Givin’ Me The Ol’ Song and Dunce

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart

By sg-dub | Thursday, December 8, 2005 | 5:40 pm | 33 Comments

Another week, another Martha Stewart Apprentice closer to the end. They are doing a live finale too – and I’m very much looking forward to that. Martha won’t be happy that her show is a failed lame-duck and she’s infamous for wearing her displeasure on her sleeve. But I’m getting ahead of myself, as that show is a full 2 weeks off. This week, there were still five people left with a fun task in front of them. And since the previews for this week clearly showed Jim acting like a drunken fool, we were in for a treat. And since the previews to this show have never been misleading in the past, I was positively excited.Okay, that last sentence was soaking with sarcasm, as this show has hoodwinked us on multiple occasions with promises of hijinx only to come with another boring episode. But Jim was REALLY drunk in the previews this time, I swear! (Actually, Jim was never drunk during this episode and aside from one disturbing moment of simian infantilism, he was once again one of the better contributors.) God, it KILLS me to say that. Because, as you all know, I don’t like Jim. Pompous, obnoxious, uncouth, immature, conniving Jim who refers to himself in the third person. Only one person at a time can refer to himself in the 3rd person per year. This year (several years running actually), it’s Diddy. Mr. T had a vice-like grip on the 80′s and, of course, the 90′s were ruled by Ian Ziering.

Ryan and Marcela arrived back at the loft and the final five began thinking ahead. Ryan, trying to make his partner Marcela feel better, reminded her that her overall record was 3-7 and she was 0-2 as Project Manager. Go get ‘em Marcela! This bit of negativism made little Marcela think that if she and Ryan were to lose, it would be an automatic that she’d be sent home. Can’t say she didn’t make sense, but the girl needs a lesson in positive thinking regardless. And besides, there simply HAD to be a challenge that delved into more of the “Martha” realm which would benefit Marcela a bit more. I mean, another marketing challenge at this point would just be stupid – Martha’s all about baking and tastemaking and decorating, not just marketing products on the street week in and week out… Right?

It was at this point that Jim decided to hop up onto the kitchen island and act like a baby gorilla. Not just for a second for a cheap laugh, but for what seemed like an eternity. You know how some jokes are mildly humorous in the initial seconds, but then aren’t funny for a pretty long time, until they become funny again? Well, Jim was going for that third phase where his buffoonery became funny again. Unfortunately for him, acting like a baby gorilla for no apparent reason still isn’t funny again. (He did state the he did it to, “Make Dawna lose focus.” Um, okay, but you were doing it a full 12 hours or so before Martha even laid out the task. So in other words, he was acting like a monkey for no reason whatsoever.)

The next morning the gang learned that Martha was down in Highpoint, North Carolina at some furniture factory. She was down there to help launch the new furniture collection or something. I’m just waiting for Martha to start shilling giant tarpon fish for average Janes to hang in their living rooms. (In case you missed it a couple months ago, Martha loves hanging big dead fish all over her Long Island house.) So Martha presented the task via MarthaVideo. Sigh, ANOTHER marketing challenge; each team would have to produce a 30 second commercial for Song Airlines to be judged by a planeload of frequent Song fliers.

Watch this… I’ll do more for Song than the show did. I LOVE Song Airlines. It’s kind of like Jet Blue but better. It’s a little corny, but having a satellite TV of your own and having the ability to play trivia and other games vs. your fellow passengers is awesome. They are super cheap, somewhat irreverant, and in my experience – on time. They’re not hooked in with Travelocity or Expedia, so be sure to search their site directly for flight information. Trust me, they’re good. In case you think I’m bullshitting you, I believe I mentioned them back in mid July in one recap or another – I’m just not going to go searching. (On that flight I played trivia as “sg-dub” and some nice young woman asked me if I was THE sg-dub. So Angel, if you’re reading this, I’ve heard the 2nd trimester is the easiest – good luck!)

Anyway, Team Primarius was down to just Marcela and Ryan – the “cute team.” Team Matchstick was three strong with Dawna, Jim, and Bethenny – the “not-so cute team.” Ryan (again) immediately came up with the idea that they’d roll with. A “star baseball player” would be shown running late to catch his flight. After missing it and realizing he only has $100 in his wallet, he’s relieved to find Song has a $99 flight from JFK to Los Angeles and goes on his merry way. Like last week, this was another idea that maybe just maybe could have worked on some level with the right actors and writing and conceptualizing. You can guess that little Ryan and Marcela aren’t “the right” people. Especially when, after speaking with Song’s marketing execs and learning that their target demographic was 40+ year old women, Ryan didn’t change his frat boy mentality.

