So I flipped on the TiVo last night to start this week’s recap of The Bachelor and saw it was another two-hour episode. Two friggin hours? Had I known that, I’d have stopped at the liquor store on the way home, as I only have seven beers in the fridge. Fortunately, the first 35 minutes were spent revisiting some of the exotic dates from previous seasons. And since I’ve never watched the show before this season, I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t feel like catching up with stories I don’t give a shit about. (I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, but “catching up with stories about which I don’t give a shit” just sounds stupid.)
Travis has three exotic dates scheduled this week, and there’s nary a rose in sight. That means he can relax and focus on the important things. Like poontang. Actually, he’s focused on getting to know the remaining B’ettes better. Anything else that happens on the dates is just gravy. Love-gravy. He’s most confused about Susan. Last week she told him she was looking forward to falling in love with him, while her mom basically told him not to trust her daughter’s motives. PlainSaraH is a lot of fun, and seems to share the same values as Travis, but now he needs to see if there’s any romantic chemistry there. Personally, I don’t think there is, because whenever he talks about her, all he mentions is her “honesty, character and integrity.” That sounds like he’s describing his sister, not his girlfriend. Although if he were from Kentucky and not Tennessee, she could be the same person. Finally, there’s Moanica. With her, Travis feels the boundaries are limitless. Sounds like someone’s going to try for a threesome in the Fantasy Suite…
His first exotic date is in Venice with Moanica. Travis is excited to see her again, and he’s really hoping for a chance to try out some of the Italian he learned from Season Two of The Sopranos. I’ve never been to Venice, but it looks like it would smell really bad. Travis says when he thinks about Moanica, it feels like he’s meeting his girlfriend. That’s just crazy-talk. Moanica says she’s “pretty stoked” about the date, and feels she’s going to be the ultimate winner. Walking through St. Mark’s Square (or, as Travis calls it, “St. Marco’s”), they’re attacked by a horde of kamikaze pigeons.
Later, while relaxing in a small cafÃƒÂ©, Travis tells Moanica he had a great time on their “last date in the O.C.” While he wasn’t too happy with the way her parents tested him, he has fond memories of Seth’s comic book collection and Mischa Barton’s nipple. When the waiter comes to take their order, Moanica rattles it off in Italian. Travis is impressed. “You continue to amaze me,” he tells her, “just breaking out a little Italian like that.” (There’s got to be a good Joe Pesci joke in there somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I can find it right now.) Anyway, Travis tells Moanica he was in Venice about ten years ago, and thought then that being in a gondola would be an “amazing way” to spend time with someone he cared about. Amazingly, they end up in a gondola. Travis says there’s a “myth” in Venice that every time you pass under a bridge, you have to kiss the woman you’re with. If I were Moanica, I wouldn’t believe him, primarily because something like this doesn’t fall under the definition of “myth”. But whatever. She’s too focused on sinking her rodent teeth into his tongue to care.
After dinner, the two are enjoying wine on the balcony, when they’re accosted by a roving accordionist. For some odd reason, they don’t seem to mind, which makes me wonder if they’re this happy with an accordionist, imagine what levels of ecstasy a wandering mime would send them to. Travis decides to make a toast, which is sure to be another in his growing line of CheeseDickTM cards: “To us, to Venice, and to me, because I’m with the most beautiful girl in Venice.” Next he tells her that while he’s incredibly anxious to get back to his normal life, he wouldn’t trade this experience for the world, because he’d have never met Moanica otherwise. He wonders how nice it would be for them to be back in Nashville or LA. Those are the moments that keep him happy. He also thinks they can learn a lot from each other, and she agrees. “You can teach me a lot of things,” Moanica says. Ah, she’s no old dog, this one. “You’ve already taught me the possibility to continue to learn in areas I thought I’d stalemated in.” Stalemated? Moanica’s starting to sound a lot like Dr. McRottenEggs. When they’re in the room together, Travis says nothing else matters, and everything else disappears. Except his boner! Moanica says it’s an “amazing” feeling to be with him. And his boner.
