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“I am one tasty guy.”
So tonight completes the group date charades and takes us through that last stretch before the four solo hometown dates. Or as Chris Harrison says, “Who will take an Officer and a Gentleman home to meet their parents?” I think we all already know. But let’s drag ourselves through this episode to see if we’re right, shall we? We start off at the marina where Mayo is on “his” yacht (Tina) doing pushups on some step railings – shirtless.
Oh, is this supposed to be telling us that Mayo is athletic? I had no idea. I kind of thought that he was into playing video games and writing poetry. I would have never guessed he was an athlete. Go figure. After all the stress of last night’s Rose Ceremony, Mayo is looking forward to relaxing with the gals today on the water. So it seems they all get to visit his home this time and see the yacht he bought with his enormous military salary (Tina). The limo pulls up and Amber applauds. Again with the applause for Mayo when all he does is exist. Stop it, Amber. We learn that no roses will be distributed on the group dates this week, so we have to wait for The Ceremony to see who DORs.
And it’s anchors aweigh as the yacht pulls out into the Pacific. All the girls are wearing huge earrings with their bathing suits, as usual. Stephanie Kansas can hardly express how metaphysically wonderful it is to be on the yacht with all of the sights and smells. There are actually pelicans and seals – oh my gosh, this is incredible! The girls all squeal when a seal jumps and they see a bunch of them on a buoy. One of the savants even says, “That’s what my dog looks like!” No honey, that’s not what your dog looks like. Your dog has four legs, fur and lives on dry land. Stop talking. Unless you want to say that one of the seals looks like The Bachelor – that I would listen to.
“Hey, that seagull looks just like my hamster!”
Mayo gathers the three brunettes around him (Tessa, Tina and Amber) and one of them asks him what his pet peeves are. He says he doesn’t like smoking, but he’s pretty low maintenance. Riveting. Tessa hates it when someone walks with thin socks on a rug. I’m no psychologist, but I would call that a little high maintenance. It’s going to be a long irritating life, Tessa. Amber’s pet peeve is when people clap in movie theaters. Oh really, Amber? My pet peeve is when idiots clap in limousines because a guy is standing there. It’s just as stupid. Hmm, maybe more stupid. Now Tina brings the conversation to a screeching halt by telling Mayo that he has something in his teeth. Then she actually fishes it out with her fingernails. I wish I were kidding. That is one of the grossest, most awkward things I’ve ever seen on this show and that is saying a lot. Get your freaking hands out of his mouth, that is disgusting! And Mayo just sits there like a four-year-old letting her do it! No one knows what to do or say next and so Tessa tells a blonde joke. Whatever. Does anyone have any potent mouthwash?
Mayo heads to another part of the yacht to chat with the blondes (Sulky Bevin, Stephanie Kansas and Gloomy Danielle). The good news is that Sulky Bevin isn’t bawling over her major injury, but the bad news is that she immediately lures Mayo away with her in some kayaks out onto the water. Of course Gloomy Danielle and Stephanie Kansas are not happy about this. They’ve already endured an entire group date that turned into a Bevin-coddling session of epic proportions. Now they get to watch again from afar as Mayo and Bevin bond on their own. Sulky Bevin whines to the camera that she doesn’t think she should have to date a guy who is dating a bunch of other women, and she deserves a guy who only wants to date her. Well, Bevin, then you shouldn’t have come on The Bachelor. Certainly you’ve seen how the show works. It’s like the retards who go on America’s Next Top Model and have nervous breakdowns when they have to get a haircut. THIS IS WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR! Enough! Gloomy Danielle even complains a little to the camera that it’s hard to watch other girls flirt with Mayo. Tessa tells us that when things get competitive with guys she usually backs down. To illustrate this point, we see the three brunettes piled on top of each other sound asleep on the yacht. That is precisely what I would be doing, I must say.
The brunettes demonstrate their feelings for Mayo.
Meanwhile Bevin plays the predator. Once she and Mayo are done kayaking and are back on the yacht she straddles him and proceeds to suck his face off. Gross. Mayo confessionals that this has been fun and all, but now he has to concentrate on his heart and his emotions and it’s only going to get harder from here on out. Spoken like a true Bachelor reading the cue cards.
