The Bachelor Recap: The Blakely Situation

This week’s episode of The Bachelor starts out with Ben bringing all of the women to Sonoma and showing them where they will be staying/fighting for a while.  Ben feels lucky and wonders what his late father would think about all of these women who are, according to Ben, both beautiful and smart.  Where he gets the smart part is beyond me, but he gives Kacie from Tennessee the first date card, so I’ll cut him a little slack.

I would choose to hang out with this dog over most of the women on the show.

They giggle a lot and goof off in a toy store.  While I find this totally charming and a great first date in the real world, I’m not sure she’s glamorous enough to last for the long hall.  She teaches him to twirl a baton and they have their own little parade in the middle of the street.  This is both dorky and completely adorable.  They talk about family and she asks some rather insightful questions about his father.  Kacie says their chemistry feels really natural and she says she’s a hopeless romantic.  I really want things to work out for her.  Can we just end the show now?

Ben and his future wife or Ben and the next bachelorette?

The group date card arrives and it seems that he invites everyone (I later find out this is not the case).  I was really hoping to see Jenna break down because she did not get invited, but all we get is a little bit of Blakely bitching about not wanting to go on a group date.  Does she not watch the show?  Why is there always some chick who thinks she gets all the dates?

Ben gives Kacie a rose and they kiss.  It’s not the first kiss.  Emily had that honor.  Ben and Kacie now go to a movie theater where they watch home movies.  If it were possible to make her more likable, they just did it.  Now we get to see little baby Ben… naked.  They both get a little teary watching him with his dad.  I think he could not have picked a better person to share that with.  Imagine him showing that to bitchy Courtney or crazy Jenna?

Ben wants to make these women feel like they are all a part of this community and Blakely is already claiming the rose.  Everyone is super happy and Ben tells them they are going to be putting on a play.  A few of the girls seem to be expecting to be doing real “theatre” and are seriously forcing a smile.  Jennifer acts like a weasel… on cue.  Someone asks Nicki to do a sexy dance and Blakely to jog in slow motion.  One of the kids is “not a fan” of Blakely.  She has company.

Oh wait.  There are some girls not on the date: Lindzi, Courtney, and Erika (and others whose names I don’t yet know).  Courtney is trying to undermine the confidence of the others.  I really would have liked to see this play out with Monica and Jenna, but you can’t have it all.  Erika says something is just not right about Courtney.  She’s just way too confident.

Back to the play: Jenna is a wizard and Monica is a dragon who gets to blow Ben’s clothes off.  That’s maybe not entirely appropriate for children’s theater, but eh.  They all seemed to have fun.  It’s not entertaining, though.  The other girls give the Best Actress award to Jennifer the weasel.  One of the girls observes that there is a rose on the table and Blakely will not shut up about it.  She says something about taking the rose and Samantha looks like she’ll cut a bitch.  Blakely, the VIP cocktail waitress, doesn’t see any of the other girls as competition.  Samantha calls her a cougar and becomes the second girl to hide in the bathroom this season.  What exactly is a VIP cocktail waitress?  Is that a code word for hooker?

What the fuck is a VIP cocktail waitress? Does that mean hooker?

Another date card arrives for Courtney and she’s super excited and gushing about how Ben wants to kiss her.  Everyone else is jealous and pissed.  Erika says she’s “not a real person.”

Blakely is convinced she will get the rose and says she “cannot get distracted.”  Jennifer takes him away for one-on-one time.  They kiss, but I’m expecting Blakely to barge in any second.  Jennifer becomes like the fourth person to say she may be falling in love with him.

Ben says he saw a side of Blakely he hadn’t seen before.  I think those were her boobs.  They make out while at least three girls, including Jennifer watch.  Ben gives the rose to Blakely after saying she made good use of their time together with conversation.  Jennifer is really disappointed, but she should be comforted in the fact that Blakely got her sloppy seconds.  The other girls don’t like her and Samantha flat out calls her a hooker.  I like Samantha.

