Another week, another Martha Stewart Apprentice closer to the end. They are doing a live finale too – and I’m very much looking forward to that. Martha won’t be happy that her show is a failed lame-duck and she’s infamous for wearing her displeasure on her sleeve. But I’m getting ahead of myself, as that show is a full 2 weeks off. This week, there were still five people left with a fun task in front of them. And since the previews for this week clearly showed Jim acting like a drunken fool, we were in for a treat. And since the previews to this show have never been misleading in the past, I was positively excited.Okay, that last sentence was soaking with sarcasm, as this show has hoodwinked us on multiple occasions with promises of hijinx only to come with another boring episode. But Jim was REALLY drunk in the previews this time, I swear! (Actually, Jim was never drunk during this episode and aside from one disturbing moment of simian infantilism, he was once again one of the better contributors.) God, it KILLS me to say that. Because, as you all know, I don’t like Jim. Pompous, obnoxious, uncouth, immature, conniving Jim who refers to himself in the third person. Only one person at a time can refer to himself in the 3rd person per year. This year (several years running actually), it’s Diddy. Mr. T had a vice-like grip on the 80′s and, of course, the 90′s were ruled by Ian Ziering.
Ryan and Marcela arrived back at the loft and the final five began thinking ahead. Ryan, trying to make his partner Marcela feel better, reminded her that her overall record was 3-7 and she was 0-2 as Project Manager. Go get ‘em Marcela! This bit of negativism made little Marcela think that if she and Ryan were to lose, it would be an automatic that she’d be sent home. Can’t say she didn’t make sense, but the girl needs a lesson in positive thinking regardless. And besides, there simply HAD to be a challenge that delved into more of the “Martha” realm which would benefit Marcela a bit more. I mean, another marketing challenge at this point would just be stupid – Martha’s all about baking and tastemaking and decorating, not just marketing products on the street week in and week out… Right?
It was at this point that Jim decided to hop up onto the kitchen island and act like a baby gorilla. Not just for a second for a cheap laugh, but for what seemed like an eternity. You know how some jokes are mildly humorous in the initial seconds, but then aren’t funny for a pretty long time, until they become funny again? Well, Jim was going for that third phase where his buffoonery became funny again. Unfortunately for him, acting like a baby gorilla for no apparent reason still isn’t funny again. (He did state the he did it to, “Make Dawna lose focus.” Um, okay, but you were doing it a full 12 hours or so before Martha even laid out the task. So in other words, he was acting like a monkey for no reason whatsoever.)
The next morning the gang learned that Martha was down in Highpoint, North Carolina at some furniture factory. She was down there to help launch the new furniture collection or something. I’m just waiting for Martha to start shilling giant tarpon fish for average Janes to hang in their living rooms. (In case you missed it a couple months ago, Martha loves hanging big dead fish all over her Long Island house.) So Martha presented the task via MarthaVideo. Sigh, ANOTHER marketing challenge; each team would have to produce a 30 second commercial for Song Airlines to be judged by a planeload of frequent Song fliers.
Watch this… I’ll do more for Song than the show did. I LOVE Song Airlines. It’s kind of like Jet Blue but better. It’s a little corny, but having a satellite TV of your own and having the ability to play trivia and other games vs. your fellow passengers is awesome. They are super cheap, somewhat irreverant, and in my experience – on time. They’re not hooked in with Travelocity or Expedia, so be sure to search their site directly for flight information. Trust me, they’re good. In case you think I’m bullshitting you, I believe I mentioned them back in mid July in one recap or another – I’m just not going to go searching. (On that flight I played trivia as “sg-dub” and some nice young woman asked me if I was THE sg-dub. So Angel, if you’re reading this, I’ve heard the 2nd trimester is the easiest – good luck!)
Anyway, Team Primarius was down to just Marcela and Ryan – the “cute team.” Team Matchstick was three strong with Dawna, Jim, and Bethenny – the “not-so cute team.” Ryan (again) immediately came up with the idea that they’d roll with. A “star baseball player” would be shown running late to catch his flight. After missing it and realizing he only has $100 in his wallet, he’s relieved to find Song has a $99 flight from JFK to Los Angeles and goes on his merry way. Like last week, this was another idea that maybe just maybe could have worked on some level with the right actors and writing and conceptualizing. You can guess that little Ryan and Marcela aren’t “the right” people. Especially when, after speaking with Song’s marketing execs and learning that their target demographic was 40+ year old women, Ryan didn’t change his frat boy mentality.
