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This week The Bachelor World Tour takes us to Panama City, Florida, where we will see topless Spring Breakers. Woo-hoo! Wait. We’re in Panama City, Panama? Well, chances are Courtney will get topless, so it’s like over-the-hill Spring Breakers. Right away Courtney tells us she wants to go skinny-dipping with Ben again. What a whore. Everyone is amazed that Panama is so “metropolitan” because they all thought it was all tribal and shit.
Kacie B. gets the one-on-one date and Blakely tackles her. Courtney thinks Kacie B. will go home. Instead, she goes on a helicopter with Ben. What is it with this show and helicopters? How much is ABC spending to find a girl Ben can dump after a few months of “engagement?” Ben is worried they might run out of things to talk about, unlike the ummm… “stimulating conversations” he has with Courtney. They are deserted on an island and each brought three things. Ben thinks practical and Kacie B. brings candy, a monkey, and a corkscrew. ABC is clearly having a Survivor moment, which is kind of lame. Ben decides that this will truly test their relationship because this is totally the sort of thing that really happens in the real world and if they can survive this, they can survive anything. Ben again praises that someone “goes with the flow.” Kacie B. says she can’t wait to get back to normal life and day-to-day. I though helicopters and champagne WAS normal.
It’s all rustic and natural… oh, except for the champagne… and the glasses… and the camera crew. But other than that, it’s a great metaphor, Ben.
DATE CARD! This is for the group date and the datees are: Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney, and Jamie. The two-on-one or ménage-a-trio date is Rachel and Blakeley. Blakeley is excited and Rachel is petrified.
Kacie B. really wants to open up to Ben, but is a little concerned about it. So, girl has issues and we are about to hear all about them. Kacie B. opens up to Ben about having an eating disorder in high school for about a year until her parents caught her throwing up at a Superbowl party. I heard a statistic the other day that Americans consume more calories on the Superbowl than any other day (aside from Thanksgiving) so it seems if there is a day that it is okay to purge, that would be it. She learned from recovery that she didn’t have to be perfect. She’s worried that she laid too much on Ben, but he seems to feel closer to her now that he knows her dirty little secret, so he gives her the rose. Kacie introduces another weird scale to describe the date – “from one to wonderful” – and announces that the date was fantastic. I’m not sure where that falls, but it must be good. At least throwing up isn’t on this scale, but seeing as she’s a recovering bulimic, that may have been in poor taste.
Look at the cute little natives!
On the group date, Ben is again looking for someone who will “go with the flow.” Courtney is not thrilled to be on another group date, so she will definitely whore it up and make herself the center of attention. Again. I’m secretly hoping that Emily and Courtney will mud wrestle or something. They are all getting rained on – it is a rainforest, but Courtney screams out “I am soooo wet” – clearly having flashbacks from that porn she did. They follow some kids to a village and the women get dressed in native garb. Courtney goes native/braless, and the rest of the girls are disgusted that she’s shaking her ninnies around, especially since the kids are like two feet out of the splash zone. Ben appreciates her ninnies “in more than one way.” ABC does not appreciate Courtney’s ninnies and alternated between blurring then out and putting a black box over them. They paint each other and Emily says she’s having 7th grade flashbacks of a notebook or something like that. Courtney likes to mark her territory, though, so she’s bound to pee on Ben at some point. The group date continues with Ben toasting to “going with the flow” and then makes out with Lindzi.
ABC does not want us to appreciate Courtney’s ninnies.
The two-on-one date card arrives and there is any announcement that “two women will enter and only one will leave,” a la thunderdome. We can only hope that they will fight to the death. Maybe Tina Turner will be there.
Ben is happy that Courtney is so open and aggressive with him… read slutty… and she wants to feel special to keep that spark alive, so she plans on making some “alone time” with him and being just pathetic enough to get the rose. Jamie and Ben are having some nice time talking to and she really wants to kiss him, but Courtney is in the background in the pool in a white bikini and Ben is having a hard time focusing. I’m sure he’s wondering if you can see her nips through the wet bikini top. Courtney effectively ruins the moment and Jamie does not kiss Ben. Ben steals Emily away and Emily right away says that she has something to get off her chest. I’m expecting it to be about Courtney (and I’m sure Ben is, too), but she tells him that she’s in love with the chief from the tribe. It is honestly, funny, and endearing. So she’s trying to get past the drama, but Ben goes and brings it up. She says she wants to focus on Ben and she may have misjudged Courtney. For real? She apologizes to Courtney. What? Courtney says she respects that, but she will never respect Emily. So Emily tries to be nice, but Courtney shows her true colors and I’m fully expecting the rest of the girls to lynch Courtney. Ben gives the group date rose to Lindzi, but Courtney makes faces and lets out a big sigh. She clearly feels she deserves the rose and has invited Ben to her room that evening. I really want him to stand her up. There are many dramatic shots of her looking sad and checking her watch. BUT the sun rises and we all cheer as Courtney turns to ashes or salt… wait… which one is whores and which one is vampires?
