Red Dawna: WOLVERINES!!

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart

By sg-dub | Thursday, December 22, 2005 | 8:59 pm | 31 Comments

Don’t hurt your head trying to find some deeper meaning hidden in the title. There is none. Basically, I jump at any chance I get to reference Patrick Swayze movies – especially totally awesome ones. So… The Apprentice: Martha Stewart… Dawna won. Can I go home now?

Actually, that seems to be just what Alexis, Martha, and Charles were thinking throughout the live portions of the finale. It was all so stilted and odd to me – but then again I don’t watch Martha’s talk show, so I don’t know how she is within that context at all – but if she’s anything like she was on her primetime show, I’d expect her talkshow to be canceled any day now as well. The three hosts arrived at the studio together and – Hey now! Alexis got a makeover! Instead of looking like a butch lesbian, she now looks like a pretty dude dressed up like a butch lesbian for Halloween. Baby steps. But Martha caught my eye more with her shimmery black swishy pants. If she was fat, I’d have called her pants, “The night sky,” but alas, she’s not. Instead she looked like she was wearing garbage bags. And I’ll save her weird eyelids for later on in the recap.The producers smartly filled up 90% of the hour with taped footage – I wasn’t sure how many times I could take Martha saying the word, “finale” like, “fin-ahhhh-lee.” Instead, we got to see how the final challenges played out. Dawna was to produce a Liz Claiborne fashion show and Bethenny had to organize a circus of some sort at CroBar. Both raised money for some very worthwhile charities, which is always nice. The show did a very poor job of showing us just what the two Project Managers did throughout the whole challenge. Now that I think about it, I have no idea what Dawna did on her own task and forget about Bethenny. I didn’t really catch what anyone on her team did, let alone her.

Some would say that’s the mark of a good project manager – and I wouldn’t necessarily disagree. But it appeared that Amanda pretty much organized the entire fashion show. She picked the 40 outfits, wrote up the descriptions, and met with the exec from the company. Never once did I see Dawna even talk to the Liz Claiborne lady. This was probably a good thing because Linda Greenblatt was quite a biatch. I’m guessing the show told both she and the fat guy from the circus to, “Be mean, be aggressive, create some faux adversity,” but only one of them heeded the advice. (The fat circus guy seemed too preoccupied with the endless free Pringles and apple juice provided by the sponsors. In fact, all he said during the entire show was, I think, “There’s pizza and soda and stuff over there!”)

However when Amanda said, “Liz ClaiBURN,” Linda Greenblatt lashed out at her, “It’s Liz ClaiBORNE! She continuously told Amanda that she was failing miserably throughout the task and generally came off as one of the more unpleasant people I’ve ever seen on television. Then again, she was dealing with the incompetent castoffs from Martha’s “Apprentice,” so I guess I can understand. And guys like Amanda can be a bit pig-headed too. Y’know, I was going to lay off the “Amanda is a dude” jokes this week, but then I saw her mustache. Oh dear.

And come to think of it, Amanda has a penchant for neck scarves – she seems to be constantly wearing one. Hiding the ol’ Adam’s apple, hmmmmmm? And the name Amanda is a bit too convenient, eh? “A man, duh?” Anyway, Bethenny was busy doing nothing over at her Circus task. Jim called her, “A mess, an absolute mess.” Exhibitionist Carrie was also upset as she felt Bethenny wasn’t leading them and that many tasks had gone untouched – even as the deadline was fast approaching. Personally, I just love that Carrie kept her little sweater tied around her neck (though, as her titty showed us last week, there’s no question she’s all woman, baby) as if she studied her Dartmouth orientation guide a bit too hard. You know, the one with the black guy, the Asian girl, the Hispanic grad student, and the white preppie chick with her sweater tied around her neck. I say, dear chap, where do I sign up for the sailing club?

