The Bachelor Recap: Attack of the Tierrable!

Hey there, Gasmii! PopePhilly back for this week’s episode of “The Bachelor.” Last week, we saw Kacie get permanently placed in the friendzone after she inserted herself into some drama that had absolutely nothing to do with her. Also, we saw the departure of two ladies that I’ve already forgotten and it’s likely Sean has as well. Before we get into it, let’s take another look (laugh) at Kacie’s hideous scuba diver dress!

I hope this came with flippers and a snorkel.

We start off the day with Chris meeting with the 13 remaining ladies to bring them a date card. Before they actually read the date card, we cut away to Sean walking around in his underwear because of course he is. I’ve never really watched “The Bachelorette,” but do they routinely show our “stars” walking around in bras and panties on that show? I’m just curious. Anyway, Sean wants to make sure the ladies trust him. Why wouldn’t they trust a man who is pretty much picking a potential wife out of a harem?

Back to the ladies, Selma finds out she’s going on the first one-on-one date. She’s excited because Sean will finally get to see the real her. Who has she been any other time he’s spoken to her? We’re getting a lot of time with Leslie H. after not seeing her at all for the last three episodes. This does not bode well for her. We all know what sudden screen time means.

Sean tells us that he’s had a connection with Selma from day one and he’s been looking forward to this date for a long time. If he really has such a great connection with her, why didn’t he pick her for the first date? Why wait all this time to go out with someone you really want to spend time with? He continues that people are quick to judge Selma because of her looks. I bet she’s also getting judged because she talks like a baby and decided that the best way to find a man was to go on a reality show with a horrible track record. 

She’s not just a pretty face. She’s also fake boobs. 

While in the limo, Selma tells Sean that if they’re salsa dancing, he’s going to watch out with ten broken toes. She wants to know if he can handle all 110 pounds of her on his feet. This is where I choke on my wine a little bit. 110 pounds? I have to channel Jim Carrey here and say, “Yeah, in your bra!” There’s no way I believe that. I’m not calling Selma fat or anything, but she definitely has some curves and she seems a bit on the taller side – at least taller than someone who has any business weighing 110 pounds. Hell, that’s on the low end of healthy for me and I’m 5’2″. 

Selma tries to “put two and two together” as they pull up to the airport. I’m going to guess that they’re flying somewhere. I wonder how long it took Selma to realize that. Sean tells her they’ve traded in the helicopter for a private plane. Ooh, Sean’s mixing it up for us a little bit. Selma wonders if every date will be like this from now on. Well, assuming Sean even picks you, Selma, eventually he won’t have the franchise’s money to spend. Then it will be pizza and beer on the couch for the two of you. 

Instead of going somewhere glamorous that would merit a private jet, Selma and Sean go out to the desert. You know, in real life, if a guy takes you on a “surprise” date to the middle of the desert, you get worried. In “The Bachelor” universe, it’s romantic! However, I’ll give Selma a few points for saying what we’re all thinking: “He took the Iraqi to the desert.” I guess she is Iraqi. There was a bit of a question in the comments of the minicap about whether or not she was ethnically Iraqi or if she was born in Iraq but some other ethnicity. Now we know!

 GO JOE!

When the plane lands, Sean and Selma immediately hop into a Jeep and drive off into the desert. They’re in Joshua Tree National Park. Selma is terrified as she should be because this date has “Ted Bundy” written all over it. She’s freaking out over the heat (“I feel puffy”), a snake hole, and just everything. Sean reveals to her that they’ll be doing some rock climbing. Now Selma is complaining about hating heights. Really, this chick has done nothing but complain this entire date. Can we please put her in the “dead to me” pile? Despite all the whining, Selma makes it to the top of the rock. There is celebrating and cuddling and other general mushy stuff. 

After the rock climbing, it’s time for dinner…at a trailer park. Apparently, all the RVs have their own theme. Selma calls it “country glam.” I call it “trailer trash.” Tomato-tomahto. 

Any more trailers and we’d have to air this show on TLC.

They sit down outside one of the RVs to have dinner. They drink their wine which is most likely from a box. Sean wants to know the best part of Selma’s day. She says the rock climbing part because, well, that’s all they did. Selma wants to know why Sean is single. Apparently she didn’t watch last season of “The Bachelorette.” Anyway, Sean goes on about his one serious relationship since college. She wanted to get married, he wasn’t ready, so they broke up. As they’re talking, Sean tells us that he wants to kiss her and he knows she wants to kiss him too.

