Minicap: Bachelor Finale

The Bachelor

By Dashley | Tuesday, March 12, 2013 | 12:12 am | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelor

Hey Gasmii! PopePhilly asked me to do the Minicap for our special Three Hour Live Extravaganza Hope You Are All Drunk Enough to Get Through This Historic Bachelor Finale. But she promises she’ll be back with the full recap later this week! Can’t write a finale minicap without some spoilers though, so for the major ones I’ll do my best to warn you ahead of time in case you haven’t had time to watch.

I’ll tell you something, though: Sean’s nephew quickly becomes my favorite person ever to appear on The Bachelor when he announces, “Emily didn’t pick you! HA HA HA HA HA!” Isn’t that how we’ve all felt, at times? Catherine’s up first to interview for the position of Sean’s Wife, and I’m just surprised when no one asks her what her greatest weakness is, and to give an example. Anyway, Sean’s family loves her, and like anyone sane, they’re skeptical about whether or not the two are ready for marriage, but whatever! The only surprising thing about this whole meeting is that I noticed it’s possible that Sean shaves his legs. 

Lindsay’s road is just a bit more rough than Catherine’s was, because Sean’s family teases her about the first night wedding dress that we’ve heard about no less than 3,000 times now. Hey guys, do you remember the season premiere? Remember how Lindsay came out of the limo in a wedding dress? I KNOW, RIGHT?!?! But her time with the Lowes sounds like a job interview too, and leaves me feeling icky. And it doesn’t help that she’s talking about Life’s Big Issues in that annoying baby voice.

Afterwards, Sean’s family does what almost every other Bachelor/Bachelorette family has done, and sits on the fence, refusing to tell him if they like one of the ladies better than the other. Sean’s mom, however, does plant her flag firmly in the ground to indicate that she doesn’t think he should be making any hasty decisions regarding marriage about women he has met in alcohol-fueled SuperDates. 

“I am now questioning ALL of your major life decisions. Good job, son.”

For their last date, Sean and Lindsay floated down a muddy river in a raft between some mountains, and don’t you feel bad for the guys working the raft? Must have been super-awkward to have been them. Back at Lindsay’s hotel suite, they make out a lot and don’t talk much except for Lindsay to tell Sean that she’s nervous, and for him to tell her not to be. Guess that answers the question about how AshLee got confused, assuming he had a similar conversation with her. On Catherine’s date, she was really, really excited about riding an elephant, and then they almost die in a tragic elephant-ride-fatality when Sean decides to be a practical jokester and commands the elephant down a steep hill. But then later on, they talk a lot, and seem to have more than just the physical connection. **SPOILER** Catherine freaks out though, going so far as to follow him back to his room, when he doesn’t return the sentiment (which of course, he can’t, because he’s not allowed to by contract.) **/SPOILER**

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Dashley
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Loving pop culture since 1982. Loving TVGasm since 2012. I'd LOVE it if you followed me on twitter at @DashleyinCali.

17 Comments

  1. 1
    Andyourlitteldogtoo
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Why do I watch this dreck?! Sigh.

    Anyway, I do. Whatever. When Sean’s dad was telling Catherine all that stuff about how he’d have her back and be her father figure etc I was really upset. It was hitting all her most sensitive buttons and whether he knew it or not I didn’t know but I thought there’s no way Sean is going to pick the more mature thinker over the giddy high schooler who was drooling over him so that was one more knife into Catherine’s heart and I just couldn’t take it. He was just full of the same kind of false platitudes that his son is – I guess I can see where Sean gets it now. I thought his mother was going to have a meltdown though. Poor woman. You raise a boy and when he’s grown you get…this. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

    Catherine is the only woman on any season of this show that I actually truly liked and thought I could be friends with and it was killing me to see her so off balance and upset by Sean’s lack of response to her finally declaring her love.

    Bachelor Nation. Good grief. I weep for womankind when I see a vapid group like that together gushing over this show and it’s ‘romance’. Romance. Huh. Call me silly but my dream marriage proposal was never:

    ‘I had a really really hard time choosing between you and Betty Lou but at the very last hour you squeaked by her and won me for a husband. Aren’t you thrilled?’

    ‘Uh, yeah sure. So glad you chose me. At the last minute. Instead of that other girl you are also in love with. That’s swell!’

    Anyway, thanks for the minicap so I could vent right away. Looking forward to the full recap for this one.

  2. 2
    considerthis
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 9:45 am

    FUCK YOU – ABC! The hype and the drama surrounding this snoozefest is fraud in the highest degree! The letter which you KNOW a producer made her write as this “letter cliffhanger” was cooked up months ago was rediculous – wonder if the other girl had to write one too?

    *SPOILERS*
    I also loved Lindsay too WAY more on her final 5 minutes of the show then I did the entire season. Girl kicked those shoes off so she could run outta there!

    Wonder if ABC had Lindsay in silver and Catherine in gold as a hint? AshLee was issued a bronze gown just for shits and giggles.

    Wonder if Sean ever did get Momma Cath’s “blessing”? I know how he likes to play by the rules – yawn…

  3. 3
    juddfan
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Thanks so much Dashley for your tasteful spoilers here!!! Is it me? Did Sean have one real conversation with Linsday . . . it was all small talk, giggles and kisses. Catherine was so completely real, just as fun and goofy as Lindseed, but also smart, and emotionally connected. I was going to scream out loud if he didn’t pick her.

    I kinda lost respect for the people in the audience and the former suitors who thought he would pick Lindseed . . . and I just can’t wait to hear from Itchy . . . hee . . . .

    My thoughts, now that it’s over, they purposely hid Catherine until the sitting in his lap moment a few weeks in. I always thought that was strangely intimate for two people who hardly knew each other. She must have appeared to be the front runner, so they played around with editing, and made it look like Dez was front runner, then Ashlee, and even Linds for some . . . I actually have to hand it to them, coz it worked.

