The Bachelor Recap: Puerto Rican Shenanigans

The Bachelor

By Hazylazy | Tuesday, January 31, 2012 | 10:30 am | 37 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, The Bachelor

The Bachelor chooses, yet again, to take Ben and the ladies to another exotic location, Puerto Rico.  I like Ben.  I liked him last season and despite the continual insistence from commenters that Ben is not attractive, I find him charming.  However, ABC clearly thinks we have to jet around the world to make this season interesting.  Chris tells the women that they will all get a date this week… too bad Sam blew it last week.

The irony of Courtney wearing this shirt is almost too much.

The date card arrives and Nicki is headed on the first date.  Courtney is upset because not only did she not get the date card, it means she’ll have to spend time with Emily.  The date card is in Spanish and no one apparently speaks or understands, except for Emily.  It’s something about new love and we keep seeing hummingbirds.  Nicki spends a lot of time getting ready, but upon closeup, her dress is not flattering and she really should have done her nails.

It rains on the date and they get soaked.  Ben had planned an outdoors date, so that’s not going to happen.  Ben loves that she’s going with the flow.  They decide to buy new clothes, which are, surprisingly more flattering.  They happen upon a wedding, as always seems to happen at some point during a season.  Ben says he only wants to propose once more in his life, heartbreak reference HB1.  At dinner, Ben and Nicki talk about wanting to fall in love and get married and Nicki tells us about how her marriage fell apart.  They tried therapy, but they changed so much in three years that the damage was done. 

Watching a well-timed wedding.

Back at the hotel, Elyse is complaining about how she has only had one group date and she and Blakely are fighting over who deserves a date.  The group date card arrives and the datees are: Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B, Emily, Casey S, Jamie, and Blakely.  Elyse got the date and Blakely is jealous.

Back with Nicki and Ben, Nicki wants Ben to really understand her.  She’s afraid it will scare him off, but it doesn’t and he gives her the rose.  Nicki is ready for a second chance at love.  How many times can she say that?

The group date card says that “diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” which I’m sure most of them did not interpret to mean they would be playing baseball.  Emily is disappointed, but Lindzi and Blakely are excited.  They do drills and best-kisser Jennifer also proves to be the best hitter.  Courtney, not so much.  Chris arrives and announces that the ladies will be playing baseball against each other.  The winners get a romantic beach date with Ben and the losers, well they lose.  One of the women will automatically get an invite and Ben chooses Lindzi for that honor.  There are some nasty looks, but the teams are picked and the girls get prepped.  In the first inning, the red team, made up of Courtney, Kacie B, Casey S, and Jamie scores 5 runs.  Ben then makes an error that costs the red team 3 runs.  They tie at the end of the second inning and the girls start to get really competitive.  We even hear Kacie B. say “bitches” and the show screeches to a halt.  In the end, best kisser/hitter, Jennifer is at bat and strikes out.  Blakely accuses the other girls of not wanting it as badly as she did.  The blue team sits in the dugout and cries until the bus comes to take them away.

Despite what Tom Hanks and Courtney say, there is definitely crying in baseball.

The red team gets extra time with Ben and a chance at the rose.  Blakely’s biological clock is ticking and she’s upset that she hasn’t had very much time with Ben.  Everyone wants time with Ben.  Ben pulls each of the girls away for one-on-one time and Courtney trashes them individually, even her BFF Casey S.

The blue team gets back and Elyse and Nicki find out about the game.  Kacie B really wants the rose and Ben asks her to go for a walk.  Either he’s going to give her the rose or he’s just a bastard.  Ben gives her the rose and Courtney “does not know what he’s thinking.”  This after saying that she knows Kacie is competition.  Courtney steals him away and someone calls her a “piece of shit,” but we don’t see who.  Courtney suggests a secret rendezvous and she plans to get him skinny-dipping in the ocean.  Ben seems intrigued by the idea, but they don’t go for it… at least not yet.

