Right up front, I’ll admit I’ve never watched an episode of The Bachelor before. (Or The Bachelorette, for that matter.) Which made me a little apprehensive about recapping the show, as I know how seriously some of you take your snark. But when have I ever let my unfamiliarity with a show stop me from making fun of it? Besides, this means I finally get to recap a show that 1) people actually watch, and 2) isn’t centered around the contestants’ fat asses or Vince McMahon’s fat head, which, as anyone who’s ever watched RAW knows, is pretty much the same thing.
But enough about me. Do you smell rotting eggs? Then let’s get this recap started. This season is being billed as “The Most Romantic Bachelor Ever”. Which makes me glad I haven’t wasted my time watching all the less romantic seasons that came before this one. And just why is this one so romantic? Because it takes places at Paramount’s Kings Island amusement park. Not really, although the way the French have whored up their Eiffel Tower with all the Christmas lights you’d be hard pressed to tell the difference. Especially women as well-traveled as this group. When driving by the Tower, one of them (I’m not sure which, and really, does it even matter?) screeched, “It’s even better than the one in Vegas!”
Evidently, the producers have also found “The Most Impressive Bachelor Ever!” Ã¢â‚¬” Stork, Travis Stork. Graduated Magna cum laude at Duke, top of his class in med school and now an ER doctor in Nashville, where he’s saved the lives of hundreds of people. However, as Host Chris Harrison later asks, “As an ER doctor, Travis has held many hearts in his hands. But can he handle 25 at one time?” Too bad Travis isn’t an OB/GYN, because I’d love to hear where Host Chris Harrison would take that analogy.
Other than meeting Travis and the Bachelorettes (wouldn’t that be a fun name for a sock-hop band?), not a lot happened in tonight’s episode. The first 30 minutes were spent meeting 25 women. The second 30 were spent eliminating 13 of them. Oh, and some horny oncologist went batshit crazy because Dr. McDreamy wouldn’t breed her.
While Host Chris Harrison and Travis wait outside the 14th century French chateau where this season takes place, the limos start to arrive. There are five women to each limo, which makes it next to impossible to understand a word they’re saying as they pull up. Fortunately, they get out one at a time to meet the man they hope to bed.
First up is Susan, a financial associate, which to me just sounds like a fancy way of saying gold digger, but whatever. Next is Cortney, who calls Travis “Prince Charmink.” I hope she stays, because her eastern European “g” should provide me with a lot of comic fodder. Kyle is out next. The only reason I mention her (because this is the last time she’s ever seen) is because she’s a senior copywriter, just like me! Alas, ABC calls her a “Copy Writer”, which is a lot like calling Travis a “Doc Tor”. Rounding out Limo #1 are April, who tried to pull a Cinderella and dropped her shoe, and Jehan, whose name sounds too much like “Jihad” to be taken seriously. Plus she sells vitamins, which everyone knows are totally overrated.
Limo #2 gives us Kristen, a drunk hugger with a teeth fixation (good thing this isn’t The Bachelor: London); Jennifer, a model; Tara, a potential psycho and bonafide dirty girl; Venus, a physician; and Moana, who wins the prize for Busiest “Perfect Date” description: “Sitting in a museum, going to watch a hockey match, laughing on a street bench over coffee, flying a plane, listening to music, but most importantly, laughing”, and Frankensteiniest “Perfect “Mate” description: “Looks like the ’06 version of Gregory Peck with a little bit of the Knoxville gruff and has the wit of Luke Wilson, charisma of Tom Cruise, humility and strength of Robert Redford and the alternative edge of John Cusack.” Hope she’ll settle for Travis.
In the third limo we get Cole; the first of three Saras (although she’s the only one without an H); Lisa; Princess, one of the few non-Caucasians who’ll no doubt be gone by night’s end; and Liza. All in all, a pretty boring limo.
