The Bachelor Recap: On a Scale from 1 to 10

The Bachelor

By Hazylazy | Wednesday, January 18, 2012 | 12:55 pm | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, The Bachelor

Week 3 of The Bachelor opens with the girls arriving in San Francisco, where Ben currently lives.  He sits down with his sister, Julie, and tells her about a few of the women: Lindzi, Kasie B., Courtney, Emily, and Jennifer.  Ben proclaims Jennifer the best kisser.  Julie is nervous the girls will break her brother’s heart.  HB reference = 1.

Julie,Ben's sister, nearly does a spit-take when he suggests she'd hit it off with a 28 year-old model.

Chris delivers the first date card and it’s for Emily who is “super excited.”  Courtney says Emily is “book smart” which translates to boring.  I think she’s just jealous because she doesn’t read.  Emily is scared of heights and Ben admits he doesn’t like them, either, so the reasoning of the producers when planning this date is questionable.  Ben turns the climbing of the Bay Bridge into a metaphor for love and basically insinuates that if Emily doesn’t do this they are destined to fail.

About halfway up, Emily is terrified and “the only thing” that Ben can think of to calm her is to give her a kiss.  Then they scream then they get to the top and kiss some more before they head down.  As they eat later, Ben brings up the great heartbreak with Ashleigh.  HB = 2.  Emily talks online dating where she was matched with her older brother.  Gross.  Ben gives Emily the rose and she seems genuinely happy, unlike Courtney who seemed more interested in making out with the rose than with Ben.  She talks about how perfect the night is and then there are fireworks, which the women can see from their hotel and are totally jealous.  Ben says he might be able to spend his life with her.

Not everything is a metaphor for love, Ben.

The second date card arrives and includes: Blakely, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erika, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Casey S., and Elyse.  Ben is taking them on an extreme date and they are going skiing, something Ben has had on his “Leap list.”  On the drive over, the cars have some sort of smart feature where pictures of the girls rotate through as wallpaper.  A picture of Rachel is first and then a picture of Blakely follows.  Monica says she’d “rather look at Rachel,” which is interesting seeing as Blakely was the other half of the “lesbian creampuff” in Week 1.  Ben takes the girls to a manmade slope on a closed-down street where they make a David Lee Roth video and we spend a lot of time looking at their asses.

The 80s called.  They want their scantily clad bitches back.

Brittney gets the date card and doesn’t seem excited about it.  She says something doesn’t feel right and the rest of the girls who eye her evilly, resent that she got the date and some bling.

Ben and the women have some drinks and some more intimate time together.  Ben pulls Rachel away for some one-on-one time and they kiss.  Kacie B. gets a little possessive and they sneak away for a walk.  Blakely notices, so it’s only a matter of time until she crashes.  They kiss and she feels better.  Ben says she “sparkles” and that he “likes her.”

Meanwhile, back with Brittney, she’s feeling overwhelmed and that the circumstances of the show “are not for her.”  She’s decided she wants to go home, but does she get to keep the bling?  She says her heart’s not in it and she wishes them all the best of luck.

Grandma’s girl goes emo.

Blakely and Ben are hanging out and Blakely says the women all hate her.  All of a sudden, Brittney crashes Blakely’s one-on-one time.  Awesome.  Brittney tells him he shouldn’t waste a one-on-one date with her, and she’s leaving.  Ben suddenly realizes that any of the women can leave at any time and leave him heartbroken.  HB = 3.  The women try to hide their glee that there is one less bitch to deal with.  Rachel gets the group date rose.

LASERS!

Ben invites Lindzi on Brittney’s one-on-one and Courtney is so jealous I’m expecting her to shoot lasers from her eyes.  Ben takes Lindzi for ice cream and the ride a private trolley car.  They stop at San Francisco City Hall for a private concert with Matt Nathanson, who I guess is supposed to be a big deal, but I have no idea who he is.  They dance too slow for the music and kiss a lot.  Then Ben takes her to a private dinner in a speakeasy and she tells him the story of how her former boyfriend dumped her via text message.  Ben, again, brings up getting his proposal turned down.  HB = 4.  He gives Lindsey the rose and takes her to a piano store, so she becomes the second girl to play his piano.  She says “nothing can ruin tonight,” so, of course, something will.

Sure, this is a normal first date.

