You Guys (Drink!) Are So Amazing (DRINK!)

I realize this recap is a day late, but we’ve been having trouble counting the reverse cock block ballots from Florida. Hopefully, we’ll have a final tally before we’re done.

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor starts off with Host Chris Harrison meeting the six ho-pefuls in the den. This week is going to be bit different, he tells them. There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. Nobody needs to remind them of how important the one-on-one time is, but Host Chris Harrison does it anyway. Cuz that’s how he rolls. So who gets to decide who goes on which date? I’m glad you asked…

In walk Silo and Jennifer, both spurned by The Amazing Travis last week. All in all, the remaining girls take it about as well as can be expected. If they were expecting the Spanish Inquisition. And as we all know, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Moanica says having Silo and Jen back is like being trapped in “the night of living dead nightmare in that house.” Okay… Silo and Jen will ask questions of the six remaining B’ettes and decide who gets to go on which date. Jennifer feels she should be there over some of the other girls, and is planning to be brutally honest with them. But since she’s been in the house and privy to information that The Amazing Travis hasn’t been, this is also “the time for the girls to get honest.” I hope she starts off the questioning with DrunkTara, because everyone is dying to know if her carpets match the drapes. (And by everyone, of course, I mean EdHill and myself.)

PlainSaraH is asked is she can see herself married to Travis. Of course she can. Why? Because they have things in common! Hell, they have so much in common, they’re practically the same person. Yeah, the Thing With One Personality. Silo is upset that Jihad hasn’t opened up to anyone. “So when are you going to stop playing it safe?” she asks. Jihad says she’s 29 and she’s outgrown having a crush on someone. Plus, she’s just not a fan of going bareback this early in a relationship.

Next, SiloJen both gang up on SaraH-eh?, telling her they’re concerned with her age and (im)maturity. SaraH-eh? remains nonplussed, however, telling them “I’m really gonna have to go with my gut and say it doesn’t intimidate me.” DrunkTara is next. And the girls tell her that three out of the four times she’s been with The Amazing Travis, they couldn’t help but notice she was drunk. I don’t think that’s fair at all. You light one fart at a cocktail party and you’re labeled forever. Girls can be so mean.

Susan gets grilled on her dreams of moving to L.A. and becoming an actress. Silo tells her The Amazing Travis doesn’t like the Hollywood scene. That’s fine with Susan, who says she doesn’t want a carbon copy of herself and has no interest in dating an actor. Right there, I know she’s lying, because who doesn’t want a carbon copy of themselves? That would totally rule! Unless you have white furniture.

PASSION!

Of course, SiloJen have been saving their bitterest vitriol for Moanica. “Are you scared?” asks Silo, “Because you should be,” finishes Jen. “I ain’t afeared,” Moanica says, and tells them to go for it. Yes! The girls remind Moanica that all along she’s said Travis isn’t her type, and that she wouldn’t chase a guy, but suddenly she’s done a 180 and is going after Travis. Moanica says yeah, so what, which angers Silo. “If you’re asking me for honesty, and I give it to you, do NOT reprimand me for it,” Moanica fires back. She says a bunch of other crap that had to do with feelings and stuff, but all my notes say are blahblahblah feelings blahblahblah my heart blahblahblah…” Gee, think Moanica has a shot at getting a one-on-one?

Time for a visit with The Amazing Travis, who says the next few dates are really important, because he has to decide whose families he wants to meet. He appreciates SiloJen’s coming back and picking the dates for him. Especially after he dumped them both. “I think they probably want the right woman to be there at the end,” he says. Yeah, as long as that woman isn’t Moanica.

