This week’s The Bachelor starts off in yet another exotic location… Belize. I’ve always watched The Bachelor/Bachelorette series and I really don’t remember another season where they jetted around the world this much. The women arrive by plane and then by boat to another amazing resort location. They all look pretty good for all of that, but they have to stand in the sun and squint while Chris Harrison talks to them about the dates for the week. I get that they want to show their faces, but I get a headache just watching them as they try not to go blind. Emily laments the fact that she is sharing the resort and Ben with four other women and a shark (Courtney) who likes to sleep a lot and is unpredictable. The metaphor isn’t bad, but I would love to see her take it further and talk about Courtney smelling blood in the water or having rows of teeth.
Emily is better at facial expressions than she is at metaphors
Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date and Nicki cries. She realizes this is “Really real now and really scary,” a quote you might remember from the promo the first week. Nicki likes the word really. Lindzi spends quite a while putting makeup on and getting herself all gussied up for Ben, who is outfitted in a striped tank top and his Dad’s swim trunks. Compared to other Bachelors, Ben looks pretty scruffy most of the time. His hair is a bit greasy and does need a cut, but at least the show could outfit him in some decent clothes. Emily makes weird comparison about how watching Ben walk away with Lindzi is like someone slicing a piece of cheesecake and then walking away with her “cheesecake in swim trunks.” Emily is almost as bad at metaphors as Ben.
Emily really misses her cheesecake.
Lindzi is, of course, terrified of heights, some they are going to start the date by jumping out of a helicopter into something called “the blue hole.” Remember on the San Francisco date when Ben took Jennifer up on a bridge although she, too, was afraid of heights? Honestly, it seems kind of mean. I don’t know exactly how the show works, production wise, but I’m guessing that Ben doesn’t do the actual planning of the dates. So, the producers just steal from other shows and make the women confront their biggest fears. Ben kisses her because that will surely give her courage (something h ALSO did with Jennifer on the bridge). It does, so they “take the plunge,” but again they don’t say it. I think the producers set up these perfect puns and probably get super pissed when no one says it. Lindzi does say that she is “falling for Ben,” so I guess that’s pretty close. Night falls and they motorboat (no, not that kind of motorboating… Lindzi doesn’t have the boobs for that) to a pier and a candlelit makeshift dinner-in-bed locale. As they walk up to it, Lindzi says “is this us?”
“No, Lindzi. . . this makeshift bed belongs to a homeless man. Ours is a little further.”
Seriously? No, ours is the other bed on the pier. Lindzi assures Ben that she wants to bring him home to meet his family.
Ben’s kisses have a surprisingly tranquilizing effect on some of the women. I don’t think that’s a good thing.
Back at the resort, Courtney “really hopes” she gets the one-on-one date because she’s been on the last three group dates. Kacie looks at Courtney as if she has sprouted horns and calls Courtney the most conceited person ever. They already teased in the intro that the Courtney bomb was going to drop tonight… I can’t wait. Courtney’s “worst nightmare” has come true as Emily receives the date card.
Notice that while Nicki is looking at Emily’s face, Courtney’s eyes are still “on the prize.”
Back at the bed, Ben makes a “leap of faith” pun and Lindzi tells him she is falling for him and then repeats the “leap of faith” metaphor. They decide to put a message in a bottle. Maybe it’s for Elyse who is undoubtedly still floating out there somewhere. They write a fairytale on the paper and release it into the wild. Sadly, there isn’t much of a tide, and the bottle doesn’t really go anywhere. Maybe that’s a metaphor for this relationship. What do you think, Ben?
The best metaphor of the night is unintentional.
It’s the next day and Emily is super excited about her date with Ben. This “does not feel good” to Courtney who is clearly the victim here. Emily and Ben ride bikes and play basketball with the locals who are mostly busy staring at the blonde chick. They try to buy lobsters from a man on the pier who says these are sold, but they can lobster dive for their own. He will even take them out on his lobster boat for a smile from Emily.
Is “smile” a code word?
