Of Hard Nipples, Baby Oil And Wet Spots

Oy, what a week. To start, let me say thanks for all the comments on my first shot at recapping The Bachelor. I think I got more for that one post than I did on all my RAW recaps combined. No big surprise there. It even got cited on ABC’s message boards, which J-Unit, using his best Martha non-emoticons, assures me is a good thing.

Speaking of good things, tonight’s episode wasn’t. I mean, it wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t good, either. Eh, I’m probably just spoiled by last week’s rotten eggstravaganza. (Get it? Spoiled? Rotten? My mom’s right: I do suck.)

After a quick rundown of last week’s action, the remaining ho-pefuls are shown the house where they’ll be syncing cycles. At least until Travis decides whether or not they’re spongeworthy. Host Chris Harrison tells them there will be two group dates this week, along with one individual date. Since Kristen was given the final rose at the last Rose Ceremony, she gets the first individual date. But before you start hatin’ on K-Poem, Host Chris Harrison explains the catch: if Travis decides not to Rose you during the date, you’ll immediately be sent home. No bachelor for you!At that, it’s time to open the first Date Box. This one holds a camera, miniature Eiffel Tower, snow globe, toy bus, maps and binoculars. Jennifer reads a card from Travis with the names of the girls who’ll be going on this date: Jihad, Cole, Elizabeth, Yvonne and SaraH. “I can’t wait to explore Paris with all of you,” she reads. “Dash, Travis.” Who reads like that? I can’t wait to hear the vows at her wedding: “I do. Period.”

“I may have gone to med school,” Travis tells us before his first group date, “but there’s no textbook on how you date five women in a foreign country.” No textbook, I’ll give him. But surely he’s seen Caligula. This first group date turns out to be a double-decker date bus tour of Paris. Yawn. While driving around and drinking wine, Travis asks the girls to name one activity they can’t give up. Besides kissing his ass, of course. Jihad says yoga and riding her bike on the beach. Yvonne says shopping, because that’s “exercise while looking good.” Hey Yvonne, you know what else is exercise while looking good? You. Walking away. Not that Yvonne has a nice tush or anything, I just want her Lisa Rinna-lips off my TV.

During their alone time, Cole tells Travis she’s ready to be in a committed relationship. To prove it, she gives him a mini-rose. I bet on their individual date she’ll only give him a fingerjob.

Say “Stinky Cheese!”

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kristen is acting goofy (big surprise), and asks the other women to help her make a dress out of toilet paper. Since when did Kristen turn into MacGyver? No wonder I’m strangely attracted to her. She talks to the camera about her upcoming individual date. “I’m feeling excited and… excited,” she says. Other things she’s feeling: excited.

The second Date Box is delivered. Inside is a note about Kristin’s date: a boat ride on the Seine. Or, as the girls pronounce it, the Sen. Maybe it’s my Ohio accent shining through, but I always thought it was pronounced Sane. Whatever. I live in Colorado now, so who cares how Ohio pronounces it.

For a special treat, Travis takes his harem to the top of Triumph Arch, where there are tables and more drinkie-drinks waiting. Unfortunately, the drizzle that’s been plaguing them now turns into a full-blown downpour. On the plus side, it’s probably the first time Travis has ever been responsible for getting six girls wet at the same time. Ever the gentleman, Travis gives the women the dry chairs and sits down in the puddly one. I bet he’s one of those guys who offers to lie in the wet spot, too. Of course, this type of chivalry gets him nowhere, as Yvonne demands he present the rose NOW!

On a related note, can anyone tell me why Paris is supposed to be so romantic? Because so far, I’ve seen nothing to make my nipples hard, which, as we’ll learn later, is bound to disappoint some of the remaining girls. (I’m talking to YOU, Susan and Tara.)