Before the fourth limo arrives, Host Chris Harrison informs Travis that he needs to eliminate 13 of the women tonight. No pressure, though. The fourth limo pulls up and we get SaraH, a kindergarten teacher from Nashville, just like Travis! Kathy, a grad student is next, followed by Jaime, who says she’s from southern west Virginia. Or maybe she said southern West Virginia. I honestly wasn’t paying attention. Elizabeth, a social worker from Windham, New Hampshire, is introduced next. (Note to sg-dub: if the social workers in Connecticut look like this, it might be worth having EdHill make an anonymous complaint to child services.) The last bachelorette to emerge is Yvonne, who wins the prize for Best “Perfect Date” description: “Being with someone who did nothing to annoy me.” Oddly enough, that’s pretty close to the vows my wife wrote for our wedding.
The final limo gives us, in quick succession: Shiloh, an advertising manager and lover of private jets; Ali D, a professional NBA dancer; Stephanie, a PR director; Allie, a psycho oncologist who’d be more at home on Nip/Tuck; and finally SaraH-eh?, a student from Manitoba.
Travis is really gunning to get in to the ongoing party, but before he goes in Host/Wingman Chris Harrison tells him he can hand out one Immunity Rose during the party to the woman he wants to stay. He also calls dibs on Travis’ sloppies.
Once Travis finally enters the room, the girls go silent. (I know, I couldn’t believe it either!) Jennifer tells us she thinks he’s ridiculously gorgeous, and that they’d make “hot little babies”. (Maybe EdHill should call Children’s Services on her.) Travis starts making his rounds (ah, doctor humor), telling one group of women it must get boring talking about at him at some point. For me, that point is long past.
After he reveals he’s a doctor, however, things start to get a bit more interesting. And by interesting, I mean we see the first crack in Allie’s thin veneer of sanity. See, she thinks she’s a shoo-in because she’s also a doctor. (I believe she practices at Arkham Asylum.) Unfortunately, she fails to see the one fatal flaw in her plan: she’s certifiably insane. “I’m here to meet a husband,” she tells us. “And hopefully, the bachelor will be that guy. Because quite frankly, my eggs are rotting.” Great. Now every time I visit Yellowstone Park I’m going to think of Allie’s rotten cooter.
One of the harpies says Travis has doctor’s hands. Which as we all know means he also has a really big scalpel. Outside, some of the women visit with Travis on the balcony. SaraH asks why he’s still single. “The easy answer,” he tells her, “is that I just haven’t met the one.” The hard answer, of course, is “E=MC2.”
Not-crazy-Ali tells Travis she’s looking for a manly man who can chop wood. Coincidentally, Travis tells her he has some wood that’s in need of chopping. In his pants!
Kristin spends her alone time with Travis giving him a shot glass from her hometown. She’s also written a bit of verse: “Dear Travis, I hope you and I get a ‘shot’ at getting to know each other.” You know, cuz it’s a shot glass? Too bad she didn’t give him a Bible, cuz then she could’ve said she hopes to get to know him in the Biblical sense.
Moana and Travis are seen talking outside. Later, Moana tells us “he asked me a question, and he seemed actually interested in the answer. That’s kind of a first for a man.” Evidently Moana’s never been propositioned at last call before.
Meanwhile, some random man brings the Immunity Rose into the room. And just like that, the competition is on. When Travis comes back in, he tells the women the secret of the Immunity Rose, which gets Yvonne all fired up. When Allie tries to talk to Travis about their medical backgrounds, Yvonne interrupts and then just sits there. From the strained look on Allie’s face, I think she was trying to give Yvonne head cancer. Allie then tells Travis she’s ready to move on to the “reproductive stage” of her life. “So, if that seems to match your goals, then I’m here,” she finishes, delivering what has to be the “Most Romantic Bachelor Pickup Line Ever!”
Back outside, SaraH-eh? tells Travis she loves camping. This is good, because Travis loves women who love camping, which SaraH-eh? thinks is “wicked”. Other things SaraH-eh? thinks are wicked: witches.
