The Bachelor: Daddy Issues

It’s a bright new shiny day at The Bachelor mansion, full of hope and the possibility of love. Chris Harrison gathers our bridal hopefuls and tells them that this isn’t going to get any easier. Thanks, Chris.

“I just made $50K. Anyone wanna bone? I got more pastel shirts if that’ll sweeten the pot.”

Slappy (AKA Chantal O.) tells us that the pressure is going to reveal who, among the 17 remaining women, is crazy. I think she had crazy locked down the moment she slapped a total stranger, but she’s also right.

Chris leaves the first date card which reads “Ashley S., let’s find our love song.”

Southern Belle Ashely, you might recall, is the squeaky-voiced nanny who received the First Impression Rose from Brad a couple weeks ago. She is excited about the possibility of making out with Brad and starts squeaking about “what am ah gunna way-yur,” as she picks out her clothes. But Molechelle is not happy. “Brad needs a strong, confident loving woman,” she says. “These girls are not right for Brad. I’m not gonna lie. I hate them.”

Ladies and gentlemen: meet crazy.

Squeaky and Brad hit the highway and head to L.A. where they end up at Capitol Records. Brad says they’re about to do something that he considers a tortuous event. That’s how I plan all my dates. Hmmm, I think. What do I hate most that I can take my date to? We usually end up getting a Brazilian wax, followed by a tooth cleaning and then we wrap things up with some waterboarding. After all that, my date’s totally ready to go downtown, if you know what I mean. And that’s where we can avoid eye contact with all the sad people who are asking us for money. None of that is on the table for Brad and Squeaks. They’re going to record a song. Ashley says her southern accent might be charmingly squeaky, but her singing isn’t. But when Brad reveals that they’re going to be singing “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal, she thinks it’s a sign.

OK, so “Kiss from a Rose” was the bomb song back in the 90s, even though it was attached to that gawdawful Batman Forever film (Val Kilmer! What happened to you?? Stop eating!), but it was mostly nonsense. It was just Seal singing words that didn’t mean anything when he strung them together (although someone once told me it was about cocaine — sure, why not?.

So Ashley thinks it’s a good sign because she used to sing that song over and over with her dad. Unfortunately, her dad died two years ago from a brain aneurysm. But emotions be damned! She’s going to put those headphones on in the recording booth and kill it!

And kill it, they do. Ashley and Brad literally murder that song. They stab it and then chop it up and then pour bleach on it and set it on fire. Then they reanimate it and drop it off a building and roll over it with a Mac truck. They suck. And Brad ends it by saying “I apologize, Mr. Seal,” which is totally a southern thing to say. I was once laughed at for calling a Nation of Islam member “Mr. 2X,” but it seemed like the polite thing to do at the time.

“Now which of these buttons makes the lambs stop screaming?”

Anyway, speaking of Mr. Seal… Ash and Brad walk into a room and see a pianist… a guitarist… and…

Mr. Heidi Klum, himself!

Brad and Ashley sit down and cuddle and listen to Seal sing “Kiss from a Rose” and then another song that I can’t identify because “Kiss from a Rose” is the only song I’ve heard him sing. I would have paid closer attention, but I was distracted by this:

Channeling Gustavo’s mustache from last week’s episode.

Wyatt Earp and Ashley head up to the roof of Capitol Records, where dinner is waiting for them, along with a view of a gas station. Brad enjoys being with Squeaky, but he’s taking this rose thing very seriously, so he wants to ask her more questions.

This leads to Ashley squeaking about how hard it was to see her dad, comatose and helpless in a hospital bed and then ending with his death. She was terrified to sing today, but the song choice made her feel like her dad was with her tonight.

Of course, Brad can’t kick her off the show now, so he gives her the rose. They dance around and hug and then make out. Ashley says even though she lost her dad, she might get a great husband out of this. Kinda ick, no? This is not really a trade-off sort of situation. But I’m sad about her dad and happy she’s been tricked into feeling like she’s in love.

OK, time for today’s group date. Lindsay, Shawntel, Alli, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantal, Ashley H., Lisa, Stacey, Marissa and Michelle are called up for a date called “love hurts.” Guess who’s not happy about it.

The Dance of Anger

“What really hurts is being on this group date with all these other women,” she says before dissolving into tears. Is it possible that she’s never seen this show before? She seems completely unprepared for the fact that there are other women involved.

The group daters meet up with Brad, who starts to talk but is interrupted by an explosion! Then he’s attacked! He fights a bunch of dudes off with a shovel before saying “just another day at the office, ladies.” Ugh.

Hits like a girl.

So the activity of the day is to film an “action/adventure” movie directed by Steven Ho, a tiny man who sounds like he just entered puberty. The women’s mission today: rescue the bachelor. They get some martial arts training and Alli — the girl whose last boyfriend dumped her because her ass was too big and voluptuous and amazing — says she doesn’t want to sweat in front of Brad. So she won’t be rescuing anyone today, and Brad may very well die because of her vanity. I don’t know. We’ll see.