PlainSaraH goes outside to pick up the first Date Basket. It’s for Jihad, who gets the first one-on-one date with Travis. The card invites her to experience Paris from the bottom to the top. Great. Another visit to the Eiffel Tower. Can’t they go to the World’s Biggest Piece of Stanky Cheese or something? In Paris, Travis and Jihad go food shopping, loading up on cheese, fruit and bread for their picnic. At the bakery, Travis tells her not to be shy. “Go ahead, get two different kinds of bread,” he says. Two kinds of bread?! Be still my beating heart! This man is an amazing catch indeed. While Jihad is busy trying to decide on a second type of bread, Travis sneaks off to a nearby “Things Remembered” kiosk and asks if they have any Eiffel Tower jewelry. The French shop-girl, who you know stinks of Santino and onions, says something in French to Travis, who blankly agrees. My French is a little rusty, but I think he just agreed to get Jihad an Eiffel Tower gold tooth. Nope, it’s just a necklace.

During their candlelit dinner by the Tower, Travis surprises Jihad with his little bauble. Then he gives her the necklace. He tells her he bought it because he wants to give her something to remember their time in Paris. And since she already has genital herpes, he decided on jewelry. Wanting to get to know her better, Travis asks about her past relationships. Time for the big secret the producers have been teasing us with all week: Jihad used to be a man! Well, I must say I didn’t see that one coming. Actually, she just used to be married. Big deal. It’s not she like used to date Fabio or anything. Despite the unsurprising nature of her surprise, Travis is still pretty taken aback, and Jihad is worried her revelation will hurt her chances in the game. Looks like she may have to go bareback tonight after all.

Back at the house, the next Date Box arrives. This one contains bike horns, water bottles and a note from Travis inviting SaraH-eh?, DrunkTara, Susan and Moanica on a bike ride. Too bad he didn’t send a singing telegram with this basket: When you take a bike ride through the French countryside, that’s amore…” This also means PlainSaraH will be getting the last one-on-one date of this round.

Meanwhile, back at the Tower, Travis and Jihad are up top enjoying the view. Travis says it’s “definitely a five-deep-breath moment.” I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Maybe the altitude is getting to him. He admits he’d always thought he’d marry a girl who hadn’t been married before. And, at the very least, was a solid second virgin. He says it doesn’t change how amazing (drink!) he thinks she is, however, or how beautiful. Unfortunately, he can’t give her a rose tonight. But that doesn’t mean he wants her to go home. Instead, he asks if she’ll stick around until the Rose Ceremony, when he’s had a chance to spend some time with the other ho-pefuls. For some strange reason, Jihad agrees. Later, she tells us that “Travis was amazing (drink!), but the evening was bittersweet, because I got to spend time with this amazing (drink!) man and blahblahblah rose.”

Time for the group date, which Travis describes as a “sort of ‘Tour de France’ type date.” But he pronounces France as it should be, and not like it’s pronounced in ‘Tour de France’. Eh, I guess you had to hear it. From now on, he tells us he’s going to base his decisions in the Rose Ceremony on what he’s feeling, because at this point, feelings are the most important thing. Which begs the question, what has he been basing his decisions on up to this point? Relative humidity?

Travis arrives at the house to pick up the girls, who are dressed in head-to-toe spandex. “They looked fantastic,” he says, “and ready to get on their bikes.” Barring that, at least ready to get it on. Susan and DrunkTara are both concerned about being on a group date with Moanica, as she’s “a very intense girl, and when she goes after something, it kind of overwhelms everything else.” What I wouldn’t give to see Moanica try to get the last beer from DrunkTara.

(Okay, so far we’re 21 minutes into the episode, and there’s been no reverse cock block. Still, since I brought it up, I guess this is as good a time as any to announce the winner of TVgasm’s first-ever “Block That Cooter!” contest. With approximately 18 votes, more or less, Taco Blocko is the new reverse cock block. Let’s hear it for alert reader OD-TV for their winning submission. A special consolation shout is also given to Champale for suggesting “Taco Block”, although I believe it was OD-TV’s creative addition of the Hispanic “O” which put it over the top. That said, there were also lots of votes for Cunt Punt and Hole Patrol so look for them in an upcoming recap. And who knows, if I’m feeling generous, I may just throw in a random Twat Swat or two…)

Stop! Mandanna time.