On top of the rock, Travis spends some alone time with Jihad, whose favorite passions are, in order: nature, church and health. Upon hearing this, Travis tells us he can’t wait to go to a bar with her. Hmm. I don’t usually equate “I love the bar scene” with nature, church and health, but whatever. Travis ends up giving the rose to Jihad, much to the dismay of the other Wetties.

Commercial break. Unfortunately, I forgot to get a screen grab of the newest H&R Block tax spot, which is too bad, because it features a peeing baby. And I don’t know about you, but to me, nothing says “Trust us with your tax return” like a peeing baby.

The next day, Kristen is trying to get ready for her individual date. That means it’s time for “Crazy Poetry Lady” to make an appearance. CPL has trouble rhyming something with river. “Come hither” is the best she can do? Come on, K-Whack. Rhyming words with river is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. I bet the Seine River smells like rotten liver. See?

Downstairs, Kristen is too frazzled to open the door for Travis. And that’s the highlight of their date. After they leave, the other women start to rip apart her chances. Shiloh says writing a poem is the cheesiest thing ever and wouldn’t like Travis if he liked something like that. She’s probably just bitter because the last poem written about her compared her shenaynay to a missile silo.

After a toast on the boat, Kristen tells Travis that she writes to get her feelings out. (Hey, me too! If by feelings, you mean hate snark.) She begins to read her poem to Travis: Tonight is our first date and being with you I know it’ll be great. We’re going cruising down the Seine River together and after last night I hope we have great weather.

She stops to giggle, and poor Travis moves in, thinking it’s over. WRONG!

“So…” she continues: Let’s go have some fun and make sure you look up at the sky, because you never know which stars will make a twinkle in your eye. The end. Keep smiling. Kristen.

Kristen, of course, thinks they’ve made a great connection: “If Travis were the one, and we end up together, it would be the greatest love story of all time.” Except, of course, for Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, and 24. Travis, on the other hand, is wondering if he could flee the country before her body washed ashore.

Earlier, while Kristen was busy turning Shakespeare’s corpse into a whirling dervish, Travis had called her mom to find out Kristen’s favorite food: Italian. Kristen is ecstatic when Travis serves her Italian. She’s not as happy about the rose being on the table, though. No pressure, Travis tells her. It’s just there to “remind them of what’s at stake.” Ah, the “Rebirth of italian Intimidation”.

You sure got a purty mouth.

Sensing that her poetry wasn’t getting her anywhere, Kristen decides to go for broke, and makes goofy Billy-Bob teeth out of an orange-peel. While it earns her no points in Travis’ eyes, she’s immediately more attractive to the entire state of Arkansas. Unfortunately, Travis ends the evening without giving Kristen a rose, meaning she’s heading home. All things considered, she takes it pretty well. Although I’d have felt more sympathy for her had she remembered to take out her teeth for the interview.

“I wear my heart on my sleeve,” she says. “And I wanted to sparkle. I can’t change who I am, and I know that the person who loves me will cherish my quirks, frame them and never let them go.” Of course, she forgot to mention they’ll also need to tranquilize, cage and hobble them.

Back at the house, the other girls are filling their downtime by doing what I imagine girls always do when alone: nipple pillow fight! Actually, they’re talking about their turn-ons, which is almost as good. Seems Susan and Tara both like a guys’ hard nipples (evidently, much like boogers, they’re fun to flick). Tara also likes baby oil. Someone (I didn’t catch who) suggests “having my hair pulled,” to which the other women all enthusiastically agree. But in a good way, of course.

The girls act stunned that night when Johnny Butler comes in to remove Kristen’s bags. And they all add “poetry” to the list of things Travis doesn’t like, right after rotting eggs.

The next day it’s time for the second group date: a trip to Champagne country. On this date are Jennifer, Moana, Susan, Tara, Shiloh and SaraH-eh?. Travis picks the women up in two helicopters, which he thinks is pretty cool. Unless any of them get airsick. How does Dramamine interact with champagne? The group touches down at the Pommery Champagne Caves for some champagne bongs. Jennifer tells us she’s had enough champagne to know it’s supposed to be chilled, but she didn’t know they chilled it in a cave! Travis says it’s time for a good old fashioned champagne-tasting. His expert opinion: “This is actually really good champagne.” Wow, in Champagne country? What are the odds?