Bottom line: both Dawna and Bethenny appeared to be doing a terrible job. Amanda was calling coral capelets “pink shawls.” The horror. Bethenny was telling a caterer she’d hired for the day, “Just take stuff and make it look great.” Gee, nice direction. And by the way, where were Howie, Ryan, and Sarah? What in the world were they doing? Oh yeah, that’s right… I didn’t care. Nor did I care that Team Dawna had to revise the wording on their fashion show programs at the last minute; causing them to skimp on the design of the print job. This totally pissed Linda Greenblatt off – especially since the program didn’t even feature the Liz Claiborne logo on it! Sarah finally spoke up, unfortunately channeling reality TV veteran Boston Rob with a hearty, “Holy Cannoli” as she began to feel the pressure. Howie leered at a passing model. I rested my eyelids for a moment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, gather ’round, it’s time for a good old fashioned circus… In a nightclub… With an apple juice advertisement as the background decor… And free Pringles for everyone. Yay! The performers were rather amazing – no animals or anything like that, just a bunch of highly skilled acrobats doing some pretty cool things. Martha had arrived with her lackeys in tow and was given a quick tour by Bethenny. Everything looked to be in order and Martha seemed pleased. There was even a silent auction that we were told, “went off without a hitch,” but who knows. We saw none of it. Since the audience was 98% kids less than 10 years old, I’m assuming the single malt and rare cigar gift pack Charles donated didn’t go over too well.

This scene just screams “Fun!”

After the circus was completed, Bethenny gave her team quick handshakes and a terse thank-you. Jim was offended and offered up a passive aggressive, “Good luck in the conference room, I mean, it should have been my job but God bless.” Carrie and Ryan weren’t even shown. Bethenny expressed confidence in her abilities and declared herself the winner. Later, she said, “There’s no way Martha’s giving this to Dawna. There’s no way.” It was as if Mark Burnett was saying, “I dare you to believe my ham-fisted foreshadowing this time. I dare you.” Then a crab scampered across the street.

The most fascinating scene of the entire season played out during the ride over to the fashion show. Alexis and Martha were side by side ostensibly having an unscripted conversation about the proceedings. Martha said, “I think this is a great challenge, don’t you?” She was also fiddling with her Blackberry.

Alexis replied, “Yeah!”
Martha reacted with an unemotional, “Excellent.” She was totally lost in her emailing.
Alexis continued, “Apparently Amanda picked out the outfits and Sarah loved… ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR ARE YOU EMAILING?”
Martha: “I’m listening. Sarah loved?”

And Alexis was ripshit. What a glimpse into her life. Sure she’s rich beyond rich – but man, when your mom totally ignores you while being filmed, and then allows that scene into the final cut of the fin-ahhhh-le, all the money in the world ain’t gonna make you happy. Christ, all the money she has and she still can’t get a decent haircut. Alexis, Martha, and Charles in his carnival barker suit (again) arrived at the show and sidled up to the runway. Was it just me, or did all of the models have really weak walks? After 5 seasons of ANTM and two Project Runways, I know my walks. Not to mention all those Victoria’s Secret shows I’ve enjoyed – hey, wait a minute… Wasn’t that the same runway coordinator guy that was on the Victoria’s Secret show? God I was bored. Though Charles,’ “Hubba-hubba” proclamation roused me a bit. At least his cigar didn’t suddenly get “erect” – at this point, I was totally expecting that from this show.

Afterwards, the bitch from Liz Claiborne lightened up and told Dawna that she’d done a great job. Dawna was so tired and apparently emotional that she began crying for no discernable reason. This display continued as she said goodbye to her little team; Howie, Sarah, and Amanda. Waah wah waaaaahhhh. So much for Red Dawna – she’s no WOLVERINE. Wimp.

After the tasks were complete, the two made their way to the final conference room. For some reason, Bethenny chose to wear a sexy little chocolate gingerbread dress and stilettos. Remember, poor little Bethenny has never had a corporate job before – what does she know? Maybe her hoochie get up would work for Charles (hell, it worked for his son, remember), but no way would it work for Martha. But wait a minute… the X-Factor Alexis still had an opinion. And it could be said she’s even more of an XY-factor. Bethenny might not be so dumb after all!