Later back at the house a date box arrives. The note is for Stephanie Kansas and it says, “Bring your palate for a night of pleasure. Love, Mayo.” Sulky Bevin is not pleased. Well, maybe if she’d quit hogging the group dates she’d get chosen for a single date. Stephanie Kansas goes into the usual pre-date flutter and starts to redo her eye makeup. On his way over, Mayo tells us that he is worried because Stephanie Kansas has her guard up and he wants to find out more about why she’s here and more importantly, what she thinks of him. It turns out that the date will consist of the two experimenting with wine and mixing flavors to come up with their very own blend. I guess that’s cool if you’re into wine – which I’m not, so it would be a lame date for me. I’d much rather blend a new perfume, or even better, a new flavor of potato chips. All I can do is dream. The wine is in all these oversized test tubes and beakers as if it’s some scientific process when in reality all that happened is the guy who works there opened three bottles of whine and let them pour however much they wanted into empty glasses. Very educational indeed. Mayo does doctor talk, saying, “25 cc’s of cabernet.” And then what, Mayo? Inject directly into Stephanie’s heart and kiss twice daily? No thanks. Mayo actually goes on, saying that this wine blending is actually a metaphor for romantic relationships – you know, take a little bit of Mayo and a little bit of tuna fish… oops I mean Stephanie, and the result is something that “tastes beautiful, like you. We’re a pretty good blend.” Yes he really says that to her. While winking. Maybe the winking was in my head, but it fits. Why couldn’t they make potato chips? The next thing they get to do is make a label for their wine. But they do it on a grand scale, meaning they get a huge canvas to work with which will later be reduced down into a label for the bottle. Now I’m really mad it’s not potato chips. I could make the coolest potato chip bag label depicting a delicious blend of Mayo and Honey Gangsta.
These dorks basically just finger paint a huge mess and put their names on it. But not before they each dip a palm in paint and place it over their own hearts, then peck. I can’t even begin to ponder on how stupid that was.
At the house another date box arrives. Amber hopes she gets the individual date. Pay attention, Amber! You had the individual date last week. Greedy, greedy, greedy. The note is for Amber, Tina, Sulky Bevin and Gloomy Danielle. “It’s time to get down and dirty for a good cause. Love, Mayo.” Oh no. Please don’t tell me we are back to “down and dirty.” I can’t take it anymore. Is there any activity that Mayo doesn’t describe as down and dirty? We know he likes a girl who can get down and dirty so he just couldn’t leave it alone. Meanwhile this means that Tessa gets the individual date. Sulky Bevin pouts and complains. Then she explains to the camera that she wants an individual date because she has some big news for Mayo. And that big news is… she’s divorced! Uh oh, this might be an even bigger deal than Sadie being a virgin last season – but I doubt it. Being a virgin isn’t something a guy can be expected to easily digest, whereas divorce… eh, whatever – at least she’s experienced. Anyway, Sulky Bevin’s main concern is that if she ends up with a hometown date she may have to interrupt it to explain all this to Mayo.
Mayo is still over at the Build-A-Wine Workshop trying to pry some information out of Stephanie Kansas. This is actually one of those memorable conversations, so I’m going to re-create it right here:
M: Tell me about your dreams.
S: My dreams? My dreams? I have many a dreams, I would say.
M: When you get out of bed in the morning, like what’s driving you?
S: Uuuuuum, I don’t know, just… career wise, family wise, um, there are a lot of things that I look forward to. It’s all about experiences.
M: What are you looking forward to most in your career?
S: I mean… I don’t know, um…
Wow Stephanie, that’s some pretty interesting stuff there. Everything would have been totally saved if she had just said, “I dream of getting down and dirty.” Okay, to be fair, I hate it when people ask me about things like a five-year-plan, or what my major career goal is because I, like many of my generation, have no idea. I do however, know how to carry on a conversation – particularly when I’m trying to impress someone. There is always something to discuss; I’ve pried life stories out of deaf mutes – it’s possible. Mayo attributes Stephanie’s deer-in-headlights reaction to her age. She’s only 23; she can’t be expected to answer simple questions about her life. No Mayo, that’s not it. She’s just a little vacant. And you ask dumb questions. The combination is lethal. I’m surprised he didn’t ask if she’s ever dated a doctor or someone in the military. I bet she could have come up with yes or no to both of those. They wrap up this useless conversation by deciding to live life to the fullest or something equally lame and Stephanie confessionals that she is really disappointed in herself for not opening up more.