Someone is on her way to ruin everything.  The cocktail party begins and Courtney toasts to a drama-free night which, we know, is not going to happen.  Interestingly enough, every time he says “someone special,” they cut to Kacie B.  He has some one-on-one time with the lovely Jennifer and he tells her she’s the best kisser in the house, so they kiss some more.  Lindzi and Samantha watch.

The mystery girl is now known to be a former Bachelor contestant.  With Brad.  She, however, has “strong feelings” for Ben and knows he will feel the same.  So, we have traded one crazy delusional bitch for another.  It’s Shawntel the funeral director!

Courtney calls Nicki juvenile and an idiot.  Blakely is “the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats with.”  Courtney starts drama with Lindzi and everyone talks about Courtney having a personality disorder.  Monica enters the scene and asks for the gossip while Courtney goes onto a private rooftop where JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe.  Courtney says Ben will make cute babies

Shawntel walks into the room as Elyse finally gets some one-on-one time.  The other girls guess she may be an ex-girlfriend.  None of them have watched enough Bachelor to know who she is, but Ben seems to as he keeps repeating “holy shit.”  Several of the women race to a window to watch.  It becomes clear that they have talked before and she really wanted to get to know him.  A few of the girls are literally within spitting distance.  Ben throws Shawntel to the bitches and heads off to gather his thoughts.  The women think he’s full of it and gang up on her.  Erika likes that Shawntel has “bigger thighs than she does.”  Diva Courtney storms out of the room and says she will not accept a rose if Shawntel gets one.  Courtney and Nicki cry.  Ben ends the cocktail party and the rose ceremony is on.

There are 11 roses remaining tonight as the first three went to Lindzi, Emily, and Rachel.  Shawntel is convinced she will get a rose.  Courtney gets #4, but hesitates before taking it and comments about “what’s-her-butt” Shawntel.  Kacie B is next.  Elyse will “absolutely” accept #6.  Jamie, Jennifer, and Casey S are next.  Jaclyn, who is becoming less attractive by the moment, makes the comment of the night with “On a scale from 1 to 10, I feel like I’m going to throw up.”  Jaclyn, I think your scale is broken.  Can you imagine?  You go into the grocery store and that’s on the produce scale?  Bitch, you better leave.  Blakely is #10 and then Monica.  Erika starts to look ill as Nicki gets rose #11.  Samantha is next and Erika announces that she doesn’t feel good.

A whole new kind of stupid.

Ben wants to say a few things, but Erika goes down.  Her lips are turning blue and the medic asks the women to give her some air.

Erica is so overwrought that she nearly passes out.

The women totally blame the entire episode on Shawntel.  There is only one rose left.  Courtney still says she is out if he gives the rose to Shawntel and I really want him to call her bluff.  Ben says it has been a pleasure getting to know Erika and that Jaclyn opened up.  He appreciates Shawntel coming all this way.  Ben decides not to hand out the final rose and the three cast-offs are all shocked.  Chris asks if this is his final decision.  Erika has to sit down and cry hysterically.  Jaclyn takes off and becomes the third girl to hide in a bathroom this season.  Shawntel makes a graceful exit, sort of.  Courtney throws some bitchy barbs as she walks by.  Shawntel says Ben isn’t “man enough” to accept that they have a connection.

Yes, Shawntel.  Ben is not man enough to admit he loves you.  I’m sure that’s it.”

On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m glad Jaclyn’s gone, but the teasers make it look like a brunette is going home next week and I’m a little concerned it might be my girl from Tennessee.  I guess we will know soon enough!

Ben is taking the tour to Utah now.  Because that just screams romance.

 

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About

Hazylazy has been described as "an English professor who watches a lot of trash" and this could not be more accurate.

17 Comments

  1. 1
    Pikey578
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Rumor has it that Shawntel has a book coming out (called, believe it or not, “The Final Rose” – it is about funerals…) Could that be why she made an appearance? Could it be that she is not there “for the right reasons” but (pshaw) for publicity for the book? And another question: Since they are going to Utah – does Ben have to get rid of any of the women or could they stay there and he could marry them all? (Guess my ignorance is showing)

    I enjoyed the recap – just the perfect amount of snark.

  2. 2
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Reminder: Chris Harrison’s fly-blown head is worth serious money to… a friend of mine. He really hates the Hostdouche. So, if by any chance you find yourself with the head of Chris Harrison, send it to me and I’ll, you know, pass it along to my friend.

    My friend also says that if there’s a red rose held between the teeth in Chris Harrison’s head, he’ll pay you a bonus.