Eh, not so much. The conference room showed us nothing new, as Dawna held her own and carried herself rather well. Meanwhile, Bethenny’s thong was rubbing her the wrong way (due to the skin tight dress, no doubt) and she kept interrupting Dawna and selling herself by saying such brilliant witticisms as, “I have some rough, rough edges.” Just what Martha wants, dumbass. Just before the commercial, the camera panned the live studio audience; there was Dawna’s family and there were Bethenny’s friends. No family, just friends. Was she raised by wolves? Or more likely, was she raised by Mr. Peanut salting his, um, nuts to attend?

We were then treated to short vignettes about the candidates “real” lives – there was Bethenny buying some radishes and some Brussels sprouts. Then she washed the veggies and chopped them up. Oh yes, now I see… chopping veggies = $250,000 executive position with Martha Stewart Omnimedia. Makes perfect sense. Then we got a peek into Dawna’s world – swimming in cycling gear and publishing a women’s sports magazine. Gee, what a tough decision for Martha. The anticipation was killing me!

We finally got to the meat of the show; the live discussion and crowning of the winner. This is where the personalities would really shine! Martha asked Alexis what she thought about the candidates and she gave a very eloquent and thoughtful answer: “You’ll have to tune into Sirius radio channel 112 at noon to hear what I really think.” WTF? I suppose this would be the absolute last time Alexis made it onto television in her life, so she used the opportunity to plug her stupid little radio show. She finally did offer up, “Dawna is a little dispassionate and uncreative but is a better fit.” Which reminds me, I have a pot named Dikembe Motumbo and this kettle… oh never mind.

I couldn’t help but be distracted by Martha’s weird right eye all night. Is this normal for her? Did she have some recent Botox shots or something? Her eye was a little too open; a little too “bright.” I can’t really explain it other than to say it began really freaking me out after a while. To Martha’s credit, however, she did expose Jim for being the fraud that he is, saying, “Jim, I think your whole thing was an act. No way was that you on the show.” Amen. I wish she went a little further to tell him that she will do everything in her power to see that he never appears on television again. One last time: F Jim.

The whole proceeding was very choppy and poorly orchestrated. Martha kept cutting off everyone’s answers and – I can’t stop staring – that goddamn eye! The eye, coupled with her weird orange Dr. Evil cape thing just gave off an eerie vibe somehow. Before I knew what hit me, Martha cut Bethenny off again, told her that her style of dress was unprofessional and she was unqualified and that she was just thinking and was wondering if Dawna wouldn’t mind working for her.

Awkward silence

“We could use you at MSO.”

Pause

Oh hey! Dawna won! Yay! Actually, since that wasn’t a surprise at all, I guess it was kind of clever how Martha announced the winner – all surreptitiously and stuff. That’s why she’s a billionaire and I’m looking up the proper spelling of capelet since my spellchecker keeps telling me it’s not a word. Dawna will be working at Martha’s newest magazine, “Body and Soul,” which is essentially Oprah’s magazine with a lot more white people in it. The magazine seeks to “Nourish your soul,” and other hokum like that.

Martha’s a big hit with Pilgrims

And with that, Dawna ran outside to “nourish her soul” by climbing into the Buick Lucerne she had just won and spitting out the scripted phrase, “So excited!” Then she drove away into the Manhattan night.

So, the show ended with the Dawna winning – the same Dawna who didn’t do a single noteworthy thing in the first 6 episodes – shaking Martha’s hand and then walking out of the studio, climbing into her new car, and driving away leaving her family and new employers standing around drinking warm champagne. A fitting awkward ending to a thoroughly awkward season.

Have at it TVgasm readers! I can’t wait to see the 400+ comments this “Apprentice” finale garners! (I did say that Martha’s magazine has more white people in it than Oprah’s! That should be good for a good 100 comments, right?)