As if that weren’t clear enough, Martha then appeared for her weekly MarthaWisdom segment: “Ask the customer what THEY want and cater to them.” Hmmm, remember last week when, in the conference room, Martha and Alexis told us that they are in the business of telling the customer what THEY want? Yeah, I remember that too, especially since I wrote that recap less than 24 hours ago, but I digress. Bottom line: Ryan and/or Marcela were/was doomed.
MORE Giant Salads!
For the especially dull viewer, the show FURTHER hammered this point home by showing Team PriMrMxyzptlk calling the SAME marketing reps and being told the SAME target demo information and actually heeding their wisdom. This didn’t go off perfectly smoothly, though, because Jimbo was in the hizzouse. He took over the conference call for a moment and asked about what the dress code was for the Song passenger. Quizzical looks all around as Jim went on and on about A-Line skirts and “Pullmans,” whatever the hell they are. Jim is an odd duck.
Bethenny, who had been cordial with Jim throughout (with occasional tiffs), finally realized he was a liability and confided in Dawna, saying that she was “in it til the end with” her because Jim was, “Crazy.” Gee, Bethenny, it took you HOW LONG to realize the obvious? A little future-casting never hurt: Hmmmm, Ryan and Marcela will lose this challenge and both will be sent home because there’s only 2 shows left after this one. Then, Jim will finally go as his usefulness to Martha’s ratings only goes so far. Then, Dawna simply has to win because Bethenny DIDN’T REALIZE JIM WAS A BUMBLEF*CK UNTIL 10 WEEKS IN. Sorry, hope no one is upset with my faux-spoiler.
Team Pri-I-I-I-I-I-I-marius (John the Stutterer) went down to the casting folks and picked out several actors for their spot. Jim was still stuck on which fashion labels each would wear and how sexy the women’s legs were. Despite Jim’s fixation on the mundane, they seemed to know what they were doing and certainly impressed Charles and Alexis who had stopped by to check in with them. It was a different story on Matchstick’s side as Ryan had decided to do the entire commercial himself. Apparently, this made sense to him because as a child he’d always wanted to be a baseball player and this was his chance.
Huh? So there he was… “acting” late for the plane and so forth. Marcela was embarrassed and when Charles and Alexis came to get a progress update, they were decidedly disappointed. Judging by Marcela’s outfit, apparently she was going for a more song and dance Bollywood feel to the commercial, but Ryan was sticking to his homoerotic guns. And speaking of homoerotic… Dude, Charles, did we really need to see the “veins” of your cigar so up close and personal? Ugh:
My new screensaver
Filming continued at JFK itself – Martha really has pulled off some production coups on her show, huh? Then again, so did Tommy Hilfiger on “The Cut.” Ryan was still directing, storyboarding, blocking, and acting in the Matchstick commercial. It became even more evident at this point that their commercial was going to be embarrassing. Ryan did think up the brilliant idea of having a guy in boxing headgear for no reason sitting next to him on the plane. But he looked more like an unfortunate retarded guy in headgear rather than the boxer he was supposed to be… at least I think that’s what Ryan was going for.
Meanwhile, Jim and his girls (in his mind) were plugging along on their more well thought-out commercial. At one point, Dawna implored the (real) Song flight attendant to be sure and NOT give Jim any real alcohol during the shoot. Sure, Dawna may have been over reacting a bit, but I agree with her agita. Jim is just the type of moron who would drink excessively during a task and blow it all to hell. (Though really, Dawna, wouldn’t that insure his ousting?) Jim was intent on getting the details right all the way down to the color of the drinks being served on film. Bethenny, who isn’t one of those “detail girls,” compared Jim to Fellini. Listen, I couldn’t begin to pretend to appreciate Fellini’s work (I’m more of a Seymour Butts kinda guy) but I think comparing Jim to him is a tad ridiculous. Though he is a clown and didn’t Fellini have a thing for clowns?
