It’s Not Miss Congeniality, It’s The Bachelor

The Bachelor

By Guest Columnist | Tuesday, May 10, 2005 | 1:01 am | 13 Comments

bachelor_logo [jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

So sayeth Anitra during one of many pointless clips shown throughout last night’s Women Tell All special. I couldn’t decide if that would make a better title or Geitan’s remark that, “These are Bitchelorettes, not Bachelorettes!” We join Chris Harrison in the most work that he’s had to do all season, as he introduces 10 from the reject pile. It was nice to see familiar faces like Danushka (sans sunglasses) and Kara, who in case you forgot, is a single mom, as stated underneath her name to remind everyone. Was it me or was this whole beginning akin to an episode of Jerry Springer?While everyone else dressed to the nines, Megan showed up in a grey Gap-ish top that read “Brunette is the new blonde.” Hmm, is that why you went and dyed your hair BLONDE during this season of the show? Oh wait, that’s right, you did that in order to impress Charlie. The fact that she’s now back to her brunette roots only affirms that fact. Sad that she felt she had to justify her natural haircolor by printing out a cheesy message on her t-shirt.

The claws came out immediately on Kerry, whom I barely even remember being on the show. The girls attacked her for being a loud drunk and talking about people behind their backs, while she claimed the other girls despised her for getting the very first rose from Charlie. Even Chris Harrison sharpened his nails when he congratulated Kara and Megan for being the first ever girls to be dumped by the bachelor on an individual date. Smarmy, much?

If that wasn’t enough to bring up your dinner, we were then introduced to Kara’s daughter who was sitting in the audience. Um, exactly how old was Kara when she had her child? 14? This child looks like she’s ready to start junior high! All kidding aside, she was a lovely child. I’m sure the two have witty banter back and forth a la The Gilmore Girls.

Kristine, the self-confessed secret agent/psycho goth girl, was next to take the hot seat. She told everyone that her job was top secret and she wasn’t at liberty to speak about it. Hence, she was on network television speaking about it.

Kimberley aka Whore of Edmonton entered the room with her two friends, Left and Right. Chris remarked that someone ought to buy her a shirt, as she was sporting another half top? Bikini? Bra? Hammock?

Fellow Edmontonian Jenny tore into Kimberley by saying that she wanted people to know that there was more to Canada than bathing suits and being half-dressed. Ah yes, thanks Jenny for debunking all those stereotypes out there, because you know that when people think of Canada, the first things that come to mind are bathing suits and being half-dressed. Those cheeky Inuit!! There’s nothing like walking around your igloo in a pink thong! In the end though, Kimberley chalked up her rejection to being too wild for Charlie to handle. At least she didn’t say it was because she was too beautiful and needed to be uglier – paging Sarah Dubya!

Lo and behold, Sarah Dub then made her entrance to a welcoming of terse smiles and zero eye contact from the rest of the girls. If you thought they were harsh on Kimberley, she was merely the scratching post for these women to sharpen their teeth on just in time for Sarah Dub. Kindle, who was pretty forgettable during the show, spunked right up during this Tell All and man did she ever look like she was gonna get up and beat the crap out of Sarah Dub right there on stage! She called Sarah fake, fickle, and horrible. Seriously though, was she or was she not cracking her knuckles in anticipation? Her tag team partner, Anitra, chimed in to tell her she wasn’t nearly as attractive as she thought she was.

Pseudo European Danushka made her second “you’re too fat, you should have gone to the gym” comment of the evening to Sarah Dub (earlier, it was aimed at Kimberley). Is Danushka some kind of fitness guru? Stop the insanity! But don’t stop the bickering, bring it on! In fact, bring Jen Scheft into the mix and let the hounds go wild! They’d chew her up and spit her out and then chew her right up again! I have to do a double take at this moment because gosh darn it, I think I’m actually enjoying this episode!

Chris Harrison humiliated Sarah Dub even further by re-showing her idiotic comments from the week before, when she told the world that if only she were uglier, maybe Charlie would have kept her around. It was like throwing a T-bone at a pack of wolves. The girls laughed and attacked Sarah Dub for her comments, arguing inner vs outer beauty with Sarah Dub confusing everyone; Danushka nodded her head sarcastically while chiding, “Poor Sarah!” but it was Anitra who delivered the smackdown with her “I feel sorry for you” speech that included the spot-on line about Sarah Dub’s “self-imposed supremacy that is spewed on everyone – it’s sickening.” One, Two, Three, you’re out! Chris tried to give Sarah Dub the last word, but the girls would have none of that. He eventually had to break up the lynch mob and cut to commercial.

Upon return, the bachelor himself, Charlie, came out to greet everyone. Sarah Dub asked him when exactly did he lose the connection with her and he basically told her that he felt she was putting on an act. Twenty minutes later, she was still trying to process this. I thought there’d be more with him in the range of fire, but he quickly made his escape with 15 minutes left in the show!

Bah, what a rip-off. It’s just 15 minutes of scenes from next week. WTF! Okay, so Krisily and Sarah B. get to continue their relationships with Charlie out in the real world before he makes his decision at the Final Rose Ceremony next week.

Krisily and Sarah B. managed to send a video message to the girls. More specifically, they both had questions aimed at Sarah Dub. And here we thought the good parts were all over. First up was Sarah B. who asked why Sarah Dub told her that lie about Charlie knowing who the final four were already, and that it didn’t include Caroline Rhea’s doppleganger (i.e. Her). Sarah Dub’s response: Sarah B. is a foul-mouthed liar and made it all up in her head. As everyone rolled their eyes, including Chris Harrison, we watched Krisily ask Sarah Dub if she still blamed her for Charlie sending her home. Her response: yes, she does! She claimed a breakdown in the house was caused by Krisily and her leading the “I Hate Sarah” fan club. Hmm, and I thought I was the leader of that?