Comments (31)
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31 Comments

1

Meesh

Posted December 22, 2005 at 9:51 pm

The funniest part was the lame ass interview on Martha this morning, with Ms.M closing with “so…you have my email address, if you ever have any questions, you know how to contact me”

Bwhahaha.. her apprentice my ass. She just won a job working on a magazine that is essentially a doppleganger of the magazine her and her hubby already publish (can you say conflict of interest?) at an office no where near Martha.

Wonder if hubby & business will relocate too.
2

boondocksaint

Posted December 22, 2005 at 10:04 pm

Just had to say, before reading the recap…EXCELLENT Red Dawn shoutout. lol

Now all you need is one from Roadhouse, and you’ll be set.
3

Firecat

Posted December 22, 2005 at 10:26 pm

That exchange between Alexis and her Mom in the car was priceless….LOL
4

someone

Posted December 22, 2005 at 11:35 pm

go to this website http://www.nypost.com/gossip/pagesix.htm

APPRENTICE SHOCKER
5

Mr. Negativity

Posted December 23, 2005 at 5:29 am

The Pilgrim lady had me laughing for hours.
6

The Dogg Pound

Posted December 23, 2005 at 5:44 am

Thanks for the link, someone. If the story were really true — and I’m not so sure that it is — then it would be the most interesting part of the entire season. Seriously, how could you name Bethenny the winner considering that she sucked the entire season, was hated on by everyone, and did nothing on the last task? Granted, Dawna was not a star either, but she came off as far more competent than Miss Butterface. And besides, if Martha hired Bethenny, it would be like a form of quasi-nepotism, and we know that Martha would never give family members jobs at MSLO, right? And who tells a six-year-old who the winner will be ahead of time? Like this girl actually watches the show and has a vested interest in the results. I think the former contestant source made up the story to get back at Martha for publicly ragging on all of the candidates for being sucky.

BTW, my favorite part of the article is at the end: “Meanwhile, sources say Martha and Alexis were bickering later, with Alexis snubbing the after-party at Martha’s nearby office.”

Looks like a joint session at the psychiatrist’s office is in order. And after the two got along so well in the car.
7

Vee

Posted December 23, 2005 at 6:30 am

I didn’t watch the finale, but checked in on it once during a commercial while they were introducing the fired contestants. I kept thinking how awkward it must have been for them considering how Martha ripped them publicly not 3 weeks ago.
8

chronic

Posted December 23, 2005 at 6:35 am

Well kudos to Bethenny for prioritizing fundraising, especially given the R/R sh*tsorm. I dunno, I kinda liked her.

I also thought her laissez-faire attitude towards the final challenge somewhat revealing. Sometimes I wonder about what is actually involved in these things, since it seems they have 9/10 of the work and planning already done for them – spaces booked, sponsors, entertainment, guest lists, etc etc. The stuff that is left for them often seems to be either grunt work (hanging banners etc) or completely arbitrary (choosing outfits for a fashion show? wtf?). I’m not exactly sure what Dawna did on the final task, but I will say she should have had folders already made that she could insert the program into at the last minute.

At one point the previous episode, Bethenny said something to the effect of “I don’t have to worry about it, it’ll take care of itself.” And I suspect she’s mostly right.
9

Casey

Posted December 23, 2005 at 7:13 am

Oh, the scandal of it all! That was an interesting NY Post article. Thanks for the link.

Neither Apprentice finale showed much of the other candidates. I wish there had been more interaction. I guess I will have to get over it …
10

LensmanCT

Posted December 23, 2005 at 7:20 am

Excellent job, sg-dub. The show was painful…I was reading the latest Harry Potter book at the same time to keep myself amused.Any possibility that Dawna’s an alcoholic, or something? Martha made such a big deal out of “no champagne for you, you’re going to be driving A BRAND NEW LUCERNE!!” Jesus, even if she just got to hold a glass to make it look like she was toasting. How about the job offering: SOMEWHERE near Boston… now that is really enticing. We need more scandal out of this…like maybe the loudmouth six year old being Charles and Bethany’s love chld.
11

JustUsMoms

Posted December 23, 2005 at 7:33 am

I must admit, I am a huge Martha fan and a fan of just about everything Mark Burnett does — so I was SO excited for this show. But in the end, it was pretty f’ing crappy. I’ll stick to watching Martha bake cupcakes shaped like animals and put glitter on pumpkins, and leave the “reality” to pros like Julie Chen.

