The Bachelor: Black-Eyed Sleaze

Well, “the ladies” are starting to come undone. Their minds, unraveling like a ball of yarn that an adorable but sinister kitty has been batting around the floor gently. That kitty may be named Brad, but we all know who’s really in charge here.

“I can haz the power?”

Don’t let the friendly cardigan fool you. He’s an evil mastermind. I’m worried that he may be in cahoots with Molechelle. They’ve cooked up some bizarre way to confuse and distract our dimwitted yet delectable Bachelor Brad.

So Molechelle has a black eye. How’d she get it? Car accident? Cat fight? Bar of soap wrapped in a sock and whacked across her face after lights out? Who knows. She doesn’t know. She went to bed last night in perfect condition — eyebrows removed, bronzer scraped off, hairy face mole plucked. And when she woke up, there was her black eye! Strange, you say? Indeed.

Phantom Shiner

Though she’s curious about her condition, plucky Molechelle can only see the sunny side of her predicament. You see, a black eye is something that Brad will notice immediately! Perhaps he can’t see her yearning, her desire, her psychosis…. But a black eye he will see, and that, she tells us, will translate into a date and a kiss for the injured orifice. Sounds like a surefire way to get ocular herpes, but that’s just me.

First date card: “Chantal – How deep is your love? Brad.” It’s nice that the cards all have his name on them. Just in case. We don’t want any mistakes.

Molechelle sarcastically claps her hands for Slappy Chantal’s one-on-one date, but she’s frustrated. And she really doesn’t see Chantal returning from the date because she and Chantal are nothing alike. Molechelle seems to be under the impression that she represents the epitome of what Brad wants and all of the other women are just there to try to futilely live up to her. I always admire people with delusional confidence. Their lives just seem so much happier than the rest of ours.

When Brad comes in, he can’t help but notice Molechelle’s black eye and asks her what happened. She says she doesn’t know and Brad says the only thing one can say in these situations: “That’s strange.” Squeaky-voiced Ashley S. confesses to us that she wishes that she was the one who gave Molechelle the black eye. Something tells me she wouldn’t do much damage in a fight, though.

As the women sit and talk to Brad, they hear the thud of a helicopter. They run outside to see Brad and Chantal O.’s transportation for the day: a yellow and red helicopter landing shakily outside the house. Guess who is not happy about this. Molechelle doesn’t like helicopter dates one bit. She doesn’t want Brad and Slappy ending their date “with some sort of makeout.” I guess helicopters are what you rent when you want to tongue down your date. I feel if I went to the trouble of renting a chopper, I’d expect the guy to put out. Just sayin’. Hope that makes you feel better Molechelle.

Pussywagon

I would just like to point out that the helicopter they take off in is not the same as the helicopter they land in:

The old switcheroo.

Just in case anyone else is a continuity nerd like me. Also, add that to the long list of wasteful things this show insists on doing. Why couldn’t they just take a car to the second helicopter? Oh yeah, that would be a missed opportunity to drive Molechelle even closer to the edge of the cliff she’s precariously balanced on.

After the new helicopter lands, they take a boat out to the ocean somewhere. Brad wants their date to feel completely out of the real world so they’re going to walk on the bottom of the ocean floor. Slappy expresses her nervousness as they get into wet suits. She warns Brad that her mascara will run, either from the ocean water or from her own tears.

She puts on some awkward looking helmet thing that makes her look like a Snork from the old cartoon series, and she goes into the water first.

Super sexy.

Brad’s close behind her and they hold hands and walk around the ocean floor awkwardly. “What’s that big thing?!” she asks in alarm, at one point.

Relax. It’s just a goldfish.

Slappy says her ocean adventure is just like love: when you put yourself out there, great things can happen. And she can totally see herself marrying Brad and becoming “Slappy Womack.” Best. name. ever. Slappy Womack sounds like the name of a country and western one-hit wonder. I can see her 10 years from now, sitting in a smoky, peanut-strewn bar somewhere, nursing a whiskey, staring down sadly at the dingy old ring that’s hanging off her bony finger. Twisting that tarnished platinum ring around and around. When suddenly the jukebox record changes. Her head pops up and for a moment, are eyes are shiny and bright. “That’s me!” she says to the bartender, who’s spitshining some glasses. “That was me… Slappy Womack,” she’ll whisper, closing her eyes and humming along to the lyrics she wrote long ago: “he snorked his way right into my heart….”

