Big shout out to BellaCucina and bBitz who filled in for me last week! Their hilarious Bachelor re-cap got me all caught up with what I missed. I was supposed to be on a fun, relaxing vacation but ended up starring in some sort of Bridezillas/Real Housewives/Idiot Abroad hybrid. Fortunately there were no cameras present. If there were, I’d be skewered on this very site immediately.
Let’s jump right in!
Wet blue waters. Sunny warm sunshine. Sandy white sand. Anguillany beautiful Anguilla. A scene “right out of Baywatch” reports Muppet Ashley. It’s week seven of The Bachelor and that means we’re just two short hours away from the hometown dates. Six women are left but only four will get to take Brad home to meet their families and see the obscurity they’re living in before they found reality TV fame.
According to Chris H., this is going to be the most important week of their lives. More important than when they graduated from school. More important than when they gave birth to their kids. More important than that year when all their daddy issues began. Those who don’t get roses might as well off themselves because life is all downhill from here.
Chris explains that there will be three one-on-one dates with no roses. There’s going to be one “pretty incredible” group date and one woman in the group will receive a rose that will guarantee her a hometown date.
Baywatch. With more clothing. And less boobs.
Britt is desperate for a date. She hasn’t had a one-on-one yet and needs to “catch up.” But the first date card isn’t for her. It reads: Three things I would bring to a deserted island: picnic lunch, champagne, Emily.
Hmmm. Unless Emily is a secret survivalist I’d leave her off the list. I’d take Bear Grylls. First we’d bone. Then he’d build us a yacht using a twig, palm fronds, and a rotting animal carcass. Then we’d bone again.
No one ever said Brad was a genius, though, so he’s insisting on taking Emily. He interviews that she has everything he’s ever looked for and he’s afraid he doesn’t deserve her. They start in on the champagne when yet another helicopter shows up. They’re in for one of the most romantic dates he’s ever planned in his whole entire life, he says. I’d love to know about these other romantic dates he’s planned without the help of TV producers. I’m guessing they involve a ride in his Camry to whichever Austin bar has 2-fer-1 PBRs that night.
They take the helicopter to an “island” that looks more like a sand dune dropped smack dab in the middle of the ocean. One good wave would take that thing out. It’s appropriately called Sandy Island. The helicopter leaves them there and then there’s a whole lot of silence.
“What are you thinkin’?” Emily asks Brad.
“It’s a really cool view.” Ugh. Wake me up when this date is over. This is why we need people like Molechelle around. But she’s not on this date, so we have to watch Emily and Brad talk about emotions and being nervous and stuff. And Brad says he cares more about her than he should say and they kiss.
Later that night, they’re on the beach having dinner when Brad brings up the hometown dates. He wants to know if Emily will introduce him to her daughter. At that question, Emily heaves a big sigh, which Brad calls her out on. She explains that she’s never introduced her daughter to any of the men that she’s dated and she’s scared. But she admits that she can’t expect Brad to propose to her if he’s never met her daughter.
Brad tells her that he shouldn’t say anything but he’s definitely going to give her a rose which means they’ll definitely be doing a hometown date. “I don’t care about the rules right now. I care about Emily,” he defiantly tells the camera.
Another date, another ugly dress from Emily.
He and Emily stand in the water and make out and Emily says she’s the happiest person in the world. Awww. NEXT!
The next one-on-one date is with Shawntel N., the willowy and frowny funeral director. Morticia meets up with Brad who’s on the streets of some town in Anguilla with a couple of bikes. They’re going to ride around town so they’ll know what a “real date” feels like. They ride around and then go to a farmer’s market. Morticia says it’s a perfect date.
Stuff white people like.
They mingle with the locals and meet an old lady who says a bunch of dumb stuff about being in love. But because she’s a black woman who introduces herself as Auntie Bea, they believe her. That’s why Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben move so much syrup and rice.
The Next Bachelorette.
Later, they go to a field where a bunch of goats are running around. They sit down in Goat Poo Pasture and enjoy some wine and the heady stench of fertilizer. Morticia tells Brad she’s falling into love with him. He tells the camera that this is making him think, which is really hard and painful. But the conclusion he’s come to is that the rest of the date better be awesome because Morticia has to compete with Emily, who is prettier.