Travis decides to give Moanica the Fantasy Suite invitation. Since they’re always on the same page, she accepts. In the suite, Moanica confesses she’s worried about her lack of exclusivity. Travis tries to reassure her, telling her he’s never cheated on a girlfriend before. “I promise I won’t promise anything I can’t promise,” he says. And she buys it, saying “As uncomfortable as it makes me, it doesn’t dissuade me from acknowledging the truth that I see when I look at you.” Sounds like Moanica might be starting her own line of CheeseTwatTM cards.
The next date is with PlainSaraH in Vienna. They meet at the base of a historic Ferris wheel. Evidently, the producers tipped PlainSaraH off to the fact that they were visiting a historic relic, since she’s wearing her historic cow-neck sweater. Too bad she couldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t find any historic legwarmers in time for this segment. PlainSaraH tells us she wants more than the friendship they’ve developed to this point. She wants some smoochies! They share a couple of beers on the Ferris wheel. Beer on a Ferris wheel? Me likee Vienna. Travis tells her character is “different’ from the other girls, which of course is code for “I can’t believe you haven’t at least given me a hand-job.”
Tired and sore from their Ferris wheel adventure, they decide to visit a spa for a couple’s massage, followed by a dip in a floating pool, where Travis gives her a few more brotherly pecks. I think this is starting to frustrate PlainSaraH, as she tells us she wants to be kissed like they’re in a relationship. Oh, if only it weren’t for her abnormally high levels of character! That evening, they take a carriage ride through the city. Travis says he appreciates the fact that PlainSaraH hasn’t thrown herself at him. “That’s not what I’m looking for in a woman,” he says. What is he looking for in a woman? Little Travis.
Looks like we got a couple of floaters.
Later, over dinner, Travis tells PlainSaraH he cherishes the time they spend together. She says she wants to go back to Nashville together and see where their relationship goes. But hey, why wait for Nashville when there’s a fully stocked Fantasy Suite upstairs waiting to be deflowered? Travis gives her the key to the room, which she accepts. Finally, a chance for some butterfly kisses! Travis says that neither of them are formal people, so he thinks they should just take their dinner up to the room. Looks like someone’s been watching 9 Ã‚Â½ Weeks.
Upstairs, Travis confesses he feels more of a friendship with PlainSaraH than with any of the other girls. And he wants to know if there’s more. PlainSaraH admits she’s been holding back all this time, because it’s not like her to jump into something. Well, except the bed of the Fantasy Suite, of course. She also questions the sincerity of the other girls, and says that their intentions are different than hers. Travis wants to know what she means by that. “They’re a bunch of bitches!” she screams. “Yeah, I said it. They’re all skank-ho-bitches!” Actually, she just says she and Travis are more subtle and comfortable in their own skin. Although from the looks of it, Travis was pretty comfortable in Moanica’s skin in Venice. For those reasons, PlainSaraH just thinks she’s a better match for Travis than either Moanica or Susan. Travis is really impressed that PlainSaraH made her point without badmouthing the other girls, because he doesn’t ever want to be with someone who would badmouth someone for being different. Looks like I’m finally off of Travis’ list. Travis tells PlainSaraH he really respects her opinion, and is glad she’s there. “I might have lost a piece of myself if you weren’t here,” he says. PlainSaraH thinks that might be the best thing he’s told her since they’ve been there. That’s just sad. But it does get her the long, slow, deep, hard kisses her nether-regions have been aching for.
The final exotic date is with Master Thespian (Susan) in the French Alps. Travis is worried that Master Thespian might be acting when she’s around him. Is she saying the things she thinks he wants to hear, or what she’s really feeling? On this date, he plans to find out. Master T is excited when Travis says they’re going rock climbing, which makes Travis happy. Or is he acting? Travis doesn’t want to believe that MT is there for exposure, but when someone says they’ve lived in LA and want to move back to LA and want to do something on TV, it makes him wonder. Hey, doesn’t Moanica live in LA? And isn’t she on TV? I’m just sayin’Ã¢â‚¬Â¦ While they take a break on a log, Travis asks her point-blank if that’s why she’s there. The question upsets Master Thespian (or is she acting?!), and she tells him that’s the last reason she’s there. She’s a smitten kitten, remember?