As if that weren’t clear enough, Martha then appeared for her weekly MarthaWisdom segment: “Ask the customer what THEY want and cater to them.” Hmmm, remember last week when, in the conference room, Martha and Alexis told us that they are in the business of telling the customer what THEY want? Yeah, I remember that too, especially since I wrote that recap less than 24 hours ago, but I digress. Bottom line: Ryan and/or Marcela were/was doomed.

MORE Giant Salads!

For the especially dull viewer, the show FURTHER hammered this point home by showing Team PriMrMxyzptlk calling the SAME marketing reps and being told the SAME target demo information and actually heeding their wisdom. This didn’t go off perfectly smoothly, though, because Jimbo was in the hizzouse. He took over the conference call for a moment and asked about what the dress code was for the Song passenger. Quizzical looks all around as Jim went on and on about A-Line skirts and “Pullmans,” whatever the hell they are. Jim is an odd duck.

Bethenny, who had been cordial with Jim throughout (with occasional tiffs), finally realized he was a liability and confided in Dawna, saying that she was “in it til the end with” her because Jim was, “Crazy.” Gee, Bethenny, it took you HOW LONG to realize the obvious? A little future-casting never hurt: Hmmmm, Ryan and Marcela will lose this challenge and both will be sent home because there’s only 2 shows left after this one. Then, Jim will finally go as his usefulness to Martha’s ratings only goes so far. Then, Dawna simply has to win because Bethenny DIDN’T REALIZE JIM WAS A BUMBLEF*CK UNTIL 10 WEEKS IN. Sorry, hope no one is upset with my faux-spoiler.

Team Pri-I-I-I-I-I-I-marius (John the Stutterer) went down to the casting folks and picked out several actors for their spot. Jim was still stuck on which fashion labels each would wear and how sexy the women’s legs were. Despite Jim’s fixation on the mundane, they seemed to know what they were doing and certainly impressed Charles and Alexis who had stopped by to check in with them. It was a different story on Matchstick’s side as Ryan had decided to do the entire commercial himself. Apparently, this made sense to him because as a child he’d always wanted to be a baseball player and this was his chance.

Huh? So there he was… “acting” late for the plane and so forth. Marcela was embarrassed and when Charles and Alexis came to get a progress update, they were decidedly disappointed. Judging by Marcela’s outfit, apparently she was going for a more song and dance Bollywood feel to the commercial, but Ryan was sticking to his homoerotic guns. And speaking of homoerotic… Dude, Charles, did we really need to see the “veins” of your cigar so up close and personal? Ugh:

My new screensaver

Filming continued at JFK itself – Martha really has pulled off some production coups on her show, huh? Then again, so did Tommy Hilfiger on “The Cut.” Ryan was still directing, storyboarding, blocking, and acting in the Matchstick commercial. It became even more evident at this point that their commercial was going to be embarrassing. Ryan did think up the brilliant idea of having a guy in boxing headgear for no reason sitting next to him on the plane. But he looked more like an unfortunate retarded guy in headgear rather than the boxer he was supposed to be… at least I think that’s what Ryan was going for.

Meanwhile, Jim and his girls (in his mind) were plugging along on their more well thought-out commercial. At one point, Dawna implored the (real) Song flight attendant to be sure and NOT give Jim any real alcohol during the shoot. Sure, Dawna may have been over reacting a bit, but I agree with her agita. Jim is just the type of moron who would drink excessively during a task and blow it all to hell. (Though really, Dawna, wouldn’t that insure his ousting?) Jim was intent on getting the details right all the way down to the color of the drinks being served on film. Bethenny, who isn’t one of those “detail girls,” compared Jim to Fellini. Listen, I couldn’t begin to pretend to appreciate Fellini’s work (I’m more of a Seymour Butts kinda guy) but I think comparing Jim to him is a tad ridiculous. Though he is a clown and didn’t Fellini have a thing for clowns?