Later, it was time to edit the footage down to the 30-second commercial. For the first time (and last, I’m sure) the show was able to focus on someone other than Jim self destructing. Pretty boy Ryan, perhaps feeling a bit overconfident, decided that getting bombed while working would be a good idea. My man was not shy – if we are to believe the editing, he had around 10 beers. Marcela sat idly by as her lone teammate got more and more sloshed. About 5 beers in, Ryan gave the Apprentice quote of the year, regarding his boozing: “This is what guys in this business do. They drink and they edit.” Awesome… I’m not saying he’s wrong, as I fully believe the sound editors on both “Apprenti” are drunk 24-7. Heck, I’m actually enjoying a Saranac Pale Ale as I write. AND I just got a call to go to the UConn vs. UMass game tonight in Hartford. Life is good.
And life was feeling really good to Ryan by the time he had to make the final decisions regarding their commercial. In a stroke of “friggin genius” (his words), he slurred/misspoke, “Song… Need we play more?” instead of “pay more?” He declared his inebriation to be his creative spark and forged ahead with this idiotic idea. (Where was Marcela?) If that weren’t enough, Ryanstupid then thoughtstupidly that adding stupidsubliminal messages in between cut scenesareyouf*ckingkiddingme would be just the brilliant trick to put Team Matchstick over the tophomosayswhat.
Ryan compared himself to Vincent Van Gogh. Let Ryan’s foolishness be a lesson to all you college freshmen, 4 months into your 1st semester – clouding one’s mind with booze and/or pot and/or anything else does not make you more creative. It makes you stupid. Really, really stupid. (On my third Saranac now, trying to prove that point in case you missed the show.)
The time for judging came and it happened aboard “Flight 411″ (cute). The Primaerie (crossword word!) crew put together a very professional and decent spot. The only negative I saw was the skycap who appeared to say, “Have a nice flight, bitch,” but other than that, it looked really good. Then it was Ryan’s turn to shine. And by “shine” I mean “look like shit.” His commercial made NO sense whatsoever and the reactions by the voters were rather telling. Ryan was toast. Despite all this, both Marcela and Ryan were confident in their work. And by the way, I never thought it possible to be nonexistent on a reality show when there are only two people left on your team. Somehow, Marcela pulled this off – Congrats my little Chiquita.
Of course Team Primarius crushed Ryan and Marcela when the results were announced in the conference room. Amazingly, just like Buick last week, Song decided that they’d run the ad for real in the New York area touting the $99 flight to LA. So what would the prize be this week? More charity work? Nah – even better. Horseback riding with Martha at her famous Bedford Estate, aka, “parole prison.” Not only that, but the three winners would also enjoy a game of Scrabble with Martha! Christ, could you see Trump playing Scrabble? (Come to think of it, that would be awesome. “Hey⁄! Where is the 30 BILLION TRIPLE WORD SCORE?”)
On the little trot around her rather impressive property, Martha pointed to her “owl house.” She may have said, “out house,” I’m not sure. Regardless, that deuchebag Jim pretended that we all have 1500 square foot owl houses in our backyards. Poor Dawna was left behind on the horses and didn’t get any face time with Martha. Of course, as you’ll all remember, we didn’t even know who Dawna was until like the 8th episode of this show. And in the end, even if she wins this mess as I’ve predicted (though Martha ain’t too keen on any of them), I’ll only remember her as the dopey chick who can’t play Scrabble. She was so flustered she couldn’t even put down “be” or “on” or whatever. Some reward, eh, Dawna?
In the Conference Room, Ryan took full “credit” for the commercial. This wasn’t his best idea, as Charles tore into the subliminal garbage, Martha destroyed the nonsensical tagline, and even A.L.E.X.I.S. (wish I came up with that earlier) pegged them on their failure to play to the target demographic of middle aged women droning, “Women don’t care about sportsss. You’d think after all this time the show’s production crew would be sure to keep her battery charged at all times – just in case she wants to “talk” every 8 hours or so.
Just before the end, Ryan was asked why he drank so much beer. Using an excuse that I’m sure I’ve used once or twice before he replied, “Because it was free.” Amen to that, brother. Unfortunately, rich people like Martha and Charles don’t care about “free” so they were not amused. As predicted, Martha told both Marcela and Ryan that they just “didn’t really fit in” and they were sent packing.
Repeat after me: Two. More. Episodes.