Sean dives into his favorite subject – family. Selma actually says, “There’s a lot you don’t know about my family.” That’s because he’s known you for all of a few days, Selma. Of course he doesn’t know much about your family! I’m starting to think that Selma might be stupid. She tells Sean that she grew up in a very strict Arabic home where they can’t date. Selma interviews that, because her family is very strictly Muslim, her mother would probably have a heart attack if she kissed a man on national TV. I wonder what dear old mom thinks about the way Selma dresses and the amount of plastic surgery she seems to have had. Also, she is lying about not being able to date publicly. After a little digging, I found that she split from Mike Napoli of the Texas Rangers right before she was chosen for “The Bachelor.” You don’t get much more public than dating a pro athlete.

She even has her own profile on playerswives.com.

Back at the house, the ladies get the date card for the next day. Tierra is generally complaining and hoping that her name is not on the card. Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, Sarah, and…TIERRA!!! will be going on the next day’s date. Sean is “looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.” I hope that means they’ll just spend the next day hitting each other.

Meanwhile, at the Trailer Park of Love, Sean and Selma are gazing at each other “Twilight” style. Selma finally tells Sean she can’t kiss him. He immediately knows that it’s because of her strict parents. Selma admits that her mother was not happy that she came on the show. Her mom was probably pissed because her daughter left a professional athlete for a reality TV whore.

How much do you make again?

Although Sean can’t give Selma a kiss, he does give her a rose. He tells her that he’s crazy about her and wants to spend more time with her. However, he’s not crazy enough about her to not date 12 other women at the same time. Sean does say that if he has to wait to kiss Selma, he will. Selma tells us that everything is “picture perfect” and that she can see a “beautiful future” with Sean. Can we drink every time someone says “fairy tale” or “prince charming”?

The next day, it’s time for the group date. Robyn tells us how excited she is and I realize that her voice is really annoying. It’s like a deeper version of the “valley girl” voice. Every sentence goes up at the end like she’s asking a question. We also learn that it’s Sarah’s first group date! This is apparently her first date since having the very first date of the season. Lindsay, clearly the Mensa candidate of the group, thinks they’re going to get in “those giant hamster ball cages” and roll down a hill. Thanks for that, Lindsay.

Sean meets the ladies at the roller rink. Sarah interviews that this is her time to shine and to show Sean that she really can roll with the punches. Well, in Sarah’s case, she’d just roll with the punch. She doesn’t think having one arm will hold her back today – which means that she’s going to complain about only having one arm all day. The ladies walk inside to see that they’ll be participating in roller derby today! There is general complaining and fear and I think this is a good time to take a break from all the bitching and listen to something kind of related: 

Way better than hearing these bitches speak.

One of the women skating welcomes the ladies to the rink. They’ll be learning the ins and outs of roller derby and will be participating in an actual competition at the end of the day. Sean is excited to see who will get a little aggressive. My money is on Tierra. She confirms this by telling us that she’s ready to “knock some biatches down.” Sean immediately calls it when he says that Amanda and Tierra are going to get competitive. Amanda is a little smart and tells the other team that she’s done this before. Then she loses the “little smart” by saying that Robyn not being able to stand up straight is because she’s intimidated. Forgive any typos here. It’s hard to see the screen when I’m facepalming so hard.

There’s lots of falling and it’s pretty funny. Wait, so Robyn has fallen on her face at the rose ceremony? When did this happen? We don’t have time to remember that because Sarah is complaining about only having one arm again. She doesn’t have great balance (presumably because of her lack of an arm) and she doesn’t have two arms to prop herself up again. She’s worried that she’s going to be unable to impress “an amazing guy.” Sarah, sweetie, if a guy doesn’t like you because you’re not good at roller derby, then he is just an ass and you should probably stop crying about that.

What? You’re not good at roller derby!?!?! This isn’t going to work out.

AhsLee gives us our feel good moment when she interviews that she doesn’t see Sarah as having a disability and that she’s a strong woman. Thanks for that, AshLee. Sean doesn’t want to push Sarah to do this if she can’t, but she wants her to do it because he knows she’ll feel like she really accomplished something. He does seem genuinely understanding when he sits down to talk to Sarah. I’ll give Sean that much. However, I want to punch Sarah in the face. Two episodes ago she was acting all pissed off because someone told her she couldn’t go ziplining. She gave a huge speech on how she can do anything everyone else can…except for roller derby, apparently. Sarah needs to stop playing the victim.

Some more practice goes on. Then we have our first unintentional (*cough*Tierra*cough*) injury of the season when Amanda face plants it! Her jaw is in a lot of pain. They even have to call an ambulance. There is a possibility that her jaw may be broken. Amanda heads off to the hospital.