Back at the house, Molechelle is icing her eye with a popsicle when another date card arrives. According to Molechelle, it’s more important for Molechelle to get a one-on-one date than any other woman in the house. Brad must think so, too, because he doesn’t include her in the group date card, which reads “Let’s put our love on the line.” Molechelle feels a bit better that she isn’t named in the group date, but warns us that if she doesn’t get a one-on-one date this week, Brad may find himself with a black eye.

Supervillain IcyEye is not to be trifled with.

Brad may find himself with a black eye, anyway, if he continues to hang out with violence-prone Slappy. The sun has set, which means a few things in Bachelor-world, I’m learning: fire, wine, a cushiony place to sit. This time, the world’s largest futon has been set up on the beach between two large tents. Why two tents? I guess ABC didn’t feel like burning actual money this time, so they just bought another tent.

Never trust a man who’s older than 23 and has futon.

They lie down on the futon with their shoes on, which I find quite bothersome, and talk about Slappy’s last marriage, how they both want kids, and how much they like one another. This is followed by making out.

Later, Slappy says that she wants to apologize to Brad for slapping him so hard when they first met. She hit him a lot harder than she meant to. LOL. I like how she doesn’t apologize for hitting him. She apologizes for being stronger than she’d realized. The nickname stays.

Yes, that’s really Brad doing the old yawn, stretch, arm-around-the-girl move.

Brad says being with Slappy makes him feel like he’s in a real relationship. They’re playful and she keeps him in check with her fists of fury. Brad reaches for the rose that’s laying next to the futon. There’s thunder and rain begins to fall. A sign if I ever saw one. Brad ignores the angry gods, though, and gives Slappy the rose. A faint scream and a flash of light are heard across California as Molechelle’s head explodes. There’s more making out. Brad wants to run away with Slappy. They go into one of the tents. It’s hard to tell what happens next. All we see are lumps. I assume there’s more making out and maybe a handie. We’ll have to use our imaginations.

Hawt.

Group date time. Nine of the girls get into a stretch Hummer, which is powered by burning 100 dollar bills and food stamps for the needy. They ride over to the studios where “Loveline with Mike & Dr. Drew” is taped. This still comes on? I remember listening to it when I was a horny teen. Back before we all knew what an awkward-looking human being Adam Carolla was. Back when we thought virgins could get pregnant if your boyfriend “finished” within 2 feet of you. I’m pretty sure all cliques had that friend who convinced everyone else that sperm were capable of swimming through *anything*. The water at the pool, sweatpants, etc. Thankfully, we had “Loveline” to inform and titillate us.

So Brad has brought “the ladies” to the studio so that they’ll have a safe place to open up and tell him their innermost feelings. Plus, he’s a huge fan of the show. I’m sure.

Brad sits down with this Mike person and “Dr.” Drew and says his main concern is not being compatible with any of the women. The women, by the way, are being kept in a soundproof room where they’re being fed alcohol. Boston bartender Stacey is particularly excited about being on the show because she knows how reputable “Dr.” Drew is.

Killing 3 birds with one stone: shooting The Bachelor, Loveline and casting for the next season of Celebrity Rehab.

When the women enter the room, Mike starts things off by asking them if they’re physically attracted to Brad. They are. “Me too,” says Mike. Eh. Next, Brad announces that he’s never cheated on a woman, but he has been cheated on. “Dr.” Drew wants the women to raise their hands if they’ve cheated. Crickets. Then Stacey raises her hand and says that she cheated in college after being drunk and stupid. Brad says he appreciates her honesty. He’s lying. He’s going to cut her, he was just looking for a good excuse.

Meghan, a girl who hasn’t said much until this point and — I’m sorry — is not attractive or crazy enough to be here, wants to know Brad’s type. He doesn’t have one, but he knows what he’s looking for. And he wants to be himself around her, whoever she is. This is “key” according to Dr. Dre. I’m going to leave the “w” off the end of his name from now on, because I think that having Dr. Dre give relationship advice on The Bachelor is far more entertaining: “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.” Indeed. More ignorant, catchy words were never spoken.

Back to the business at hand… floppy Muppet dentist Ashley H. flops her hands around and says that she feels herself “retracting” like a turtle in a shell, or a penis in a pair of swim trunks. Brad warns her that if she does that, she’ll walk away with regrets.

Britt, another gal who hasn’t said much, speaks up nervously. She’s interested in him, but they only get a few minutes together before each rose ceremony and she doesn’t feel like they’re really getting to know one another. She’s so timid, she can barely get the words out. Healthy relationships always begin when one person is completely terrified of the other. Mark my words. I’ve done a lot of terrorizing in my day and have a whole list of guys who are so scared they won’t return my phone calls. I’m gonna marry one of those boys, one day…

Brad encourages Britt to give him a chance to make the time. And thus ends their time on “Loveline.” Brad had a blast. The date “was the best idea I could have had,” he says. Somewhere, a production assistant is glaring at a monitor, lying in wait until she has some backers to finance her reality show: “Chronic Love with Dr. Dre.”