Finally, Travis spends a few moments with Susan, who was the first to arrive. She instantly hits it off with the good doc, which of course makes the other women start sharpening their claws. I hope the producers didn’t spend a lot of money on drapery for this show.
Afterward, Travis picks up the Immunity Rose. Instead of handing it to Susan, however, he goes outside and gives it to SaraH-eh? SolidGold-Ali spies on them through the window and tells the other women he’s giving the rose to SaraH-eh?. Judging by the looks on the other bachelorettes’ faces, I don’t think SaraH-eh? will live to see the morning.
Oh look, it’s Host Chris Harrison, who comes in glass a’tinklin’ and nose a’twichin’. Must be time for the real Rose Ceremony. But wait, there’s a twist! For the first time in the show’s history, more than half of the bachelorettes will be eliminated tonight. Snap!
Travis gives a nice speech to cheer up the potential losers. “Tonight has been beyond my wildest imagination,” he says. “But at the same time, it’s been very difficult, because 13 of you aren’t going to get roses.” Or the chance to play doctor with Stork, Travis Stork.
The Rose Ceremony is next, where Travis asks the women he’d like to stay if they’ll accept his rose. Personally, I liked the Pearl Necklace Ceremony on Joe Schmoe better, but that’s just because I’m an incurable romantic at heart.
In addition to SaraH-eh?, who got the first Immunity Rose, Travis also gives roses to Cole, Moana, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Shiloh, Yvonne, Jihad, Susan, Tara, Sara and Kristin.
“I wore a girdle for this?”
But what about Allie, she of the decomposing ovaries and stanky hooha? She’s as shocked as I am that she didn’t get picked. Although not for the same reasons. She thought Travis would keep her for her breeding stock; I thought the producers would make Travis keep her for the ratings. Fortunately, we still have Crazy-Eyes Killah Tara.
While the rest of the women start hugging goodbye, LunaticFringe-Allie puts on the type of display that TVgasm was made for. “I cannot believe he chose some of those women over me,” she tells the camera. So I guess she can believe he picked some of the others. “I dedicated my life toward my career, and he doesn’t choose that. Just like every other man I know. It’s a double-edged sword.” In her case, I think it’s more of a rusty spoon, but whatever.
Outside, the tirade continues. “The only reason I came on this show was because conventional methods weren’t working,” she cries to TotallySane-Ali. “I told him I was ready to get my reproductive life going. Because that’s the only reason to get married is to have kids.”
Okay, as a non-breeding happily married man, I have to disagree with that last statement. And, evidently, so does Mortified-Ali, who tells Allie “that’s just your opinion.”
“NO!,” insists Allie. “He’s in his 30′sÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ He should be willing and ready to proceed with that part of his life. And that part is tapping this fine ass before my liquefied eggs seep through my pores!”
Wow. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen someone on TV so intent on mating since this guy.
Not content with bitching at the other women, Allie goes off in search of Travis and challenges him straight up, ala early Paula Abdul, why he didn’t choose her: “Am I not attractive?” she demands. “Am I too short? Are my boobs too small?” I’m surprised she didn’t ask, “If you prick me, will I not breed?”
Travis tries to be diplomatic about it, but finally gives up. Too bad they’re not in a castle, because he could’ve had security throw her in the moat. As it is, he watched her storm off into the night like a hound of the Baskervilles. Only more rabid.
Back outside, Alli says she thinks she should stop dating, and maybe join a convent. Yeah, like the nuns are going to take her. “He’s just like every stupid doctor I know,” she says. “He’s intimidated by a professional woman. Maybe I just won’t date any more.” I don’t think that will be a problem once America sees this, Allie.
While Allie is left fuming in the garden, Travis gathers his harem and they toast to the upcoming season.
Oh yeah, as the final credits are running, they show Allie berating some poor production assistant about Travis. “I don’t know him,” the schlep tries to tell her, but it’s to no avail. “I guess I shouldn’t have talked about reproducing,” she says as we go off the air.