Lost In Translation

This week on The Bachelor it’s time for the hometown visits, where Cousin Larry gets to meet the remaining B’ettes’ families. But since I already used Meet The Parents as the title for last season’s hometown visit episode, I couldn’t do it again. Even I’m not that lazy.

My finger is still in a huge splint, though, so while this week’s recap is a little shorter, it’s not because I don’t care. It’s just that I don’t care enough to work through the pain. Although I do care enough not to resort to another dreaded picture recap. Fortunately for us both, I have enough beer and peyote left over from Saturday’s Halloween party that I should be okay. What’s five or six hours of throbbing pain between friends? Besides my wedding night, of course. Remember that scene in Lost In Translation where Bill Murray’s character had trouble understanding everyone because he didn’t speak Sudanese? Me neither, since I never saw the movie. But based on its title, I imagine it went something like tonight’s episode. And not just because of the time Prince Lorenzo spent with The Italian’s family, none of whom could speak English. Because he also had trouble speaking Virginese with The Virgin’s family, Repetitious with Comrade Lisa’s Mom and Psychotish with Jennifer’s Dad.

The episode starts off with just a voiceover from Host Chris Harrison. It’s kind of disappointing not to see him, and just shows to go ya how you never know how much you miss someone until they’re gone. Kind of like Ken Lay. Sure, it’s sad he died before he got to be repeatedly ass-raped for stealing millions of dollars from poor retirees, but when he bit it I lost a huge source of ass-rape jokes.

Ah well, at least there’s still Whorica to pick on. Because in case you haven’t heard, she’ll be on tonight. Again. Over the course of tonight’s show, our little ray of sunshine gets plugged six or seven times. But it’s all good, as she’s used to getting plugged even more often than that. I’m really tired of her shtick, though, so I’m not giving her any more of my precious words.

Guys don’t make passes at girls in dumb glasses.

LBo’s first date is with The Virgin in Whale’s Vagina, California. She’s really looking forward to having LBo visit and meet the family on her home turf, although they’re both a little nervous. The Virgin tells Cousin Larry everything will be fine as long as he doesn’t say anything lame. Or mention the fact that she’s a virgin, because her family thinks she’s the town slut.

After meeting her friends and family, PBo tells us he was very impressed, and if they’re anything like The Virgin, they’ll be super easy to get along with, but near impossible to bang. At least on the first date.

“Meka leka hi meka hiney ho!”

Sitting in the living room, everyone makes some nice chitchat, and Mother Virgin seems to really like The Prince. Then The Virgin mentions their one-on-one date, where she got to fly PBo’s plane. Her mom is both flabbered and gasted that PBo is a pilot. And that Sadie was so eager to take control of his stick.

Mom wants to know what kind of characteristics PLB is looking for in a mate. He trots out the usual tired claptrap about honesty and trust and being best friends, although when it comes to The Virgin, he’d settle for a little stinky pinky.

In the kitchen, The Virgin tells her mom that Prince Lorenzo reminds her of Daddy. How so? The way he always makes sure you finish before he does. And he opens doors for her. He’s the kind of guy she’d be proud to have on her arm. Her mom says that’s a really big deal. Why? I mean, The Virgin might be proud to have Dick Cheney on her arm too, but that certainly doesn’t mean she’d marry him. Although she should probably think hard about that one, as he might end up shooting her in the face. With birdshot, people. Sheesh. This isn’t an EdHill recap. Before rejoining the party, Mom reminds Sadie to guard her heart. And her cooter.

Bonfire of the Virginities.

After dinner, Sadie takes PLo to Moonlight Beach. Sharing a blanket next to a bonfire, Cousin Larry asks if she’s trying to seduce him. “Oh, you think I’m trying to seduce you by taking you to a beach at night with a bonfire?” she asks. “No, because you have your hand down my pants.” A few smoochies, and the camera respectfully pans down to the fire, which has a huge hunka hunka burning wood in it. Yeah, that’s subtle.

Next, PBo visits Comrade Lisa in Portland. Of course, she reminds us again of her five-year plan. Except now she says she’s going to make it happen with Lorenzo. If he ends up cutting her, I hope he doesn’t have a pet bunny. Unless he likes the taste of rabbit, of course. In which case it still might work out for the best.

LBo says that Lisa is the first girl he had an emotional and physical attraction to, but he wants her to open up to him. “I’ve seen her show emotion toward the other girls, and I want her to start showing some to me.” Dude, I’d be happy with the whole “showing emotion with other girls” thing. Since you cut Baby Jane last week, Comrade Lisa is your best chance for a little hot girl-on-girl action. Maybe you should tell her tha’s part of your five-spank plan.

“I will not be ignored, you big silly.”

At Lisa’s apartment, they paint an Italian fresco on her sugar walls. And then Lisa’s friend Alli shows up with a wedding dress. Somehow she heard Comrade Lisa was in the final four and thought she might need it. Yeah, that was totally unplanned and spontaneous. Even better, the dress fits perfectly. What are the odds?

While Comrade Lisa is changing clothes, Alli asks PLB if she’s told him of her timeline. His response? To start drinking. A lot. And nobody even said “amazing.” Needless to say, Lorenzo is a little freaked out by the whole thing. He hasn’t even met her parents yet, and she’s already talking about their wedding. She also has a stack of wedding magazines on her table. He asks if there’s a theme going on here. Besides batshit crazy? Nah.

“I think I just sharted.”