That night Brad and Morticia go to another dinner on the water. She drives home that she’s falling for him and really wants to bring him to beautiful Chico to meet her family. As they talk about family, Brad talks about his twin brother and I realize that the bro’s name is Chad. I find this hilarious. Brad and Chad. Is that on purpose? Is Brad’s full name Brad and not Bradley? I want to Wikipedia this, but I’m not going to because I prefer to think that their mom thought it would be adorable to rhyme their names, not thinking ahead to when they were grown-ups. Or maybe I’ll find out that Chad’s full name is Chadley. Bradley and Chadley would be even more hilarious.
But back to this serious, romantic conversation… Morticia is telling Brad that he’ll fall in love with Chico. “Maybe I already have. Ooooo!” he says, practically high-fiving himself. Nerd. Later, it starts raining so they make out, pawing at one another’s necks and faces.
A little early in the relationship to introduce auto-erotic asphyxiation, no?
Morticia says it can’t get any better. Not so fast, Brad says. He’s “planned” another surprise. A bunch of people walk out and then there’s a concert played by the most famous musician in all of Anguilla.
The concert must not be that good, because they leave and go down to the beach to frolic in the water in the dark.
Anguilla’s hottest boy band.
It’s time for the final one-on-one date and Britt finally has her shot at the big time. This is your chance, champ. Pull out all the stops. Bring your charm, wit and confidence. Bring the sexy. The date card says “Britt, let’s set sail on the sea of love.” Molechelle says she thinks there’s a good chance that ship will go down. Hmmm. A threat? Or foresight? We will soon find out….
After picking Britt up, Brad walks her down to the beach. From there they can see a big ol’ yacht out in the water. It looks awesome, but Brad says they have to swim out to it. Hmph. It looks really far away. The other girls watch from shore, secretly praying for a drowning and/or shark attack. Molechelle thinks the yacht is a waste on Britt. Britt and Brad sound cute, she says, but she doesn’t see them getting married. Or even friending one another on Facebook.
Or surviving the swim to the yacht.
The yacht drives? floats? goes around Anguilla and they stop at a giant cliff, which they swim over to and climb up. Then Brad jumps off the top. It takes Britt some effort to get geared up enough to jump. She says she’s terrified and that’s a typical feeling for her. Also, for a food writer and cook, she’s awfully skinny. Like bony. Time to fatten up, honey.
Nice girls keep their clavicles and femurs covered up.
Eventually she jumps. Then Brad and Bag o’ Bones sit on the beach and look at the water. She says she likes Brad but is afraid of rejection and has trouble showing her feelings. She says when you fall for someone, you know. This is followed by awkward silence.
Brad interviews that they were in one of the most romantic places in the world, but he wanted to neither wine, dine, nor 69 Bony Britt.
Later, they have dinner on the yacht. Britt says that she can be more relaxed because she doesn’t have to worry about whether or not she’s going to get a rose. Poor thing. Poor delusional thing. She eats while Brad starts the generic break-up spiel about her being a nice girl and being sweet and all, but he just doesn’t see a future with her.
Not really pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ down.
Britt doesn’t look too worried and says she’s not giving up. More time might bring them closer. Ummm… no. Your time here has ended. Brad kicks her off the yacht. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to swim back. The little man in the boat is waiting to take her ashore, and the only salt water on her face is from her sad, sad tears.
Of course the final date of the night is for Ashley (aka Muppet), Chantal O. (aka Slappy), and Molechelle. Their date card reads: “this is the dawn of a new love.” They should have known something was up after reading that, but they’re still surprised when Brad shows up in their bedrooms with a flashlight at 2 a.m. and wakes them up. To the girls’ credit, they don’t look hideous. I don’t know about ya’ll, but I look (and smell) like a beast when I first wake up. I don’t want any potential husbands or cameras around until a series of power washings, shellac-ings, air brushings, and something involving lots of chemicals sealed in with a flat iron takes place.
“Ben Franklin, is that you?”