Later, it was time to edit the footage down to the 30-second commercial. For the first time (and last, I’m sure) the show was able to focus on someone other than Jim self destructing. Pretty boy Ryan, perhaps feeling a bit overconfident, decided that getting bombed while working would be a good idea. My man was not shy – if we are to believe the editing, he had around 10 beers. Marcela sat idly by as her lone teammate got more and more sloshed. About 5 beers in, Ryan gave the Apprentice quote of the year, regarding his boozing: “This is what guys in this business do. They drink and they edit.” Awesome… I’m not saying he’s wrong, as I fully believe the sound editors on both “Apprenti” are drunk 24-7. Heck, I’m actually enjoying a Saranac Pale Ale as I write. AND I just got a call to go to the UConn vs. UMass game tonight in Hartford. Life is good.

And life was feeling really good to Ryan by the time he had to make the final decisions regarding their commercial. In a stroke of “friggin genius” (his words), he slurred/misspoke, “Song… Need we play more?” instead of “pay more?” He declared his inebriation to be his creative spark and forged ahead with this idiotic idea. (Where was Marcela?) If that weren’t enough, Ryanstupid then thoughtstupidly that adding stupidsubliminal messages in between cut scenesareyouf*ckingkiddingme would be just the brilliant trick to put Team Matchstick over the tophomosayswhat.

What?

Ryan compared himself to Vincent Van Gogh. Let Ryan’s foolishness be a lesson to all you college freshmen, 4 months into your 1st semester – clouding one’s mind with booze and/or pot and/or anything else does not make you more creative. It makes you stupid. Really, really stupid. (On my third Saranac now, trying to prove that point in case you missed the show.)

The time for judging came and it happened aboard “Flight 411″ (cute). The Primaerie (crossword word!) crew put together a very professional and decent spot. The only negative I saw was the skycap who appeared to say, “Have a nice flight, bitch,” but other than that, it looked really good. Then it was Ryan’s turn to shine. And by “shine” I mean “look like shit.” His commercial made NO sense whatsoever and the reactions by the voters were rather telling. Ryan was toast. Despite all this, both Marcela and Ryan were confident in their work. And by the way, I never thought it possible to be nonexistent on a reality show when there are only two people left on your team. Somehow, Marcela pulled this off – Congrats my little Chiquita.

Of course Team Primarius crushed Ryan and Marcela when the results were announced in the conference room. Amazingly, just like Buick last week, Song decided that they’d run the ad for real in the New York area touting the $99 flight to LA. So what would the prize be this week? More charity work? Nah – even better. Horseback riding with Martha at her famous Bedford Estate, aka, “parole prison.” Not only that, but the three winners would also enjoy a game of Scrabble with Martha! Christ, could you see Trump playing Scrabble? (Come to think of it, that would be awesome. “Hey⁄! Where is the 30 BILLION TRIPLE WORD SCORE?”)

On the little trot around her rather impressive property, Martha pointed to her “owl house.” She may have said, “out house,” I’m not sure. Regardless, that deuchebag Jim pretended that we all have 1500 square foot owl houses in our backyards. Poor Dawna was left behind on the horses and didn’t get any face time with Martha. Of course, as you’ll all remember, we didn’t even know who Dawna was until like the 8th episode of this show. And in the end, even if she wins this mess as I’ve predicted (though Martha ain’t too keen on any of them), I’ll only remember her as the dopey chick who can’t play Scrabble. She was so flustered she couldn’t even put down “be” or “on” or whatever. Some reward, eh, Dawna?

In the Conference Room, Ryan took full “credit” for the commercial. This wasn’t his best idea, as Charles tore into the subliminal garbage, Martha destroyed the nonsensical tagline, and even A.L.E.X.I.S. (wish I came up with that earlier) pegged them on their failure to play to the target demographic of middle aged women droning, “Women don’t care about sportsss. You’d think after all this time the show’s production crew would be sure to keep her battery charged at all times – just in case she wants to “talk” every 8 hours or so.

Just before the end, Ryan was asked why he drank so much beer. Using an excuse that I’m sure I’ve used once or twice before he replied, “Because it was free.” Amen to that, brother. Unfortunately, rich people like Martha and Charles don’t care about “free” so they were not amused. As predicted, Martha told both Marcela and Ryan that they just “didn’t really fit in” and they were sent packing.

