The Bachelor: Silence of the Hams

Hello everyone! So in this week’s recap, BellaCucina and bBitz have taken over and done a splitsies. Alli recapped up to the cocktail party and bBitz did the photo-captions and the cocktail party and rose ceremony. So let’s get started on this Franken-fuck of a recap on the cluster-fuck of a show we love… “The Bachelor”!

Don’t jump! It’s not worth it! For the love of God let me make out with those arms first.

It’s another beautiful Monday night and the air is filled with the scent of ROSES!!!! Brad is on a serious quest as a changed man to find love in all the right places! This of course takes him and the ladies away from Las Vegas and straight to Costa Rica!!! I am not going to argue, it is absolutely a beautiful place to find love… and spiders that scare the crap out of one girl!

We begin with the girls descending upon the hotel property and finding Brad waiting for them.

If they’ve been lured there because this volcano requires a virgin sacrifice lest it erupt, they’re all decidedly fucked.

There are 8 girls left: Emily, Chantal, Jackie, Shawntel, Britt, Alli, Ashley and Michelle. Brad welcomes the ladies and gives them the first One on One date card. Alli is desperately hoping for it, as is Michelle- but Michelle wants it mainly because she is just plain crazy and wants Brad for herself. Low and behold the date goes to Chantal!!! Yay! This would be her second one on one date… yeah, a second date in Costa Rica- lucky bitch.

Yeah… I’d protect my throat too. Those girls are getting blood-thirsty.

Brad picks her up the next day and they take off in a helicopter- what is the crazy appeal of a helicopter ride? I get it the first time around, but at this point aren’t the girls just expecting it? If I were Brad in Costa Rica I would force those gals to hop onto an authentic chicken bus and have to ride with the locals.

Brad and Chantal go zip lining!! Haven’t we also seen that before? Anyway, it does look intense; their first line in the course is over ½ a mile long! Hope everyone went to the bathroom first. Just as they are about to embark on this magical ride across the rain forest it actually begins to rain! Can you believe it? I mean, since when does it rain in the rainforest??? Brad and Chantal are completely taken aback as it always seems to rain on their dates. Chantal has claimed it’s good luck, but I’ve heard the same thing about being sh*t on by a bird, and I am yet to have good luck from it. So they are forced to patiently wait out the rain and become completely aware of how “real” this date is. They imagine that this is what it will be like out in the “real” world on a “real” date…. Really?

They actually take off on the line while it is still raining (!!) and Brad ponders- “I wonder if that makes you go faster?” The conversation in this realistic date sure is amazing isn’t it?

This may be her first zip-line, but she’s certainly been in similar positions on dates.

After a perfect day of zip lining Brad has a beautiful dinner planned for Chantal only to be RAINED out again!!! Let’s just tell the other girls to pack it in because all of this rain in the rainforest is just too unbelievable. So Brad and Chantal retreat to his hotel bedroom, cue the porn music, and Chantal changes into Brad’s white button down shirt. I’m not kidding- it’s a man’s wet dream- literally!

And she looks amazing! And luckily for him, she’s totally a bottom.

Chantal walks out and Brad immediately gets so turned on he can barely look at her…and for some reason he has to excuse himself from the room…hmmmmm. When he returns he has changed his clothes too… did Brad get a little too excited from Chantal’s Risky Business look? Did he have to go rub one out really quick?

They proceed to step out onto the veranda (so much better than a balcony), and of course talk about how perfect their date was, how much fun they have together, and make out. At this point Brad admits he is concerned about Chantal being a little too dramatic and playing games with him. She assures him that she had just been going through a rough patch last week and that she is back on track.

I made a small correction.

Brad is so relieved by this he gives her a rose, and lets her know how much fun he has with her. Again, they had a perfect date. We get it.

The next day all of the girls are miffed by the fact that Chantal came home in Brad’s shirt and wonder what that’s all about. Ladies, let me tell you- they had sex!! Duh.