At home Amber has summoned Sulky Bevin to an inquisition at the bottom of the stairs. She wants to know why Bevin is so sulky. I think that this conversation actually took place directly following last week’s Rose Ceremony and I’m attributing that theory to Bevin’s hairdo, but anyway, Amber is in some kind of skimpy nighty with yet another pair of gargantuan earrings. Bevin whines that she feels insecure because she is just way too old for all of this nonsense. She’s 28. At least she says she’s 28. I know there has been speculation as to her real age because let’s just say she doesn’t look like a spring chicken. And all this fretting about being too old for this (when she’s still two years younger than Mayo) is leading me to believe that she may be a bit older than she’s let on. So Bevin tells Amber that she (Bevin) shouldn’t be dating a guy who may be interested in a 23-year-old, meaning Amber. Because when Bevin was 23 she was nowhere near ready to settle down (even though it sounds like she already had once). Amber says that’s not fair because she’s definitely ready to settle down and here is her proof: She basically raised her siblings from the age of 11, meaning she cooked them dinner every night and that makes her more mature than any other 23-year-old ever. Um, no it doesn’t actually. It doesn’t really mean anything except that maybe you can whip up a 30-minute-meal better than I can. Bevin isn’t buying it. She knows how 23-year-olds are and they’re not ready to settle down. Whatever, you’re both idiots who have come on television to find a husband. Let’s cool it with the accusations of just who is more mature. It’s like arguing over who’s smarter. The more you argue, the more you lose your own case. Now Bevin has a serious (and very mature) bawl-fest to the camera saying how stupid she feels dating someone who is dating other people. That’s okay to do when you’re 23, but for crying out loud, she’s way too old for this. Especially when she could be at home dating someone who is only interested in her. She shouldn’t be putting herself through this when the chances are – she won’t win. DESPERATE. IDIOT. I have to say I completely agree, Bevin. And guess what. You’re going to feel even worse when you watch all this and realize what an annoying brat you’ve been through the whole thing. At least some of the more “immature” girls carried this off with some grace.
“Ridiculous! Embarrassing! Desperate!”
That’s correct, Bevin.
The next day Mayo comes to pick up the girls to go get down and dirty. He drives them over to an elementary school where there is a playground waiting to be beautified. Sulky Bevin predicts they will do something productive. Wow – mature and brilliant? How could any man refuse? A lady comes out to explain that they will be painting, planting trees, and basically making a better environment for the children and you can tell she’s wondering what on earth these morons are going to come up with. She flees right away. While the girls unload all of the heavy equipment, Mayo talks to the camera saying that volunteer work is very important to him and he’s looking for the same in his future wife. Why don’t we finally just say it? Mayo wants to marry himself. He’s not looking for a unique individual with her own interests and priorities; he just wants a clone of Mayo. I think if he passed an unexpected mirror he would try to give his reflection a rose. Why make life interesting by marrying another person when you can save everyone a lot of trouble and just marry yourself? By the way, that would also be a killer Final Rose Ceremony.
The girls pretend to care about their service project and compete with each other to show just who is the most charitable. Amber confessionals that she loves how Mayo wants to give back to the community and if she gets a hometown date she’ll show him how she gives back to the community by teaching. Yes, we’ll all be very impressed Amber. Mayo and Amber cheer and high five when they successfully pot a plant. Good thing they’re not in a movie theater right now or Amber would be peeved. Gloomy Danielle is painting a mural on the side of the school building and she confessionals that she’s just waiting for Sulky Bevin to ruin the date by hogging Mayo yet again. Mayo helps out with the mural and tells Gloomy Danielle he’s such a kid at heart. Okay, I have to interrupt here and say that this is one of my pet peeves – for reals. When a grown man tells me he’s just a big kid, it is not cute and endearing. Flashing red sirens go off. Guys who have said this to me are just giving themselves a pass to act as irresponsibly as possible. It’s cute if a guy likes kids, but claiming to be one is an entirely different story. Women don’t want to marry large children, guys. We don’t want to parent an equal. That’s my hot tip of the day. Anyway, Gloomy Danielle tells Mayo she wants to have at least two kids because it’s important to have a sibling. Why? So they can raise each other and become really mature like Amber? She tells us she really wants a hometown date and Mayo paints a rose that actually does look like the work of a big four-year-old.
Tessa is at home retrieving her individual date box. Her note says, “Tessa, come as you are. I’ll take care of the rest. Love, Mayo.” Tessa tells us her speech that we all have memorized which is that when she’s with Mayo she’s glad she’s here and when she’s not with him she wants to go home. She’s excited for her one-on-one date. We know, Tessa.