  3. 3
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Ben has SO MUCH LOVE, you guys! He loves them all right now. And when it comes down to the Fantasy Date, he’ll love all of them, and it will be SO HARD to choose. And then, when it’s the final two, he’ll love both of them right up until the point where he decides he doesn’t love one of them at all, despite what he said approximately 3 minutes before the commercial break. And then that one special woman, he’ll love until the end of the universe. (And then, Chris Harrison will imply, even the Big Crunch probably won’t put an end to their love. Although a period of three months might be enough to strangle their newborn love in its freshly-assembled crib.)

    So, if you think this show is about selling cars, or that other dingbat’s book, or a means for Chris Harrison to score some strange ass, you’re crazy. It’s about luv.

  4. 4
    kthxbai
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    @Hazylazy Thank you for putting up with the only show on TV that makes the last scene of The Hills look real.

    Is it just me or is Ben coming across as douchier every week?

    My Golden Gate metaphor for love is that anybody you find that’s fool enough to climb up on a bridge like that, you can go ahead and cross that name off your list. And run.

    I’ve now started questioning Emily’s smartness because she didn’t.

    I hope she doesn’t get put in charge of any important epidemics.

    @Pikey578 As soon as they said Park Fart UTAH! I started Ling MAO.

    Even while I was fussing at myself. Way too easy. But I couldn’t stop all the lame obvious jokes having a stampede in my head.

    And wishing they’d have the sister wives cross over and counsel the girls on coping with feelings of plural dating jealousy.

    I asked in the last week comments about the Bachelor spoiling policy here.

    But just then Candiss reported us to the Internet Crime Division again and told them to take the site down.

    So is Bachelor spoiling hated or even allowed or does anybody give a shit? Specially @Hazylazy.

  5. 5
    itchy
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Not (I can call you Not, can’t I? I feel like I know you so well): As someone who has been to summer camp AND spent six weeks on a bus touring with fifty other teenagers, ALL of the emotions these people are feelig are REAL and LASTING.

    My money’s on the first gal who suggests he gets rid of that ridiculous center part. It’s the equivalent of a man merkin. I’m certain he wears his hair that way as a test, in a sword-in-the-stone sort of way.

    I’m really torn about Kaseybilla — the thought of someone as wildly cute n’ cuddly as her finding everlasting lurve with this douchebag nauseates me. On the other had, I want her on my television screen as much as possible (Hear that producers? Hint. HINT.). So I was rooting for Hatchetface, but she got the boot. Now I’m rooting for Cuntney, since she’s so horrible, harelip and all.

  6. 6
    BlueCanary
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Every time I see the words Chris Harrison, I read them as Chris Hansen, and expect someone to be lurking around trying to fuck a teenager.

  7. 7
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted January 18, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    BlueCanary (littlebirdhouseinmysoul) – yes me too!

    Did no one catch when the really weird looking brunette said something about Shawntel and “the hearse she rode in on – no pun intended”. No pun intended. She must just suck at pronouncing the word “horse”. Malaprops are my favorite.

    I predict Cuntney will go soon- she is too comfy in her preferred status and is starting to let the claws show. The “whatsherbutt” comment and when she cackled and hooted at Shawntel being sent home were not great sides to reveal to Ben since her so sweet and down to earth image is so freshly minted.

    Thank you Pikey578 – I was so confused as to when and why Shawntel showed up but now I get it.

    notwithoutmytv – you highlighted the things I hate most about the show (whydoIwatch?!) and I have to say even though it ended predictably I have always respected Ali for telling the one dude not to bother proposing because she wanted the other one. Who lets someone go that far and doesn’t already know their choice long before? I think thats why Ben was so pissed off after his rejection, but the producers probably don’t encourage that kind of honesty and drama avoidance.

    Does anyone else think sometimes Ben is super super fugly? I like that he’s not a BarbieBradRobotBastard but sometimes he’s just busted, buttcut and all.

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 12:20 am

    You wouldn’t tell people the end of a movie you just watched, would you? Or a book? (Well, if you are that kind of person… ick.) Who gives a fuck if this show ain’t “real” (sorry Not!) — it’s all about the story or stories put together by the editors/producers. And the bikinis.

    Speaking of which, did they give a reason for the gals stripping down for skiing? For a moment there I felt trapped in an episode of the Benny Hill Show. [shudder]

  9. 9
    kthxbai
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 7:45 am

    @itchy Not unless I knew their opinion! I wouldn’t mess up somebody’s disbelief suspension. That’s why I asked!