After the training session, the filming starts and while many of the women seem to be trying, funeral director Shawntel N. impresses Brad the most, what with her ability to asskick and her complete inability to look happy. She’s always making a stink face, which is what happens, I guess, when you work around embalming fluid all the time.

So, a roving band of ninjas have taken Brad’s clothes and tied him up to a post. I think a movie about gay ninjas who capture reality stars and strip their clothes off would be sooo cool. Get on that Hollywood. After Morticia murders the ninjas, she rips the duct tape off of Brad’s mouth. “What took you so long?” he asks. Then she makes out with him.

Guess who’s not happy about this.

That’s Molechelle under all that hair she’s pulling out.

Molechelle’s angry that Morticia is trying to step up from being an extra to a leading lady and wants to add a scene to the film in which she drop kicks Morticia. She then goes on to describe what her first kiss with Brad will be like.

“When I kiss Brad, I’m gonna give him, like, a sensual, sexy, slippery kiss. Fireworks are gonna be going off in the back. Ground,” she says creepily.

The only fire, though, is going off around Morticia and Brad who are wrapping up the flick.

The film ends with everyone getting nuked, apparently.

After the shoot is over, they have a wrap party by some awesome looking pool. They’re poppin’ champagne. Everyone’s swimming and having fun. And Slap Happy Chantal is looking for some one-on-one time. They sit down and she starts to get teary because every time she feels special around him, she realizes some other woman is feeling the same way.

Hoping to make her feel better, Brad asks her to tell him about the worst mistake she ever made. Slappy hasn’t talked to her birth father since she was nine. Recently, she tracked down his contact info and called. His wife answered and told Slappy that her father had recently passed away. And that taught her that she can’t live for tomorrow. She has to live for today. Brad says he likes seeing this soft side of her and that they have a lot of chemistry, so they do some sad, sad smooching.

Clearly, talking about dead parents isn’t on Brad’s boner killer list.

Up next for one-on-one time is Alli, the girl who was dumped for having an ass that refuses to quit. She’s in the middle of telling Brad about the relationship that ended because she was too good in bed, when company arrives.

Stalker photobomb

Poor Alli. Poor, fat-bottomed, butter face Alli. Molechelle has some sort of hypnotic hold on Brad. When he sees her standing there awkwardly and creepily, he excuses himself and leaves with her. They stand on a balcony and make idle chit chat and finally make out. No fireworks, but Molechelle got what she wanted so… there’s that. And Brad proved that a simple mind is no match for a nice body and a willingness to go full stalker.

Rose time. Tonight’s rose goes to Morticia for her asskickingness. Brad and Morticia make out a bit but they have no chemistry. I say Morticia is not for Brad. Back in the pool, they all gather around to watch the final cut of their epic action/adventure/thriller/suspense/romantic comedy film “Love Hurts.” While everyone is mesmerized by the explosions and ninjas and making out, Molechelle is fantasizing about the day when she has Brad to herself and the two of them are in Tahiti practicing their baby making.

Or the day that she tracks down the winner and slowly removes her scalp.

The next one-on-one is with Emily. Sad, beautiful Emily, with her melancholy eyes and giant veneers. Emily recently told her sad story to the other women of the house. Her tale of love lost. Her true love, killed in a plane crash on a trip she was meant to take. The bittersweet joy of realizing that she was pregnancy a week after the funeral. Being 18 and sad and pregnant. She reduced the other women to tears, and Madison, the model/vampire, was particularly moved. The other girls want to hate her, they say, but it’s so hard because “she has the soul of Mother Teresa.”

Emily still hasn’t told Brad all of this because she’s worried he might think she has too much baggage. So, the two of them are off on their date, which the date card promised would be “intoxicating.” And wouldn’t you know it, the first activity on their date is a ride in a small plane. Yikes. I think that’s pretty mean of the producers. They clearly know her story already. I guess they said, “hey let’s ratchet up the tension by terrifying one of the women and bring the pain of her fiance’s death to the forefront.”

You’ll either find love on The Bachelor or have a complete meltdown. Most likely both.

After the plane ride, they get into an antique car and drive to a vineyard. They sit among the vines and drink wine and make small talk and Emily is clearly holding back. She won’t answer his questions directly and he starts to think this won’t work.

“I hope you’re wealthy. I spend a fortune on tooth whitener.”

After sunset they have dinner in a candelit barn, which is like the least weird thing that’s happened on this episode. And after Brad’s night of many kisses, it’s also not the least hygienic thing, either. Finally, Emily opens up and tells her story and lets Brad know she has a daughter. She breathes a sigh of relief when he says the story makes him like her even more. Later, they sit outside in front of a fire and Brad offers her a rose. “Gimme that daggone rose,” she says excitedly, and then, of course, there’s making out. In an interview, Brad says he feels like he’s beginning a future with somebody. Although he doesn’t say who….

The next day, Brad is walking around his boxy mansion scratching his head. His L.A. therapist, Jamie, stops by to give him a pep talk. Jamie has a British accent and dimples, so I immediately trust everything he says.

