The Bachelor: Fear Factor

Hello, lovers. We can call on another lovers, can’t we? We’re all here for sweet, sweet love.

Although some of us may be here for a nap. Who knows?

You know who’s an expert in love? The producers of this show, that’s who. They know that the fastest way to love is sheer terror. It worked for Ashley Banfield on 9/11. Also at Abu Ghraib. That little finger pointing gal and her supervisor tortured those inmates and then got all frisky and had a baby. That’s why this week’s Bachelor used the time-tested torture porn method for getting our Bachelor Brad a little closer to finding The One.

There are 11 potential The Ones left, and Chris Harrison is here to tell them: congratulations, now get the hell out of the mansion. Pack your bags ya’ll. You’re leaving Los Angeles on your journey to find love. Next stop, Sin City. That’s right, peace out L.A., hello Las Vegas.

Sexy sex kitten who’s amazing at sex Alli is ready to hit up a wedding chapel. How does Molechelle feel about the trip? She’s ready for some bitches to leave because she needs more room for her luggage. Ah, stay sane Molechelle. Stay sane, girl.

These broads have some serious baggage. <rimshot>

So the trip to Vegas is special because they’re changing up the dates a bit. First off, everyone will be included in one of the three dates. There’s going to be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. That last one sounds hot to me, but based on the horrified looks on the womens’ faces, it’s obviously not a good thing. Because one of the girls on the two-on-one date will get eliminated immediately. Finally, someone’s getting cut. Brad’s been handing out those roses like ecstasy at a rave. Brad arrives in Vegas first and his welcome wagon is decidedly un-Vegas-like.

I lost my hair in a poker game. Also my wife and daughter. Can I get you some poker chips?

The women pull up to the Aria, the hotel where they’ll be staying. It’s “the most beautiful hotel, ever,” according to Molechelle. Eh. They all get out of the limo and take turns hugging Brad, who then leads the whole harem through the hotel.

All high rollers have an entourage of schlubby women.

Don’t be fooled by the Vegas fantasy sequence with the balding men and hot women, though. Brad is troubled. There are some women here who he doesn’t know as well as he should. There are others he knows, but isn’t sure about. He is totally confuzzled. No time for doubt now. They’re at the womens’ suite and it’s pretty hot. It’s two levels, has great furniture, and overlooks a bunch of ugly buildings. Brad takes off and leaves a date card behind. It says: “Shawntel N. Let’s end tonight with a bang.” The other girls make “ooooing” noises, as though this was a 1980s sitcom. Alli feels a chill go through her giant ass; she’s nervous and frustrated because she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet.

Later, Shawntel N. a/k/a Morticia meets up with Brad and jumps into his arms. Ugh. This is their thing now and it’s annoying. Her long arms and legs and her constant frowny face just make it look awkward every time she does it. For their date, Morticia and Brad are going shopping. Because she is a funeral director from Chico, this is a whole new experience for her. Morticia’s not even familiar with a bunch of stores at this high-end mall.

“Can we go to this place I saw on ‘Sex & the City?’ I believe it’s called Vuhr-sayce…”

Brad is excited, too. He says “it’s every single woman’s dream” to go from store to store and buy whatever she wants. I wonder if he means “every single woman” as in women who aren’t married? Or each and every one…. Brad finds Morticia sexy. Morticia says Brad makes her feel beautiful. Brad says Morticia is stylish and fun and he feels like he’s talking to a woman he can spend his life with. There’s a montage of them trying on outfits and picking out shoes and Brad saying “put it on the counter.” Ugh, I hate shopping with other people. I really hate trying things on. I’d much rather take that money and hit the blackjack tables.

Later, Brad sends Morticia back to the suite with all her giant bags. The purpose of her trip back to the suite? To change clothes and make all of the other women completely insande with jealousy.

Don’t do it, Molechelle! You’re the only interesting one!

Morticia shows off all of the dark-colored clothing she bought that will be perfect when she returns to the funeral home and Ashley S. squeaks out that it’s the perfect Pretty Woman moment that every girl dreams about. Newsflash dumbass: intelligent, competent, adult women don’t dream about being rescued from a life of turning tricks by a john who will buy them useless shit. What do you think happened to Vivian and Edward after they rode off in the limo together? Do you think they’re happy? Do you think they’re still together?? They’re not. Vivian’s in a trailer in Chico living off her alimony. She’s got two kids, three different baby daddys and a no-good boyfriend who hoards his welfare checks. Edward lives alone and still trolls Beverly Hills looking for a hooker he can trick, cause you know what? You can’t turn a john into a gentleman. The only one who’s happy is Kit. She got clean, invested her earnings in some Silicon Valley stock in the early-90s and she and her besties are on a yacht in the Carribbean for the season. Morons.

