The Bachelor: All Downhill From Here

“Lovely weather we’re having!”

This week is a big one on The Bachelor. Matt has to decide which girls he will be joining in their own hometowns to meet their families! There’s really no way of knowing who his favorites are because he’s played tonsil hockey with everyone and thinks they’re all “brilliant.” Maybe a rousing trip down the ski slopes will provide us with the answers we’re looking for. Let’s see, shall we?
Chris prances into the mansion this fine morning and there is a shocking lack of purple. I do see a couple of magenta splashes, but Matt’s favorite color is nowhere to be seen. Chris tells the girls that out of an entire nation of women dying to be Matt’s bride, they are the lucky final six. Not only that, but the four that he selects after this next round will be taking Matt to their hometowns to meet their families. This week there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date, but no roses up for grabs until the Big Ceremony. Next Chris points out that he neglected to bring a Date Box with him today, but that is only because the girls are leaving to join Matt in the snow in Sun Valley, Idaho. There are two words in that sentence that alarm me: snow and Idaho. Not fun. The girls obviously have another opinion because they all shriek and squeal and run away to pack.

“Idaho! It’s a dream come true!”

As if there were ever any question, Shayne lets us know that she skis really well. She may even teach Matt to snowboard. Then as she’s dragging all of her princess luggage to the front door she falls down the stairs. But not in a way that needs an ambulance so it’s pretty funny.

So we meet up with Matt over in Idaho and he says something inexplicable: he usually skis in France, but this tops it. Huh? Idaho tops France? No, Matt. No it does not. An SUV pulls up carrying the girls and they all hop out yelling “Wooooo!” Oh, shut up. Matt greets his harem and immediately starts chasing them through the snow and tackling them. Of course, each time a girl is tackled, she equates it with receiving an engagement ring. Marshana puts on a big show of running away from Matt and then when he picks her up to throw her in the snow she squeals and kicks her legs like she’s been crowned Miss America. She “complains” to the camera about how she didn’t want to mess up her cute snow outfit, but being picked up was sexy. Dream on, Marshana.

Matt deposits the girls in their cabin and breaks out some champagne for a toast. Before he leaves he announces that he’ll be back to pick up one super-lucky lady a little later. Then Shayne yells out, “Thank you, Matt!” Shayne, he’s along for the ride, just like you are. After a while a miniature sleigh knocks at the door and Marshana brings it in to discover who will be going on the first one-on-one. In slow motion Marshana opens the card and reads: “Come experience a private winter wonderland. Love, Matt.” Who is it for? Who is it for? The suspense is absolutely killing me! It’s for Chelsea, who decides that Idaho isn’t so bad after all. She’s never had a one-on-one date so this is her big chance.

After Chelsea leaves the girls sit around and discuss. Shayne says that she’s not jealous because she had an amazing date of her own with Matt. I actually have to hand it to Shayne for having a really good attitude through all this. She’s been very patient and generous about the whole stupid thing. Who’d have guessed? Noelle and Pouting Robin are the only two left who’ve never had a one-on-one date with Matt, so they are both on pins and needles to discover who gets the next date.

Matt and Chelsea climb aboard a life size sleigh pulled by two huge Clydesdales and Matt calls out “Tallyho!” to get them moving. Then as they lurch forward Matt spills hot tea in his lap. I can’t say he didn’t have that coming.

Doofus.

They have inane conversation during their ride – I can’t even bring myself to repeat it, but it’s basically just falling all over each other. Matt does, however, discover a red flag – Chelsea doesn’t like holding hands. Well, I guess she’s out. He has to base his decision on something, right?

Back at the Cabin of Desperation a cooler knocks at the door. It’s Date Box Number Two! Amanda runs out to get it and here is the note: “Amanda, Robin, Marshana and Shayne. Let’s hit the slopes. Love, Matt.” Of course, the important news here is that Noelle gets the other one-on-one date. Pouting Robin finally has something to pout about! Marshana can not contain her glee over Robin being denied the one-on-one. It’s quite obnoxious, but then, what isn’t obnoxious here?

British handwriting, or production assistant?