“Hey, why are we towing a sad little dinghy?”

Elyse is feeling a little nervous about her one-on-one date.  The card arrives and Courtney can barely stop herself from vomiting as she reads the date card about going somewhere “private.”  Ben arrives as the girls lounge on the lawn.  Ben points out a yacht and everyone is insanely jealous.  There is a little boat in tow… hmm, what’s that for?  Ben and Elyse talk about their lives and decide to jump off the boat together, at least twice.  She thinks Ben might be the guy to “take the plunge with.”  Okay, she doesn’t say that, but you know the producers were hoping she would.  Elyse tells Ben she’s sick of being single, but backtracks and says it’s not about that.  She “really wants to be here” and she’s had trouble seeing all of these other girls getting dates.  She wants to be honest with Ben and asks him for the same.  He says he had a really good impression of her, but they’ve had missed connections.  Ben was hoping to find something in the date that he just hasn’t.  He cannot give her the rose and he’s sorry.  She says she doesn’t know what she did wrong and Ben pulls the whole “it’s not you, it’s me.”  She is led to a sad little boat (Hey, that’s what that was for!) and she’s gone.  Ben tosses the rose into the ocean in defiance.

The girls are stunned when the door opens and a nameless crew member takes Elyse’s bag away.  Courtney suggests that she “drank too much and her Jersey Shore came out.”  Courtney tells the other girls that she’s pleasantly surprised because she was thinking that maybe Ben was feeling too connected with too many girls.  Courtney waits in the stairwell for him and brings wine.  He invites her in, although he’s not sure he likes that she’s breaking the rules.  She offers him a massage and makes sure he sees that her assets are showing.  She again propositions him with drunken skinny-dipping.  Ben is thinking that it’s not a good idea, but what the hell.  She thinks he deserves to go skinny-dipping with a model.  They get naked and run into the ocean together.  She’s scared the other girls will hate her forever, but she feels like she’s winning.  Again, there is the W word.

As Courtney adjusted, Ben actually said “Oh wow.”

The girls all sit around pre-cocktail party and Ben feels guilty about his rendezvous with Courtney, but doesn’t bring it up.  His goal now is “to be open.”  Ben gets some time with Jennifer, who is wearing another ugly dress.  Where do these bitches shop?  Ben says their conversations are easy and they kiss.  Blakely and Kacie B. talk about their feelings and Blakely cannot wait to talk to Ben alone.  She tells him that every day she writes down something that she likes about him.  Now she has realized that she does deserve love, even if they don’t end up together.  Ben is really glad she’s come to this realization because her epiphany will make it a lot easier to get rid of her.

Courtney is sadistically enjoying watching him “try to connect” with the other girls and teases the girls with hints about her nocturnal aquatics.  Emily tells Ben that she’s refocused on him, but quickly tells him that she STILL stands by what she said before.  She really would hate to see him make that mistake while she stood by.  Ben tells her, AGAIN, to drop it.  Emily really wants a rose tonight, but she keeps shooting herself in the foot.

Rose ceremony!  Nicki and Kacie B. have rose #1 and 2.  There are seven left.  Ben proclaims it’s getting tougher and tougher.  Rose #3 goes to Lindzi.  Jamie, Rachel, and Courtney are next.  Courtney pretends to be surprised, like a beauty queen.  Casey S, who has not received a one-on-one date yet, is next, as is Blakely.  So will the final rose go to best kisser Jennifer or biggest mouth Emily.  He says Emily and I gasp.  My husband says “really?” outloud.  Jennifer wants him to find happiness and wishes him luck, but cries in the jeep as she’s leaving.  Seriously?  She doesn’t even get a limo?  She wonders what she did wrong, too.

A toast to another trip.  How aren’t these bitches jetlagged?

Next week they head to Panama City, Panama where there will be more sexy dates and something really bad happens with Casey S.  Several of the girls will apparently pull Ben away and discuss the Courtney situation.  Woot!  In the outtakes of the show, we watch Ben and Nicki get into a chocolate bath and rub whipped cream on each other.  It probably seemed sexier in planning, but really ends up seeming a little silly.  No wonder they cut that.