So. Anyway. Where were we? It’s nighttime in Vegas and Brad walks into the womens’ suite. He says he can feel the tension in the room until Morticia walks down in her new dress, shoes and mismatched handbag. They head out to the roof of the mall where dinner has been set up for them. Now it’s time to get down to something very serious Morticia has been meaning to discuss with Bradley. Her job as a funeral director and embalmer. Brad says he’s fascinated and is all ears. Morticia starts eating her sushi with her fingers and starts to very matter-of-factly talk about incisions, leakage and orifices.

“This reminds me of something… Vivisections, maybe?”

Brad says he’s not freaked out so she continues. Drain tube, vein drain… making fake ears for open casket funerals…. Still nothing. She moves on to her cross-eyed cat, Peaches. Man, I wish Peaches was here now. Their date is boring me. Brad gives her a rose because she’s “the hottest funeral director I’ve ever met.” I bet she’s also the frowniest one, too. As they’re standing there enjoying the rose and the fading scent of embalming fluid, fireworks go off and they kiss. Morticia is so relieved that she not only gets a rose, but that Brad accepts her passion for draining bodies and then filling them back up with chemicals. She ends the date right where she started it: up in Brad’s arms.

Group date time! The card is for Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal O., Britt and Michelle. It says “Let’s go speed dating.” At first this is exciting. Then the girls realize that Ashley S. and Ashley H. will be going on the two-on-one date, and one of them will be leaving forever. Initially the idea of “Smackdown 2011: Muppet Versus Squeaktoy” sounds both exciting and adorably violent. But then the Ashleys reveal that they are best friends in the house and are both really sad. This would have been more exciting if we’d known all along that they were supertight, but I guess this show’s about Brad, not women enjoying mature, blossoming relationships with one another.

OMFG

Squeaky says if the Muppet goes home because of her, she’ll never forgive herself. Molechelle hopes they both go home. The group daters take limos out of the city to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway where they’ll be racing stock cars. They’re excited. Molechelle, especially because she’s fun and hot and you should see her in a racecar.

Just blew her own mind.

A couple of the other girls are nervous, but none more so than Emily. As you may recall, Emily’s dead fiance was Ricky Henderson, a former NASCAR driver. We knew that. What we didn’t know was that Ricky had a career-ending crash at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. Yikes. That brings the fun to a screeching halt. Poor Brad. As usual, he’s clueless. But he knows this isn’t his normal type of clueless. He know’s that Something’s Up. With… Emily maybe? Yes, definitely with Emily. But she’s smiling! But her eyes look so sad. He’s gonna find out what’s going on.

After the others girls ride around for awhile, Brad pulls Emily aside to find out what’s going on. For the first time she tells Brad that Ricky drove for NASCAR. That after his crash, he moved to the owner’s side of racing and that’s why he was on the plane that crashed. He was on his way to a race. Brad says he feels like a jerk.

Date Fail

He cares for her alot and is number one concern is how she feels on the track. Emily swallows her emotions, puts on a helmet and gets into one of the cars. As she sits behind the wheel, she starts to cry. “I need to go check on someone I care about,” Brad says, and marches over to her car. LOL. What a line. It’s nice to have a doofus around to add some levity to these super serious scenarios.

Emily decides to push through the activity and drives around. She’s not very fast and admits she didn’t care about speed. She drives a couple laps for Ricky and one for herself. She’s ready to move on and find love again.

Good lord, get the girl a booster seat before *she* crashes.

Later, there’s the requisite pool party. Right away, Brad grabs Emily, much to the other girls’ dismay. Alli, in particular, is fed up with all of the attention Emily’s getting and says that just because someone comes to the show with the worst story doesn’t mean they should get the most attention. The other women look pretty horrified at this. If Alli had her way, the woman who has the biggest ass should get the most attention.

Unfortunately for her, Brad’s not a butt man. He’s concerned that Emily was in love once and has been single for six years and he’s worried that he won’t be able to fill the space Ricky left in her heart. Emily interviews that this same scene has happened millions of times with men who hear her story and then go running for the hills because it’s too much to handle. She assures Brad that she wouldn’t be here if she didn’t see something “totally amazing” in him. They head back to the other girls.