    There’s still all those stories either way. But people should be able to pick which 1s they like best.

    Plus here somebody’s writing about it. And this show’s got special circumstances so even if I saw people talking about spoilers of other shows I’d still ask about this 1 anyway.

    I’m a Benny Hill survivor too! It was some real old relatives that didn’t know any better. So I’ve forgiven them and healed. But sometimes really bad puns trigger the memories.

  10. 10
    Hazylazy
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    I don’t really follow the spoilers, but I have heard some. I choose not to believe them right now because I don’t not like what they are saying :P

    Technically, I’m putting spoilers out there by recapping, but if you don’t want to know what happened in an episode that has aired, don’t read the recap.

  11. 11
    l.e.boe
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Maybe he’s taking them to Utah so he can marry them all after all he can see himself spending the rest of his life with ALL of them!! Now thats a Sister Wives i’d set the PVR for!

    Does anyone else want to hold Ben down and wash his hair??

  12. 12
    itchy
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 1:00 am

    It’s not a spoiler if the episode has aired — but with this show there’s a obsessive asshole out there with strange fetish for spoiling the season finale. My guess is he used to obsess over Princess Di and found this to do after she died. Another theory is that this Reality Steve idiot is really Chris Harrison, and his whole spoiler obsession is part of Harrison’s masochistic need to do penance for being involved in this shitest of a show.

  13. 13
    ash1
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Courtney’s “kisses” were just odd…I think I’ve kissed my grandma with more passion, it was like she didn’t want to get icky boy germs all over her oddly-shaped lips. With him holding on to pudgy Jen on kissing ability alone, this doesn’t bode well for Courtney. And she was SOOO stupid to act bitchy to Shawntel in front of Ben. She’ll be gone soon…bitchy and slutty is one thing, but bitchy and prude….

  14. 14
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 10:26 am

    That Reality Steve guy is a bit of a dillweed, isn’t he? I mean, I totally get the appeal of throwing a monkey wrench into the Bachelor works–the show is so OTT ridiculous, and some of its fans take it so seriously, they’re endlessly fun to fuck with. But Reality Steve doesn’t even seem to take any joy in it… even his writing has a jerky and know-it-all tone. You CAN be a jerk, but you have to make people laugh, too, otherwise, you’re just a jerk with a soon-to-be-departing audience…

    Maybe he just REALLY hates the Bachelor franchise, and the other shows he writes spoilers for are more fun–I haven’t read any others to know.

  15. 15
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Ash, I’m not surprised at the odd kisses. Besides the fact that it sounds like Courtney could care less about Ben as an individual, they’ve probably actually spent very little time together before the producers were standing off camera making “bring it in, get closer” hand signals and kissy faces. Actors could fake passion, but this cast?

  16. 16
    Tessa
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Oh Ben. He’s like the dorky kid in high school who blossomed over the summer, joined the football team, and scored the game winning touchdown. Then all the girls in high school wanted him, including the prettiest, most bitchy girl in all of Tree Hill. He starts scheduling make out sessions with different girls after every period, and even though he meet some cute, sweet girls that would actually enjoy a relationship with him, he’s head over heels for the hot bitchy girl who only wants him for his letterman jacket and with whom he clearly has no chemistry and it’s obvious to the whole rest of the school that she’s not interested in him, just in what being with him can do for her.

    Now I’m not saying Ben is unattractive (however, he’s not my cup of tea), but it’s obvious that he’s relishing the attention and it seems as if he’s more interested in seeing how many hot girls he can make out with in one day than finding someone he can settle down with. But then again I guess I just described every season of this show.

    Sorry for the long winded, grammatically incorrect summary of how I view Ben. I only have one DEGRESS!

  17. 17
    kthxbai
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    @Tessa Yes! If you’ve seen that old youtube he made. It was a few yrs ago but the impression I get is still of a douchey 15 yr old that thinks sperm is the funniest thing ever. And girls are just this kind of annoying packing material stuff that’s stuck to boobs.

    @itchy I’ve always suspected Steve of getting a check from ABC.

    I don’t think it’s Chris Harrison though. He’s too busy rehearsing and learning his lines for the Rose Ceremony scenes.

    Anyway the problem with this show is, it seems like people that want to be surprised have to work harder every season.

    Which I’d say is unfair and impolite but those are both trigger words for my alter ego Preachy McJudgington and I’m hiding from her right now. You’re welcome.

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