Ben picks Courtney up for their date.  Kacie says the meanest thing she’s capable of.  That Courtney is not a good person.  Ben walks Courtney and Scotch into the woods for a picnic.  I’m hoping for an axe murderer, but no luck.  Courtney seems to think they have a great connection, but he really seems to be having a date with the dog, who cries for attention when he’s spending too much time talking to Courtney.  I would so pick the dog over most of these bitches.  Their date is one-sided, but he doesn’t seem to notice that he’s doing all of the talking or the fact that he’s bonding more with the dog than Courtney.  Scotch deserves the rose.

Ben says Courtney is exceeding his expectations, they must be low.  Ben talks about his partying days and how The Bachelorette gave him clarity.  Well, he doesn’t say clarity, but I want him to so  kthxbai can do a shot.  Ben doesn’t understand why Courtney’s available.  She says she’s picky.  I say she’s shallow and fucking crazy.  They talk about a-ha moments and kiss.  He gives her the rose.  He also brings up his own heartbreak and humiliation.  HB = 1.  He’s telling her all about how he feels as she stares at the rose.  They kiss more.  She rubs the rose all over her face and laughs maniacally.  Really.  It’s creepy.  It’s not often you get to hear a genuinely maniacal laugh.

Courtney LOVES the rose.

The cocktail party begins and Ben is at least courteous enough to make sure to spend times with the four women he hasn’t seen this week.  Lindzi confesses that she was afraid he’d forget her name.  Lindzi tells him all about how she drives a truck and doesn’t usually wear makeup.

Ben pulls Samantha away for one-on-one time and Blakely crashes.  Other girls say she’s rude because she should not be taking time with him.  Erika has some time with him that we don’t see and then Blakely grabs him as they come back down the stairs.  He breaks away and heads off camera.  All of the girls are ready to take Blakely out, but Samantha is the most vocal about it.  Jaclyn calls her a stage 5 clinger.  It becomes known as “the Blakely situation.”

Ben gets Jenna for one-on-one time.  Jenna talks about the battle in her head and how she’s a nervous wreck.  Jenna talks about how she’s “like a guy” and Ben looks confused.  Their conversation is stilted and awkward, which is just Jenna in a nutshell.  Jenna retreats to a bedroom to cry.  Kacie says Blakely is toxic.  Blakely is mystified as to why the other girls don’t like her.  Blakely hides in a corner and cries or ponders or something.

Awkward, thy name is Jenna.

The recurring theme and mood of the party is emotional bitches.  Shawn and Ben are having a moment and someone pops in looking for Blakely.  Ben goes looking for Blakely and finds her hiding with the luggage.  Then Ben finds crazy blogger Jenna crying in a bedroom.  This is the most depressing game of hide-and-seek ever.

The most depressing game of Hide-and-Seek ever.

Rose ceremony!

So I was rooting for Jenna last week, but her inability to form a coherent sentence has lost its charm.  Today we will be saying goodbye to two more women.  Roses 1, 2, and 3 are spoken for, so we start with rose #4, which goes to Jennifer.  Jenna already looks dejected.  Emily, Elyse, and Jaclyn get 5,6, and 7.  I have to take a moment to point out the ridiculousness of the courtyard in which they are holding the rose ceremony.  My husband describes it as the Jehovah stones from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” and almost every girl trips on her way to get the rose.  After an overly dramatic pause, rose #8 goes to Erica.  Rachel is next and Jenna is either cold or about to lose it.  Lindzi gets rose #10 and Nicki is #11.  Kasey S is #12 and Samantha is #13.  Monica is next and I think Jenna might stab her.  Jamie is #15 and we are down to our last rose which goes to …. Grandma’s girl Brittney.

So heading home are Jenna and Shawn.  Jenna is heartbroken and doesn’t believe this is happening.  She says she deserves love. Shawn leaves without comment and/or incident.  Interestingly enough, I kept thinking that nearly every girl was Shawn.  If you had seen the initial writing of this recap, I misidentified both Emily and Brittney as Shawn.  Now, maybe I can figure out who is who.  After the teasers for next week, they show a brilliant outtake where, as Ben and Kacie talk about how beautiful and idyllic Sonoma is, six police cars go by.  It’s actually pretty funny and will make a great story for them to tell their grandchildren.  But, we still have to watch his let go of some more of these bitches.  Til next week, my pretties.

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