Before Rachel and Blakeley head off on the two-on-one date, Courtney gives them advice. Blakeley is rocking a cougar-style jumpsuit and they head to learn to Salsa. But first they have to put on their Salsa dresses, which really look like they’re trying to relive their proms. It’s all about “moving with your partner” and sexual chemistry. I used to Salsa, but mostly with gay guys, who are way better dancers than Ben. Blakeley, the VIP cocktail waitress/stripper, is a better dancer than Rachel, so Rachel tries to break it up. Blakeley wraps her leg around Ben and the teacher fusses at her. She is not leaving room for the holy spirit, so the girls have an old-fashioned dance off. Not really, but a girl can dream. Truthfully, this date is really really sad. Are Blakeley and Rachel the oldest girls here, or do they just look like the most tired?
Is it just me, or do the prom dresses make this even more sad?
Dinner is no less awkward. Rachel is dressed in black and Blakeley is dressed in white and Ben is not sure to whom he will give the rose. They both look like former Bond girls, so they are both destined to get dumped and/or murdered by Ben’s enemies. Blakeley brings her diaries to their alone time and tells Ben how much she wants a one-on-one. She whips out her Ben journal/scrapbook. He says it’s sweet, but it’s really borderline crazy stalker behavior. It’s full of pictures and words cut out from magazines. Somewhere in there is a ransom note. How do you compete with crazy? You don’t. Crazy goes home. Blakeley gets up and storms off, probably to go cut herself. He chases after her to explain. What is there to explain? She’s old, she’s crazy, and she’s gone. We see a sad little stray kitty in the street, which is probably a metaphor for Blakeley’s tired old pussy.
Blakeley should take her sad pussy and leave.
The girls are all sitting around chatting when Chris Harrison shows up. That is never good. He’s like the harbinger of death around here. He pulls Casey S. away and everyone is freaked out as he takes her to the courtyard. Chris calls Casey out on being involved with/in love with someone else. Apparently, three people back in the United States have contacted the show. Her (ex?) boyfriend Michael says they are still together, which Casey denies… sort of. Then she says she needs therapy, but admits, when pressed that she’s still in love with him. They head off to talk to Ben. There is some dramatic music and then Casey, who has made zero impression thusfar, tells Ben that she isn’t completely over her ex. He feels she was dishonest and that he sent some women home who really wanted to be there while she “tried to get over” her ex. He says he thinks she should go home. Really, it’s not a big loss, but does make the rose ceremony less dramatic. She cries and Chris comforts her while Ben broods on the balcony and Casey speaks in tones only dolphins can hear. Chris Harrison walks her to a mini-van… which is even sadder than Elyse’s dinghy. She seems to be crying more over the fact that Michael will never marry her and she’ll have to find someone other than Ben to take her mind off of that. Honestly, I’m not sure how she got this far anyway, she was really so blah. Plus, now Courtney has no ally.
Casey’s emotional range… stunned to hysterical.
The cocktail party starts and Ben talks more about how he wants everyone to be open and honest. So, the cocktail party is sure to be a barrage of confessions and emotion. Nicki and Ben slow dance and kiss. Courtney asks Rachel who she thinks is on the chopping block. She thinks it’s between Emily and Jamie. I think it’s between Nicki and Jamie, but Jamie is hoping to be more open even though she’s admittedly a prude. She pulls him away and gives him a lapdance after telling him about how she fantasizes about him. I don’t think Jamie understands the word, “prude.” Okay, she might have earned a rose with that, or at least with the promise or more to come. She proceeds to give him kissing instruction. I don’t think Ben loves all of the direction seeing as he really wants to “go with the flow.” She is putting a lot of energy into being easygoing. Where is Blakeley when we need lapdance expertise?
Jamie is definitely NOT a stripper.
Rose ceremony! Kacie, Lindzi, and Rachel have roses 1,2, & 3, leaving 3 roses to give out. Rose #4 goes to Nicki. Rose #5 goes to Courtney and her ninnies. So who goes home? Awkward lapdance/kissing instructor Jamie or Emily? He gives the rose to Emily, proving that forceful kissing instruction does not win The Bachelor. Ben announces that they are headed to Belize now where apparently Ben will finally hear that Courtney isn’t all that. One can only hope.
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33 Comments
I suppose this is Chris Harrison’s “Bentley Redemption Arc”, huh? He protected Ben from Casey, who was there for–say it with me–The Wrong Reasons, the way he didn’t protect whatsherpussy from Bentley.