Next, Brad sits down with Alli who’s crying because, once again, her giant ass has failed her. There are 11 girls here, she tells him, and one great ass. But he keeps singling out one girl time and time again. Chantal O. also sees her position as the future Mrs. Slappy Womack fading away every time Brad pulls Emily aside. Slappy also accidentally says that she loves Brad, but then takes it back. She meant to say like. And if he doesn’t “feel” for her, she wants to be sent home.

This has been the worst group date ever for Brad. Everyone is sniveling and crying and accusing him of ignoring them. Nearby, Molechelle sits downwind. She sniffs the air and on that warm Las Vegas breeze wafts one of her favorite scents: the smell of a man close to defeat. Sensing the right moment, she pulls Brad into a cabana.

What happens in cabana 19 stays in cabana 19. Unless you have TV cameras with you.

“Lemme tell you somethin,’” Molechelle snaps. She launches into her spiel about all of the immature girls that surround her, the pinnacle of womanly maturity, when Brad announces that he doesn’t want to talk about the other girls. So they make out.

Later, it’s rose time. Brad grabs the rose and grabs Emily, not caring that the other girls are stabbing the Brad and Emily voodoo dolls they made while he was in the cabana. He wants to give Emily the rose to show her that he cares about her, not her past. They hug tightly, but no making out. I wonder what that means. Brad has some tells. When he’s not feeling a girl, he doesn’t look directly at her. And when he’s got a lot on his mind, he leans against things. I think he may be one of those guys who will hook up with girls who he doesn’t really see himself getting serious about.

Back at the hotel… two date cards have arrived for the two Ashleys. One is from Brad and it says “Come swing with the king.” Swinging? That’s Chris Harrison’s cue! He, too, has sent a card. It says: “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.”

Brad is both excited and sad about the two-on-one date. He has strong feelings about both Ashleys, but also has serious doubts about them both. For today’s date they’re going to check out Cirque du Soleil’s Viva ELVIS performance. Ugh. Cirque. Not a fan. They’re sooo creepy. Every reality show that’s taped in Vegas seems to include a Cirque tie-in. They should change the name of that town to Cirque Vegas.

Jailhouse Rock Fail

They watch the boneless acrobats perform for a bit. Squeaky squeaks that watching a bunch of freaks twist and contort all over the stage is romantic but she hopes she doesn’t have to perform. Sad news for her, then, because the artistic director comes out to tell them they’re going to have to perform. They’re going to learn some dance moves and then see who has the most chemistry with Brad. Guess who’s excited about it?

The dentist has been writing herself prescriptions for uppers again.

Back in the hotel suite, the other women seem to be in agreement that Muppet should be the one to go home, because she’s close to a meltdown anyway, and they just don’t feel like dealing with it.

Now that Brad and Squeaky and Muppet know the dance moves, they have to do them on a high wire. They take turns getting harnessed in and then they’re flung through the air. Brad’s dance moves seem to consist mostly of him saluting at no one in particular while “Lonesome Tonight” plays.

Later, they go to dinner where a rose is sitting on the table. Whoever gets the rose will be performing with Brad. As decision time nears, Brad wipes his sweaty palms on his thighs and says nice things about each girl. Squeaky has a great personality (uh-oh. That’s always the kiss of death.). Muppet helped him realized that he’s different from the last time he was on the show. And so the rose goes to her.

Brad walks Squeaky out. She squeaks and cries. She feels like she’s been punched in the gut. And the heart. Then she squeaks out some things that are too high-pitched for me to understand. It’s a super, super long walk to the limo that’s waiting out front for her. Back at the hotel, her bag has been taken care of.

Gigs have been hard to come by he can get since the White Stripes split. And he’ll be damned if he’s gonna work for that bitch, Celine.

Squeaky is particularly anguished because she keeps ending up in relationships with men who don’t end up wanting to be with her. “It just makes you feel like something’s wrong with you,” she squeaks. Eventually, she breaks down sobbing in her exit interview.

Brad goes back to Muppet and they get into costumes and makeup and make Elvis roll around in his grave with their performance.

The greatest fears of the opponents of the DADT repeal are realized.