Repeat after me: Two. More. Episodes.

Comments (33)
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33 Comments

1

EdHill

Posted December 8, 2005 at 7:33 pm

“Need we play more?”

Fucking genius.
2

Zoli Erdos

Posted December 8, 2005 at 8:01 pm

Hmm.. are you aware that Song is out of business?
3

Lensmanct

Posted December 8, 2005 at 8:07 pm

Hey sg-dub… great recap. I honestly don’t know what part of the show amazed me most… A: the fact that Ryan decided to write, star and produce that abortion.
B. The amount that Ryan drank
C. The fact that Marcella never said a word.
D. Charles obviously checking out Ryan’s crotch in those boxer briefs
E. The fact that Dawna had “never played Scrabble”. What trailer park is she from??
I am in Hartford, but missed the game. Right now I have to go stock up on milk, bread, toilet paper and batteries before the “killer snowstorm” arrives.
4

Mike

Posted December 8, 2005 at 8:21 pm

“Have a nice flight, bitch.”

I watched that like five times. I swear that’s what he says.
5

sg-dub

Posted December 8, 2005 at 8:29 pm

Zoli Erdos –

Song is out of business?
I did not know that. I just flew Song very recently. I Googled this info and found one LA Times article.

That sucks.

Lensmanct –

UConn destroyed them as expected. And ain’t it funny how everyone appears to feast on french toast every snow storm?
6

chronic

Posted December 8, 2005 at 8:33 pm

Aw, I felt bad for Marcella. She did speak against almost every one of Ryan’s beyond idiotic ideas, but there really was no stopping him and his outta control narcissistic drunken ego, and she knew that she would go down with him. (Was a bit puzzled though when she described the giggle reaction as positive.)

That promo video was beyond horrible in every single way imaginable and then some, Somehow the double firing, or whatever the hell Martha calls it, just doesn’t seem enough for Ryan’s performance.
7

stevo

Posted December 8, 2005 at 9:14 pm

Hey Zoli! Where do you get your info? Song is not out of business. They are owned by Delta Airlines which has filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection but that is not the same as “Out of Business”. Actually, Delta is changing more of its planes to follow the Song model, which is awesome. I fly Song as often as possible. It’s my favorite domestic airline.
8

because the beer was free

Posted December 8, 2005 at 9:18 pm

I knew the moment Little League boy ignored the target audience that he and the Field Mouse Marcella would both be fired. Watching him get tanked during the task, and then called out on it, made it that much funnier.
Martha: “And after horseback riding, we are going to play Scrabble.”
Jim: “Oh, I love Scrabble.”
Bethany :”We got to horseback ride with Martha, and play Scrabble. It was a dream come true.”
Too effin funny…
Shout out to CT peeps. Get the shovels ready.
9

Casey

Posted December 8, 2005 at 9:23 pm

I think Bethenny may win it. Jim and Dawn are both smart, but Jim is uncontrollable, and Dawna seems out of her element.
10

J-Unit

Posted December 8, 2005 at 9:33 pm

There will be no song airlines by June of next year. Delta will take over a lot of the routes, and most of those routes will probably feature the same planes, staff, etc. It just won’t be called Song.

Hopefully I won’t have to get out my shovel tomorrow morning. 75 and sunny, you just don’t know.
11

doriangz

Posted December 8, 2005 at 10:38 pm

I know ! I found it hilarious that they were advertising an airline that they are closing. Its the ultimate of product placement

I actually believe Bethanny will win this thing too even though the whole “she knows George angle” plays against her.
If anything she wants it bad AND I dont think they woulda shown the Scrabble thing if it wasnt meant to tell us something about Dawna, which incidently I still dont know anything about, except that she looks like she should be on Alla and Felishia’s team …
No .. wait a sec. Never mind
12

ATCmurph

Posted December 8, 2005 at 11:29 pm

Martha announced the upcoming Scrabble game like it was the second coming. I may not be very good at Scrabble, but I’m pretty sure I could have come up with a 3 or 4 letter word…good grief, what is her major malfunction?
13

reCaPqUeen

Posted December 8, 2005 at 11:30 pm

awesome shout out to the pregnant lady, s-g dub, you’re a scholar and a gentleman