Maybe a “smile” means something different in Belize? Emily is excited about Ben’s spontaneity. Does she really think this wasn’t set up beforehand? And would you just randomly get into a boat in Belize to “lobster dive” with someone you didn’t know was safe? I’m pretty sure there is a horror movie about that. They struggle a bit as lobsters as surprisingly fast and “squirmy.” Ben catches a face-hugger from Alien in the weirdest cross-promotion I’ve ever seen and then a producer gives Emily a lobster.
Okay, so the plush face-hugger might be a little stranger.
Our experience of their “perfect” day is interrupted with Courtney telling Lindzi about how uncomfortable she is that Ben may be falling for someone who treated her so badly. She announces that she will not introduce him to her family if she doesn’t get the date card. Lindzi mostly nods, but you can tell she’s just being polite. Courtney writes in her diary and says she will not accept a rose from Ben if she doesn’t get a date card and it’s a shame because she “really liked him.” The vernacular is interesting here. So many of the women have admitted that they are “falling in love.” Notice not only the use of present tense, but Courtney’s choice to say “like” rather than “love.” Courtney just “doesn’t see them together.”
Courtney “feels” rejected and sad.
Meanwhile, WE see them together and Ben says he can see himself with her, too. He asks if she feels confident enough to introduce him to her family. She brings up the time lost due to her Courtney issues, but after today they’ve reconnected. She thinks her family will love Ben and she invites him home. He says he always compliments her brains and he’d like to tell her she’s awesome in other ways. They make out and Emily is “on top of the world.” As least they cover the sound effects of their slurping with music.
Meanwhile the rest of the girls sit around and discuss the final one-on-one date. Courtney, for all her bitching, does get the date card, to which she responds “oh snap.” Everyone looks dejected and then Courtney says “he’s a smart boy. He listens.” Kacie calls her a “fucking bitch” and I’m wondering how many people’s mouths dropped open at that.
Kacie can shoot daggers and smile sweetly at the same time. That’s what being a girl from Tennessee is all about.
She really wants to “spring across the room and punch her in the face.” I’d pay money for that. Courtney keeps repeating “snap” and “I’m excited.” Kacie, even in her worst moment, is still adorable and likeable. Maybe she really is too good for Ben.
As Courtney prepares for the date, she says Ben needs to step his game up. She says she really felt strongly for Ben in the beginning, but the spark has fizzled a little. They walk to some Mayan ruins and decide to head up the steps. Courtney is still not 100% sure she wants to take him home. They discuss that this may be where human sacrifices were made, but decide it is the perfect place to picnic. Awkward.
This is where they sacrificed virgins. Courtney is clearly safe.
Courtney unloads on Ben and tells him she was thinking about not accepting the rose if he didn’t bring her on the date. Ben shows how two-faced he really is and where he ditched the other girls when they complained about not getting a one-on-one, he tells her how much he respects that she told him that. He says she “made herself stand out” on the group dates and that he always noticed her, but it was mostly the fact that she kept taking her clothes off. She manipulates her way back into Ben’s heart and they climb the temple. I’m kind of waiting for her to pull out a dagger and stab him in the heart. She, too, feels “on top of the world.” He tells us he can “see his life with this woman,” and you can almost hear the collective groan of everyone watching the show.
Here’s a cute crab to distract you from the mess of this relationship.
Ben feels good that the spark was relit for Courtney. It makes him feel better about the kind of relationship they have… you know, shallow. They drink some wine and have a deep conversation about their great day. It’s interesting that the both look off in the distance as they talk. They really can’t even fake interest in what the other is saying. Courtney tells Ben that no man has ever asked her father for her hand in marriage, so she is clearly expecting that from Ben. Ben tells her he had visions of them together when they were at the temple. He gives her a little kiss and she pulls away for more camera time. Courtney says “snap” again and mimes shooting the other girls. She really is all kinds of crazy.
This is what Courtney describes as the kill shot.
