Recap: The Bachelor: Put Out Or Shut Up

So this week is the all-important Overnight Date episode of The Bachelor. And that of course means one thing: someone is going to release the sexay. Will it be Jennifer? Of course. Will it be Comrade Lisa? Well, according to her five-year plan, she’s already about three years behind on performing her princessly duties, so you know she’ll do the deed. (Heh. I said duties.) The big question is whether or not The Virgin will put out on national TV. Enquiring minds want to know.PBo is really excited about the overnight dates, because he’s still confused about which woman to choose. And spending a night with them and getting a little stinky pinky could go a long way toward helping him make his decision. Other things that could help: ben wa balls.

The first date is with Jennifer in Goteburg, Sweden. It’s funny, every time Jennifer shows up on camera I’m all like who’s she? Seriously, with the exception of her father threatening PLo with a shotgun wedding, has she done anything remotely memorable? I’d go back and check my other recaps to see, but I really don’t care all that much.

Anyway, LZo ways that when he’s with Jen he feels like he’s the only person around. None of this “having to pay attention to the woman” crap; it’s all about Cousin Larry. That, or maybe he can’t remember her either.

Actually, he really likes Jen, but his only concern is she said she has a hard time opening up. So he’s hoping an amusement park will help bring out her emotional side. It would me. Especially if there’s a clown and the emotion you’re looking for is sheer, unadulterated terror.

While walking through the park, PBo asks Jen to try and pronounce some of the names. Why? Is his family’s name all over this park too? Nope, it’s just a bunch of Swedish gibberish. Which PBo says sounds German. He’s so worldly. Where’s Beaker when you really need him?

Jen says she’s really starting to fall for PBo, and she wants him to know her in ways he hasn’t got to know her yet. You know, biblically. To make matters worse, there are two other B’ettes she’s still competing with, so at the very least she’s going to have to let him touch the girls on this date. But only over the bra. Still, that’s got to be better than what The Virgin will let him get away with.

After the amusement park, they head to the local Ice Bar, where everything is made of ice and ice-like substances. Including the bartendress. “This could be the coolest bar I’ve ever been in,” PBo says. Get it? Because it’s cold? Oh, PBo, you slay me.

He asks Jen if she’d ever consider moving to New York. Sure. Her job is in Miami, but she only has the students for one year. Then it’s a whole new bunch. Besides, she can teach anywhere. But what about her parents? Would they be okay with it? As long as her parents can visit her anytime they want, they’d be fine. I’m not sure, but isn’t New York filled with liberals who want to outlaw guns? Her dad is most definitely not going to be fine with that.

LBo tells us the fact that she’d up and move to another state for a guy she just met a couple weeks ago means a lot to him. It means a lot to me, too. Namely, she’s unstable and quite possibly a stalker.

Dinner is a time for questions. So let the questioning begin! First off, PBo asks Jen to pass the meatballs and lingonberries. Then he asks if she’s ever been in love, and how many times. She answers twice: once when she was 16 and once during college. That last one was a painful breakup, but it’s all good, because that which doesn’t kill you makes you a better B’ette. Having her heart ripped from her chest has taught her that she’s ready to get married and have kids. Okay… Hey, wait a minute, Jen’s a teacher. So can’t she have a kid or two whenever she wants? Ah, nothing like a little pedophile humor to keep the recap moving along.

Jen’s turn to ask a question: What makes a relationship work? PBo says that having a good time with that person is important. As are understanding and keeping it fun. And having a lot of things in common. Such as an appreciation for hardcore bukkake.

After dinner, PBo says he has to give her something that’s from Chris that’s on him. (That’s his awkward sentence structure, not mine.) Is it a cold sore? An STD? A DNA sample? Actually, he hands her the fantasy suite key. The cold sore he’ll give her later up in the suite.

Jen says the suite was romantic, with champagne and candles and strawberries. I guess that’s romantic. If you’re into that sort of thing. And she’s excited about the hot tub, because she loves a good hot tubbing when it’s cold. Which is kind of the point, isn’t it? Who gets in it when it’s hot out? Hopefully she doesn’t end up doing it in the hot tub, or she can add urinary tract infection to her list of souvenirs from the show.

Later, PBo tells us the date was great, and there isn’t a thing he doesn’t like about Jennifer. But he still has two other B’ettes to bang date, so he can’t make any decisions yet.

