The Bachelor: Sloppy Seconds in Switzerland

The Bachelor week 8 starts with everyone getting ready to head to Switzerland where Ben will decide which of the three women he will propose to.  He’s worried about picking the wrong person, and with the dismissal of Kacie B and the continued gossip about who he does propose  to, I’d guess that he probably will.  As he flies in a decidedly plush section of the plane, he revisits his relationship with each of the women and we get visual flashbacks.  Nicki is “the dark horse,” while Lindzi rode in on one.  Both of the first two are described as warm, real, and down-to-Earth.  I can’t wait to see what he says about Courtney.  He says that Courtney is a little nerdy… yeah, that is not a word I’d use to describe Courtney.  They have chemistry, but he has concerns.  I’m sure we’ll hear more of her strange woman-child voice that Ben clearly finds appealing.

Overnight dates are here and Ben is excited about screwing at least one of the women and possibly all three, hence the reason he got rid of Kacie last week.

Yay!  I get to go first!

Nicki gets to be first and is mainly happy not to get sloppy seconds or thirds.  Another fucking helicopter shows up.  How is ABC affording all this?  At least it’s cold enough that we won’t be subjected to another leap from a helicopter into water.  Ben says that his relationship with Nicki is hitting new heights.

New heights or about to fall off a cliff?

All there writers for The Bachelor or does he come up with these gems all on his own?  Now that Nicki and Ben are face to face, they both recap the family date, which Ben kind of already recapped.  I guess this is how you make three dates last for two friggin hours.  Nicki can’t think about anything but spending her life with Ben, but should probably be reminded that there is still only a 33% chance that she actually will.  She should probably up her game and get naked at some point.  Ben tells the confessional that he hopes Nicki will say yes to an overnight.  Nicki makes a belabored comparison between the cliff they are standing on and their relationship.  Night falls and they head to a romantic dinner in a log cabin.  She tells him that she can see herself in San Francisco with him and look, she has a scrapbook.  I so wish that were true.  Ben talks about wanting a lot of kids.  And he wants to get started as soon as possible, so can they please have some “alone time” tonight.

“Nicki and Ben.  If you’d like to make babies, you can use this KY to get started right away.”

Nicki says she does not take the fantasy suite lightly, but she does say yes awfully quick.  It has been a whole year and a half since she separated from her husband and I’m not sure she’s gotten any in all that time.  There is a giant bubble bath and they wear their bathing suits or maybe their underwear for sexy tub time.  Can they really be this into each other?  Cause I am super bored.

Sexy tub time.

Date #2, or Lindzi gets sloppy seconds is next.  Lindzi is from Ocala and clearly has no idea how to dress for actual cold weather.

Girl clearly had no idea how cold Switzerland actually is.

Ben has discovered that Interlaken is an extreme sports capital, so let’s do something more exciting today.  Lindzi makes the obviously relationship connection about how they have to “be there for each other” and trust enough to take this step.  They kiss while suspended over a gorge and finally reach the bottom.  And just when you thought that Switzerland might mean a departure from hot tubs, here we go.

Sexy tub time #2.

Lindzi talks about the “ice queen melting,” and for a moment, both Ben and I think she’s talking about someone else.  To refresh your memory, Lindzi arrived on a fucking horse.  Not exactly ice queenish.  Ben notices she is softer and more open and hoping she accepts the overnight.

Really, a bowtie?  Might as well give Lindzi a wrist-corsage.

At dinner, Lindzi says vulnerable like three times in one minute.  Oh, there is four.  She wants to be completely open to Ben, so this is probably the best time to whip out that fantasy suite card.

Boom.  Called it. 

Lindzi says normally she wouldn’t normally spend the night with just anyone, but she’s happy to only be getting sloppy seconds to Courtney’s tacky thirds.

Is Lindzi wearing one of Ben’s shirts?  Yeah, they totally did it.