Will I be able to give blow jobs again?

Sean feels terrible that Amanda got hurt. However, he doesn’t feel terrible enough to go to the hospital and make sure Amanda is OK. Anyway, in light of one person already having to go to the hospital, Sean has decided that they’re going to forget the competition and just go old school. It’s free skate time, bitches! I suddenly feel nostalgic. This was totally my couples skate jam back when I was in 6th grade: 

I may or may not still own this album.

Sean and his brothel go out for a skate-free evening. We hear some menacing music as Tierra tells us that she is losing her mind because there are so many other women around. Losing? Really? There is still some sanity there? I thought that ship sailed long ago!

The first person to be singled out for some alone time is Sarah. He respects her a lot for still skating despite her only having one arm. At first, I thought that Sean really liked Sarah and was genuinely encouraging her to get outside of her comfort zone. However, he’s starting to come across as patronizing. I’m not sure if this is intentional. I think Sean is a genuinely nice guy who wants to show Sarah that he doesn’t care that she’s missing an arm, but he’s starting to overcompensate.

Meanwhile, the ladies are chatting. They try to include Tierra in the conversation, but she’s being her Seaward self. She interviews that she doesn’t want a sympathy rose. She wants a rose because Sean wants her to be there. The interview is cut off by Amanda returning to the group! Sean takes her off for some alone time. Amanda tells us that she’s going to milk the injury for all it’s worth because, unlike Tierra, she’s all about the sympathy rose. 

As always, we cut back to the house at this point where another date card has arrived. It’s a one-on-one date for Leslie H. Along with the card, she also gets a pair of diamond earrings. Hell, I’d rather have the earrings than the date with Sean. She screams that this is like “Pretty Woman.” So, that makes Leslie H. the prostitute?

I just don’t kiss on the mouth. 

On the date, things are starting to reach a head with Tierra. She’s just being a little bitch. She got made because Robyn asked a question to AshLee and Sarah. I hate Tierra even more when she pronounces it “fustrating.” In a moment alone, Tierra tells Sarah that she’s about ready to walk out because she doesn’t trust anyone. She finally walks up to a producer/PA/someone standing around to say that she wants to leave. After that, she walks out to find Sean. All the while, Tierra is telling us that she can’t take the fakeness from the other women. I’m pretty sure that they ladies aren’t being fake – they legitimately don’t like her. Also, Tierrais the one calling the other woman fake?!?!

Pot, there’s a phone call for you. It’s the kettle. He wants me to tell you that you’re black.

She cries and whines that she’s breaking down inside (apparently outside as well) and that she can’t be tortured like this anymore. With that, she interrupts Sean just as he’s about to get his hot tub on with…Lindsay, I think? I’m not sure who some of these girls are yet. Tierra goes into her sob story telling Sean that she’s having a hard time on the show and that she’s having a difficult time seeing her with other women. Sean knows that Tierra is emotional and sensitive (clingy and insecure). She doesn’t want the sympathy rose, but Tierra apparently has no problem getting the manipulation rose. Her little ploy worked. As Sean gets up to leave, Tierra gives an evil little smile. Sean comes back and tells Tierra that he’s crazy about her. What a fucking twat. Sean may want to check his kitchen for boiled rabbits when he gets home.

I won’t be IGNORED, Sean.

It’s t he next day, and Leslie H. is getting ready for her date with Sean. As she interviews about it, I realize why we don’t hear much from her. She is the most annoying person in the entire universe. She tells us that she is “super duper duper duper duper excited” about this date. One “duper” is enough to make me want to punch anyone in the face. She asks, “Who gets diamond earrings on their first date?” My guess is someone who will likely need a consolation prize by the end of the date. 

Sean pulls up to the house telling us that he had an immediate connection with Leslie H. Really? When did that happen? I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen them interact. Also, Leslie H. talks in super annoying cartoony voice that just seem forced – like she’s trying to show that she’s funny. Sean thinks that Leslie M. deserves to be treated like a princess so he has planned a date based on “Pretty Woman.” I’m pretty sure that Sean has never seen that movie because it is DEFINITELY not about princesses. However, Leslie H. does kind of have the same giant mouth that Julia Roberts has.

Vivian got a little more than a rose at the end of her dates.

Sean is taking Leslie M. shopping on Rodeo Drive. How is that a date? This really does reek of “consolation prize.” Basically, Sean is treating Leslie H. to lots of shiny new things so that he doesn’t feel so bad about cutting her loose at the end of this date. They are literally not talking about anything other than what they’re going to buy. There is no way that these two have a connection and it’s painfully obvious throughout this entire segment. 