You two are out. Dr. Dre and Eminem are in.

After leaving “Loveline,” Brad takes his harem to a heated pool in some undisclosed location. I think it’s his house. In a futile attempt to save her position as concubine #15, Boston Stacey grabs Brad for one-on-one time. Muppet Ashley is sad. Brad and Stacey have a super boring conversation about feelings and other useless emotions.

Up next for one-on-one time is Alli. Poor Alli. In spite of being named after a weight-loss drug that causes dieters to uncontrollably poop oil, she has so much to give: lots of junk in her trunk, she’s amazing at sex, and a well-oiled bum. And in spite of all of this, the boys keep breaking up with and the girls keep interrupting her one-on-one time. This time it’s Squeaky Ashley who walks up and squeakily asks for one-on-one time in her baby voice. Alli storms out, refusing Squeaky’s offer for a hug, and Brad seems genuinely horrified.

“What kind of a monster doesn’t like hugs?!”

But turnabout is fair play. Before Squeaks can hand Brad a note demanding that he check yes or new in response to her question about still liking her, NYC artists and possible virgin Jackie pops in for one-on-one time.

Back at the women’s house, Molechelle has spent the past two days whining and crying and trying to figure out what’s going on with her and Brad, when the door bell finally rings. She’s rubbing her hands together as the date card is read. “Michelle,” it says. “Let’s hang together.” Before Molechelle can really celebrate, Slappy points out how weird it is that all of the other date cards have mentioned “love” but Molechelle’s does not. Bwahahaha! That’s SO evil genius of her!

“Why didn’t he put ‘love’ in mine?” Molechelle asks nervously.

“Oh, it’s probably nothing,” Slappy says with a sinister grin. Well played, Slapster. Well played. You may end up becoming Slappy Womack after all.

Back at the pool, Muppet Ashley H. is freaking out. It’s Muppet-style, so it’s mostly flapping arms and incoherent noises, so it’s not too bad. But it’s enough to annoy the other girls. It’s exhausting Jackie. Boston Stacey points out that Muppet has less to worry about because she’s actually already had a one-on-one with Brad and most of the girls have not. Stupid arguing ensues and you can see Muppet’s brain retreating a safe place where she can talk to Ben Franklin and dance around in her underwear in peace.

Scared Muppet.

Meanwhile, Britt and Brad are snuggling under a blanket. Brad wants to know that he can fit into Britt’s everyday life, meaning, will she drop everything and leave her life as a food writer in Woodinville, WA to move to Texas and maybe even L.A. and cheer him on when he does Dancing With the Stars? I don’t know. What I do know is that someone needs to teach the poor child how to apply her makeup. It’s not 1985. We don’t need to wear Joan Collins-style blush from out cheek bones all the way to our hairlines.

Britt mumbles that she gets shy and nervous around guys that she’s crushing on. And she’s totally crushing on him. Brad looooves it and starts making out with her, his long, alien-like fingers stroking her as they kiss. After some lip-locking, they get up to join the rest of the girls and find Muppet standing right next to them.

Stalker Muppet.

Muppet is feeling “ounces of jealousy and resentment.” So… not much, then? I guess it depends on if she’s measuring in avoirdupois ounces or troy ounces. And if she’s using Dutch metric ounces, well that’s significantly larger than the rest. Brad neither knows nor cares. He says that all of this is fun and exciting.

“For you,” Muppet points out. True that. But Brad doesn’t like the truth. Muppet sighs and admits that she signed up for this, but she’s finding it easier to take a step back and not admit her feelings for Brad. Brad wants her to hang in there. He interviews that he thought he and Muppet had one of the strongest connections. And he’s not giving up on her.

Muppet heads back to the pool and Brad grabs a rose. In an interview, he implies that he’s going to give it to Muppet. But when he joins the group, Muppet mutters about how awkward the whole scenario is. The Brad is not pleased. Not at all. He announces he’s changing his plan and he asks Britt to join him. He’s glad that she worked up the nerve to talk to him, even though she was intimidated, plus, “we have great kisses.” Ugh. There’s something so infantile about that statement. He’s a bit of a giant baby, isn’t he?

Brad says he doesn’t have a single regret about giving Britt the rose. Muppet is worried that she may have ruined her chance with Brad.

