to get more and more normal – if not conniving. Perhaps he really has this whole thing figured out? Perhaps he’s been right all along? Nah, perhaps everyone else on the show is just dumb.There were only six candidates left at the beginning of the show – Marcela, Leslie, and Ryan on Team Matchstick and Jim, Bethenny, and Dawna on Team Primarius. aMANda was just given the hook in the last conference room when we joined Jim discussing things over with Dawna.

Jim is still stuck on the whole reality show strategy thing of The Apprentice rather than the job interview process we’re supposed to pretend it is. (Y’know, that kind of job interview that takes several months, goes to several locations, depends on the efficacy of other people, and is filmed 24-7… Yeah, that kind of job interview.) To Jim’s credit (and remember I do hate the man), he’s cut through that fluff and is simply trying to “Win the game.” But Dawna wasn’t having it.

Awww, ain’t she sweet? The last of the true idealists on reality TV. She merely wanted to keep plugging along, and win out against the “best competition possible.” Yes, Virginia, there really is a Reality Claus!

Jim went on to explain his tactics – culled straight from Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.” “Everyone observes the victory, but no one observes the strategy.” That may have been true in the 5th century BC, but in 21st century reality television, I don’t think that’s the case. And besides, Jim, your platitudes notwithstanding, you’re still on this show to act like a jackass, not to wow us with your Bazooka Joe witticisms. So start acting like an idiot already! The show is almost 3 minutes old!

After Dawna enjoyed the biggest bowl of magical cereal/salad I’ve ever witnessed (see pics above), a triumphant little Marcela bounded through the door fresh from the conference room. In case we forgot about Marcela’s humble Mexican background, the show’s editors grabbed some Tijuana Brass for the background music of her little scene. Ole! Upon her appearance, someone said, “Jim is a mastermind of strategy.” Oh, wait. That was Jim speaking – so just in case I was beginning to respect him, he made sure I hated him all over again. Sg-dub thanks Jim!

Martha called the loft and instructed everyone to meet with her at her Turkey Hill estate to learn about the next challenge. They edited out the scenes where I’m sure someone complained about Martha’s house arrest and how ridiculous it is that they had to drive up to the burbs from Manhattan to film 5 minutes with some GM marketing executives. Alas, someone said that her house was “Paradise,” and they all seemed overly excited at the sound of every word from Martha’s mouth.

Or perhaps they were just excited to have Velma from “Scooby Doo” there repping General Motors, I don’t know. Each team of three would be given $65,000 (Damn!) to design and create a marketing launch and display for the new Buick Lucerne to be set up in a car dealership in New Jersey. The “Buick Lucerne?” As if any Swiss person would be caught dead in a Buick. Charles (who was also unnecessarily there) quipped, “Start your engines,” and off they went designing. And, of course, the zombie Alexis was there and said not a word. AleXUCKS!

The Matchstickers put their feeble heads together and once again Ryan was the one who came up with most of the ideas. Editing? Sure, but until proven otherwise, he certainly seems like the man with the plan. Too bad Project Manager Leslie didn’t like his plans this time around; which were to show the Lucerne driving up to a 5-star restaurant and “eating” at the ritzy table to show how classy and important the car is. Call me crazy, but that could just work if done right.

The Primarymarywhyyoubuggins, led by Dawna this time around, were dreaming up some simpler design ideas. Jim is an advertising executive, so once again he seemed to be in his element. Unfortunately, Jim being Jim, he had to crawl around on the floor a bit and act like a freshman drama student challenged to act as a predacious cat for absolutely no reason, but whatever. The phrase, “Driven by elegance” came from nowhere and that was pretty much their theme.

Martha gave another of her contradictory nuggets of wisdom; “If you have a strong idea, go with it.” Right. Unless you are not the PM and the PM disagrees with you, then you must follow the PM, unless the PM is someone else in which case you should disagree with the PM, that is, unless the PM is a person whom you don’t really get alone with because then you should be more agreeable lest one thinks you are difficult to work with unless, on the other hand, the PM has a terrible idea then you should disagree with them somehow. I think Sun Tzu said that as well. Actually, last week Martha’s reason for firing the person in the end was in direct conflict with Trump’s reason for firing his two candidates. Such is “The Apprentice” I suppose.

Ryan filmed some scenes of his Lucerne approaching the restaurant and “getting seated,” which was looking cheesier by the minute. Jim, fresh from a battle between his lower lip and Gillette razor, began to engage in another fight – this time with Bethenny, his old nemesis and friend. (By the way, is there more of a butterface on TV right now besides Bethenny? Maybe Sandra Oh on “Grey’s Anatomy?”) Unbelievably, these two idiots felt that their childish bickering was fine to do in front of the GM design team they were working with. Then again, since they had $65K to throw around, I guess they could shut the GM guys up with some cash on the side.