The group date is happening today and not all of the girls are happy about it. Namely Michelle, who for some reason wanted to be on this group dating show, but can’t stand to be on the group dates. She’s so crazy. Alli is not on the date and couldn’t be more thrilled because this means she gets the One on One date with Brad- her first one! She has been on 5 group dates, but never flown solo- I don’t think it is going to go well for her…

The group date begins and they all meet up at a waterfall to go repelling- UH OH- Michelle is going to have a fit because she forced Brad into a pact to “never repel with anyone else ever again!” It’s supposedly their thing. So her already sour face is even surlier the entire time. Now, what I don’t get is how anyone could be remotely attracted to this woman!? She’s a total Monet- Attractive from far away but up close it’s all a mess (thank you Cher from Clueless).

The girls begin repelling down and Jackie is the only one to have a major freak out.

This is the scariest thing you’ve ever done and you’re an artist living in NY? I would think it’s scarier fighting to the death over the last gluten-free, organic, non-fat bran muffin in the bathroom/kitchen that you share with 8 other roommates. No?

She is super scared, but Brad talks her through it, and telling her to just not look down. Meanwhile, mischievous and malicious Michelle tell Jackie to “look down” and then grins the most devilish evil Disney witch grin. What does Brad see in her? Or actually, I guess she does make for great TV so let’s hope he keeps her around a while. I would love to see her and Vienna vie for the same guy… that would definitely involve some kind of a catfight.

Michelle is last and is pissed. She instantly tells Brad how mad she is and proceeds to punch him a few times… cuckoo cuckoo… Brad takes this all in stride though and says he planned for her to go last so they could go together! Awwwww so cute, he kept their pact. Michelle immediately jumps into his arms and is happy. Her whirlwind of emotions doesn’t seem to bother Brad at all. He doesn’t see her as being dramatic, manipulative, or game playing. Which is one of the many reasons I think he is an idiot.

There’s the method to his madness!

The two of them repel down the waterfall together, leaving the other gals on the date wondering why they didn’t get the special attention!!! Brad quickly realizes that, oh my gosh, he has to pay special attention to all of the girls on a group date!!! NO way, really???

From the waterfall to the HOT TUB we go. Finally, I need a little alcohol and heat induced crazy to happen. All of the girls slink into the hot tub and show off their bodies (which by the way, no one is this fit, do these girls not eat? Do I need to take on an alcohol/hot tub diet to look like they do in a bikini??).

OHHH MYYYYY…

Yes. EXACTLY.

Brad then takes Jackie away who instantly gives him crap for choosing to repel down the waterfall with Michelle. Brad feels badly for a moment, but informs her that it was a promise he had made to Michelle, so of course Jackie understands. She says, “That makes sense.” I feel her days will now be numbered.

Brad and Emily float away and she is quick to let him know that she didn’t mean what she said in the last episode about sabotaging every relationship she has, it’s more like she just gets distant and pulls back. I’m sorry, but doesn’t that mean the same thing? Not to Brad who couldn’t be happier that he and Emily are on the same page, and that she addressed this concern of his right off the bat without him having to say anything! The honest fact of the matter is: Brad thinks she is ridiculously hot and doesn’t want to have any reason to send her home. It is absolutely clear that he has a huge crush on her, even though we have barely seen any romantic connection. Until now that is- finally they kiss!!!!! We have waited how long to see this? Hopefully now she will stop wearing her former fiancé’s engagement ring on her wedding finger- I would have thought that would be an issue on day 1! Regardless, I do love Emily too, she truly does seem to be Mother Theresa in a Barbie Doll’s body. Bitch. (bBitz sidenote: BellaCucina are you @!%! nuts?! This girl is a MINDFUCKER!!! And she’s doing a great job!)

When one of the girls FREAKS out over a bug, Brad and Michelle hear it and wonder what the hell is going on…

World’s worst witnesses to a crime… ever.

As the evening continues Michelle gives Brad more crap. Can I please ask everyone, what does he see in her? Everything she does is a huge manipulative move! And it’s so obvious! And she’s always shoving her face into his for a kiss- talk about aggressive!

At the end of the night, Brad is so put off and confused that he doesn’t hand out a rose. Most of the girls seem to be okay with this, confused, but okay. But not our resident psycho Michelle! She is so befuddled that she sneaks away in the night after all of the girls have returned, and goes to Brad’s hotel room to have a private talk with him. I half expected her to bring a boiled bunny with her saying she was room service.