As they dance and “Lonesome Tonight” plays, they are intercut with shots of Squeaky riding around in the limo by herself sobbing. Over and over again, we cut between the two. While everyone applauds Brad and Muppet, Squeaky whimpers alone in the limo. It is incredibly depressing. Oh well. You wanted to play the game, now it’s time to pay the piper, Squeaks, and that piper’s name is Chris Harrison. Dollars to donuts that limo’s headed to the No-Tell Motel and one snazzily-dressed sex addict.

No, not that one…

There ya go!

Before Brad meets with “the ladies’ one final time tonight, he needs a pep talk. So he calls up his therapist back in L.A. I wonder why he didn’t just call his normal therapist in Texas…. The mysteries of this show…. So, Brad and Jamie indulge in some girl talk. Jamie says Brad’s loyalty should be to his mission. The mission of finding a wife. Screw all those women and their “feelings.” They mean nothing if they’re not his wife!

The most interesting part of this conversation is how big and blue Brad’s eyes are as he struggles to understand what Jamie is talking about.

Whatever Jamie says, though, it makes Brad feel better and his ready to walk all over as many backs as he has to to find his wife. When he enters the womens’ suite, he announces that he’s here to find his wife, and he ain’t gonna take no more guff off of these whiny cry babies anymore.

Slappy grabs him first. He’s pretty shocked that she turned out to be such a drama queen. Imagine that! The woman who slapped you in the face the moment she met you turns out to be a drama queen! Will tonight’s surprises never end? Anyway, Slappy has her shit together now and says she’s in a good place. “I hope so,” says Brad. Slappy adds that she feels they’re both in a good place right now. Brad shrugs noncommitally. Uh-oh, Slappy. You’re on thin ice, there.

Next up for one on one time is Alli. Her whining on the group date finally got his attention, so he’s going to do something special for her. He’s brought champagne and a green and brown dessert. Green because she was wearing green the night that they met. Brown because her diet pills cause anal leakage. Now Alli feels special and Brad can ignore her for a couple more dates until he’s ready to cut her.

Marissa gets one-on-one time next. Marissa hasn’t gotten much face time with Brad up until this point. If you don’t remember her from episode one, she’s the sports publicist with the round, pinched face. It looks like all of her facial features have been smooshed into the center of her face.

She tells him she’s a random texter and note writer and she can’t do that here, so she’s got an evelope full of notes for him to read when he’s got time. Do we think Brad reads? I’m thinking this may not be a good idea.

Handwritten notes and a sparkly headband. Someone’s ready for marriage or middle school.

Later, Molechelle drags Brad into a bedroom, closes the door and tells him not to talk. At first things are looking up for Brad. I mean that’s setting the scene for some really steamy, naughty one-on-one time, right? But she just sits in his lap and talks to him about picking someone who appreciates everything about him, and some of the girls don’t realize what they have right in front of them. Brad tries to interrupt, but she covers his mouth and tells him that she’s different.

She drew on her bossy eyebrows tonight, so no talking back.

She talks and kisses and makes all sorts of crazy faces before releasing him, telling him he’ll be allowed to talk the next time they’re together. OK then.

As Brad leaves to get his roses, he says there was one woman who he was sure he was going to say goodbye to tonight. But now he’s not so sure. Hmmm… could Marissa have saved herself after all? Rose time.

“I know it’s been a very emotional week. And that’s because of your feelings for Brad,” Chris wisely says to the women before slinking away to a corner and sticking his hand through the hole he cut in his pocket earlier. Roses go to: Michelle, Alli, Britt and Jackie. So, will the final rose go to Marissa, Lisa or Slappy?

Slappy of course! He doesn’t even remember Marissa and Lisa. They cry. As she’s leaving, Lisa keeps it classy by saying he’s got some incredible women left. Later, she says this experience has made her question everything. Marissa says rejection hurts. She left everything behind in hopes of love. She has so much to give. She just needs someone who’s ready to accept it. Back in the hotel room, Brad toasts all of the women who are still there. Not the ones who have gone — ol’ whats-her-face and the quiet one.

And somewhere, in the desert, Squeaky keeps crying….

Coming up next week… trips overseas to exotic and sunny lands! Crying! Hot tubbing! Drama! Which is such a coincidence because I am also headed to an exotic and sunny place next week, too! Since the vast majority of you are probably snowed in now, I won’t rub it in by saying where. But you’ll be in good hands because some angel is stepping in to cover for me for the next episode and it is VERY much appreciated.

Until next time, lovers….