Over a candlelit dinner Matt tells Chelsea that he can’t stand her sense of humor. This is actually the second time he’s played this joke on her and she falls for it. Oh how funny! Matt is such a card! He’s still worried though, that Chelsea isn’t romantic. So what does Chelsea do? She launches into a speech about how romantic she can be. These girls and their speeches. But what’s this? Chelsea decides to follow her speech up with some action! She steps away and makes her own little “fantasy suite card,” which we usually wouldn’t see for a couple of episodes. Is she trying to sleep over at Matt’s cabin? She tells Matt she wants to get to know him “in other ways” and hands him the card. It says, “I would love to spend time alone with you. Can we make our own fantasy suite at your place?” Matt thanks her but says he can’t do that yet. Yeah right! He practically knocks the table over trying to get out of there with her. At his place they start kissing and then we see the door close on us. Oh darn, I really wanted to watch that.

It’s time for the big group ski date! Shayne and Robin opt for snowboards and the rest of the gang will be skiing. Matt tells us that skiing is one of his biggest passions and I just find that fascinating. As they begin, Robin tells us that her mission for the day is to discover why she didn’t get a one-on-one date. As Matt shows Amanda a thing or two about skiing he tells us how hot she looks in her ski gear. I still haven’t heard anything about Amanda except that she’s hot. Hot only gets you so far, Matt! Then life kicks in. Amanda translates Matt’s ski tips into him being a great future father. Oh Amanda, could you be any further off?

Marshana immediately complains that her ski boots are uncomfortable and then Matt gives her a little lesson as well. To us, Marshana complains that if she were a better skier she could have spent the time talking to Matt instead of just trying to stay upright. Wow, she’s upbeat.

“It was such a fun date!”

And at the cabin Chelsea brings Noelle a domed tray that serves as her date box. Under the dome is a mug of hot chocolate surrounded by snow. “Real snow!” exclaims Noelle. Guess what, Noelle. It’s real outside, too. See how much Matt cares about you? The card says: “Noelle, let’s warm up before we hit the ice. Love, Matt.” Goody!

Over on the ski lift Matt and Shayne are making out. Matt tells Shayne that her kisses are amazing. I have no idea if Shayne will be getting a hometown date so that Matt can meet her famous father – what do you think? Puh-lease. Shayne wipes out on her snowboard and then she and Matt sit in the snow while she pulls out a compact mirror and proceeds to touch up her makeup. Matt’s never seen anything quite so cute.

“Let me taste that lip gloss.”

They start rolling around in the snow when who should swoop up but Pouting Robin. She’s here to steal her man! She sends Shayne away and then plops down next to Matt to fulfill her day’s mission. She brings up the fact that she’s the only girl left who hasn’t had a one-on-one date and Matt assures her that it’s because he knows they’ve had such a great connection from the start that he didn’t need the one-on-one time with her to figure that out. Robin tells us that’s the answer she wanted to hear and she’ll be really surprised if she doesn’t get a rose. Oh, won’t we all.

Well, it wouldn’t be a day on the slopes if you didn’t run around in a bikini, would it? Next up the girls all change into practically nothing and sit in a giant hot tub with Matt. Amanda pulls Matt away for a little alone time and tells him that if he comes to her hometown he’ll have culture shock because her parents are rednecks. Matt thinks that’s pretty funny, but mostly he just wants to make out.

Amanda Hug-and-kiss

It’s finally time for Noelle to get her special date. Matt tells us that he really thinks there could be a connection with Noelle, but he needs to find out for sure. They head for an ice rink and I have to admit that this is actually a date I would be good at. I think I would actually blow the Bachelor away because at one point I was quite the little figure skater. Jealous, Noelle? Well, she should be and so should Matt because they both suck.

Aw, someone’s not the king of everything.

Matt starts prying into a car crash Noelle once had that apparently left her with some facial scarring. Matt thinks it’s destiny because he has facial scarring as well, although he won’t tell us why. Butt out of her traumatic past, Matt. But Noelle tells him that the experience made her appreciate life even more and she realizes she needs to be grateful for everything. That’s nice, I guess, but I can’t stop rolling my eyes. Matt is smitten with her depth. They make out.

And at the cabin the claws are being sharpened. Robin gloats to the girls that she and Matt had a “big discussion” about hometown dates, but that’s all she’s saying. Tell us more, Robin, please! Marshana says that she’s seen how Matt lives and now she wants him to see how she lives. Well! Robin takes serious exception to this because Marshana has never been to London! Marshana has no idea how British people live! Guess what, Robin. I’ve been to London and I know that they live a lot like we do. Again, he’s not from Somalia. Marshana clarifies that she knows how he lives because she’s seen him swim and play rugby. Okay, they’re both idiots. Robin starts saying that’s not his everyday life and out comes Marshana’s index finger.