I bet he feels much better now.
Nothing more boring than a girl whose most interesting feature is that she had an ED in high school (who didn’t?) She’s 26, it wasn’t a deep, dark secret that needed to come out in the early dating process…wish she would have used the opportunity to share something more interesting, but if that’s all she has that she thinks qualifies her as “deep,” I’m bored…..go Courtney! at least evil is interesting
Ben has conveniently provided his escape hatch for any perspective “winner” as he will propose – she will say YES and then see the skinnydipping and general drooling over Courtney where she will be wounded beyond repair and thus break off the engagement.
ABC also kept Kacey around as clearly there was ZERO “connection” with her Ben and sprung the unrequited love at home storyline to amp the “drama” = FAIL. Still can pinpoint what sound was emitted from her when she “cried”. Sounded like Chewbacca getting a Brazillian wax?
Ben is now renamed “Ben avoiding a bath” to me. He makes Snooki look like a hygenic susperstar.
Just when I thought Courtney was the worst kisser…Oh, Thank You, Mistress Jamie!!! You know it’s horrible when dead-eyed Ben can’t even fake it. WTF WAS that? Gold…hahah…gold!!!
speaking of bulimia…do we think Lindzi’s chronically hoarse because she’s a closet smoker….mmmm….no.
The whole “kissing instruction” was crazy uncomfortable to watch. I felt a little bad for Ben who was trying so hard to fake it. Jamie was so painfully awkward that it made that crazy blogger chick look downright balanced.
@notwithoutmytv I will now be using the phrase “whatsherpussy” when talking about women I don’t know. Thank you.
I wanted Jamie to go the minute she used the word “prude” as an adjective. “I didn’t think I was that prude.” Gah!
Hahahaha, my sentiments EXACTLY, Considerthis!!!
I actually felt really bad for that Casey girl–she was pretty honest and nice about the whole thing. I loved that cry though–and she just kept uttering the same phrase over and over again every time they interviewed her! I would love to see that clip again.
I wish there was more detail was in this recap. I find it too short and just slapped together.
I loved that anti “Survivor” date–like Ben REALLY caught that fish?? C’mon! Also, I love how he hacks away at the coconut and they have to cut the tape for a second and paste it back together–most likely a producer had to do it for him. Weenie!
Oh, and seeing Ben in that loin cloth was very unappetizing. I wonder if his pubes are as greasy as the hair on his head!
C-whore-tney is bat shit crazy…period!
That’s what the kids are into these days: greasy pubes.
They call it “keeping ‘em natural.”
I think Ben is the most unattractive bachelor from this show! plus his personality seems wooden and boring. plus now the greeeeeeasy hair! How do these wanna be contestants even fake it??
Ben needs a serious haircut. I agree with Danielle, that fish Ben “caught” wasn’t even moving!! I think they threw a big dead fish in the water and wrapped the net around it…at least that’s what I’m hoping because I’d hate to think they ate some dead fish they found randomly floating in the water!
Ben trying to open up a coconut shows why I keep watching this monkey train!
I bet that was the 1st time he ever saw 1 that wasn’t already shredded up and put on a cake.
@notwithoutmytv Thanks for my new vocabulary pronoun whatsherpussy!
They can break down the set and send all those girls on over to Bachelor Pad for their STD shots because I figured out his perfect match!
Ben’s the cosmic destiny hair twin of Chelsea on Teen Mom 2!
More and more, I get the impression this show is still on the air only to re-familiarize viewers with whoever is going to be on Bachelor Pad next. You know Ben and Courtney are both going to pop up on it, and the producers are fomenting hatred for them because they’re supposed to be the next Jake and Vienna. And it’s working like a charm.
@adelefig: It’s called method acting. All the girls are practicing their “romantic comedy ingenue” skills. They know that, in their first couple rom-coms, they might have to kiss some comic like Rob Schneider or Kevin James who play the “unattractive schmo with the improbably hot girlfriend”.
Can we also talk about what a piece of cardboard shit this guy is? He comes off as being a dumb-assed, flabby, shallow teenaged guy who is quite stunted in his emotional life. I hate, hate, hate the way he says goodbye to the girls. No “thank you,” no “get home safely,” no hug, no kiss, no hand shake…and meanwhile these girls seem to be so understanding after they get cut. Anyway, what a class act this guy is!! Meeow!
I’m secretly hoping Emily and Courtney will mud wrestle too! Hold on. Is it still a secret now? Anyway, Emily’s now moved into pole position (oh my goodness), except she’s too good for this dickhead.
And this guy really is dickish. It’s the only word I can think of to describe him. The way he responded during the couch scene is a good example. He deserves Cuntney, he really does.
Meanwhile– why are these people’s teeth so white? Is this part of the Bachelor contract, that they have to have their teeth bleached, or get veneers put on?