Anyone else in the mood for a manwich?

Brad needs Jamie’s help, you see, because he did not find love the last time he was in this totally manufactured environment, so he must need help right? Oh, he also has daddy issues, which have made him put up walls. So they chat: Blah, blah, blah, open your heart, make yourself vulnerable, and allow the women to discover you.

Jamie encourages Brad to give the women the time they need to show Brad who they are. Jamie says Brad gave Emily the space to stop being polite, and start getting real, and he should do that for all of the girls. Pep talk out of the way, Brad pulls on a wrinkled shirt and drives over to the other house for the cocktail party and rose ceremony.

At the house, Brad’s first one-on-one is with Alli, the girl whose sugar walls are known to have killed many, many men. She’s also wearing a hideous dress.

“My sexual prowess is matched only by my great sense of style and claw-like hands.”

They talk about trust being really important to Alli. Her parents are divorced because her father was unfaithful and had a kid outside of their family. Good gravy these people have complicated home lives. Who knew so many men were out there wreaking havoc on their kids’ lives?? Brad lets her know that he’s never cheated.

He’s on his way to the next one-on-one when he passes by Molechelle who stops and whispers “can I have you?” He hugs her, but moves on to Slappy, who he thinks is really sexy, even though she slapped him. Or maybe he’s into that, who knows. I hear that’s a pretty popular kink. He and Slappy are gazing into one another’s eyes, both of them fantasizing about Slappy beating the hell out of him, when someone clears her throat nearby. Molechelle needs to talk to him, so he excuses himself and leaves with her, clearly antagonizing Slappy.

“This is our first fight,” Molechelle informs him once they’re alone. She was thrilled that they kissed, but then she found out he also kissed Morticia and Slappy. “Explain yourself.”

Brad says that the last time he was the Bachelor, he didn’t open up and didn’t kiss very many girls. So now he’s taking advantage of his new openess.

“My therapist told me to be more open. So I’m doing it with my mouth.”

Molechelle explains to him that she doesn’t want him pursuing anyone else, which sounds ridiculous to you and me. However, it sounds great to Brad’s penis, so his mouth says he loves how direct she is. Hey men, if you’re going to insist on dating the crazy, hot chicks, don’t get mad when they go all crazy on you. You know what you’re getting into. While all this is going on, resident vampire Madison has some things that are weighing on her mind and she needs to talk to Brad about it. And it’s going to require her to take out her fangs.

Time to quit dickin’ around and get serious.

So, it’s pretty obvious that the girl who walked in with fangs and a vampire fetish wasn’t taking this whole thing very seriously. But it sounds like hearing Emily’s story and getting to know Brad made her realize that this whole thing was very serious for some people. She tearfully explains all this to Brad who says he can tell she wants to be loved (?) but she’s having trouble handling all this. He says if he offers a rose and she doesn’t want to stay, she shouldn’t accept the rose.

His next tear-filled interaction is with Muppet dentist Ashley H. She wants to go home if he’s not capable of reciprocating her feelings. Ugh, this is all getting so old. Eventually they kiss and that shuts her up for awhile. He clearly has this game down now.

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony. Brad acknowledges that real feelings are being felt and special moments are being had. He adds that people who are having second thoughts shouldn’t accept roses.

The first rose goes to Molechelle, who keeps getting rewarded for her nutty behavior. The next rose goes to Molechelle’s mortal enemy, Slappy. And as Brad’s giving out roses, we keep seeing this:

Uh-oh. I think we know where this is going.

Madison steps down and walks out of the room without a word. When Brad finds her, she just stares at him and cries. She finally explains that she wouldn’t feel right taking a rose from a girl who has her heart on the line. They both say very nice things about each other and she’s ready to leave. On her way out, she interviews that it’s not so easy walking into a fairy tale and walking out with prince charming. “I just let a great man walk into the arms of some other girl,” she says sadly.

Back to the ceremony… roses go out to everyone except for Boston bartender Stacey, Kimberly (the grown up cabbage patch kid) and Sarah, who I can’t remember anything about. The final rose goes to Stacey.

Cabbage Patch Kim is a sore loser. Brad was intimidated by her, of course, which most men are. “Fuck Brad. His loss,” she adds. Yes, I’m sure. He missed out on the quiet one with the sailor’s mouth. He’ll live to regret it!

Sarah cries, mascara runs down her face, rejection sucks, she adds, wailing “I don’t want to go home.” Wow. Another bad home life, I guess.

This face pretty much sums up this episode. Tearful, sad, yet sleepy.

And there you have it…. So, compared to most of these girls’ fathers, Brad seems like quite the catch. And it looks like he’s taking this whole thing very seriously. I think what he’s really looking for is someone to be his best friend, boss him around a lot, and iron his shirts, so right now it looks like Molechelle’s a front-runner.

Next week there will be some making out and Molechelle gets a black eye. How do you think that happens? Anyone remember that scene from A Thin Line Between Love & Hate when they psycho lady beats herself up?