This week, The Bachelor takes us on the most exotic trip yet, to the girls’ hometowns. We start by heading down to horse country in Ocala, FL. Ben finds it “super sexy” to see Lindzi on a horse. Yeah. She knows how to ride. Lindzi gets Ben on a horse and teaches him how to use a whip. Insert your own dominatrix joke here. Ocala is beautiful, though and there are lots of pictures of all the green hills and trees as Ben and Lindzi have a “serious” conversation about her past. The only other guy she brought home, though, is the guy who dumped her via text message. I’m kind of doubting the whole text-message breakup after she said they lived together. How, exactly, did that play out? And why does no one question the logistics of said break-up.
How many horses’ asses can you spot in this picture?
They ride off into the midday sun to meet Lindzi’s family, where Ben will probably ask them why they can’t spell. Really, who spells it “Lindzi?” She introduces her parents Margie and Harry…possibly spells Mahrgee and Hair-E. They decide to have Carriage Races, showing us how much money Hair-E and Mahrgee really have.
Carriage races are how us Florida folk get down.
If you are not aware of this, Ocala is where a lot of rich people raise horses and evade taxes like Wesley Snipes.
What happens in Ocala stays in Ocala.
The losers have to pull the winners’ carriage back to the house like horses. Back at the house, Lindzi and her mom have a heart-to-heart about her last breakup and how her mom doesn’t want to see her go through that again. So, why on Earth would you want your daughter to go on The Bachelor? Mahrgee tells Ben how sheltered Lindzi was as she grew up, which is the reason she never really dated. Great job, Mom. You really screwed your daughter up by not allowing her to progress normally in a social setting. They both seem to approve of Ben and Ben thinks Lindzi’s parents are “salt of the Earth.”
Their “wine glasses” are mason jars on stems. You might think this makes them “salt of the Earth.”
They are just such simple people who raise and race thoroughbreds. Ben likes that Lindzi is humble and grounded, which begs the question how can he possibly put her in the same category with Courtney? Courtney is far from both of those. Ben says he may be falling in love with Lindzi.
She’s twirling again.
Now we take the last train to Clarksville, Tennessee where we find Kacie practicing with the marching band from her high school. Kacie is looking forward to surprising Ben “all day.” They share a little picnic at the football field named for her grandfather. She talks about her grandparents and their love and how her grandmother died shortly after her grandfather, after predicting that she wouldn’t make it to Christmas. They drink wine in the bleachers, something I’m guessing Kacie may have done before. Kacie lets him know that her dad is a federal probation officer who doesn’t drink. Fan-tastic. Ben’s hair actually looks a little better in Tennessee. Maybe he should move there.
They head home to meet her parents and her sister who looks a LOT like her. Man, do they talk like folks from Clarksville. I bet they went to Austin Peay. If you ever get the chance to go to Clarksville, be sure to go to a football game. It’s fun to hear a stadium full of people yell “Let’s go Pee!” Kacie tells her sister how she wants her parents to trust her. Kacie’s dad tells Ben that marriage is very serious and that he doesn’t want to see Kacie get hurt. Ben is not sure if her dad likes him. He doesn’t. Kacie’s mom tells Ben that they are very protective of Kacie. She has a serious problem with them moving in together before getting married. Ben doesn’t think he will get her parents’ approval. Ben also seems to think this is negotiable. It isn’t.
This is the most insincere hug ever.
Well, they are sure to watch the show and I’m guessing that even if they do get their approval at this point, the naked shenanigans with Courtney will probably revoke that. Kacie’s dad repeats the “no moving in together” discussion with Kacie. She tells her dad she would say “yes” if Ben proposed. Kacie’s dad tells her he would not give his approval. He doesn’t want them to rush anything. So, again, parents shelter the daughter. The worst part is that the quickest way to have your overly-protected daughter run off and get married is to tell her not to.
Nicki and Ben talk to a grizzled old Texan who tries not to laugh as he gives Ben ridiculous boots to try on.
Ben heads to Hurst, Texas, now, to meet Nicki and her parents. She takes him into a shop to buy his first pair of cowboy boots because finding boots is very similar to finding the right partner. Why must we force these metaphors? Ben buys a cowboy hat, showing that he did not, in fact, find the right fit and they duck into a saloon for some sarsaparilla. Nicki brings up her past again and how the last man she brought home was the man she married. Her parents also don’t want to see her get hurt again. Why does everyone feel the need to bring this up? Are there parents out there who root for their child to suffer a broken heart? The sad part is that almost all, if not all, of these girls will get their hearts broken by the end of this.