Oh, and I loved the ticking clock soundtrack they played every time Blakely was on. 34 my ass. Bet she was really 36 or 37.
And lastly… you could see Ben imagining what it’d be like going down on Jamie. And that’s why she didn’t get the rose.
@Danielle – I’d agree, but it’d be an insult to cardboard…and shit…
I love how he tells them he could see himself with all of them, then four weeks from now he’ll propose to one, and it won’t bother her that four weeks ago she was one of seven women he could have seen himself marrying/ Awesome….how romantic..
i read in a comments section at ihategreenbeans.com that in Blakely radio interview she said that Ben said “Emily” instead of “Rachel” during the rose selection and that they had to retape him choosing Rachel. How romantic…
Things that should’ve been mentioned in this recap!
1. Jamie ripping her dress with her awkward lap kiss
2. How drunk Jamie clearly was during said lap activities
3. How gross it was they made Casey walk up flights of outdoor stairs in a 3rd world country in bare feet
I know Kasey is the crowd favorite but her laugh is like fingernails on a chalk board to me, I don’t find her wise beyond her years and her evidence that she is being a HS ED bout proves it further. Also she needs to stop talking about going to the grocery store, we know she’s boring, she doesn’t need to keep revealing her mundane dreams.
I don’t laugh aloud often at tv shows, and have NEVER laughed at the bachelor but the Jamie kissing scene started to tickle me and his discomfort and her drunken awkwardness got the best of me and I howled.
notwithoutmytv – I second all your comments and always look for forward to your crotchety pith
Crotchety pith. Ah, if only you could bottle that.
Oh Crotchety Pith, oops– NWMTV– you are just so funny! “It’s called method acting. All the girls are practicing their ‘romantic comedy ingenue’ skills” Just had to wipe off my keyboard yet again. The implication that any of the bimbos has any acting skills is just hilarious. *snicker, giggle, snort* Luv, SSC
Is anyone else stunned at the efficiency of the Bachelor information network? First Ashley is “contacted” about Bentley’s sinister intentions, now Chrissy Harrison is “contacted” by 3 people from the states about Casey’s ex. The government should hire these people.
I don’t know how “third world country” that giant Trump Vagina was, so I’m not so worried about her feet. Her horrible snortish cry, yes, that is worrisome.
I can find no fault with Quesa-Billa other than that she signed on for this show. At least now that the other Kaycee is gone, perhaps the Bachelor will call her just plain Casey and stop rubbing it in that he’s hoping to schtup multiple gals before making his ‘choice.’
I wouldn’t have cared if Slutney wanted to show her ninnies (new fav word btw)to Ben and the other girls but there were small children there!! And you noticed not even the ‘natives’ were showing their ninnies!! Of course because none of them really live in the village, they are all from the city and just work there. We have a native village in our Canadian city too, it’s called Heritage park!!
Oh sad Blakley……. how much time and how many In Touch magazines were desecrated to make that pathetic, creepy ‘Journal of Love’ for Ben? Just. Sad.
After watching every season of The Bachelor, sad and pathetic I know, and asking myself every season ‘what do these girls see in him??!’ I’ve decided they all have ‘Last Man On Earth syndrome’. They are isolated from the real world and all they have is each other, booze and the Bachelor. Chris Harrison doesn’t count.
Did anyone else notice that Blakely’s scrapbook had “Scotch” and “Southern Comfort” on one page?
oh dear, that “scrapbook” would have been pathetic for a 14-year-old, a 34-year-old woman, just so sad…she probably wrote Ben’s name in all her underwear too…
I had a severe attack ot SHES watching this episode. (Second Hand Embarrassment Syndrome) Between that ridiculous scrapbook by Blakely and the kissing lessons from Jamie I was cringing and blushing on their behalf. A serial killer would be embarrassed by that scrapbook. Oof!
There is a Scrapbook/Collage making guarantee on this show: the maker of them almost always gets the boot. Yes, there is one in every season, folks! I don’t know why they insist on making such a 4th grade project!
Yes, there were a lot of awesome details missing in this recap. I wanted at least one shot of Ben in his loin cloth, too! More pics, more details, please!
@Britty: Tell me about it. The Bachelor Information Network misses nothing. If the Obama administration would hire the B.I.N. to do its “oppositional research”, a certain Mormon Republican candidate wouldn’t stand a chance…
It’s also amazing the stuff Chris Harrison can find out when he’s out cruising for mall ass…
Doesn’t Courtney realize that Ben is going to WATCH THE SHOW when it airs on tv and see her in all her “glory”?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E34YwRDpCBo
You’re welcome.
Ashley must be watching this, thinking “Thank GOD I didn’t pick this jackass!”