But sg — your recaps were hillarious. Thanks for writing them. I will miss them much more than the actual show (especially the Amanda = a man lines… they never get old).
12

holyterror

Posted December 23, 2005 at 7:38 am

Maybe Martha’s smaller than I think she is, but didn’t Alexis seem to be about four feet taller than Martha when they were walking into Crobar? She really seemed to have grown to Janet Reno/Yeti size.
13

marthafan

Posted December 23, 2005 at 7:48 am

I missed the show…. had a class…..SO thank you for the recap! Sounds like I didn’t miss much. Very funny recap all the same.
14

marthafan

Posted December 23, 2005 at 7:48 am

I missed the show…. had a class…..SO thank you for the recap! Sounds like I didn’t miss much. Very funny recap all the same.
15

RK

Posted December 23, 2005 at 8:21 am

OMG sg-dub! I’m gonna miss this show ONLY because I won’t get to read your recaps. I am dying laughing over here.

That finahhhhleee (seriously, can’t someone tell her she sounds ridiculous?) was so awkward and boring. It was thrown together in a manner that one might throw a garage sale together. I’ve never seen something so poorly produced – well, except for maybe THE SHOW ITSELF.

The Alexis/Martha exchange in the car was beyond priceless and I cannot believe Martha allowed that to be left in the show because it confirms that she is probably the WORST MOTHER EVER. I could just imagine this sort of thing happening the entire time Alexis was growing up. Can’t you just see her stamping her feet and imploding every time her mother ignored her?

The Apprentice: Martha Martha was a disaster. I’m sure Alexis is going to rip her mother a new one on her radio show today.
16

RK

Posted December 23, 2005 at 8:27 am

P.S.
Did you guys see this?
From the NY Post today. They are saying that Bethenny really won and they switched the winner at the last minute because Jennifer Koppelman’s kid ruined the surprise. Also, more about Martha and Alexis being at each other’s throats.

http://www.nypost.com/gossip/gossip.htm
17

LensmanCT

Posted December 23, 2005 at 8:39 am

For those who missed it, the entire debacle will be replayed on CNBC on December 25th. YES! Christmas Night! What could be nicer than rounding up all the kids and watching these idiots all over again.

I am disappointed in Jim…when Martha started all the crap about him “not being real” I was hoping that he would say “well, you’re not really NICE either, you phony bitch.” Oh well, it was a thought.
18

swimbikerun

Posted December 23, 2005 at 9:29 am

Alexis has her own raido show? Wouldn’t her complete lack of personality and monotone voice be a safey hazard, on account that her tens of listeners may fall asleep behind the wheel?

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME MOM? Priceless.
19

jash

Posted December 23, 2005 at 9:49 am

dr evil cape! brilliant!

man this finale sucked royal ass, and i watch her daytime show which is also live and doesnt look nearly as college-productiony as this finale did. jesus.

also, martha cuts EVERYONE off on her show–at some point or another…thats what makes watching it so awesome. social awkwardness!

while i am a steadfast martha fan, this show went down the crapper FAST, and i’m so appreciative to have had your hilarious comments to look forward to each week!

the scene w/alexis lambasting mom for lack of attention was priceless.
20

Yawna

Posted December 23, 2005 at 10:08 am

Apparently, Alexis has quite the personality on the radio show. She rags on Martha and talks about where she and her girlfriend – i mean boyfriend – nope, girlfriend – BOYFRIEND have sex and blah blah blah. I think she just says things to try and shock Martha and it doesn’t work because MARTHA DOESN’T LISTEN TO ANYTHING ANYONE SAYS. EVER.
21

Zharak

Posted December 23, 2005 at 10:25 am

I think maybe they did change the winer at the last minute. Alexis obviously hated Dawna so the fact that the producers switched the winners right before the finale, while Martha probably didn’t cared and let them do it, infuriated Alexis and that’s why they bickered afterwards and snubbed the post-show party.

