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This week The Bachelor World Tour takes us to Panama City, Florida, where we will see topless Spring Breakers. Woo-hoo! Wait. We’re in Panama City, Panama? Well, chances are Courtney will get topless, so it’s like over-the-hill Spring Breakers. Right away Courtney tells us she wants to go skinny-dipping with Ben again. What a whore. Everyone is amazed that Panama is so “metropolitan” because they all thought it was all tribal and shit.
Kacie B. gets the one-on-one date and Blakely tackles her. Courtney thinks Kacie B. will go home. Instead, she goes on a helicopter with Ben. What is it with this show and helicopters? How much is ABC spending to find a girl Ben can dump after a few months of “engagement?” Ben is worried they might run out of things to talk about, unlike the ummm… “stimulating conversations” he has with Courtney. They are deserted on an island and each brought three things. Ben thinks practical and Kacie B. brings candy, a monkey, and a corkscrew. ABC is clearly having a Survivor moment, which is kind of lame. Ben decides that this will truly test their relationship because this is totally the sort of thing that really happens in the real world and if they can survive this, they can survive anything. Ben again praises that someone “goes with the flow.” Kacie B. says she can’t wait to get back to normal life and day-to-day. I though helicopters and champagne WAS normal.
It’s all rustic and natural… oh, except for the champagne… and the glasses… and the camera crew. But other than that, it’s a great metaphor, Ben.
DATE CARD! This is for the group date and the datees are: Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney, and Jamie. The two-on-one or ménage-a-trio date is Rachel and Blakeley. Blakeley is excited and Rachel is petrified.
Kacie B. really wants to open up to Ben, but is a little concerned about it. So, girl has issues and we are about to hear all about them. Kacie B. opens up to Ben about having an eating disorder in high school for about a year until her parents caught her throwing up at a Superbowl party. I heard a statistic the other day that Americans consume more calories on the Superbowl than any other day (aside from Thanksgiving) so it seems if there is a day that it is okay to purge, that would be it. She learned from recovery that she didn’t have to be perfect. She’s worried that she laid too much on Ben, but he seems to feel closer to her now that he knows her dirty little secret, so he gives her the rose. Kacie introduces another weird scale to describe the date – “from one to wonderful” – and announces that the date was fantastic. I’m not sure where that falls, but it must be good. At least throwing up isn’t on this scale, but seeing as she’s a recovering bulimic, that may have been in poor taste.
Look at the cute little natives!
On the group date, Ben is again looking for someone who will “go with the flow.” Courtney is not thrilled to be on another group date, so she will definitely whore it up and make herself the center of attention. Again. I’m secretly hoping that Emily and Courtney will mud wrestle or something. They are all getting rained on – it is a rainforest, but Courtney screams out “I am soooo wet” – clearly having flashbacks from that porn she did. They follow some kids to a village and the women get dressed in native garb. Courtney goes native/braless, and the rest of the girls are disgusted that she’s shaking her ninnies around, especially since the kids are like two feet out of the splash zone. Ben appreciates her ninnies “in more than one way.” ABC does not appreciate Courtney’s ninnies and alternated between blurring then out and putting a black box over them. They paint each other and Emily says she’s having 7th grade flashbacks of a notebook or something like that. Courtney likes to mark her territory, though, so she’s bound to pee on Ben at some point. The group date continues with Ben toasting to “going with the flow” and then makes out with Lindzi.
ABC does not want us to appreciate Courtney’s ninnies.
The two-on-one date card arrives and there is any announcement that “two women will enter and only one will leave,” a la thunderdome. We can only hope that they will fight to the death. Maybe Tina Turner will be there.
Ben is happy that Courtney is so open and aggressive with him… read slutty… and she wants to feel special to keep that spark alive, so she plans on making some “alone time” with him and being just pathetic enough to get the rose. Jamie and Ben are having some nice time talking to and she really wants to kiss him, but Courtney is in the background in the pool in a white bikini and Ben is having a hard time focusing. I’m sure he’s wondering if you can see her nips through the wet bikini top. Courtney effectively ruins the moment and Jamie does not kiss Ben. Ben steals Emily away and Emily right away says that she has something to get off her chest. I’m expecting it to be about Courtney (and I’m sure Ben is, too), but she tells him that she’s in love with the chief from the tribe. It is honestly, funny, and endearing. So she’s trying to get past the drama, but Ben goes and brings it up. She says she wants to focus on Ben and she may have misjudged Courtney. For real? She apologizes to Courtney. What? Courtney says she respects that, but she will never respect Emily. So Emily tries to be nice, but Courtney shows her true colors and I’m fully expecting the rest of the girls to lynch Courtney. Ben gives the group date rose to Lindzi, but Courtney makes faces and lets out a big sigh. She clearly feels she deserves the rose and has invited Ben to her room that evening. I really want him to stand her up. There are many dramatic shots of her looking sad and checking her watch. BUT the sun rises and we all cheer as Courtney turns to ashes or salt… wait… which one is whores and which one is vampires?