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About

Hazylazy has been described as "an English professor who watches a lot of trash" and this could not be more accurate.

37 Comments

  1. 1
    iwatchcraptv
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 11:17 am

    In this episode i realized that with the exception of Courtneys horrible personality, the girls are lacking.. Atleast Courtney added some comedic value and unfortunatly seemed right on with most of what she said in her comentaries.
    The date with Elyse was horrible and im not surprised at all that he got rid of her. Im not sure if she was drunk or what, but she continusly backtracked thru out the entire date. One second mentioning her great job and then saying she quit her job to come there, not to mention admitting that she blew off her friends wedding also. Not very redeeming qualities.
    And whats up with all the ungrooming thats going on? At the rose ceromony, it looked like not one girl had put a brush thru her hair.

  2. 2
    l.e.boe
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I can’t wait for next week when the discarded rose floats by Elyse in her little dindhy of heatbreak on it’s way back to the U.S.A and she jumps in to retrieve it then swims all the way back to Ben, making it back just in time for the Rose ceremony. Covered in seaweed, clothes torn, jelly fish stings, Ben has to tell her once again, he’s just not feeling it… Most.Dramatic.Rose.Ceremony.EVER!!

  3. 3
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 11:42 am

    I think all the sloppy ungrooming amongst the ladies is supposed to make them look like they’re a better match for Ben, who could lubricate a car just by crawling under it.

  4. 4
    BlueCanary
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    A chocolate bath with whipped cream?? What is this, a Teen Wolf house party? Ugh. How will she stand through an entire rise ceremony without scratching like a demon at the resulting, inevitable yeast infection?

  5. 5
    billyjeansss
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    your recaps are BORING. Can you please add a little more humor/sarcasm to your writing? I feel like I’m reading the official ABC episode recap here!

  6. 6
    BlueCanary
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    I don’t think it’s boring–everyone has their own brand of funny, and ome size doesn’t always fit all. My grandma used to say that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Of course, my daddy used to say if you can’t say something nice, just say fuck you with a smile. True story.

  7. 7
    ash1
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    The bigger irony is Courtney calling the others “little girls” while she continues with that baby voice and awkward granny kisses. Oh, wait, I forgot, she showed her goodies first. THAT makes her a big girl…

  8. 8
    ash1
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    On next week’s episode…Emily apologizes for focusing on Courtney instead of Ben…then tells Ben what a bitch Courtney is….again!

  9. 9
    ash1
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    grrrrrr!!!! Why do you have to delete my whole comment if I type the code wrong?????????

  10. 10
    kthxbai
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    My favorite part was when Ben wanted some authentic Puerto Rican clothes, like “one of those sweet Colombian looking hats.”

    When he said “let’s get some parabas” I thought ABC must’ve gotten them special permission to bring back tropical birds.

    But it turned out he was talking about getting raspados. Which people in PR call piraguas.

    When the screen went to sportsball I went to wash a load of towels.

    I don’t see my relationship with Ben going any farther than me thinking he’s a douche. With some ugly ass hair.

    I just can’t see myself with him. So I’m still not able to give him a rose. Because the connection I have with Mr thxbai is so much stronger.

  11. 11
    Danielle
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    I hope neither of them peed in that Chocolate bath!
    Also, WTF is up with this guy? He’s not only OH SO very average looking, he’s also not very bright, immature, and kind of mean. How come he took Jennifer aside at the cocktail party, agreed that their date was perfect, kissed her, and then sent her home–without explanation?? This guy is such a tool. So hard to watch!

  12. 12
    itchy
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    I had a good laugh over his poindexter bowtie on the beach getup, which went great with his greasy-ass center-part. My guess is the stylists on the show are fed up with what a douchebag he is too — every now and then he lets a bit of his inner meanspiritness slip out. No doubt he treats the crew like shit. It just makes me hope he does indeed choose Cuntney. They deserve each other. Her and her bony boy body.