Back at the playground Tina takes a turn talking to Mayo and she tells him her oft-repeated speech about feeling so awkward and out of place in this situation with these girls. She says she felt like she was in high school again living at the house, trying to be cool and failing. Mayo says Tina is mature and he loves that about her. Oooohh, I’m glad Amber and Sulky Bevin didn’t hear those fighting words. I’m tired of hearing how mature those two are. As the playground nears completion (due I’m sure mainly to the ABC production assistants), Mayo tells us that he’s going to surprise the girls by bringing out the children to play while they’re still here! What a guy he is to plan and pay for all of this for the girls and the kids. Wait, never mind. All he did is show up, just like the girls.
Mayo reads the cue cards and goes over how each girl contributed to the playground project individually. But they also worked well together as a team, isn’t that special? We get some lovely before and after shots as the girls wish aloud that they could watch the kids enjoy the playground they’ve created.
“Trading Spaces on The Bachelor”
Now Mayo announces that he has a surprise. He runs over to the classroom, pulls open the door, and starts screaming to the kids to come out and play. He bends to the ground clapping his hands and yelling, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” and I expect to see a bunch of dogs running out. So much for Mayo being good with children. Anyway, I’m sure there’s an assistant of some sort pushing the kids from the inside so they all come running out to play. Next there is a montage of the children playing and each of the girls interacting with a child or two. This is where Mayo can judge which ones will be good mothers. Yeah right. Pushing a child on a swing for 30 seconds equals grand parenting potential. Of course, Mayo is showcasing his father potential by frolicking with the kids – he’s just a big kid you know. And Tina is standing awkwardly to the side, not even fitting in with the kindergarteners. Mayo concludes that all four women would make good mothers, but Amber is most in her element since she’s a teacher. That’s really not fair. It would be like me bringing Mayo and three other guys to a hospital and saying Mayo’s most in his element because he’s a doctor. No duh. Amber dramatically wipes away a tear. Oh please. I’ve seen enough of them patting themselves on the back for something Disney paid for.
Now it’s time for Tessa’s individual date. Mayo says his motives are to show Tessa that he’s really interested in her so that she’ll be extra sad when she gets sent home. Okay he just said the first part, but it was still dumb. Why does Stephanie Kansas holding back equal Mayo calling her “too young,” but Tessa holding back equals extra special attention? Inconsistent much there Mayo? When he arrives he invites himself inside where the rest of the girls are and makes a big show of draping 2 million dollars worth of diamonds all over Tessa. Tessa says it made her feel special. Yeah, 2 million dollars of diamonds will do that – even if Jack the Ripper is the one putting them on you. Stephanie Kansas confessionals that she is a little jealous. Bevin is downright pissed off. She starts to cry again. Amber tells the camera that Bevin gets so upset because she has decided in her heart and head that Mayo is her boyfriend. That’s exactly right – thank you Amber. All those years of making dinner have made you one intuitive chica. So Mayo drives Tessa to Sunset Boulevard where they visit Nicole Miller to pick out a dress for Tessa to wear for the evening. She models a bunch of dresses and finally settles on a really pretty red one. As she comes out in the red dress “Up Where We Belong” kicks in at full volume. Oh yes, this is so romantic to have a television studio loan you a dress and jewelry for one night so that they can capitalize on your emotional turmoil. I can’t think of a more special date. Mayo yells out, “I’m with the most beautiful woman in the world! And it didn’t cost me a dime!”
You can expect a whole lot more of this
if you’re chosen to be Mrs. Mayo. Cough.
They head over to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. Mayo confessionals that there was an aspect of chase involved with Tessa. You know, she wasn’t falling all over him like some of the other girls. I wonder why that only worked for Tessa. Need I bring up Stephanie Kansas again? They have a supremely dumb conversation about how romantic falling rain sounds and meeting people in crazy places.
Meanwhile at home all of the girls are packing their stuff in anticipation of the upcoming Rose Ceremony. Bevin has to tell us once again how she’s not sure what’s going to happen. She claims that if Mayo chooses Tessa over her she’s “seriously going to like freak out.” Well, she better hope Mayo isn’t dead set on wanting a girl he has to chase a little.