After the rock climb, they hike to a clearing where there’s a small pot hanging above a campfire.
Susan: “There’s a huge pot.”
Travis: “Guess what’s in the pot?”
Susan: “What’s in the pot?”
Actually, it’s filled with hot mulled cider wine. Travis says they drink it hot so they can stay warm. BRILLIANT! Master Thespian asks Travis to make a toast. “To the first of many rock climbing adventures,” he says. To paraphrase Beauty and the Geek’s Tristin, that Travis is no Don Juan DeMarco. Continuing the inquisition, Travis says some of the other women had told him after she’d kissed him for the first time, she bragged about it like it was a competition she’d won. She denies it, and tells Travis this isn’t a game to her, and she loves every minute they’re together. Travis seems reassured by her answers. Unless he’s acting!
Later that evening, they enjoy a fondue dinner at the hotel. Travis tells us he’s hoping they can relax now, and just be themselves. The true test tonight is if he gets to see the real Susan. Real, of course, meaning nekid. Travis tells Susan he loves the fact that she can go rock climbing in the day and clean up so well at night. He also tells her he wanted to bring her to the Alps to see how she does in a relaxing environment. (Which is why he made her go rock climbing and subjected her to two rounds of interrogation.) Master Thespian, it turns out, loves to be in relaxing environments. In fact, she’s quite the homebody, that Master Thespian. What a coincidence. Travis says he loves women who disagree with him. He likes to be called out when he’s wrong or inappropriate. Amazingly, that’s one of her pet peeves too! She hates when people agree with everything you say. Nah, that’s not what Travis wanted to hear at allÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Master T admits to being nervous, but takes the plunge and tells Travis she’s falling in love with him. In a great bit of editing, you can actually hear Travis gulp when she says it. And if people feel she’s not ready for a relationship like this (she’s talking to YOU, mother!) it’s “bleep”. Despite all this, Travis still invites her to the Fantasy Suite. And really, can you blame him? She’s far and away the best looking ho-peful left, and since he’ll be cutting her at the next Rose Ceremony, this is his only chance to make the beast with two backs. In this case, it’s a water-beast, as they head out to the hot tub and start making out.
They are so totally doing it.
With all the exotic dates over, it’s time to head back to Paris for the Rose Ceremony. Host Chris Harrison greets the Bachelor with an insincere “Hey Trav, what’s going on?” Host Chris Harrison is a tool. Travis says he’s confused and he’s sad and it hurts him that he’s going to have to send someone home and essentially break their heart. So Host Chris Harrison tells Travis to take a look at the videotaped messages from each of the girls. Moanica says their date in Venice was “undeniably amazing”. PlainSaraH says they’re perfect for each other. Master Thespian says she had an “absolutely amazing” time on their date. Amazing.
Travis says the hardest thing to do in a relationship is to break up with someone. Obviously, Travis has never asked a girl if he can stick in it her pooper. But, he has to break up with someone tonight, and he can’t second-guess his decision. And that decision is to give roses to Moanica and PlainSaraH. Smell ya later, Master Thespian!
Ladies, here’s your chance to nominate EdHill.
Travis walks Susan out of the room. “You are amazing,” he tells her. And he admits to not knowing if he made the right decision or not. So much for not second-guessing himself. She asks why he let her go, and he says it’s because things just felt more “formal” with her and he didn’t get to know her as well as he did the other two women. Based on the hot tub footage, he’s obviously not using “know” in the Biblical sense. In the limo, Master Thespian goes off: “This is ridiculous,” she cries. “I got dumped because I’m formal?! What does that even mean? I try to keep myself in control and professional, and that apparently is a detriment to who I am. We had a lot of chemistry together.” Yeah, so does DuPont.
So what do you think of Travis’ decision? Did he keep the right B’ettes? Was Susan sincere about her feelings, or was she just acting?