BTW, snow blizz hit chi, il too but I got the pancakes going, not the french toast
14

Helenann

Posted December 9, 2005 at 5:50 am

One of the best recaps evah!I love the picture of the boxing/head injury guy.
I wonder if ImClone’s chief’s policy on customer service was: “”Ask the customer what THEY want and cater to them.” *sigh* Martha, they did you wrong! Never mind you selling the sh*t illegally, it’s all their fault.
Hypothetical: I wonder what would have happened if drunkRyan would have played Scrabble with Martha? “heh heh…Look, I spelled Fug U.” Hey, Ryan, toilet water’s free, too, so don’t be getting any ideas.
God Bless all those snowed in!Start going into the TVgasm archives–the Tony’s are my personal faves.
15

holyterror

Posted December 9, 2005 at 6:13 am

Saranac Pale Ale … Mmmmm!

If Dawna watched The Sopranos, she’d at least have been able to come up with “poo,” “ass,” and “the,” like Meadow’s boyfriend did in his Scrabble game.

Martha seems to have no social graces whatsoever — instead of engaging her guests in some semblance of conversation on that horseback ride, all she did was talk about how beautiful her property is. And SCRABBLE? I’d have looked at my watch and suddenly “remembered” a prior engagement if anyone pulled that on me, then find the nearest exit.

Drunken Ryan was a riot (Ry-ot?) The only thing more tragic and engaging I’ve seen this week was the excellent meltdown on Runway.
16

The Dogg Pound

Posted December 9, 2005 at 6:20 am

It would be so cool to play Scrabble against Martha. I’d be playing words like camp, cupcake, felon, harridan, soulless, and even bitchify.

And by the way, sg-dub, UMass will win next year’s Battle of the Border. Considering that all of UConn’s current players will either jump to the NBA or be incarcerated (or both), Jim Calhoun will have his work cut out for him.
17

Lensmanct

Posted December 9, 2005 at 7:02 am

Thinking again about what had to be one of the stupidest moves ever on TV, does anyone think that maybe Ryan had realized that he had used up his 15 minutes and probably did not want to work for this bitch after all? I can only think that he must have decided to say “F the whole thing…let’s go crazy” (I mean, in the previous episode, his idea of having the car at the dinner table was not exactly brilliant either).
I can see him collecting on side bets with his buddies: “see…and you didn’t think I’d have the balls to do something that crazy.”
OR…he’s just stupid.

Jim is really freakin scary… I kind of hope he will go into a total meltdown when he gets told that he “just doesn’t fit.”
It would be great to see him go over the table and try to choke Martha with her pearl necklace.

To all the CT people: once again, overreaction to the snowstorm by local media outlets is the case. Thank God I was able to get cases of soup and batteries. I just wish I had bought a can opener and a flashlight.
18

Turd Furguson

Posted December 9, 2005 at 7:06 am

Dude, it is DOUCHE BAG not Ã¢â‚¬Å“deuchebag.Ã¢â‚¬? You made the same mistake in the last one. DonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t you have spellcheck?
19

katieshole

Posted December 9, 2005 at 9:04 am

Who does Ryan think he is..fucking Barbra Streisand, with all the writing, producing, directing and starring in? Geez…

Looks like that Dawna is going to win this one…

KH
20

I Need a Name

Posted December 9, 2005 at 10:04 am

Wait– Dawna and Alla aren’t the same person?
21

The Dogg Pound

Posted December 9, 2005 at 10:58 am

From Turd Furguson (#18):
“Dude, it is DOUCHE BAG not Ã¢â‚¬Å“deuchebag.Ã¢â‚¬? You made the same mistake in the last one. DonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t you have spellcheck?”

This coming from a person who misspells his own name. Good gosh. By the way, I just assumed that “deuchebag” was a reference to Donny Deutsch, who was conspiculously absence from this season’s Apprentice but has made up for it recently by acting like the spokesmen for all Earth’s males on every talk show and news show.
22

smithie

Posted December 9, 2005 at 11:49 am

Okay I am really concerned that Martha’s recent speech about how she can’t believe she has to pick from two losers means that Jim and Michael Jackson, I mean Bethany, are the final two. You know what would be awesome if Martha cut them both. It’s the one and only season of this apprentice, choosing neither would really be awesome. I love when the final judging happens after everything has aired. I think survivor would be way better if it happened like that…
23

RK

Posted December 9, 2005 at 11:59 am

Martha’s weirdly obsessed with Scrabble. This from an Larry King interview with Alexis while Martha was “away”.