    Catherine must be a great girl, coz all her housemates were happy for her!

    Who’s going to watch Sean on DWTS?

  4. 4
    JELLIEPAIR
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    I almost had to stop watching as he was breaking Lindseys heart, and telling her he LOVES her while breaking it off with her. That was by far one of the most awkward and uncomfortable breakups ever. I was hoping she would have pushed his ass off that bridge when he told her for the 10th time how HARD this was for him…but the writing was on the wall because Lindsey and Sean spent all their time kissing and baby talking and while that might have worked for a while, he and Catherine seemed to have some kind of balance and they truly did seem to “connect” (did i really just say that?). The letter was bullshit as was the announcement that they are whoring out their wedding to ABC. I was hoping for some real drama but as usual they tricked us into three of the most boring hours of my life. The dates and family meetings seemed pretty lack luster. Even Sean making his mom cry didnt make the time pass any quicker.

    The gold and silver dress thing is a great speculation – i did catch that last night. And they did seem to do everything in their power to make you think Des, Ashlee and Lindsey had a shot so I think juddfan is right – it must have been obvious early on and the editors got to find ways to make it look like there was really a race…

    Now I am excited that Des’s brother will be onhand next season to WT up the show. I am sure he will do his best (with ABC’s help) to get his 15 minutes..

  5. 5
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    What, this tool is going to be on DWTS?! Great, now Marc and Derek have another tool to compete with..

    I am glad that I don’t have to listen to Lindsay and her stupid baby voice again! I laughed when she took her shoes off.

  6. 6
    coffylover coffylover
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    I agree with everyone who loved it when Lindsay took her shoes off ;) That may have been my favorite moment in all of Bachelor history.

  7. 7
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    First of all, thank you so much Dashley! I owe you much alcohol and/or cookies.

    I’ve never been so angry as when I learned that Sean would be on DWTS. I don’t know if I can handle recapping his BS for another season. Let’s hope he’s kicked off early.

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    Hmm, lemme guess which girls we’ll be seeing on the next Bachelor Pad. Hmm… It’s going to be fun listening to Sarah whine about how haaaard all the challenges are for her. Did you know she only has one arm?

    So basically the way it works is the first girl they show is the one to get dumped, right? Because they can’t really have the guy do the proposal and then dump the loser, right? This is a fatal flaw with the Bachelor season finale — next time, they should have both girls stand on opposite ends of a platform, and have the guy choose – you know, the way you make a dog choose who he loves the most.

    I still think Lindseed was the best choice for Sean. This is not necessarily a compliment. Even though I thought she’s a great kid — and has a rockin’ bikini bod. Although I have to say, Catherine’s reaction when she realized he was going to propose to her was by far the best in Bachelor history. Probably the only time I’ve liked both of the final two on this show.

    And I love how all Sean has to say was that his choice was god’s will — that’s good enough for Lindseed! Case closed!

    My goodness, I’m drunk. Fortunately “3 hour finale” really means 2 hours and 7 minutes when you strip out the commercials. Otherwise I’d be in a coma by now.

  9. 9
    tapemeasure
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    Not to rehash the past or anything, but I guess Bob Loblaw was right.

  10. 10
    considerthis
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    For the record – Sean did NOT dump Lindsay – GOD did. He prayed and God picked.

  11. 11
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted March 12, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    LOL. You guys are awesome. I’m searching for clarity about how to choose among you – I love ALL of you!

  12. 12
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 3:14 am

    Bob Loblaw wasn’t right — he (it?) was just a twit hoping to spoil other people’s fun. Which she (it?) couldn’t, of course, since the fun of this show has little to do with who “wins.” Fortunately, I’d come across other so-called spoilers that convincingly claimed Lindseed would win. Good enough for me.

    This is what the show should be doing anyway — developing several plausible spoiler storylines, so no one knows which end is up.

    @considerthis: Yep! And I love how Lindseed looked like she was all ready to blast that asshole for leading her on all this time. But as soon as he played the god-card, she shut right up and took it like a good little soldier. Well-played, Sean!

  13. 13
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 5:02 am

    I think we need to throttle back on the [SPOILERS AHEAD!!!] culture which is taking root around here like the radiation-mutated kudzu vine it is everywhere else. We’re reading a mini-recap that’s dated a day after the show has aired. What are you supposed to do, hit the highlights but not mention a tiny little factoid like who Sean picked?

    After the show has aired, it’s the readers’ responsibility to avoid unwanted spoilers. Recappers and other TV writers shouldn’t have to tie themselves in knots “protecting” readers.

  14. 14
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 5:05 am

    No, no, we’re talking about some idiot who posted the spoiler for the whole season a couple of weeks back. Much different. This twit probably got his info from that unstable Reality Steve douchebag.

  15. 15
    melange
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Man, what a screwup: Sean should have used the God excuse for every dumpee that demanded an explanation… AshLee, Des, Sarah…!

  16. 16
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Well, the God Excuse (TM) only works on a fellow traveler. No indication that Des was one of those. And damn, I hope not. I’m tired of these chaste types spoiling this show.

  17. 17
    Talk It Then
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Okay.. I liked Catherine okay but to me she was really weird in a way… I really liked Lindsey and thought her and Shawn are a waaayyy better match. Anyways.. did you guys see who the next bachelorette is going to be??? BARF!!! Its Des !! YUCK.. PUKE… cant stand her… and she will be luck if ANY bachelors show up to try and form a relationship with her!! That bitch of a brother will interfere and she will live the rest of her life in misery!!! REALLY .. they are going to spoil a whole season on her!! WOW.. such a bummer!

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