The Bachelor Recap: Rehashing the Past

The Bachelor on tour brings Ben and his ladies to Park City, Utah where Ben will take the girls on outdoorsy dates.  Because these are totally chicks who camp and clean their own fish.  Please, most of these bitches would define “outdoorsy” as not having a wi-fi connection and a blow dryer.  The first date is for Rachel and Rachel alone.  This is “that first big step towards a life together” for Rachel.   Sweet little Kacie B. is sad because she wants to be past all of this and going to the grocery store with Ben.  And we want that for you, sister.  We really do.

Rachel and Ben fly high.

Ben takes Rachel away on a helicopter and all of the girls are terribly jealous, including Kacie B., who wants to throw up.  Ben thinks Rachel is “great and super mellow,” which really makes me think that Courtney is not his type.  She is way too high maintenance.    Rachel and Ben canoe and smooch.  Meanwhile, Kacie B. and Monica canoodle and talk feelings, which now makes me think that Monica is totally going to make a move on Kacie B.  Monica thinks that Rachel is history, but Monica also said that Blakely would be in her life forever, so we’re not sure we trust her judgment.  The afternoon conversation with Rachel is stilted and she has already admitted to “communication issues.”

Kacie B. confides in Monica, who, oddly enough,seems to have become the voice of reason around here. 

Dinner conversation isn’t much better, so we cut back to the girls in the house receiving a date card.  The group date consists of Jamie, Kasey S., Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B. and (Emily totally clears her throat here and maybe vomits just a little) Courtney.  Courtney knows the girls don’t want Ben to like her.

Back at dinner, Ben seems to me letting Rachel down easy.  She does a lot of talking in the narration, but not really in the time with Ben.  Rachel tells Ben that she struggles with communication and finally talks for more than 30 seconds.  She says she’s happy to be here and Ben seems to relax a little, although he does bring up Ashleigh.  HB = 1.  Ben gives her the rose, so she’s not the one headed home in dejection.  They make smores and smooch some more.

Note that Kacie B’s shirt says “HOPE” on it.

Now for group date hijinks.  Note to Ben… fly fishing does not make you Brad Pitt.  Ben shows up on a horse and there is much swooning.  Lindzi is excited about the horseback riding and Courtney advises them to “watch out for poop.” Cause ewww.  Some of the girls seems genuinely excited to fly fish, but Courtney says catching a fish isn’t much harder than catching a man and again talks about how winning the prize is the true objective.  Notice tonight that a lot of her word choice is about winning.  Cause that’s what love is, right?  Courtney has “such a connection” with Ben that she’s “going to turn the group date into a one-on-one date.”  Meanwhile, back at the room, Monica totally calls it that Courtney is going to steal Ben from the other girls.  Lindzi  hones in on Courtney’s game, but Courtney somehow manages to catch a fish.  Or, the producers managed to get a fish on her hook without anyone else noticing.

Damn, aren’t they cute together?

 The girls get back to the fancy outfits except for Ben who is wearing flip-flops and a hoodie.  Ben pulls Casey S. away for some time with her and the twins.  Her boobs are crazy in that top.  Nicki interrupts and tells Ben how her boss died right before she came on this trip and then Ben shares that a friend of his died right before the show started taping.  Nicki tells him how she has learned to live every moment blah blah blah.  Samantha  and her boobs talk to Ben next.  Whereas Nicki seemed happy to have group dates and actually thanked Ben for taking her on a date in every city, Samantha is upset about being on group dates.  Ben questions her motives and gets a little harsh here based on her actions and neediness.  Ben says he doesn’t see this going much further and he doesn’t think she takes this seriously.  In fact, why don’t you get your shit and go now?  The other girls are stunned, but it’s one less bitch to deal with and one less blonde to confuse.  Courtney is happy to see other girls go and claims Ben are “making choices for both of us.”

Wait, what?

Ben comes back and the girls totally fake their perking up.  Ben brings up how he takes this seriously and proposed the last time.  HB= 2.  Date card arrives for best kisser Jennifer.  Ben and Kasie B. escape for one-on-one time and get cuddly.  Ben tells her he really wanted to kiss her during the fishing, but didn’t want to do that in front of the other girls, which is considerate of him, I guess.  They spend some chill time together and talk feelings.  Ben admits to really feeling a connection with her and names her as a girl he “may end up with.”