KING: What does she talk about?

STEWART: Well, we talk about the normal things. You know, we play scrabble, and…

KING: You play scrabble?

STEWART: Yes. She was having a lot of fun playing scrabble until I started beating her. Now she decided she doesn’t want to play.
24

Diana Moon

Posted December 9, 2005 at 8:48 pm

I do not see Martha choosing Dawn-a!
Name too tacky—personal style non-existant. Cannot imagine Martha going with that taste level. Jim is just too inappropriate. Will not win. That leaves Betheny…..I mean she does have some sense of style….she is a “foodie” ….SHE’LL NAB IT. Finally, I love this show! I guess I the only one who will miss Martha’s Apprentice!
25

DJjazzyJason

Posted December 10, 2005 at 7:52 am

OK, I realize I am very shallow and I ain’t even gonna front about that, but now that Ryan (AKA the cute one) is gone I don’t even care who wins. I happens with all the great reality shows. The hot guy will hang in there until the near bitter end and then he’s booted for something stupid. I also realize I should defend my affection for Ryan but all I can say is “linen pants” “knees to chest” and “package.”
26

holyterror

Posted December 10, 2005 at 6:12 pm

Dogg Pound: Bull’s eye — it appeals to the hyper-literate passive/aggressive in me.

Check out the recommendations people listed on Amazon for the Michael Jackson Collection. Brilliant.
27

Kelley

Posted December 10, 2005 at 6:55 pm

The “boxer” is a spitting image of Sammy Davis Jr., especially as the hookah-smoking caterpillar on an obscure version of “Alice in Wonderland”- need I play more?
28

TheApprentrix

Posted December 10, 2005 at 11:03 pm

sg-dub and Diana,

i loved this version of Apprentice, too. Martha’s awkwardness and lack of social grace are every bit as entertaining as The Donald’s pomposity and lack of social grace. I haven’t SEEN the show in a few weeks so I have been reading sg-dub’s delightfully colorful recaps to keep up-to-date. Thanks for keeping on with the flava, sg-dub!

Does anyone else think that Martha did this show as her community service penance?
29

yohoa

Posted December 11, 2005 at 4:29 pm

need we play more? that was so bad! I thought the ladies would like ryan in his undies!
30

mere2142

Posted December 11, 2005 at 5:40 pm

Is it just me or does it seem that we’re left with the weakest of the canidates? I think all the good people were booted early on for lame reasons. Two more to go…thank goodness.

Go Huskies!!! Grew up in lovely Southington, CT so I’m a big UConn fan
31

DJjazzyJason

Posted December 12, 2005 at 2:24 pm

“Is it just me or does it seem that we’re left with the weakest of the canidates? I think all the good people were booted early on for lame reasons”
Very true. This reminds me of that old SNL skit where there was a game show called “Eat it, drive it or sleep with it.” and the contestents had were given a food, a car and a person and had to decide which was the lesser of the 3 evils. Later in the skit they were shown a brick of a head cheese, a 78 Pinto and the fat black lady from “What’s Happenin’. I think it was Chris Kattan that said, “Man I don’t wanna eat, drive or sleep with any of those.” I have never known how he felt until this point in the shower. I don’t wanna eat, drive or sleep with any of them now that Ryan is gone.
32

Miss M

Posted December 13, 2005 at 5:14 pm

Sg-dub, I’ve been reading TVgasm from the very first recap of Lagun–er, never mind, for a while. I make it a point to never comment because, you know, some of us should just giggle and stay above the fray. BUT I have to jump in to say thank you for the Martha recaps. (You’ve seemed a little dejected about this task.) Looking forward to your recaps makes the show so much better! So, chin up ‘dub,it’s almost over. See you at “Project Runway”!

Also, could we take the honor of referring to oneself in the third person away from Diddy now that MTB 3 is over? Can we leave it to The Svan?
33

waitingpatiently

Posted December 20, 2005 at 6:12 am

where is this past week’s recap?! the finale is almost one! help!

Givin’ Me The Ol’ Song and Dunce

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