You other brothers can’t deny…

While Travis takes Shiloh off for some alone time, Moana tries to psyche out the other girls, telling them she might not take a rose if offered. Evidently, she doesn’t feel she can date another guy who’s dating other women at the same time. Which is why she signed up for this show. Idiot.

SaraH-eh? gets some alone time with Travis next. Immediately, she puts her legs on top of his and starts with the dirty talk: “The first time I met you, the first time we talked, it was kind of like, ‘wow’. You know?” Did I say dirty talk? I meant stupid talk. Did I mention she’s Canadian?

Travis tells the girls he feels the rose needs to be split into six parts. Just when it looks like he’s going to give it to SaraH-eh?, Tara stops him and drags him further back into the cave. She tells Travis she’s worried about not being chosen. After reassuring her she’s awesome (“If there were any doubt in my mind, I’d have demanded one-on-one time”), she admits she doesn’t want to share him. With anyone. Obviously worried for the safety of Mr. Snuggums, his pet rabbit, Travis changes his mind and gives the rose to Tara. SaraH-eh? is crushed, and makes a mental note to threaten Travis’ immediate family.

“I will NOT be ignored!”

A cocktail party back at the Chateau provides Travis with one last chance to mingle with the girls before he has to send three packing. SaraH tells Travis every man she’s ever dated, she’s been friends with first. I used to think this was the worst thing you could tell a guy on a date. Of course, that was before I met Dr. Allie. Now I think we all can agree it’s actually the second worst thing you can tell a guy, right behind “my eggs are rotting.”

Turns out today is Susan’s birthday, so Travis decides to take her to his bedroom for a special gift she’ll remember forever: Cake. Travis cake. Downstairs, Tara’s ginger-powers tell her there is a disturbance in the Force (and by Force, I mean Travis’ pants), and she and Jihad start looking for him. And it’s a good thing, too, because they walk into Travis’ room right as he’s about to have his face eaten by Susan. Not only did they save the good doctor’s face, they’ve also delivered the season’s first reverse cock-block. Maybe I should start a counter…

Back outside, Travis is talking with SaraH-eh?, who immediately drapes her legs over his. Again. Come on, Travis, even I can tell this chick wants it. And I didn’t lose my virginity until college! Travis tells her he wanted to kiss her the other day, and under normal circumstances, he would have. However, he doesn’t want to be the type to kiss during a group date. SaraH-eh? tries to break him down with a baby kiss on the cheek, but Travis stands firm. “I haven’t kissed anyone yet,” he tells her, “but if I did, it would be you.” Ah, Travis is such a… liar.

Hail Satan.

Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Host Chris Harrison congratulates Tara and Jihad for already earning a rose, which makes them safe from tonight’s elimination. As there are only six roses, three of the other women will be heading home tonight. The first rose goes to Moana. When asked if she’ll accept his rose, she says she doesn’t know. “Just kidding!” she quickly adds when Travis shows her the back of his hand. The next roses, in order, go to: SaraH from Tennessee; Jennifer, the model; SaraH-eh?, who gets a big hug; Shiloh; and finally, Susan, who looked like she was ready to go all Allie on us. This means Cole, Elizabeth and Yvonne are going home.

Anyone have a caption for this?

Finally, in her post-dump interview, Cole tells us she doesn’t trust an unnamed girl’s motives. Who is she talking about? Tara? Moana? Host Chris Harrison?

So, what did you think of tonight’s episode? Did Travis make the right decision? Should he have a new lock put on Mr. Snuggums’ cage? Are you as tired of seeing the Eiffel Tower as I am?