Anyway, the women are up and looking OK and Brad tells them they’re going to do something that millions of girls dream of doing. Hmmm. What could it be? They’re going to become doctors? Lawyers? President? Make a difference in their communities? Oh. They’re going to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. So that’s what men think we’re all dying to do, huh? Show our boobies off in a sports magazine. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about being in SI. If I had Irina Shayk’s body, that might be my dream, too, although I’d like to think I’d be way too preoccupied with Cristiano Ronaldo to have time for magazine shoots. Anyway. Not MYdream.
Not Muppet or Slappy’s dream either. Muppet wants a boob boost and Slappy’s feelin’ fat. Guess who’s excited about this date activity, though… Molechelle, of course. This may not get her anywhere with Brad, but surely it’ll further her modeling/acting/hair dressing career.
The photographer is a giant hobbit who takes a few shots of Ashley before he casually mentions how amazing it would be if she took off her top. She does and covers her boobicles with spiny sea shells.
Chantal rolls around in the sand and takes her top off, too. Brad says this makes him nervous. Not because he’s never seen boobies before. No, of course he totally went to second base that one time with the girl on the football field. But he thinks the other girls might be getting upset.
All kinds of awkward…
He shouldn’t be worried about Molechelle, though. She says she’s done some modeling and is going to show these other gals a thing or two. She invites Brad to lie on the sand and then she straddles him and starts touching him in very intimate ways. When the large hobbit snapping photos announces that he’s done, Molechelle makes him continue shooting.
Brad is *clearly* uncomfortable and upset right now.
Brad whines that Molechelle got aggressive and it gave him a boner, so he allowed the risqué photo shoot to continue, even though Slappy and Muppet were clearly unhappy. The date’s not over yet and he’s worried it’s going to get worse before it gets better.
Later, at the requisite pool party, Brad has one-on-one time with Muppet who says that she can see the passionate, sexy connection that Brad and Molechelle have, but she can’t tell how Brad feels about dramatic muppets with small breasts. Brad assures her that while she may not be as hot and voluptuous as Molechelle, she has a great personality.
Later, Brad tells Molechelle that he’s afraid that they’re too much alike, which is another generic thing guys say when they want to break up with you. Molechelle can smell defeat, so she starts blabbering nonsensical things that may work on married basketball players, but don’t fool the producers who are advising Brad.
After some more snoozy back and forth, Brad finally gives a rose to Muppet, which means she gets a hometown date. Molechelle glares at him and Slappy cries and wants to be sent home.
I think they’re just as upset about the leisure suit as they are about not receiving a rose.
Pre-rose ceremony cocktail party time. The women are all dressed up and ready to cocktail. Brad stands alone, looking at their photographs. He seems quite shocked when Chris H. walks up to him. Brad pulled Chris away from the hotel singles bar to meet him because they need to talk. Brad has made his decision and a the cocktail party won’t be necessary. Chris says that this is HUGE, but preps the women for the change in plans. “If I go home tonight, I’m gonna be fucking pissed,” Molechelle warns us. And then she starts to cry.
Rose ceremony time and Brad is 100% confident in his decision. His first rose goes to Emily…. Second rose goes to Morticia. Our two mortal enemies – Chantal O. and Michelle – are up for the final rose. And it goes to Chantal.
Michelle hugs the other girls goodbye. As she starts to walk out, Brad asks if he can hold her hand. “Probably not,” she snaps. She says nothing as he walks her to the limo and bids her goodbye. She climbs into the car silently. She lies down on the seat and doesn’t speak cry or move. The camera stays on her for a really long time, but nothing happens. It is quite creepy.
Faces of death….
Brad says letting Michelle go was bittersweet, but he knew their physical attraction would have worn off soon and they’d be left butting heads.
So! That’s it before our hometown dates! Weren’t you surprise by Michelle’s reaction? I kind of expected her to lose her shit. I hope there’s a post-elimination interview or something out there…. Does The Bachelor have a reunion show? We’ll miss you and your hairy mole Michelle! But something tells me we haven’t seen the last of you… Hey! Maybe Michelle will be the next Bachelorette. That would be an amazing, terrifying train wreck!