Speaking of which, his next date is with Comrade Lisa in Budapest. Didn’t Hungary used to be a communist country? I bet Comrade Lisa is going to feel right at home here.

PBo says this date is very important, because he still doesn’t know what he needs to know about Comrade Lisa. Does that make any sense at all? What bothered him most about their hometown date were all the wedding magazines on her coffee table. And her friend dropping off a wedding dress. Oh, and let’s not forget the whole five-year plan. On second thought, pretty much everything about their hometown date bothered him. So why is Comrade Lisa still here? She won the trip playing the home version of Plinko.

LZo is also confused about her reasons for being on the show. Is it because she wants to be on television? Because she wants to get married? Or because of him? That’s what he needs to find out. I guess it never occurred to him that she could want to get married on a television show to him. It worked out great for Romber. Hey, maybe they can even be on The Amazing Race next year. I’d love to hear what kind of relationship advice Phil would give them. Not to mention how an encounter with the PhilPackage^TM would fit into her five-year plan.

Comrade Lisa says she’s looking forward to spending more time with PLo on their date. Her parents approve, and her dog approves, so she’s allowed to fall in love now. (Actually, when I first wrote that sentence I wrote that her god approves, which is funny on a whole ‘nother level.)

LZo says he needs to ask her some very serious questions before he decides whether or not to take her in to the fantasy suite. So what better way to get the right answers than to get her drunk first at a local wine festival? That’s how mrs. copygodd knew she’d get me to say yes to her marriage proposal. Although it took four days of heavy drinking to break me down. Believe me, when it comes to psychological gamesmanship, Henry Gale Ben has nothing on mrs. copygodd.

PBo asks Comrade Lisa to name her favorite Bachelor from the show. Is this a trick question? She says that Travis was hot, but he was a total tool. Andrew Firestone was entertaining. Actually, she thought all the guys were interesting to watch, but she wouldn’t have married any of them. I can’t believe she didn’t answer PBo. That’s gotta set back her five-year plan a bit. Not to mention PBo’s opinion of her.

Later that night, PBo asks some more questions about her love life. She’s been in love twice. The first time she just “lost the passion.” Fortunately, she quickly found someone else. Unfortunately, she found him while she was still dating the first guy. It’s official: I hate her. And her cheating cooter. PBo asks the obvious question: “Three weeks after you break up with the guy you love, you apply to be on this show. Isn’t that kind of whorish?” Actually, he doesn’t say whorish, but I just said it for him. She says she signed up on a whim. Whim, of course, being code for five-year plan.

Cousin Larry says that both of her boyfriends moved to Portland for her. But PBo don’t play that. So if she wants to be a Princess, she’s gonna have to leave Hippytown. PBo says he’s not trying to put her in a trap, but really he is. In fact, his whole operation tonight was more than a little reminiscent of how the Gipper trapped Russia in a spending cycle that ultimately brought down the Iron Curtain. So will PBo’s strategy also bring down the Iron Curtain surrounding Comrade Lisa’s cooter? Does Boris Yeltsin’s nose glow redder than a Chernobyl fuel rod?

(Ir)regardless, PBo still offers Comrade Lisa the key to the fantasy suite. And of course she accepts. After all, it’s her last chance to save the date. And the future of her ovaries. Talking about how awkward dinner was and how insecure it made her feel isn’t exactly helping her cause, though. PBo was glad to see her a little shaken today, though, as she’s always been so confident in the past. Hopefully that confidence will carry over into the boudoir.

Comrade Lisa sums the evening up best, saying that while they had some tough times early in the day at Budapest, at the end of the night there was definitely romance. Yeah, he totally hit that.

The final date is with The Virgin in Sicily. She tells us that she’s really excited about it. She’s really missed PBo, and she’s craving some one-on-one time. But there is that whole hymen thing. Remember, she is a virgin, and she’s saving herself for marriage. And in the back of her mind, she just keeps thinking about what’s going to happen when he pulls out his fantasy key. Kids today are so funny. Who knew that “fantasy key” was code for “cock”? Besides The Virgin, of course. Maybe it’s Virginese.

PBo tells us that when she got out of the car, no words could describe how happy he was that they were going to be alone. Except maybe happy, I guess. He can see himself falling in love with The Virgin because everything he’s seen about her, he’s liked. Except her cooter. But since it should be free from open sores, he’s pretty sure he’ll like it too.