Courtney, in the meantime is seething in jealousy, alone.  Ben invites her up to the fireplace and they kiss.  She starts to let a little of the crazy show.  It’s a calculated bit of crazy, though, meant to show Ben how hard this is for her and win her the rose.  She tells Ben she knows he has all of these great girls and that she needs reassurance.  Ben totally falls for it and gives the rose to Courtney, who tells us in her video diary that she is “winning.”  Maybe she should be one of Charlie Sheen’s goddesses.  I cannot believe Ben falls for this shit.

Jennifer, who someone called pudgy in the comments last week, is headed out for a magical day with Ben.  Courtney doesn’t think Jennifer will get a rose on this date.  Ben takes Jennifer into a sketchy area past “No Trespassing” signs, but the camera crew is there, so I’m sure it’ll be fine.  They strip down to bathing suits and Jennifer is so not pudgy.

Good girl Jennifer does not feel good about this.

The girls sit back in the room and all analyze why Courtney should not have gotten the rose.  No one sees why he would like her, and they just don’t see it.  Then Courtney shows up and someone says it’s “hot in here.”

Ben and Jennifer drop into a crater and kiss.  Then they are in a ski-lift and talking about how pretty Utah is.  Jennifer says nothing can ruin this perfect day, so cue the thunderstorm.  So the theme of the week is previous relationships.  Jennifer talks about having dated someone for over 4 years, but that she walked away because he wouldn’t marry her.

The irony of bleaching roots and discussing how fake Courtney is is totally lost on these bitches.

The ladies talk about how normal Jennifer seems and then Blakely does Emily’s roots while they all talk about Courtney.  I have to take this time to point out that Courtney always switches to a cutesy baby voice when she talks to Ben, which is truly irritating.

Ben gives Jennifer the rose and they ride the ski-lift down to a makeshift Clay Walker concert with a few hundred people who mostly seem to be women.  It’s not the private concert that Lindzi got, but they seem to enjoy it and he sings more than one song.

Cocktail party!  And it’s storming/snowing.  Emily makes the observation that there could not be three girls that are more different than Jennifer, Courtney, and Rachel.  So true.  The boozing starts and Ben pulls Monica away for a one-on-one, but we don’t get to see any of that, so it must have been uneventful.  We see more of Emily bashing Courtney and she really wants to save him from Courtney who she describes as a marble statue because she’s beautiful, but cold.

I’m posing because I’m a model.

Now Emily gets him alone and he basically tells her not to throw anyone under the bus, but she does anyway.  He warns her that this could be her demise and yeah, that might happen.  So Emily tells some of the girls that she told Ben and Casey S. stands up for Courtney.  Casey and Courtney are BFFs.  Casey runs to Courtney like a good little subordinate.  Courtney wants to verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night, but she’s totally a nice person.  Cue the maniacal laugh.

Ben and Nicki get some one-on-one time.  They watch it snow and try to catch some on their tongues.  Then on each others’ tongues.  Then we get back to some crazy Courtney time.  Courtney gives Emily the stink eye and laughs at Emily.  Emily is “really confused,” but Courtney saying she is winning and walks off gloating… out  loud “I have a rose and you don’t.”  Where is Ben when this shit happens?

Chris announces the rose ceremony and Ben says he feels like this is a turning point and that feelings are developing fast.  So, for those of you keeping score at home, Ben has given roses to Rachel, Courtney, and Jennifer.  There are 8 roses left, so one girl will be heading home.  Rose #4 goes to Lindzi.  Jaime is #5.  Nicki, Kasie B. (yay), and Elyse are next.  I’m surprised at Elyse because she got like no airtime this week, but he does seem to favor darker-haired girls.  Cougar Blakely is next and then the oblivious Casey S.  The final rose will go to either Monica or Emily… long pause for drama… and it goes to Emily.  I’m actually sad to see Monica go because I was beginning to like her.  She is gracious, but cries once she’s in the limo and actually endears herself to the audience.  Too bad she didn’t do that sooner.

Next week they will head somewhere warm where we will finally see the skinny-dipping scene that was teased in week 1.  I bet there will be drama!

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