Sean’s hoping the shiny necklace will distract Leslie M. when he dumps her ass tonight.

The two leave their little shopping spree and head off to dinner. Sean is hoping that dinner will bring out some romantic feelings for Leslie H. He wants to know intimate details about her past. Why the hell does he always bring up past relationships on a first date with a woman? If any guy did that to me on a first date, I’d probably get up and leave. That’s not any of his business ON A FIRST DATE! Apparently, the men Leslie H. has dated have gotten married right after they date her. Their date is pretty boring. They talk about Sean’s favorite go-to topic: family. He apparently has nothing else to say. With that, Sean tells the camera that the romantic connection with Leslie H. just isn’t there.

We immediately cut back to the house where the ladies are wondering what they’re doing on their date. It’s during this conversation I realize that Selma should wear makeup ALWAYS! Holy Skeletor! I wish I could find a picture of it. On second thought, you are probably better off not seeing it. Without all the makeup, Selma’s plastic features are VERY obvious. Also, there is no way that woman is 29. 

We go back to the date. Sean is still asking Leslie H. about what she wants in a man. All the while, he’s telling the camera that he’s not feeling the romantic connection with her. He’s kind of a dick when he finally ends things with her. He picks up the rose like he’s going to give it to her, but says he just didn’t feel the romance click. Sean is kind of an ass hole right now. He walks her out to the car, Leslie H. gives back the necklace, warns him about some of the girls in the house, and then drives off. 

That sad look is because she had to give back the necklace. 

On the upside, I don’t have to differentiate between Lesley M. and Leslie H. anymore. I’m glad he got rid of one of them before it got super annoying. I’m not sure why Leslie H. is so sad. She got diamond earrings, a new dress, new shoes, and a new purse out of the experience. That’s a lot more than most women get. Ha! We see Sean dramatically drop the rose over the balcony. Back at the house, the other ladies watch as a man comes in and takes Leslie  H.’s bag. Wait a second, did she have to pack her bags before she left on the date in case he didn’t pick her? Do all the ladies have to do that before they go on a date? That’s horrible!

It’s time for the final cocktail party! Tierra and her stank attitude interview that she’s happy Leslie H. went home because she wants to be the one with Sean at the end. I hate Tierra even more when she says that, in order for her and Sean to be together, “there needs to be less girls.” The grammar nerd in me is screaming “FEWER! FEWER! FEWER GIRLS!!!!”

Now I just straight up hate you.

Sean takes some time with AshLee. They just sit and compliment in each other and bask in their mutual beauty. After that, it’s time for Robyn to hang out with Sean for a bit. Her chocolate pickup line is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. It wasn’t even clever. 

Meanwhile, Tierra is talking to Amanda about how Robyn attacked her for no reason on the group date. Apparently, Tierra didn’t see the same thing we saw. For some reason, Tierra pulls aside Robyn and Jackie. I completely forgot there was someone named Jackie on the show. Anyway, Tierra apologizes for what happened on the group date. However, it’s kind of a half-assed apology. Jackie says the first thing she’s said all season when she tells Tierra she appreciates her apology. Then Tierra admits the apology was fake. Of course it is. 

Sean and Tierra sit down and we see the “sweet” side of Tierra’s personality. She wants Sean to know that she hates drama. I think hearing those words out of her mouth just gave me an aneurysm. I need some more wine to get through the next few minutes of this. Sean doesn’t see Tierra’s constant need for reassurance as a bad thing. He thinks it’s because she’s emotional and passionate. I think it’s because she’s insecure and clingy. They’re the same thing, really.

Catherine emerges as the voice of reason when she tells the other ladies that whatever Tierra does is none of her business unless it directly affects her own relationship with Sean. With that, Catherine goes off on a little walk with Sean. She tells him that they never waste time when they’re together. I didn’t realize that had actually spent any time together before this moment.

And your name is?

Time for the rose ceremony! Tierra and Selma already have roses. Sean tells the ladies that this was a very emotional week this week with its highs and lows. He’s confident that his wife is in the room. With that, the first rose goes to Catherine. After that, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley (who looks HIDEOUS in bright red lipstick and bright blue eye shadow), Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, and Jackie get roses. It’s the final rose. It goes to…Daniella. Really? Has she spoken the last two episodes? I thought she got kicked off a while ago. That means Amanda and her ridiculously dark lipstick are going home. Seriously, for a model, that girl has no idea how bad her face looks. 

Girl, that is not your color.

Fuck. I have to watch and recap two episodes next week?!?! Are they each one hour episodes? I’m going to need to go buy a lot more wine for that.