    I’m glad he kept Emily though. She’s cute AND going for a PhD. What’s not to love?

    And I kind of agree about the recapping — a little snark goes a long way. Especially with this shitfest of a show.

  13. 13
    Danielle
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    If anyone told me, to “drop it” and “tread lightly” as Ben did to Emily last night, I’d have kicked some sand in their face, publicly shamed them at the rose ceremony, and rode my limo home with a smile.

  14. 14
    Mom2redheads
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    @Danielle…totally totally agree! Thank you for saying that. When Ben said that last night, my husband said, “you would have given him the finger and told him to suck it”. Yep, sure would of. She is a pretty girl going for a PH.D…go find a guy who knows how to shampoo his hair. He upped his douche quotient for me exponentially when he talked like that to her. What a jerk. I used to be pissed that he seems to be so in to Cuntney. Now, I think he deserve they beyotch.

  15. 15
    Mom2redheads
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    Correction: he deserves the beyotch….hope the grammar police from T & T aren’t lurking over here tonight. If so, I’m going to the big house.

  16. 16
    kthxbai
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Oh I also figured out how come Courtney’s mouth looks like that. It’s wonky lip injections.

    Either they went in uneven, or something shifted, or she’s just 1 of those people that shouldn’t get them. Because if they do their mouth will look like that.

    @Danielle I was having that exact same fantasy!

    Except in mine after Emily leaves all the other girls come up 1 by 1 and tell him sorry they just can’t accept the rose because he’s a douche.

    And then Chris Harrison comes out!

    Chris: Well Ben obviously this is something that’s never happened before in Bachelor history.

    Ben: Um..

    Chris: And we want to make it clear to our audience that all the girls were told in advance that you’re a douche and said they were OK with that but as we can see they weren’t.

    Still we try to be prepared for everything here on The Bachelor so if you’ll look over to your left you’ll see 2 people coming up out of the ocean, all wet.

    The 1 in the drippy evening dress is Shawntel and the 1 with stupid looking rolled up tuxedo pants like yours holding the brief case is Neil Lane.

    Ben: huh?

    Chris: So if you’d like to go ahead and trust the process, you can pick out a diamond ring and get engaged to Shawntel right here!

    Ben: Uh, I guess..

    Chris: We did try to get some of the other girls you’d dumped to be here so you could have a bigger selection but unfortunately they all said you were a douche and Shawntel was the only 1 that’s got a book coming out.

    So Ben whenever you’re ready…

    Shawntel: I’m so sorry Chris, but I just found out Neil can help me get better promotion for my book and Ben’s a total douche.

  17. 17
    WonderWall
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    @ Billyjeansss and Itchy – you are so right. These recaps are even more boring than the show. I didn’t realize that was even possible. For those folks who think this recap writer is funny: you are wrong. Very, very wrong. For reference, see chickbomb’s [rock of love!] & flipit’s work [project runway!]. Now THAT’s what tvgasm recaps are all about!! This writer is literally writing what happened and that’s it. That’s horrible. Gasm writers should use wit to amplify the show’s horror/humor/boredom/awesomeness/absurdity/whatever into sheer and utter hilarity. A quality writer can and will have you laughing out loud at the computer screen. It’s a waste not to give this show a top-notch writer because it is insanely stupid without meaning to be. It takes itself seriously while showcasing boring people and failing to entertain. GOLDMINE for tvgasm.

  18. 18
    Hazylazy
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    If you don’t find my recaps funny, no one is forcing you to read them. I was given this position based on merit (and based on the recap from an episode of The Bachelorette), so some of the powers that be did find my writing to be amusing. Am I on mark all the time? Probably not. Is my humor funny to everyone all the time? Definitely not. But I try to walk the line of actually recapping the show and commenting on it. Truthfully, this episode was a little boring and I was hurting for material. You win some, you lose some. Thanks for constructive feedback on what I can do to make this more appealing to the masses.