Before Rachel and Blakeley head off on the two-on-one date, Courtney gives them advice. Blakeley is rocking a cougar-style jumpsuit and they head to learn to Salsa. But first they have to put on their Salsa dresses, which really look like they’re trying to relive their proms. It’s all about “moving with your partner” and sexual chemistry. I used to Salsa, but mostly with gay guys, who are way better dancers than Ben. Blakeley, the VIP cocktail waitress/stripper, is a better dancer than Rachel, so Rachel tries to break it up. Blakeley wraps her leg around Ben and the teacher fusses at her. She is not leaving room for the holy spirit, so the girls have an old-fashioned dance off. Not really, but a girl can dream. Truthfully, this date is really really sad. Are Blakeley and Rachel the oldest girls here, or do they just look like the most tired?
Is it just me, or do the prom dresses make this even more sad?
Dinner is no less awkward. Rachel is dressed in black and Blakeley is dressed in white and Ben is not sure to whom he will give the rose. They both look like former Bond girls, so they are both destined to get dumped and/or murdered by Ben’s enemies. Blakeley brings her diaries to their alone time and tells Ben how much she wants a one-on-one. She whips out her Ben journal/scrapbook. He says it’s sweet, but it’s really borderline crazy stalker behavior. It’s full of pictures and words cut out from magazines. Somewhere in there is a ransom note. How do you compete with crazy? You don’t. Crazy goes home. Blakeley gets up and storms off, probably to go cut herself. He chases after her to explain. What is there to explain? She’s old, she’s crazy, and she’s gone. We see a sad little stray kitty in the street, which is probably a metaphor for Blakeley’s tired old pussy.
Blakeley should take her sad pussy and leave.
The girls are all sitting around chatting when Chris Harrison shows up. That is never good. He’s like the harbinger of death around here. He pulls Casey S. away and everyone is freaked out as he takes her to the courtyard. Chris calls Casey out on being involved with/in love with someone else. Apparently, three people back in the United States have contacted the show. Her (ex?) boyfriend Michael says they are still together, which Casey denies… sort of. Then she says she needs therapy, but admits, when pressed that she’s still in love with him. They head off to talk to Ben. There is some dramatic music and then Casey, who has made zero impression thusfar, tells Ben that she isn’t completely over her ex. He feels she was dishonest and that he sent some women home who really wanted to be there while she “tried to get over” her ex. He says he thinks she should go home. Really, it’s not a big loss, but does make the rose ceremony less dramatic. She cries and Chris comforts her while Ben broods on the balcony and Casey speaks in tones only dolphins can hear. Chris Harrison walks her to a mini-van… which is even sadder than Elyse’s dinghy. She seems to be crying more over the fact that Michael will never marry her and she’ll have to find someone other than Ben to take her mind off of that. Honestly, I’m not sure how she got this far anyway, she was really so blah. Plus, now Courtney has no ally.
Casey’s emotional range… stunned to hysterical.
The cocktail party starts and Ben talks more about how he wants everyone to be open and honest. So, the cocktail party is sure to be a barrage of confessions and emotion. Nicki and Ben slow dance and kiss. Courtney asks Rachel who she thinks is on the chopping block. She thinks it’s between Emily and Jamie. I think it’s between Nicki and Jamie, but Jamie is hoping to be more open even though she’s admittedly a prude. She pulls him away and gives him a lapdance after telling him about how she fantasizes about him. I don’t think Jamie understands the word, “prude.” Okay, she might have earned a rose with that, or at least with the promise or more to come. She proceeds to give him kissing instruction. I don’t think Ben loves all of the direction seeing as he really wants to “go with the flow.” She is putting a lot of energy into being easygoing. Where is Blakeley when we need lapdance expertise?
Jamie is definitely NOT a stripper.
Rose ceremony! Kacie, Lindzi, and Rachel have roses 1,2, & 3, leaving 3 roses to give out. Rose #4 goes to Nicki. Rose #5 goes to Courtney and her ninnies. So who goes home? Awkward lapdance/kissing instructor Jamie or Emily? He gives the rose to Emily, proving that forceful kissing instruction does not win The Bachelor. Ben announces that they are headed to Belize now where apparently Ben will finally hear that Courtney isn’t all that. One can only hope.