Her then proclaiming that she’ll REALLY say what’s on her mind on her radio show probably means that she’ll rip a new one on Dawna’s poor self.
22

British

Posted December 23, 2005 at 10:43 am

The Alexis “Are you listening to me?” Just about sums up her involvement on the show. Ie NOTHING. Why does martha diss on her? Alexis is a babe. She looked damn good in that black slutty dress and not-so-lesbian haircut.

But the finale was the most boring thing ever. Why can’t we see jim’s wife?
23

RK

Posted December 23, 2005 at 12:44 pm

You know, Zharak, I might actually believe your theory. At the end of the show, Alexis said something to Bethenny and Bethenny clearly said, ‘That’s okay’.
24

chronic

Posted December 23, 2005 at 12:56 pm

The “are you listening to me” bit was well funny, but y’all are making too much of it. I was watching it with my mother and we had a good chuckle over it, because that happens with us all the time. Seemed like a nice little “look Martha is just like the rest of us” snippet, which is why they probably kept it in.

Parents and children tune each other out all the time! Couples do it. Friends do it. And if anyone says they’ve never had an irate “are you listening to me” directed at them, they’re lying.
25

RK

Posted December 23, 2005 at 4:12 pm

YES, chronic, but Martha NEVER listens to anyone! AND, she is being FILMED! I think it is bizarre to totally ignore your kid on national TV, ESPECIALLY when she barely says a word half the time.
26

A Man, duh?

Posted December 23, 2005 at 9:16 pm

So me and 25 other suckers, I mean people watched this show, eh?
Sad that the most exciting part of this fi-naaa-lee was “Are you listening to me mom?”
Martha looked really angry-maybe too much botox?
I realize if I had fallen asleep during this show, I would not have missed anything.
27

stevo

Posted December 24, 2005 at 10:55 pm

I think there might be something to that New York Post story. When the showed Bethenney and Dawna coming through the studio door it struck me as odd. Dawna was beaming and smiling into the camera like a stoned scientologist while Bethenney already looked dejected and kinda pissed. Did they already know?
28

Page

Posted December 27, 2005 at 12:09 pm

I would have to agree with your comments RK.. This finale was so awkward and boring. Mark Burnett needs to be slapped.

Sg-dub, I am surprised that you did not mention the awkwardness of the two finalists setting off to the side on metal bar stools during the live broadcast.

And Martha , Charles and Alexis having to look over in that direction, not really making any eye contact with them as they spoke.

I guess they were not worthy enough to set at the same table.

Of course, considering Marthas lack of interest in this entire process, it was to be expected.

Also, Alexis trying to walk in those heels. Very sad, and painful to watch.

The recap was hilarious. The show. horrible!

I have always been a fan of Martha Stewart.
After this, I have no respect for her, and her “I am so above this and these people, just go away,” attitude.

Charlie Browns teacher has more affect than Martha and her staff. Wah Wah WAHH Wah.

GO carve some radish roses Martha, and stay off of my television in the future.
29

RK

Posted December 28, 2005 at 6:45 am

Alexis said on her radio show that of all the contestants, she would’ve wanted to sleep with Marcela. Martha’s probably thinking, ‘why did i give her a spot on my channel??”
30

Datadragon

Posted December 28, 2005 at 10:58 pm

Did anyone notice the tight shots of the car at the end?

They must have had a reason not to show the whole car.

A Buick Lucerne? Sounds like the cherry on top of this season’s cake of lame rewards.
31

Carey

Posted December 30, 2005 at 2:15 pm

What about Jim begging for a pan shot of his ‘beautiful wife’? He seem to think she was more then camera worthy and Martha did everything but announce her engagement to this mysterious chick.

Red Dawna: WOLVERINES!!

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