  19. 19
    SuburBint
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    Writing recaps looks awfully easy until you sit down to actually do it, especially when your source material is so mind-numbingly dull that it’s all you can do to stay awake long enough to hash out the major plot points. Chin up, Hazylazy!
    <3, SuburBint

  20. 20
    kthxbai
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    @Hazylazy We might be on opposite sides about liking Ben but I enjoy your recaps a lot more than I enjoy the show. Which I’m amazed you can get more than like half of a page out of.

    I was shocked to find out you don’t even get to pick.

    So in that way TVgasm isn’t any different from a regular newspaper where the writers get assigned to stuff. Whether it’s something they like or not.

  21. 21
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted January 31, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    File me with the ranks of the disappointed. You’re a very good writer and I am sorry you are recapping a show you’re not enjoying, it is evident in your terse gallop-throughs.

    I revel in the RH, T&T and Top Chef recaps because they linger on the details… like when you mentioned the lack of nail care and boat being towed behind. I would never have caught either and the boat especially was hilarious! The other satisfying thing about recaps is when the writer points out something you did notice, like how terribly Jennifer dresses and the “colombian style” hat that made Ben’s outfit authentically Puerto Rican. It makes my snarky heart snarkle in glee.

    Love you all the same and I do enjoy the recaps, I just want to feel you enjoy the show a little more. Or better yet, enjoy making fun of it.

  22. 22
    itchy
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 12:53 am

    @Hazylazy : I think what we’re (some of us, anyway) just looking for more of your personal input/opinions in the recap — that’s what makes recaps so much fun to read, after all. I’m more interested in YOUR take on what happens than what actually happens, if that makes any sense.

    But yes, it helps if you enjoy watching this trainwreck of a show.

    Although I can understand your infatuation with Ben — I get that way every time I see a nice greasy NJ pizza too.

    Oh, and I didn’t realize Shawntel (stupid spelling syndrome) has a book out. Go figure.

  23. 23
    Hazylazy
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 5:50 am

    I think Reality Steve reported that she has a book coming out, but that’s the only place I’ve seen it.

    I do, generally, enjoy the show, but this week was kind of blah. The less-than-interesting date choices and the girls on those less-than-interesting one-on-one dates didn’t help.

    I’m hopeful about next week, though. It looks like there might be some Courtney drama involved and that Kacie B is in on it. When Snow White has something mean to say, you know it’s serious :)

  24. 24
    itchy
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 5:54 am

    I thought Quesa-Billa threw out that “piece of shit” remark. She’s cute, she’s sweet, she’s got claws. Yum.

  25. 25
    fancyface3000
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    I knew she threw out (yes, pun intended) the bitches comment at the gabe but if someone can confirm that kasie b made the piece of shit comment, that would make my year – all 3t days of it!

  26. 26
    fancyface3000
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Ugh meant gaMe and 32!

  27. 27
    FuriousFlipper
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    But seriously, did they do it? And no one is asking this so…but did they have sex in the water? What say you all?

  28. 28
    itchy
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Have you ever tried to have sex in the ocean? Might be possible with a bucket of lube, assuming the water’s warm. They definitely rubbed their parts against each other, though. Yick. Especially since it’s pretty clear she’s only playing for a part on the next Bachelor Pad. What a whore.

    And yes, it was indeed Quesa-B who called her “a piece of shit.”

  29. 29
    fancyface3000
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    KB continues to win my heart! LOL. @ff — that’s what I was wondering too. Were they scurvy enough to have sex with cameras rolling. I can’t imagine…

  30. 30
    kthxbai
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    I don’t remember which sites but I saw about Shawntel’s book out on other places.

    This show kind of reminds me of when an older lady knows she needs to update her look but she’s totally clueless about how to do it. So she ends up just looking confused.