Did you feel sorry for Sarah Dub after the beating she took? Nah, me neither. So next week is the season finale. Who will he pick? Sarah B. or Krisily? I’m going for Sarah B.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    Lisa
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 6:00 am

    Did anyone think Sarah Dub’s boobs looked bigger? She obviously stuffed her bra with those silicone falsies (aka chicken cutlets). Is she thinks she so friggin perfect, why the need to stuff!! I guess after seeing her awful boy body plastered on TV, people might mistake her for a has been from an 80′s hairband. WTF was she wearing? She might be a skinny chick, but Danushka is right– hit the gym B*tch, your flabby thighs even scare my 10 year old! And alas the award for being –Dumber than Dirt– still goes out to Kimberly, proving that the bigger the boobs are , no one pays attention to how your low IQ is.

  2. 2
    jillie
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 6:14 am

    I loved all the outtakes with Charlie- he’s a total doofus, but actually, I think he said some pretty funny things. Also, I thought Kara’s daughter was beautiful (seriously- this little girl could be a model) and poised – only 9 years old!

  3. 3
    Jess
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 6:33 am

    This was definitely one of the best episodes of this show ever. So many great quotes. I made lots of “hoo hoooo!” and “Oooohhhhhh! snap!” sounds. I think I enjoyed most when Dub admitted that she gained weight while on the show. Not like I care that she DID, but it was her one concession to not being perfect, and boy howdy, did I love that.

    I think….he’ll pick…..oh, god, I don’t know, and I don’t care. It’s entertaining TV–that’s all I ask!

    Thanks again for the recaps, Jaded Bitch!

  4. 4
    Liz
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 6:35 am

    Did anyone else notice how at the end of the show the girls all got up to hug and Sara W. just stood there on the outside of the circle. That was too funny. I guess everyone was just too intimidated by her beauty.

  5. 5
    mariana
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 6:42 am

    She looks like a demented Tina Yothers (jennifer from ‘Family Ties’).. “but my mommy says i’m pretty!’ when one has to convince others of their beauty, it only means one thing.. INSECURITY!!!

  6. 6
    Gotsum
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 8:44 am

    Damn did Sarah W’s mom do a number on her.
    “Mom no one likes me”
    “Oh darling its cuz you are so beautiful and they are all jealous”

    “Mom I feel mean & ugly on the inside”
    “Oh honey no one looks on the inside so dont worry cuz you are so pretty the world is YOUR oyster”

    Yeah unless of course ya start to smell……….
    from the inside out.

  7. 7
    moonman
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 9:37 am

    Kimberly (boobs) has to be the dumbest girl on the show. When the girls were ripping into her, she just sat there with a look on her face like she couldn’t understand some of the “big” words the girls were using.

    This whole show is bad, but out of all of the seasons, this one has been the most entertaining just because girls are funny when fighting for a guy. This “no rules” would not be very interesting if it was the bachelorette, unless they took away the “no hitting” rule. That would be some good tv.

  8. 8
    mountain girl
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 9:43 am

    Personally, I really, really wanted the producers to queue up the footage of her telling Sarah B about the final 4. Stone cold busted, bi-atch!

    How someone can be that self righteous and that delusional is beyond me.

    I’m pulling for Sarah B, but I think the big detractor for her is the fact that she has her own life, house, job, etc. While Krisily is a salon coordinator (read: answers the phone and sweeps up hair) for her cousin. Can you even imagine Krisily at some sort of Hollywood party? Even if it is just a bunch of D-List actors?

  9. 9
    ldini79
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 9:44 am

    did anyone else let out a huge “wtf?!!” when they showed a preview of sarah dub saying she hoped charlie would end up with krisily, only to be majorly disappointed when she said it’s because guys like a girl who worships the ground they walk on…apparently, not only is she insanely deluded about her looks and everyone’s opinion of her, but she also has no clue what makes a lasting relationship. gee, wonder how such a great catch like her ended up trying to whore herself out on reality tv?

  10. 10
    yamamam
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 9:48 am

    I think Charlie is the best Bachelor yet. He already has the half-fame thing going on. He makes fun of the girls, and you get a feeling he (hopefully) is not going to propose to the winner. If he does, it is just for show. He is honest enough to say that he basically kept kimberly around because she was hot. Yes, he is Jerry’s little sidekick, but he knows that. Why else would he bring up Jerry all the time.

  11. 11
    Jess
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 10:13 am

    Oooh, and what about all the talk about Sarah W.’s “rotation” of dates? Like one of the girls commented, I wonder what’s gonna happen to that rotation NOW, since she aired it and was so cocky about it.

    And poor, sweet Kimberly. She DID have a dumb look on her face the whole time they were trash-talking her. I couldn’t tell if she figured there was no point in battling back or if she just didn’t get it. I think she just refused to give them good TV. Sarah W., though….yowza!

    I, too, wish they’d cued up the tape of Dub telling Lil’ B about the final four….so many missed opportunities!

  12. 12
    LauriL
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 10:47 am

    Anitra’s speech to Dub was priceless. Loved it, way to tell off that delusional, shallow beeyoch.
    And the “rotation of dates”??? WTF???!!!
    So she whores it up for men she only marginally likes in exchange for a free dinner 5 times a week…and was actually proud of that?!
    One tiny step away from being a hooker. Way to go Dub, your parents sure taught you well!!!

  13. 13
    Victoria
    Posted May 10, 2005 at 11:24 pm

    Of course Sarah Dub has to whore herself for free meals. She’s an assistant fashion designer in L.A. Which bascially means she gets coffee and sweeps up the fabric remnants off the floor. I don’t think that pays very much, and rent in L.A. is expensive. If she was a good whore she’d have her rent paid for too.

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