While we are still without a legitimate Taco Blocko, we are treated to our first shot of The Amazing Travis in his Amazing Mandanna, which is almost as good. He tells the women there won’t be a rose in this group date, but there’ll still be a competition: a bike race! The winner will get a special surprise later in their date. SaraH-eh? says that one of them has to beat Moanica in the race, because she’s been hogging Travis, and that’s not nice. Yeah, and SaraH-eh? would never hog Travis for herself. Moanica is psyched about the race: “I’m ‘game on.’ I’m stoked. I’m physically competitive. And I want this guy.” And they’re off! Tara gets out to an early start, but in the end it’s Moanica by a large nose, which means she’s get the special surprise. I wonder if it’ll be anything like the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Special Secret Surprise?

Back at the house, PlainSaraH receives her Date Box and a card from Travis asking her to “paint the town” in Montmartre, the famous Parisian art district. Unfortunately, she can’t pronounce the district’s name, so it sounds like she says they’re going to Wal-Mart. Relax, PlainSaraH. There’ll be plenty of time for that if he takes you back to Nashville.

At the spa, Travis and the girls are having chicken fights in the pool. Tired of having a crotch at the back of his head, Travis tells Moanica it’s time to her surprise: a romantic couple’s massage. I wish I could get a better screen grab, because it looks like Moanica has a ‘uge tattoo on her back. She’s so crazy. I wonder if her brother Billy has a matching one? During their massage, Moanica asks Travis the question everyone’s dying to know: why the fuck did he give her a rose? Travis tells her they have an intimate connection, and he’d have gone crazy if he didn’t. At some point, though, she’s going to have to open up about her past relationships. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s being touched by the gentle yet firm hands of a freshly bathed French masseuse, maybe it’s Travis’ unsubtle hint to shit or get off the pot, but Moanica decides now is the time to open up and begins to tell Travis about her life. “I had a very difficult childhood,” she says. “My parents got divorced when I was young, my dad got remarried, and my mom went her way.” That’s it? That’s what turned her into the Premenstrual Power Ranger? Like that’s never happened to anyone else before. I hate Moanica.

Do you see? Do you see?

Out in the pool, the other girls are talking about how Moanica is fooling Travis. DrunkTara is particularly stunned by Travis’ inability to see through Moanica’s act. One of them realizes they can see into the room through a window in the pool, so they all start spying on the couple and get to see the two holding hands. This prompts a whole new round of Moanica-bashing. Later, when Travis leaves, DrunkTara sighs, “our boyfriend’s gone.” And then proceeds to drown her sorrows, in preparation for an ill-fated attempt to drown Moanica.

Strike a pose.

Later, Travis picks up PlainSaraH for their artsy fartsy date. As they wander the streets of Paris, France, PlainSaraH tells Travis the whole place looks “very French” to her. Other things that look very French to PlainSaraH: fries. After being pestered by every street artist they pass (including one who actually had to be bleeped), Travis suggests they get “un portrait.” Unfortunately, the street artist they select just happens to be the worst street artist in all of France. Seriously. B-Side’s drawings of Hell’s Kitchen were more realistic. But he was definitely working that black hat.

Meanwhile, in stately Wayne Manor, the B’ettes are busy badmouthing Moanica. Jihad says she’s “unstable, unhappy and depressed,” and none of them can figure out what Travis sees in her. Besides his thingy, of course. Unbeknownst to them, Moanica is now standing outside in the hallway listening. Man, I bet this is going to turn out just like that one episode of Three’s Company, you know, the one where someone overheard someone else saying something and then it was all a big misunderstanding? Yeah, that one. No worries, however, as the girls continue to rag on Moanica to the point where it’s impossible for her to misunderstand their point: they all hate her. But that doesn’t stop them from inviting her down to the Regal Beagle for drinks after they finish their drinks.