The Virgin tells us she knows that PBo’s already been on two other dates this week. And since the other girls aren’t virgins, she’s not sure what they did. Which is her nice virginly way of calling them whores. She hates thinking about it, though, because it really makes her horny.

LBo has declared this date to be “Sadie Day and Night.” But that hasn’t stopped him from scheduling his favorite pastime: scuba diving. He tells her not to worry, though. He’ll make sure she’s not bitten by a shark. Unless of course she’s menstruating, in which case all bets are off. Actually, he says she won’t get bitten by a shark because they’re scuba diving in a swimming pool. Wow. Be still my beating heart.

After a few hard minutes of pool scuba, it’s time for a massage, which The Virgin says is just another in a long list of firsts for her. She’s experiencing a whole bunch of new things right now, and it’s making her a little nervous. Not to mention moist. PBo says he was nervous, but then he pulled one off right before the date started. Besides, what does he have to be nervous about? He’s a friggin’ prince!

After their professional massages, it’s time for amateur hour. Yeah, giving each other a massage will make it totally easy for them to honor The Virgin’s vow of chastity.

Later, he tells us that while he loves everything about The Virgin, he is a little nervous about how they’ll respond to each other behind closed doors. Can they have a chemistry together? Will he break the seal? And of course she’s still nervous about what happens when he offers her the fantasy card? Will it hurt him if she declines? Blueballs says what?

During dinner, all The Virgin can think about is the fantasy card. It means a lot, because in case you haven’t heard, she’s saving herself for marriage. And this isn’t something that she usually does, and she doesn’t want PBo to get the wrong idea about her. So, if she turns him down, she’s frigid. And if she bones him, she’s can’t keep a simple promise to herself. Talk about a real Sadie’s choice.

The Virgin tells PBo that this is different than any other relationship she’s been in, because he’s mature and smart and makes her feel really good about herself. Plus he’s not always trying get in her pants. Which she would totally let him do, if it weren’t for that whole virginity thing.

PBo is blown away by how much The Virgin has opened up to him. And it makes him feel guilty about how little he’s opened up to her. She asks him what he really wants. His answer is a bunch of douchenozzle nonsense that I zoned out during. But whatever he said must have worked, because you can totally tell that The Virgin’s panties just melted.

So overwhelmed is she by her lack of underwear, The Virgin excuses herself from the table. She really needs PBo to know who she is and that she’s a classy conservative woman and that if she accepts this fantasy card it’s a really big deal. You know, it’s times like this a classy conservative woman could use a role model. Perhaps The Virgin should ask herself WWACD? (What Would Ann Coulter Do?) Unfortunately, since Ann Coulter is actually a man who solves every problem by writing his name in the snow, he’s probably not the best role model for The Virgin.

The Virgin blathers on to LZo about how nerve-wracking the whole fantasy suite decision is. And he hasn’t even asked her yet. You can tell he’s as sick of hearing about it as I am writing about it. Finally, he just tells her to stop. He gets it. He likes classy conservative women. That’s why he’s attracted to her. And that’s why he’s going to offer her the fantasy suite key. But there’s no pressure if she accepts it. They can just talk and cuddle all night long. And then they can take turns squatting to pee, doing each other’s makeup and then maybe hitting each other with their purses.

Unbelievably, she buys it. Who knew that telling a girl what they wanted to hear actually worked? See, TV does teach you things.

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. And tonight’s lone sighting of Host Chris Harrison. Compared to seasons past, he’s been really absent this time around. I hope they’re not phasing him out.

Anyway, after some serious deliberating and pontificating, PZo must send someone home. But before he does that, he has to make another speech. He tells the B’ettes that he can’t say any one time with any one girl over the past week has been better than another. Although if he had to pick one, the time he spent not sleeping with The Virgin would probably be it.

So, does that mean The Virgin is going home? Nope, Comrade Lisa is given the iron boot. Needless to say, she is both shocked and awed. She tries to argue her point with PBo in the foyer, but like perestroika, it’s too little, too late. Ah well, there’s always The Bachelor: Cuba.

So, what do you think of Cousin Larry’s decision? Did he keep the right B’ettes? Or should he have kept the sure thing in Comrade Lisa? And who do you think he’ll end up choosing?

Next week is a special reunion show. Unfortunately, I’ll be back home in C-bus visiting the fam so I won’t be able to recap it. Same thing with next week’s episode of House. But I will be back in time to cover the season finale in two weeks. In case anyone besides Honey Bunny cares.