Oh, glorious day! Glorious day that the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad that Molechelle finally gets her one-on-one date with Brad. A black eye and hand-wringing by Muppet be damned! This is Molechelle’s day!

Brad enters the house and asks for a second with Muppet. Uh-oh. Molechelle is not happy. It’s supposed to be her day! Brad talks to Muppet. Blah, blah, blah. Encouraging words. Blah. Muppet now has the strength to live another day.

Meanwhile… Molechelle is getting more and more irate that Muppet is taking time away from Molechelle and Brad. Slappy points out that Molechelle pulled a similar stunt on the American Red Cross group date, pouting in a corner while the rest of the group filmed PSAs until Brad came to check on her.

“That was a moral issue!” Molechelle snaps, like any other sane person would. When Brad walks back into the room, it’s ice cold. Molechelle grabs him by the arm and literally yanks him out of the room. Yikes, lady. To get a Dutch ounce of sympathy back, Molechelle points out that her black eye is fading as they hop into the car and head off. She interviews that if she doesn’t get a rose at the end of the date. She’s going to elbow Muppet in the face. Then she slams her elbow down into her palm, wrestler style.

Ready to throw ‘bows for love.

She and Brad head to his house where they have some mimosas and await yet another helicopter ride. They fly into downtown L.A. and land on top of a high rise. Brad leads Molechelle to the edge of the building and they peek over at a pool down below. That’s where they’ll be having dinner. And they’re going to have to rappel down the side of the building to get to it. Interesting date: die or have an amazing dinner. Those are your options. Who’s ready to make out?

Needless to say, they get strapped into their harnesses and head down the side of the building with minimal issues and no plummeting to their deaths. Molechelle likens their experience to love: you gotta let go and take a leap of faith. They hold hands and kiss part way down, so it can’t be that scary. They both agree, though, that is was like the most amazing experience ever.

Jump for love.

When they get to the bottom, they jump into the pool with their clothes on and Molechelle makes Brad pinky swear that he won’t rappel down the side of a building with another woman again. There’s champagne and making out. Molechelle interviews that none of the other girls can hope to have what she and Brad just shared. “Boom!” she says, jabbing her fist at the camera. I wonder if she’s on some sort of medication that increases her testosterone levels. That would account for the aggression and hairy facial moles….

“Boom!”

They have a really boring conversation about Molechelle’s daughter and what Brad’s looking for. And Brad very maturely admits that if, at the end of this round of The Bachelor, he’s left standing with two women he cared for but didn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with, he’s walk away again. But, he doesn’t see that happening.

Since this conversation is boring me, let’s dish about Molechelle! Life & Style, the arbiter of all things true, has an interview with one Ms. Michelle Money, in which she claims to have had an affair with the NBA’s Carlos Boozer. I know, I had to look him up, too. He played for the Utah Jazz and was married at the time, although he was apparently divorced soon after he started dating Molechelle.

What I find most fascinating about this is that Molechelle’s last name is Money. Is this a real last name? Also, she claims to be an actress. She has appeared in such classics as “Blank Slate” and “The Legend of Awesomest Maximus.” Are those TV shows? Movies? Commercials? Softcore porn? I’m too lazy to go past the first page on IMDB so we’ll never know.

Mark my words… something else is up with her. Actresses just don’t up and move to Salt Lake City to do hair and hook up with basketball players. Salt Lake City is not the place to go if you want to be a big star and date black men. Unless it’s like the Hollywood of Mormonism and I’m just uninformed. When it comes to celebrities and black men I’m pretty well informed, though.

Back to the date. Brad gives Molechelle a rose. There’s more making out in the pool and as they kiss intensely, Molechelle sinisterly voices over: “he is mine.”

Some mighty bad actressin’.

It’s a new day and Brad is welcoming back his dimply foreign therapist Jamie for more girl talk and to reawaken my fantasies about the long, tall Texan and the cerebral, curly-haired shrink. Brad recaps what’s been going on for Jamie and Jamie encourages him to make sure that “the women are feeling it.” Oh yes, please.

But there is a problem that Brad wants to discuss. He likes to take things slow and all of this making out stuff is an issue. I’m not really sure what’s going on. Brad is not the most articulate person. I think he’s bothered by all the kissing he says he’s expected to do. Jamie asks who is expecting it. They decide the expectations are in Brad’s head and Jamie encourages Brad to explore all the connections he’s making fully and that it’s OK to have feelings for multiple women. “I’m very excited,” Jamie says. Me too, James, me too.