Actually, Moanica decides to confront the others about what they’ve been saying. And boy, does she let them have it: “I really appreciate your assessment of me. And unless you’ve walked a day in my shoes, it’s unfair of you to judge me. I give myself to you guys, and you totally ripped me apart.” To be fair to the other women, they only ripped her apart because they thought she was a tequila-filled piñata. Jihad says she just doesn’t understand where Moanica is coming from. “Don’t act like the hard-ass of the group and then hog Travis all the time,” she says. “I’d never put myself in that position by hogging Travis the way you have.” Moanica has had enough, telling Jihad, “Pardon me for having a heart. Pardon me for having feelings. You don’t know anything about me, and if it were you, you’d probably be a little hurt too.” Snap delivered, Moanica storms out, telling us in voiceover she’d rather have a connection with Travis than with any of them. All in all, not a bad catfight. Although I must admit I was distracted by the sight of Moanica’s unharnessed breastesses. And her “Life Rolls On” emblazoned short-shorts.

Back in Paris, The Amazing Travis and PlainSaraH are enjoying their meal. Travis tries to butter her up by telling her at first she was bottled up, but not that he’s gotten to know her, he’s glad to see she’s pure and true. He loves the fact that she’s a kindergarten teacher, and likens it to his job doctoring. “If you’re like I am, you go home at night, and feel good about it.” Speaking of going home, he then tells her he thinks she has to go home. “And I was hoping you’d take me with you,” he adds, before handing her a rose. Psyche! If Travis had the smallest hint of personality, he might’ve sold us on this feint, but instead it came off more predictably than a Mick Foley hometown pop.

Surrender, Dorothy!

The next morning, Travis decides to bike over to the girls’ house for one last chance to spend some time with them before the next Rose Ceremony. The girls are shocked to see him, although not as shocked as I am that he calls them “women” and not “guys”. That reminds me, I’m getting thirsty. I hope someone calls someone “amazing” soon. Five of the six girls (Moanica being unpresent and unaccounted for) hang out with Travis in the kitchen for a bit, before he starts taking them aside for some final one-on-one time. SaraH-eh? is worried that the speed of things, combined with all the drama in the house, is affecting the way she acts around him. Travis assures her it’ll get more normal as the game progresses, with more personal interactions and less group dynamics. Jihad asks how he’s doing, and he tells her he’s just trying to focus on the positives and not think about the fact that she’s been deflowered. He also tells her she’s amazing. (Yes! Drinks all around!)

Travis eventually finds Moanica in a back room, sticking pins in a wax doll that looks suspiciously like Host Chris Harrison. Or a big white wax turd. It’s hard to tell. Actually, she’s writing in her journal. Hey Moanica, nobody keeps a “journal” anymore. Nowadays, we use blogs. Look it up when you get back to the States. Travis says that for some reason, she’s become the black sheep of the house, and it’s confusing how he feels about her. Primarily because in Nashville, nobody boinks the black sheep, as their wool is too itchy. Moanica tells Travis she’s had rough night, and that other girls have been mean to her. Maybe Travis should give her a wahburger to go with those French cries.

Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Host Chris Harrison greets the women and tells them there will be no cocktail party tonight. After they revive DrunkTara with a nearby St. Bernard’s flask of brandy, he tells them that Travis has already made up his mind, so they’ll go straight to the dumping. PlainSaraH is already safe, and there are just three roses for the remaining five women.

Travis comes out and says he wants to “Thank you guys (drink!) for everything.” He says it’s hard to send two women home when he’s not ready to let them go. And some other crap about each of them being unique and beautiful on the outside and inside, in their own special way. I swear, if his medical career doesn’t pan out, this guy’s got a future writing for Hallmark’s new “Cheesedick” line of cards.

Drink!

In order, Travis gives roses to SaraH-eh?, Susan and Moanica, meaning Jihad and DrunkTara are going home. DrunkTara is crying, but I can’t tell if she’s upset that Travis dumped her or because she’s getting cut off from the free booze. Jihad believes if she hadn’t been married before, she’d still be in the game. Which just goes to show you what being honest gets you: brokenhearted and boozeless. During her last hug, DrunkTara tries to warn Travis that someone in the house is trying to fool with his head.

So guys, was this an amazing episode or what? Personally, what’s most amazing to me I made it through this entire recap without tossing Jager all over my keyboard. That aside, did Travis keep the right girls? Whose parents will be the most psycho? With DrunkTara and Jihad eliminated, will I ever get to say “Taco Blocko” again? And what’s the over/under on DrunkTara’s first stalking arrest?