Meanwhile, Leslie was busy editing and changing Ryan’s whole “vision.” She was never sold on the whole, “The car is part of the family” thing, so she chopped up te video set-up and took it out of the multimedia presentation. But, and this is a big “but,” she went ahead with designing the showroom as though the car was at a dining room or restaurant table. Sure, that’ll fly. As the deadline approached, it became evident that Leslie was not up to the task. She was hesitant with all her decisions, and wishy washy at best. Sure, she looks exactly like the mighty Darlene from “Wickedly Perfect,” but I watched Darlene – and Leslie… you’re no Darlene.

The morning of the judging, Jim and Bethenny sweated out the wait for the builders who were late. Jim filled the time by explaining further to Bethenny that if they fail, Dawna would be sent home. If they succeeded, they all win – a perfect situation. So they really didn’t even care if the builders showed up or not. Think about that – why would anyone, let alone a perfectionist like Martha, want to hire someone with that mindset? In fact, if I was his boss today, I’d certainly be rethinking his employment status. I’d also be rethinking my own competence for hiring such a deuchebag in the first place.

When the moment of judgment came, Velma and her GM buddies arrived with Alexis and George, who looked as though he just came from the community production of “The Music Man.” Hey George! Your name starts with G and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool and Jim’s a fool and he’s nothin’ but trouble and that starts with T and Alexis is a mute. I still need to work on that last litle bit, I know.

Dawna’s Team Primarykateandashley did well – their display was simple and understated and had a contemporary museum feel to it. Although it probably only cost maybe ten grand to put together, it conveyed the feeling that the Lucerne was a classy, yet accessible automobile. Then it was time to judge the Matchstick clan’s display. Once again, Mark Burnett put his stamp on this episode with the soundtrack: Tympani and bassoon = buffoonery and/or incompetence! Every. Single. Time. In fact, the music this time even included a swizzle stick type percussion sound (Mose called, he wants his idiot stick back) so we knew their display was going to really, really suck.

And indeed it did. There was the Lucerne, just sitting there next to a giant 8′ x 8′ block with some flowers and plates on it. Huh? What five star restaurant has tables the size of a small bedroom? Why not have several little cafe type tables and perhaps a strolling accordion playing mime? Trust me, as much as we all hate mimes, it would have been an improvement. Leslie stumbled through her piss-poor description of their concept which elicited a David Spade-ish, “Ooookaaaaay” from Velma, the GM Marketing lady. Perhaps the video presentation would tie it all together somehow.

Um… No. Leslie chopped it up to such an absurdist degree that even Fellini would have said it made no sense. The whole back story of why the car was pulled up to the gigantor restaurant table was gone. This one was a no-brainer. The GM folks dialed up Martha who, like Trump, was speaking to them from her private jet (Yeah, right.) The “clear winner” was Primarigetonthebus,Gus. In fact, GM liked their design SO much, they made the incredibly rash decision of saying that they’d build Primarius’ display in 2700 Buick dealerships across the nation. Gee, why is GM in the shitter again? Massive, expensive decisions made on a whim? Just sayin.’

The prize was dinner at the Four Seasons with the President/CEO of MSO (Martha Stewart Omnimedia) and Charles Koppelman and his security blanket cigar. The CEO is a woman named Susan Line who, in a weird twist of fate, looks to have had enough Botox and plastic surgery to eliminate all the lines from her face. But Jim was the one who made the biggest impression – he hemmed and hawed about his “strategy” and how he was the “supervillain.” Suuuuurrre, that goes over well during job interviews. Let that be a lesson to you, dear readers… Next time you are trying to impress a prospective employer, tell them you are a conniving dick. Just tell them Jim sent you.

46 minutes into the episode, Alexis spoke for the first time.

In an effort to get her daughter to speak up a bit more, Martha asked her, “What was Matchstick’s concept?” Now, why she wouldn’t have asked, um, MATCHSTICK themselves is beyond me but what do I know? Ryan immediately spoke over Alexis’ non answer and explained how his cool video had been ruined by Leslie. This was when Martha yelled at Ryan for not making the project manager use his ideas to a fuller extent. This is also when I yelled at my television because this criticism of Ryan flies in the face of previous Martha criticisms. The three of them bickered for a while longer, culminating in Leslie defending herself against her teammates’ accusations that she was the weakest link: “My record speaks for itself!”

Thank goodness for Charles who retorted, “But you’re 0 for 2!” Touché my good man, touché. The three were sent out to see LimeyJulia for a moment and then called right back in. Martha had come to her decision fairly quickly. She blasted poor little Marcela for “slouching in [her] chair,” and let Ryan off rather softly. This meant, of course, that Leslie “just didn’t fit in,” and she was sent home to the land of red headed WASPY Mexicans, wherever than may be.

I’ve been ignoring Martha’s show-ending tradition of writing the deposed candidate a pithy little letter for several weeks now. However, this week, she spiced it up a bit adding, “PS. Alexis sends her best too.” Hmmmm, why is that? Why didn’t Alexis send her best to anyone else? I demand an investigation.

And lastly, upon returning to the loft, I noted the elevator boy was wearing capris this week. Oh, elevator boy, when will you get your just props for being so fashion forward? This week’s recap (tonight’s show) will come quicker, I promise. I don’t want to make Marcela sad.

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