Dinner with the family goes okay. Her dad says his daughter’s a planner. She’s made lists of things she wants to happen in her life, and one of those things is to get married and raise a family. Another is to top the BTK Killer’s record. Meanwhile, her mom takes PLB downstairs and runs him through a quick Pilates workout. Too bad her mom doesn’t teach Tantric sex. Lisa’s worried that her mom might be making LZo uncomfortable. Uhm, I think your dress and magazines took care of that long ago.

Jennifer lives in Miami. So she takes Cousin Larry fishing. Because that’s what they do in Miami. When they’re not dressing in pastels and doing shopping with Vinci! Jennifer even catches a baby shark. I couldn’t tell if it had a Dharma logo on it or not, though, but for the sake of this recap I’m just going to pretend it does. Because that means there’s still a chance that Henry Benjamin could drop in and torture the Prince. Or, at the very least, Michael and WAAAALLLLTT!!!! might sail by. After Jenn-Jenn kisses the sharky-shark, PBo gets all kissy-kissy with her. Guess he likes a girl who tastes like fish. Rimshot!

The Bachelor inches closer to jumping the shark…

Jennifer thinks she and Lorenzo have good chemistry, but she’s worried about her parents. She’s an only child, and they’ve never had to share her before. PBo, on the other hand, is worried about her dad’s gun collection. He should be worried about her dad, period. Jennifer says that she’s daddy’s little girl, and having dad approve of Lorenzo is vital to this whole situation. Evs. My dad still doesn’t approve of me, and look how well that’s turned out.

Her dad tells is it wouldn’t matter if LBo were an Italian prince, the King of England or the POTUS; they all still have to be worthy of his little princess. Notice how he didn’t mention Aragon? That’s because he can have any girl he wants. Sometimes it is good to be the King.

“This is my boomstick!”

Right away Dad starts grilling Lorenzo about his lineage. Larry admits that his Great Uncle Grandpa Pope just gave everyone in the family a title. Fortunately, his was Prince and not Lil Miss Prissy Pants, as his brother was stuck with. Next, he asks PBo if he’s ready to settle down and start a family. Needless to say, Larry’s a little nervous at this line of questioning. Not nearly nervous, however, as when Dennis whips out his gun. And a couple of rifles.

For the last family visit, PLB heads back to Italy to visit The Italian and her parents. She speaks a little broken English, which is still way more than any one else in her family does. Lorenzo enjoys being around her, but he’s still worried about the communication breakdown.

While walking through Venice, The Italian shows him the hospital where she was born, and the church where she wants to get married, She also tells him she doesn’t like the way the competition is going. And she certainly doesn’t like that he’s still seeing three other girls. Hate the game Agnasty, not the playah.

Before taking him to her home, she takes him on a gondola ride through Venice. He says it was a great choice, because he’s never been on a gondola ride. Oh yeah? Then how does he explain this?

He says he can’t imagine a more romantic thing to do with a more romantic woman, and then starts kissing all over her face. I’m not falling for the producer’s misdirection, though; there’s no way The Italian is getting a rose.

Larry is really nervous over the upcoming dinner, because nobody in Agnasty’s family speakada English. There are lots of awkward silences during the visit, which played out a lot better on the TV than they do here in a recap. PLB keeps repeating how much he wishes he could speak Italian. Or at the very least learn the secrets of the Italian tongue.

Outside, he and The Italian’s father share an awkward moment trying to talk about Agnasty. PLB says he just wants to speak slowly so Papa understands that he really likes his daughter and he has a lot of emotions toward her. Including a very chubby one he keeps in his pants. Good thing her dad doesn’t collect guns too.

After dinner, it’s time to dance. I guess that’s a European thing. mrs. copygodd has a friend back home who grew up in Hungary. A few years back, her cousin came over from the old country for a visit. As soon as we got done eating, she said it was time to dance. And then she went upstairs and changed clothes. It was all very weird, but since she was hot I forgave her. Seriously, I had no idea Commie women looked like that. Aren’t they all supposed to have moustaches?

Creepy McYikes.

At the door, LZo doesn’t want to leave, and starts licking Agnasty’s face, and keeps talking about how sad he is that the day has to end. He hasn’t been this affectionate with any of the other girls, including that time when Baby Jane gave him a handjob, which just makes my Spidey-sense tingle all the more over her impending doom.

Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Which means it’s time for tonight’s lone sighting of Host Chris Harrison. I hope he’s getting paid by the episode this season and not just screen time.

There are four girls left, but only three roses. Before handing them out, Cousin Larry says it’s another moment where he’s speechless. And then he goes on to make a five-minute speech about how hard a decision it was. Unfortunately, he has to send one of them home: it’s in his contract. “It’s going to hurt, and I’m sorry, but I have to.” That’s almost word-for-word what the ER doc said to me last week when he jammed my dislocated finger back in place, Except for the whole “I’m sorry” bit. Bastard.

“Don’t you forget about me.”

The first two roses, in order, go to The Virgin and Jennifer. No surprise there. The third and final rose goes to Comrade Lisa. Which means that The Italian is going home. Again, no surprise. At least not to me. Because I am that damn good.

Backstage, PLB seems more upset about cutting The Italian than she is over being cut. He spends some time with her afterward, and even starts to cry like a little bitch, So why did he cut her? He says it’s because of the whole language barrier, and how a couple needs to communicate to make a relationship work. Which just proves that he’s never been in a real relationship before. Everyone knows not communicating is the secret to every successful relationship. So while he blames it on language, I bet it has something to do with something her cooter.

14:57 and counting…

So, what did you think of tonight’s episode? Did Prince Lorenzo make the right decision? Is anyone else as anxious as I am for this season to be over?