Date #3 brings Courtney and Ben together again which is “so exciting” for Courtney.  She feels like they are in a painting, but Ben is still concerned about the issues that the other women have told him she has.  Courtney seems to think that their life would be about traveling together, apparently forgetting that he runs a winery and has to spend a LOT of time doing that.  She tells us how she feels a little bad about how she treated the other girls and how she hopes that doesn’t ruin what she has going here. 

They picnic and Courtney talks to cows.

Foreshadowing!  He admits to seeing her “twist the knife” sometimes and how it was “pretty messed up,” but he doesn’t want to talk about it right now.  Courtney hopes the damage she did to the other girls, which she blames on her trust issues, hasn’t made Ben think he didn’t know her.  Ben says he likes the Courtney that he knows and it hurt him to hear those other things.  She seems to feel like she’s dodged a bullet, but I think that bullet might actually be a missile honing in on a target, and I’m pretty sure that missile’s name is Kacie.  They have a little moment here and Ben gives Courtney the fantasy suite card.

“You mean you STILL don’t think I’m crazy?”

Like there is ANY chance she won’t take it.  Since she basically tried to get him to spend the night with her twice, she’s finally getting her chance.  They make out in a hot tub under the stars and probably have sex during their overnight visit.

If Courtney wasn’t a robot, this is where she’d cry.

After the date with Courtney, Ben feels a lot better, but everyone’s favorite bachelorette knocks on the door.

Kacie is back!  At least for the moment.

You got it, it’s Kacie B.  She has come all of the way to Switzerland to tell Ben he made a mistake.  He knows he did and they run off together and have babies.  At least that’s what happened in my head.  Instead, they sit down and she asks him what happened because she didn’t see it coming.  Wow.  This is awkward.  Ben thinks they are just too different (i.e. her family hated him).  He assures her she didn’t do anything wrong (i.e. she would NOT have accepted the fantasy suite card and risk the shunning of her family).  There is a long bout of silence, after which she announces that the answers didn’t make it any better and she has to drop a bomb because she does love him.  Kacie takes this opportunity to tell him that Courtney will break his heart and she has reasons.  She brings up all of her “winning” talk and says it makes her sick to think of him being hurt if he picks Courtney.  Ben looks either stunned or pissed, it’s hard to tell which.  Kacie lies down on the floor in the hallway and tries to gather herself while Ben contemplates the info he’s received.

Kacie needs a minute, or a swift kick in the rear.

Ben thought he had made his decision, but he is now worried that he doesn’t know what the hell is going on anymore.  He sits down with Chris, who looks appropriately interested although you just know he’s wishing he had a more interesting bachelor.  Chris asks if Ben wants Kacie in the rose ceremony, but he thinks it would be too much.  So they recap the dates.  Chris asks where Ben’s head is and he says he doesn’t know.  So he stares at their pictures for a while and then out the window.  Sadly, there are no hummingbirds in Switzerland.

The final three.  One of these things is not like the other.

Rose ceremony time.  There are only two roses and Ben is confused.  He still questions Courtney’s motives, but there isn’t a lot of time left in the show.  He says he will be making the decision at the last moment.  The girls all smile, but look really nervous.  A bell tolls and he hands out the first rose to Lindzi. She’s showing the most cleavage, so that was a no-brainer.  And the final rose goes to… bell tolls… Courtney.

The final two.

Honestly, I thought Nicki would be gone a while ago.  Courtney makes the effort to show Ben she’s not a bad person and she hugs Nicki, who does not claw her eyes out.  Ben tells Nicki how much he likes her, but he was having doubts and that she deserves “everything.”  Nicki is afraid he will be hurt and I’m really wanting her to tell him to pick Lindzi, but he clearly doesn’t listen anyway.  She does say she hopes he will not get hurt.  Then she cries in the limo.

Lindzi’s hands are kind of mannish.

Next week we get to watch the women talk shit about each other and about Ben.  Yay.  Will they play the autotuned video of Courtney?  One can only hope.  I am still hoping against hope that he will pick Lindzi and she’ll dump his ass when she sees the skinny-dipping shenanigans.

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