The Bachelor Recap: Rehashing and Trashing

This week, the women tell all, or mostly stuff we’ve already seen.  But they start by teasing us with the drama and promising an appearance of Courtney who may or may not cry.  Chris assures us that we will not want to miss it.  First, we hear all about the reunions and Bachelor Pad Season 3.  I’m not recapping that show as far as I know, so I will fast-forward.  I’m not honestly sure how well this recappish episode will recap, but I’ll give it a shot.

Recapping a recap show is a little redundant, but eh.

We start by welcoming a bunch of ladies I don’t really remember and a few, like the crazy blogger chick Jenna, who I am delighted to see.  Blakely starts out by announcing that she didn’t come to the show to make friends and then we get a mini-recap of the season with many of the girls trashing Blakely.

Blakely is offended that Courtney called her a stripper. I’m hoping she doesn’t read my recaps as I’ve called her much worse.

Then we are treated to a replay of the most awkward lap dance and kissing instruction session ever with Jamie and the skinny-dipping with Courtney.  Chris starts a conversation with Blakely and then Jaclyn feels the spotlight vaguely near her and has to say something.  Then Samantha opens her damn mouth and it’s like nails on a chalkboard for a while.  How will I ever stand two hours of this shit?

I don’t even remember Samantha.  I must have blocked it out.

Brittney talks about her decision to leave because she was not attracted to Ben and one of the other girls tries to call her out on it.  Samantha clearly just wants to hear herself talk.  Brittney compares her to a Chihuahua in that she never shuts up; it’s an apt comparison.

Shawntell crashes.  Again, no one cares who she is.

Now Chris announces that Shawntell is crashing the party/pimping her book again and the women are less than delighted.  But before we hear from her we get to see all of the nastiness from the women and Shawntell tells Chris how hard it was to watch.  Bullying is brought up again and then the women have plenty to say.  Elyse apologizes for her behavior and Rachel says she felt a little guilty, but Shawntell brought it upon herself.  Erika says she was rude, but she was mad.  Shawntell has no regrets, so let’s get this bitch out of here.

Emily brings up Courtney… again.

Emily is next in “the hot seat.”  Chris brings up her rapping and I’m a little worried that we might be subjected to more of that… which I will promptly fast-forward through.  We watch Emily go down in flames again as she brings up the “Courtney situation.”  Emily says she will always wonder if Ben let her go because of the Courtney.  Blakely brings up the fact that Courtney called her a stripper and then took off her clothes repeatedly.  Hypocritical, much?  But we’re not quite to the Courtney bashing yet.

Nicki is up next and talks, of course, about her first marriage and how she thought she was ready for Ben, but after this it may take a while.  There is really no new information here and the women all look on with empathy.  Nicki was shocked in the rose ceremony where she was sent home and she has some questions for Ben.  She says she’s doing much better a few months later, but Nicki is just as boring as she was on the show, so we move on to fan favorite Kacie B.

I’m beginning to think we’re not going to hear from crazy blogger Jenna.  Come on, Chris Harrison!  She may be crazy, but at least she wasn’t boring.  Give us some entertainment because this recap is boring as shit right now.

Even Kacie cannot watch her exit.

Anyway, Kacie B’s heartbreaking exit replay is next.  Chris talks about how everyone loves Kacie B.  Monica even gets a little teary during the video.  Chris is all “what went wrong” and Kacie is all like “bitch, I was wondering the same thing.”  Apparently it’s the most natural thing in the world to seek love on The Bachelor.  Chris asks if she’s ready to find love again and she doesn’t seem interested in being the next Bachelorette, but we shall see.

Man, for a “pretty girl” she makes a great troll face.

The next part of the show will be dedicated to Courtney and her antics.  The women all re-enact Kacie B’s smashing of the black widow and Monica lets loose.  Chris admits that Kacie B. held out as long as she could without saying bad things about Courtney.  Casey S. says Courtney was always sweet and sincere with her, proving how naïve she is.  Casey says Courtney had a crush on Ben and Elyse pipes up with “of course she did, he was on t.v.”

Elyse basically calls Courtney a fame-whore.

I think we might have hit the nail on the head here, folks.  Let’s call it a night.  The torches are lit and the townspeople are ready.  Let’s bring the bitch out.

The ladies are ready to draw and quarter Courtney. Let’s get this party started!

Courtney now gets a chance to tell “her side of the story.”  Or sides.  With all of her personalities, who knows what we’re going to get.  You could hear a pin drop and she says she feels horrible and wishes she could go back.  Courtney says she knows people were talking about her and that’s why she was defensive.  Most of the women get her to admit that they were all nice to her and she was still a crazy bitch.  Nicki asks her what the turning point was where she realized she had made such a mess of things with Ben.  Courtney tries to write everything off as “bad jokes” because she was uncomfortable.  Casey S. tries to defend her BFF, but it’s pretty clear she’s alone in that fight.  Courtney says she wishes the girls had gotten a chance to know her better, which is such shit.  Seriously?  They would have been happy to get to know the more well-balance Courtney.  Courtney talks about the press response and how negatively the show and her behavior on the show has affected her friends and family.  Jaclyn says that she did try to get to know Courtney and Chris finally asks Jenna a question.  Jenna says she’s on Courtney’s side, which is not surprising because crazy defends crazy.

“Is this what sincerity looks like?”

Courtney cries some real tears and says she “cared for Ben and still does,” which I’m hoping means he does end up with Lindzi. But I’ve almost given up any hope of salvaging this season.

Ben is up next and is bound to face some hard questions.  Some of the women clap, but a few just look annoyed.  Best kisser Jennifer asks what she didn’t have that the other women did.  Ben says she was too far ahead in their relationship.  Emily felt she was cheated out of closure and Ben said he wanted their relationship to be about them, not about other girls.  Nicki says he’s the best man and she really still wants him to find happiness.  Chris asks if Ben wishes he’d handled any of the goodbyes differently and he says he felt bad about the way he told Casey S. to go.  Jamie says she’d still be willing to go out with him.

For a dude who claimed to be all about the symbolic presence of his father, you’d think the bird attack in the middle of “the blue hole” would be a sign.

We see some bloopers, mostly involving animals, dancing, and Ben getting fitted for a loincloth.

Did we really need to see this? No.  Did I really need to take a picture of it?  Abso-fucking-lutely.

Before we end the evening, we get a “sneak peek” at the final two women and next week’s finale, which we certainly can’t wait for.

Nicki and Kacie hold hands as they watch Courtney’s clips.

Chris admits that he knows most of America is rooting for Lindzi.  The women all look dejected as the Courtney clips roll and all smiles when he’s with Lindzi.  We can see who they want him to end up with.  So next week will mark the end of this season and probably whatever relationship Ben chooses will end “after the final rose.”

Apparently Chris did talk to crazy blogger Jenna, but we only get to see a little snippet as the credits roll.  And then, in the strangest rose ceremony ever, Monica offers Jenna a tampon which she accepts.

Will the tampon ceremony will join depressing hide and seek as regular features in future seasons of The Bachelor?  We can only hope.

They hug and I forsee a whole new show in the making here.  I want them both to be on Bachelor Pad.  I would so watch and recap those shenanigans.

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