Michelle proceeds to attack Brad with her arsenal of kisses, and then lists off for him who is going home next and in what order. She cannot for the life of her get over how much she hates Chantal and tries to tell Brad how wrong she is for him. You can tell in Brad’s eyes he is bothered by this… so finally she leaves, and Brad is left with a lot to think about.

Brad then has his one-on-one date with Alli who’s very similar to the product Alli – the only thing interesting about her is that she makes you look good but at the same time, she causes abdominal pains – from her excruciatingly dull conversation. Sure, her fear of spiders is always good entertainment, but that’s gonna get old after awhile – like 10 minutes from now. And there’s not a big enough supply of spiders in the world to keep her interesting.

Yes. And it’s called “Metaphor Island”. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

And that he does. Right after Alli says she wants to “hang forever” he tells her to hit the road sans road. Ouch. Meanwhile, all the girls gleefully run out to watch Alli’s shit get thrown out after her.

Then we have our resident psycho Michelle! She is so befuddled that she sneaks away in the night after all of the girls have returned, and goes to Brad’s hotel room to have a private talk with him. I half expected her to bring a boiled bunny with her saying she was room service.

Michelle proceeds to attack Brad with her arsenal of kisses, and then lists off for him who is going home next and in what order. She cannot for the life of her get over how much she hates Chantal and tries to tell Brad how wrong she is for him. You can tell in Brad’s eyes he is bothered by this… so finally she leaves, and Brad is left with a lot to think about. Which is the worst case scenario for a guy that good looking.

bBitz taking over!

At the cocktail party Brad says some things that lead the girls to believe that someone has said something to Brad that has put him in such a weird place. He says that he “hit a wall today”. OMG!!! He smacked Alli before she left?! Oh… he meant metaphorically speaking.

Brad says he’s trying to make this as “real” as possible. Oh? OK. Go ahead and turn that paycheck over and have the cameras turned off. No? Didn’t think so. Now shut the fuck up, choose the prettiest morons and take off your shirt.

Emily whines to Brad that she shouldn’t have said she’s a relationship-killer. Well, she’s surely not a boner-killer to him and that’s all that matters. The rose is yours.

Brad and Michelle have yet another “let’s argue like we’ve already been dating for years” conversation and and she caps it off by crying. He comforts her with the healing properties of his saliva. That’s it. Keep luring in the kill, cray cray.

Brad then spends time with Shawntel and hasn’t looked this uninterested since…well…15 minutes ago with Alli. I hope Shawntel packed her bags already. Though she may never leave if she continues never giving him a chance to speak. They play the “silent game” which she loses after kissing him. He wins the “silent” game but we all lose when she speaks.

The girls all get together to bitch about the mysterious girl that gave Brad shit about not giving out a rose on the group date. Suddenly Michelle appears and admits to it while the girls then play their own version of the “silent game”. Way to make friends Michelle.

BUT NOT AS CRAZY AS CHANTAL TELLING HIM SHE LOVES HIM! WHAT THE WHAT?! His response, “Thank you”. Awww… sew that shit on a pillow.

Finally it’s time for the rose ceremony! Brad’s very nervous and he announces the first rose… Ashley (Zzzzz….) then Emily (Mindfucker!!!) then Brit (Vanilla Spice) and then Chantal (“I WANT YOUR SEED!!!).

And the final rose goes to… MICHELLE!!! Oh for cripes sake. If he picks her, he gets what he deserves. He then walks Jackie (freshly banished) out to the car. Which I was REALLY hoping she had to zipline down to it (cue nervous breakdown) but unfortunately it was parked right there. Ugh. Zzzzzz….

And that’s it! Thanks for reading and hope we did it justice. Just kidding. This show’s a disaster. If I crapped on a piece of paper and faxed it to you it’d be doing it justice. What’d everyone think?! Which of these ladies is crazy enough to win the man? And which one’s going to lay waste to the continent when he doesn’t pick someone at the end?! Come on kids and dish it!