Over at the women’s house… red-head Lindsay, who we haven’t seen much of, interviews that the dynamic in the house has changed. Britt is happy that she has a rose. I only point this out because Britt is wearing a dress I have. It is fabulous. I wore it to a wedding. A friend of my sister was marrying an NFL player and had promised there would be plenty of hot, available football players for all of the women who wanted them. Pro-ballers for everyone! Of course, we show up and there’s like 30 other young, single women and 3 players who were neither hot nor available. It was a fiasco and we were dragged out of there by an angry, single woman who was our ride home and wanted to redeem what was left of the night by going clubbing. So, I hope Britt has more success with that dress than I did.

Brad pulls funeral director and serial frowner Shawntel aside, because she didn’t get a date this week. It’s all good. Morticia feels secure and isn’t nervous. Brad says Morticia always has a comforting look, like she’s using her eyes to measure how long his coffin needs to be. Morticia wants them to replay the action/adventure movie scene that shot last week in which she jumped into his arms and they made out.

Another woman attempts to live out an unrealistic Hollywood fantasy.

Brad meets with Meghan next. He says he admires that she is who she is, which means he hasn’t taken the time to talk to her and doesn’t know anything about her. They both agree that she has a wall up and he thinks she should put the wall down so they can go all in. Encouraging news for Meghan then, right?!

Something tells me she’s not his type…

Awhile later, Brad grabs blonde, Disney princess Emily. He has a present for her. He drags out a giant basket filled with wine and pillows and takes her outside. “You are sooo sweet tuh do that fer meee,” she drawls while the other women look on in disbelief. They are pissed. Meghan says that “actions speak louder than words.” For Slappy, it feels “like a punch in the stomach.” Molechelle isn’t happy, but is coping because her date with Brad was so amazing.

Faces of Death, Vol. 7

Outside, Brad is laying a blanket on the hard stone walkway in front of the house. He wants to re-create their vineyard date and also give Emily some killer bruises on her knees. He says that, in his mind, Emily deserved a few more minutes than a one-on-one at a cocktail party. I don’t think a lot goes on in his mind, so I’m proud of him. Brad and Emily might make a beautiful couple, but it sure would be boring. They talk about how awesome their last date was and Emily’s daughter. Snore.

Uncomfortable and awkward.

Back inside, the histrionics continue. Slappy is now crying. Eventually, she tracks down Brad who is hanging out with Muppet. Slappy needs to talk to him. Why? She needs to make something up very quickly, so she tells him that she’s concerned that he’s connecting with girls who are unstable. Is he looking for someone who’s emotionally needy? Because if he is, she has no chance. LOL, this lady is good. She claims to not have dating experience but she knows what’s up. Brad reassures her that he’s wildly attracted to the fact that she is the opposite of everythign he’s been with in the past. Slappy says she’s trusting that he’s man enough to get where he needs to be. I don’t know what that means, and neither does Brad, but he knows she just questioned his manhood, so he’s going to rise to the occasion. They finish off with some making out.

OK, rose ceremony time. Three people going home, three people have roses, there are eight roses to give out. And they go to: Squeaky Ashley S…. Honkytonk Badonkadonk Alli…. Dreamy Emily… Morticia… Lisa… Artiste and probable virgin Jackie… and Marissa, the sports publicist who we haven’t heard from since day one.

Brad can hand the final rose over to Muppet, Meghan, Stacey or Lindsay. And it goes to…. Muppet. That really sucks for Meghan, who he just encouraged to let down her walls because he likes the fact that she’s herself. I guess that just wasn’t good enough. She’s torn between being haughty and being sad. “He missed out on a great girl,” she says. “Sucks for me.”

Boston bartender Stacey seems the most upset. Never admit to cheating on your exes. It’s nobody’s business except for you and your ex. Stacey hopes she finds a new man to cheat on, soon. “I’m sick of dating,” she says.

Red-headed school teacher Lindsay P. is pretty bummed, but she was true to herself. Her dad is going to be so proud of her, she says, for being the daughter he and her mom raised her to be. Ahhh! I bet ya’ll thought we were going to get through an episode without one one of these emotionally maladjusted women mentioning her dad! Drink up, leboe!

Daddy Issues, Vol. 10

Next week we are going to have some serious things to discuss. Mainly, why the producers keep torturing Emily. According to the previews, they’ll be heading to Vegas and doing the NASCAR experience, which seems a little cruel and unusual given that Emily’s dead fiance was a race car driver who died in a plane crash. And they already put her in a small plane. What’s next? Dragging the corpse to a rose ceremony??