Tessa tells us that tonight was an amazing, amazing, amazing night. Did I miss Brody Jenner popping in? Then she blathers to Mayo for way too long about how she’s been wavering back and forth, but she feels really comfortable with him, she thinks they get along well, and she’s taking a huge baby step by saying she likes him. Mayo says the following: “Wow, my heart is like, it’s full when I’m with you. It’s like where did you come from, you know? Where did you come from? It’s like you make this whole process worth it, you know?” No, not really. Then they kiss and it’s the first time Mayo has actually opened his mouth for a kiss instead of pressing his lips together really hard. Mayo confessionals that he achieved what he set out to do tonight, which is I guess to get Tessa on board and now the sky is the limit.
Does Mayo taste beautiful, Tessa?
It’s now Pre-Rose-Ceremony party time. Mayo is nervous because tonight is when he chooses who will be going on hometown dates and he hopes some of the girls will step up and say they want to be with him. First up is Amber, who Mayo is concerned may be a little immature. What? But she made dinner every night! Amber presents Mayo with a chocolate wrapper that says, “Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses.” Ah, get it? With the whole Bachelor parallel? Very clever Amber. Mayo thanks her in falsetto tones. Next up is Sulky Bevin and she is the most chipper I’ve ever seen her. She asks Mayo how he’s doing and says that although this hasn’t been easy, she’ll remember it forever. Mayo says likewise and they kiss a bunch. Mayo says he still feels the electricity he brought up last week. It’s Tina’s turn and she tells Mayo that she really enjoyed watching him do the playground project. She also tells him she’s excited for him to meet her mom and brother. Not too convincing. Tessa sits Mayo down and thanks him again for their date, like he had any part in it, and she’s now excited to have a hometown date. Mayo doesn’t say anything – he just wants to kiss. Gloomy Danielle has a little snuggle on the couch with Mayo and tells him she’s really into him and happy to still be around. Mayo says he can feel it. He confessionals that Gloomy Danielle is very invested, but he doesn’t know if she’ll end up as just a friend or a lifelong partner. Amber and Sulky Bevin sneak into the room where Mayo looks at their pictures to decide who gets roses. Oh, the scandal. Run girls, before ABC punishes you severely! Stephanie Kansas and Mayo drink some more of the wine they “made” together and Mayo asks for more info on Kansas. She says that she is the butt of all of the family jokes and they may even show Mayo home videos. I don’t know how he could possibly pass that up. YES! It’s time for the roses. But before that, Mayo gives us another bonehead quote: “I’m a Navy lieutenant. I’m an ironman. I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I’ve never been through anything like this. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.” Oh, I feel so bad for him. Negative.
Chris Harrison comes out to give his redundant speech about how many roses there are and that the roses mean hometown dates and Mayo comes out to bestow the gift of his continuing scrutiny. He tells them again that they’re all wonderful. Surprising no one, here is how the roses go: Sulky Bevin (“Going to Seattle, baby!”), Amber, Tessa… Ladies, Mayo, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Gloomy Danielle!
Aw, Tina and Stephanie Kansas have to say their goodbyes. Tina says she was hoping to find true love and she’s sad she doesn’t have the opportunity to find it with Mayo. Love is worth putting your life on hold and your career at risk, but she regrets that she shut down. She’s afraid this will be the biggest regret of her entire life. Are you serious, Tina? I hope you mean coming on the show will be your biggest regret and not missing out on Mayo. That would be tragic. Stephanie Kansas says it’s hard to realize that she just let her ideal husband slip through her fingers. She’s worried that she’s closed off and has her guard up and she should have done more. But all that would have resulted in is her being more disappointed and embarrassed when she got sent home. That’s the thing about this situation – it’s such a huge chance that you’ll be rejected that you’d be crazy to open up. It’s hard enough to open up to someone new under normal circumstances. Hopefully once these girls leave the Mayo bubble they’ll realize what a bullet they dodged.
Dropped on Request
You really blew it, ladies.
Mayo toasts to something different for once – the upcoming hometown dates with the four most amazing women he’s ever met. It’s going to be amazing. Whatever, Brody.
I’d say what’s happening next week, but we’ve been hearing about it through the entire episode – the freaking hometown dates, of course! Except it looks like Amber’s family may be MIA. Will Mayo have to do some reconnaissance?
So who do you think is faring the best? I think he’s really leaning towards Tessa, but Sulky Bevin keeps dancing around in the back of my mind as annoying as ever…