The date card arrives and the girls are excited. Honestly, I think they have the best date because at least one of them gets a rose. The girls talk about Courtney and Ben and that Ben is perceptive and there is no way Courtney can fool him for much longer. Back at the date, Ben asks Courtney about her relationship with the other women. Courtney says she tries so hard to get to know these women and says they are just so into themselves. Seriously? No one is more into herself than Courtney. Also, they are “boring” and not the type of people she would hang out with. He asks if she has a lot of girlfriends and she kind of dodges the question and says she has guy friends. Ben is a bit concerned about how defensive Courtney is and one of his biggest fears is “being with a woman that he likes and people don’t.” I think that’s the descriptor Courtney has on the back of her headshots.
Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!
Ben arrives for the group date at 4AM. They are still sleeping, of course and Lindzi says she’s glad she slept with a shirt on. I, however, think it would have been much more entertaining if she hadn’t. He tells them to get in their bikinis. The women hop into the shower together and shave. It is far less sexy than it sounds. Nicki is glad it’s these three women on the date, mainly because she has the best boobs. Ben announces that they are going shark diving. Nicki and Kacie cheer. Rachel says she has a phobia of sharks. She clearly does not have a phobia or she’d have passed out by now. Kacie says she is more scared of the way Rachel is monopolizing Ben than of the sharks. They finally get in the water and Ben holds Rachel’s hand the whole time.
Rachel deals with her “phobia.”
I bet Nicki is hoping Rachel nicked herself in the shower and the sharks smell the blood. The shark portion of the date ends uneventfully and the date moves back to the resort where alcohol is introduced. Ben takes Rachel from the other two because they haven’t had any time together. Rachel says she wants to bring him home.
Kacie and Nicki are annoyed, so Nicki pulls him aside to talk about wanting to bring him home. She talks about how her family is all about a home-cooked meal and a board game. Seeing as he told Courtney he wants someone with a little edge who is “weird,” I’m not seeing this working.
Back at the room, Courtney says Ben must be exhausted because they had a late night. The other girls shoot daggers and Courtney is excited that two girls are going home.
Ben and Kacie get into the hot tub and talk about her family. She says she’s super ready to bring him home and that she’s falling in love with him. They kiss and giggle. Maybe she is too good for him, but I really don’t want to see her get her heart broken. He gives her the rose and she squeals in delight. Courtney walks out to spy on the group. She says Kacie is “a little girl trapped in a little boy’s body.” Then she complains that the girls are catty. Does Courtney understand the definition of “Catty?” Nicki decides this is the time to bring up Courtney concerns. Nicki says she wants Ben to be happy and she doesn’t think it’s with Courtney. He says he’s concerned and that he trusts these women, unlike Emily who he thought was just being bitchy.
Evil glee looks like this.
The mood of the cocktail party is described as “somber.” Emily asks if anyone is feeling nervous and the other women discuss the strong friendships they’ve developed. Courtney says she’s feeling great because she’s drinking a pinacoloda on the beach in Belize.
Courtney demonstrates that Ben is NOT the only fish in the sea.
Courtney says Ben is “not the only guy in the world” and the other women are all pissed at that. She says she’s kind of ready to go home as she plays with the umbrella in her drink. Chris shows up to cancel the cocktail party and take us right to the rose ceremony. Courtney is happy because she’s ready to “Get rid of some girls.” If he does end up choosing and getting engaged to Courtney, can you imagine the reaction upon viewing all of this shit? I can’t wait for the “after the final rose” backlash.
Kacie has a rose, so she’s really the only one who should feel confident at this point. Ben arrives and talks about how incredible the week has been and what a big deal it will be to meet their families. He asks to steal Courtney away to have a word and the rest of the women are all “what the hell?” Nicki tells the others that they had a discussion on the group date. They come back and the mood has shifted. Courtney looks down a lot, but it truthfully seems like an act. Rose #2 goes to Nicki who legitimately lights up. Rose #3 goes to Lindzi. And the final rose goes to . . .
Courtney. Seriously? What the hell? She prances up to Ben, uses her baby voice and smells the rose as she gives a side glance to Emily. Rachel hugs him and takes off down the pier. Emily is in disbelief and Courtney makes more faces. So, next week the girls take Ben home about it’s doubtful Courtney will show her true colors. If only that tarantula had bitten Courtney. Now that’s an episode I can get behind.