    The 1st Bachelor was like 20 yrs ago. There weren’t a lot of reality shows at all then. Or internets. But times changed.

    And now there’s people watching it that have parents that watched it! And both the generations are used to internets and lots of a whole different kind of reality show.

    When that started happening a few yrs ago the ratings went down.

    It was about that time that Steve coincidentally just happened to start his site up.

    And it did get more interest. But times changed even more. And by then there were even more and trashier reality shows. And even more people on the internets every day.

    So they started Bachelor Pad. And the thing of recycling the characters. Where 1 of the rejects will get to be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette.

    So in a way ALL the contestants are on there to at least get cast on Bachelor Pad. But hopefully get picked to be the star on the next Bachelor or Bachelorette.

    This season it looks like they decided to crank it up some more. And pick a star that’s more deserving of the vocabulary word of polarizing.

    To get people to at least have enough of an opinion 1 way or the other to watch it and talk about it. Even if all we do is argue about whether Ben’s a douche or not.

    And having the cartoon bitch girl get more screen time and stay longer.

    But they’re still also trying to keep that lowest common denominator blandness in there for their traditional conservative audience that thinks The Bachelor should be less trashy.

    So it’s ended up being like that older lady going through her awkward phase trying to figure out how to look more modern but still be age appropriate.

    Nobody knows what to say to her.

    But all that’s on ABC. They’re the 1s that have to figure out how to fix it. Because the problem doesn’t have jackshit to do with plain old viewers. Or any of the TVgasm dignitaries.

    Although I bet if ABC offered them $ they could think of lots of ideas!

  31. 31
    l.e.boe
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    I agree with itchy on the impossibility of sex in the ocean, unless maybe you’re wearing water wings… not sure how I know this.. ***whistling****…. I just do…..

    Courtney reminds me of the psycho room mate in Single White Female, crazy is always on the verge of imploding. How can Ben not see the crazy in her eyes??! I guess maybe he never looks at her eyes…..

  32. 32
    melange
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    I think itchy was talking about chaffing, not flotation, but good to know l.e.!

    Ben’s already decided his final 2 or 3, if not his final 1. All the other ‘ladies’ are just there because the producers want drama (like Emily, to antagonize Cuntney) or to fill time, because only so many can be kicked off per episode.

    I thought Ben was very unfair to Elyse. At least bring the non-datable women to an even number of group dates so they’re not stuck in the house all the time. If you’re certain you’re not going to be interested, just dump ‘em early! Now he just looks like a jackass for telling her she’s behind, since he never really gave her a shot. Maybe he planned to get rid of her earlier, but Shawntel’s arrival and departure screwed up the numbers.

  33. 33
    itchy
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 12:26 am

    I’d imagine that’s the same every season: the Bachelor(ette) figures out pretty quickly which two or three or so contestants have the most potential, and the rest are there because, well, the show stretches out over 13 episodes or so.

    As for the ocean thing. In the interest of science, Mrs. Itchy and I have conducted extensive research, involving multiple and longterm studies, and we’ve come to certain conclusions, the most important of which is, even if a guy does manage to get it up in the (cold) ocean, where can he pass out after he’s done? It’s quite dangerous.

    Mrs. Itchy, on the other hand, came to the conclusion that she prefers to avoid allowing sand, salt, planckton, urine, seaweed, shark sperm, seagull droppings and what-have-you to get on up in there.

  34. 34
    Danielle
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I’m going to say he at least got off in the water…otherwise he wouldn’t have had such shame the next day.

  35. 35
    Hazylazy
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I agree with Danielle. He came to hit that level of shame. But sex in the cold ocean? No thanks.

  36. 36
    tvblarg
    Posted February 4, 2012 at 10:29 am

    is courtney more attractive in person? her head is so small and squishy… pair that with her man-shoulders… she’s really very odd looking.

  37. 37
    L Chienne
    Posted February 5, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Ben is such a turd. His speech to Elyse drove that home.

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