Ben gets to meet Nicki’s parents Doug and Laura and her brother Matt. Nicki’s parents are divorced, but seem to get along pretty well. Laura really likes Ben and lot and says she sees a connection with Ben that she didn’t even see with Nicki’s first husband. Laura tries to be Nicki’s best girlfriend, which is not shocking seeing as her dad primarily raised her. The vibe between Nicki and her mom is borderline disturbing, probably because she mom tried to find her place as the “cool mom.” Nicki and her dad sit down to talk about feelings and Doug says he may have given her hand in marriage to readily the first time and thinks he let her down by not asking more questions. He feels he let her down the first time and wants to make sure she’s protected from pain. Nicki’s parents have severe divorce guilt. I bet Nicki and her brother got every little thing they wanted growing up. Nicki is not the first girl to defend Ben to her parents, but Doug seems more trusting of their bond. He caves rather quickly and gives Ben and Nicki their blessing. We don’t see Ben talk to either parent, which either means it wasn’t interesting at all or they are editing because it’s not important and Nicki is done. My guess is that Nicki is done although she admits that she loves Ben and he admits there have been times that day were he could see them together. He also said that about Emily last week, though, so we shall see.
Courtney’s dad is about winning, too.
Now the model Courtney brings Ben home to meet her family in Arizona. Courtney has spent a lot of time thinking and feels bad about her relationships with the girls. She may finally be realizing what it means for her to make it to the end and Ben see all of her crazy on National television. Courtney tells Ben that her dad calls their house the “house of little girls,” which is not at all creepy. She introduces them to her parents and her slightly heavier and less attractive sister, Rachel. Courtney clearly gets her crazy facial expressions from her mom, who has not aged well. Ben should really look at the mother’s as a glance into the future. It’s not pretty.
Yeah… a look into Courtney’s future.
Courtney and her sister have a heart-to-heart about love and Puerto Rican shenanigans. Her dad makes an awful metaphor about marriage being a bet and the chance of “winning.” So that’s where Courtney gets the competitive streak. Both of her parents love Ben and think they are well-suited for each other. But that is mostly based on how happy he makes Courtney. And the fact that she’s fucking nuts.
Courtney takes Ben to a farm and tells him that she feels really good about them. She tells him about her first photo shoot at said farm (because Arizona is known for it’s amazing modelling industry?) and how they were setting up a wedding at the time. As luck would have it, they are setting up for a wedding in the exact place Courtney wants to get married. Ben is a little nervous, and he probably should be. This is not a coincidence. The crazy pops out with a bowtie, rings, and paper for the two of them to write their vows. Courtney then ambushes him, Miss Piggy-style, with a wedding.
I thought Fozzy was playing the minister.
She wants to tell Ben that she’s in love with him, and what better way than to have a maybe real minister and maybe their real vows. He tells her that she’s strong and “kindof beautiful.” Well, he actually says “kind and beautiful,” but I prefer the other way. Courtney rhymes hers and finally tells Ben that she’s in love with him. He finds the “wedding” romantic and intimate, not psychotic. I really wish I could see his face as he finds out how conniving she really is. The minister announces that it wasn’t a real wedding and you can almost hear Ben’s sigh of relief.
This isn’t a real wedding, right?
Back in the Bachelor sitting room with Chris, we recap the dates. I’m not going to recap the recap because that just makes my head hurt. Clearly, we are just killing time here.
Remember when we had to watch them go through this ever week?
Ben feels bad because he knows he has to get rid of one of the four of them. First, though, he has to stare at their pictures. Chris greets the women and as much as I dislike Courtney, she looks better than she ever has.
The final four await their fate.
The first rose goes to…
Courtney. There are disparaging looks from Kacie and Nicki. Courtney uses her little baby voice and saunters back into her place to smell her rose. Rose #2 goes to …
Lindzi. She’s happy and probably a little relieved. And the final rose goes to…
Nicki and Lindzi show compassion while Courtney makes a face.
Kacie is trying really hard to smile, but is heartbroken. She cries, probably knowing that her parents totally screwed this up for her. She holds it together amazingly well until she gets in the car. She doesn’t understand why she’s not good enough.
Poor Kacie. Think she’ll agree to be on The Bachelorette?
It’s really tough to watch her fall apart, but Ben heads back to the other girls and announced that the remaining three are headed for an alpine adventure in Switzerland. Looks like we’re in for some drama next week as Courtney realizes how much she might have fucked up and that Ben is actually going to see and hear all of her “winning” talk. Someone arrives unexpectedly at Ben’s door and I’m hoping that it’s Emily to tell Ben… again… how seriously fucked up it is that Courtney is still there.
On to Switzerland!
In a scene we didn’t see, Rachel (Courtney’s sister), throws her under the bus by bringing up their skinny-dipping adventure. I wish they’d kept that in. This episode was a bit less than interesting, but at least there is the promise of drama next week. Personally, I cannot wait for “The Women Tell All” in a few weeks.
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