“Walk off!”

She tells Robin to not be condescending because she “will not have it!” And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the beginning of the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history. Chelsea pipes in that she’s seen nothing but negative attitude from Marshana, and I have to agree that she hasn’t exactly been Little Mary Sunshine. Chelsea continues and here is Marshana’s response. “I will not have it! I will not have it! I will not have it! I will not have it!” My question for you, Marshana, is – will you have it? Chelsea gives up and starts to leave and here is where all hell breaks loose. Marshana keeps telling Chelsea off for bringing it up in the first place and then orders her out of the room. When Chelsea leaves Marshana follows, still shaking her finger and yelling. She just keeps yelling the same sentences over and over until Shayne steps in the middle to break it up. Marshana then gives us a precious little speech that just has to be quoted:

“The girls calling me a negative person is a shock to me. I am a great person. I am nice and friendly, I am loving, I am… so giving, I’m so thoughtful, I’m charitable, and I’m a great person. And no one can convince me otherwise.”

“Can’t you feel my beauty?”

Wow, I had no idea how lucky we were to be in the presence of such greatness, did you? I am shocked and awed. Back to Marshana screaming that she is who she is and she doesn’t care if no one likes it.

Ugh, are Matt and Noelle still on their date? What other pearls of romance do these two have in store for us? It looks like they have some chocolate fondue and that is about the most interesting thing in this scene.

It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Time! Chelsea is worried that Marshana is going to tattle to Matt about their argument in Sun Valley. Sure enough, Marshana puts on a sad puppy dog face and tells Matt that her character was viciously attacked. I don’t think guys care about hearing stuff like this, to be honest. What can Matt do about it? It just makes the girls look stupid. Matt tells Marshana that she’s here for a reason and he’s really impressed by her. For some reason that sounds like a let down speech to me. And here comes Chelsea. Marshana is bent out of shape that she and Matt didn’t get to kiss. You snooze, you lose, Marshana.

Chelsea is still trying to convince Matt of how much she wants to be here, so I guess her fantasy suite card wasn’t as powerful as she thought it would be. They make out anyway. Marshana complains to the other girls about Chelsea interrupting and Shayne tells her that everyone needs alone time and it was Chelsea’s turn. See what I mean about Shayne? She’s surprising me.

Here comes Robin. What will it be this time? They start snuggling in full view of the other girls and Noelle is convinced that Matt is really into Robin. When they kiss Shayne can hardly stand it. During her alone time Shayne tells Matt how hard this is because it’s so real to her. She tells him she wants him to meet her famous family because she wants them all to tell him how amazingly wonderful she is. Um, didn’t you just do that, Shayne? Matt tries to brush Shayne’s boob while she’s talking and I just have to call a foul on that one. Hands off, Matt! You can’t keep your tongue out of everyone’s mouth, but at least keep your hands to yourself.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Thank goodness, Chris is here. It’s finally over! Guess what. Matt is here to find the love of his life and it’s not going to be easy. Yeah, yeah. Matt thanks the girls and says how important family is, blah, blah, blah. Here are the roses: Shayne (I’m so surprised!), Noelle, Chelsea… Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. AMANDA! No! Robin is out? I don’t believe it, I really don’t. What about her British-ness? What about her tea maker?!?

Marshana tells us that she did everything she could possibly do. She got in a pool! There’s nothing left she could have done. Now she’s going home 100% the lady that she arrived. Not quite, dear. Ooh-hoo, Robin is pissed. She walks up to Matt and he tells her to take care. With her head down, she rolls her eyes up at him, says, “Bon soir!” and walks away. Well! Nothing like leaving gracefully. The part that really bothers me about this is that as she storms away, obviously hurt, Matt looks like he could care less. After all the fuss he made over her he’s almost amused at her exit. Maybe he just didn’t know what do to, but I think he’s mean. I mean, Robin’s no princess, but geez. Outside she bawls to us that it’s his loss and his mistake and she just can’t be here anymore! “$*#! him!” His loss, indeed.

Such a good sport.

Next week, Matt fulfills his dream of meeting Shayne’s dad, then he goes to Colorado with Chelsea, somewhere unknown with Noelle, and to Florida with Amanda, where her dad asks if they’ve been physically intimate, a scene which I’m sure will be edited out before it reaches our screens. Aren’t they always?

So! Can you believe that Robin got the British boot? We’ll never see her British-y parents and their famous tea maker!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta