“Time to leave my heart at Haight-Ashbury.”
Hello beloved readers! Since you guys are my bestest cyber friends, I wanted to tell you the big news. I got engaged this week! My bachelorette days are over (almost). My Bachelor days, however, appear to be never ending. We’ve got another doozy tonight!
Tonight on The Bachelor the remaining ladies have been consolidated onto one of the RVs to coast into San Francisco at each others’ throats. Did you know that Jake sending home four girls last week is really proving to Princess Tenley that he is dead serious about finding love? Mean Ali thinks she owns this leg of the journey since she lives in San Francisco. Jake tells us that next week are the Hometown Dates so this week he has to figure out whose parents he wants to meet. Meeting the parents takes the relationship to a whole new level, m’kay? Yes, especially a fake relationship that invades the parents’ home with a camera crew of 25.Wiener tells us about the hotel they’re staying in and why do I always get the feeling that her teeth are too big for her mouth and get in the way when she’s talking? Annoying.
“He’ll totally buy me a new car to crash. Or jet.”
There will be three one-on-one dates this week and one two-on-one – but no roses up for grabs. Why did Jake give me this information instead of Chris Harrison? I want a refund. Jake tosses a Date Card onto the table in the girls’ room and quickly leaves. It’s for Princess Tenley. “Let’s get our love on track in San Francisco.” Gee, do you think they’ll go on a trolley? I doubt it because this show isn’t big on obvious clichÃ©s.
Gia finger-shoots Princess Tenley in a jealous rage.
Just now Princess Tenley’s occupation flashes up and it says College Admissions. Riiiiiight. Unless she’s running the College of Freaky Body Contortions I call bogus. I guess this is the first one-on-one Princess Tenley has had, so she has a hot flash and threatens to go into cardiac arrest.
Were you aware that Princess Tenley has not had feelings for anyone since her ex-husband, but she has a lot of love to give? How many times are they going to prompt her to deliver that line in various interviews? She and Jake get a private “trolley” to ride around in that is actually a bus. It has rubber tires and does not run on a track, so there goes Jake’s clever Date Card.
Seconds before tumbling onto the street and being run over by three cabs.
What else are we being lied to about? Let’s see, Jake is not actually a pilot, he’s an actor. He really met Princess Tenley when he was working as Goofy at Tokyo Disney. And speaking of the Orient, the not-trolley drops our Disney Duo off in China Town. They try some suckling pig and then get to write their own fortunes for fortune cookies. Isn’t San Francisco the ideal place to fall in love? Apparently so because Jake tells us he’s falling for Princess Tenley.
Meanwhile a Date Card is arriving to make the girls mad. Corrie reads “Ali and Wiener: Come be the queens in my castle.” Mean Ali announces that she feels sick right now. Why would SHE, resident of San Francisco, be forced to share a date? Why?
“I’m taking my dollies and going home!”
Oh what’s this? Corrie was only joking! The date is really for Gia and Wiener. After Mean Ali profusely expresses her great relief, Wiener gets up to leave. She says she can’t believe how mean Mean Ali was at the last Rose Ceremony when she was so shocked that Wiener got a rose. Mean Ali goes, “That had nothing to do with YOU.” Okay, that’s enough of this. It obviously had EVERYTHING to do with Wiener. So much so that Mean Ali is planning a serious talk with Jake that he doesn’t expect.
Jake is taking Princess Tenley to dinner on the roof of something. A tower. He tells us that Princess Tenley is the girl he can most picture as his wife. Then he sits her down and wants to know what went wrong in her marriage. Hello? Are we on repeat here? Her husband cheated on her and she hasn’t had feelings for anyone since. But she still believes in love! Did I miss anything? She says that she should have paid more attention when her husband would come through the door. I can barely keep my eyes open here. Now what does Jake expect in a marriage? He wants his wife to always have his back, and he will always respect her in turn. Jake and Princess discover a mutual desire to be in love and married. Eureka! I bet if they searched the world over they’d be the only two people wanting those things. Also Princess Tenley wants to know if Jake plans to cheat on his wife. He tells her yes he does and then they kiss. They open the fortune cookies they wrote earlier and what do you know. Each of them wrote “kiss me” in the fortunes, so they get to kiss some more. Princess Tenley thinks she’s ready to fall in love again. Shocking.
“Breaking news: I haven’t kissed anyone since my ex.”
The next day a large trunk knocks on the hotel room door and it is full of clothes for Wiener and Gia to wear. Uh, why? I’m sure they both brought plenty of tacky clothing of their own. They’re taken in a car up to Castle Winery in Napa Valley – gee just like Gia’s other date.
Oh good, there’s a tower to lock Wiener in.
As they walk up the castle stairs Wiener tells us that she is her dad’s princess and now she’s Jake’s queen. That sounds very mature. They all drink some wine and Gia feels like the third wheel due to Jake and Wiener’s awesome connection. Mean Ali is back at the hotel fretting that Wiener might tell Jake about how mean she is. And sure enough, Wiener is telling Jake all about the last Rose Ceremony and how mean Ali was to her. Jake is like, “My choices, my choices, blah blah.” Gia is spectating, so finally Jake takes her for some alone time. Wiener thinks she’s sitting pretty because Jake only pays attention to Gia when the two of them are alone, but he pays attention to Wiener all the time. Yes that could mean he likes you, Wiener, or it could mean you’re an attention whore.
Gia tells Jake how haaaaard it is dating him when other girls are too. And she was dismayed to learn that Jake puts all of the girls’ legs in his lap and not just hers. Jake assures her that he’s into her because she’s kind and sweet. Oh and gorgeous, lest we forget. He tells her he’s falling for her and they have an all-the-way kiss. Or five. With tongue.
“But I’m the only girl you tongue kiss, right?”
Uh oh, here comes Wiener searching through the castle hallways by lantern light.
She’s being led to the poisonous spindle.
When she finally finds them they have unlocked their tongues and Jake takes Wiener outside to a patio and puts her legs on his lap. LOL. Jake wants to know how Wiener pictures married life. Oh this should be good. She says she wants to be like little six-year-old kids in love every day. You know, a fantasy. Oh plus she hates seeing him with the other girls and she doesn’t want to share him anymore.
Oh look, Mean Ali is retrieving a Date Card. It’s for Corrie. “Love is a walk in the park. -Jake.” Corrie is excited to show Jake her fun side and yadda yadda.
Jake takes Gia and Wiener to their bed chambers and bids them goodnight. Then he goes to his bed chamber and immediately takes off his shirt. Wiener is determined to be the last girl Jake kisses at night so she ventures back out into the winding castle corridors to track Jake down once again. She finds him and proposes a toast and it’s meant to be all awkward and out of place, but luckily the cameras and lighting were set up just perfectly to capture this moment. Jake says it’s awkward, Wiener says it’s awkward. Everyone is awkward and it’s back to bed for Wiener. Good job following your stage directions.
Jake registers “awkward.”
The next morning Corrie meets up with Jake for their walk in the park. We get this long shot of them running toward each other in an open meadow and then embracing and twirling passionately. More good stage direction.
It’s been YEARS!
They board a tiny rowboat equipped with a picnic basket to row through a pond and Corrie seriously asks if there are alligators. Seriously. Yes, you’ve just been transported to a swamp where they send people unaided to row around through alligator infested waters… with picnics. There are lots of ducks not being eaten by alligators. Jake stops rowing for a minute and sits really close to Corrie in her face. But then neither of them are willing to actually make a kiss happen. What retards. Jake finally gives up and breaks out the picnic basket.
The last Date Card arrives for Mean Ali. “I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city.” Mean Ali is stoked to show Jake where she has brunch.
Back at the park, Jake takes Corrie into a deserted museum (is there any other kind on this show?) to wander around and look at plants. And look, there’s a little private dinner table set up for them, who would have guessed? Jake wants to know why Corrie is moving so darn slowly in this relationship. For pete’s sake, Wiener was crawling into bed with him last night. What gives? Jake asks Corrie how she pictures their engagement and she tells him that she’d live in his city but maintain her own residence. Want to know why? Corrie is saving herself for marriage. Huge gasp here. What? I mean good for her. It’s just funny when she’s up against someone like Wiener. Jake says he totally respects that and has no problem with it. Oh I’m sure you don’t Jake. Corrie anchors her faith in her virtue. And that’s always a scandal in Bachelor Land. Jake finally gets up the gumption to kiss her. That’s five for five.
And that’s all Jake’s going to get. Even on the overnighters.
And the final date goes to Mean Ali who is all ready to take Jake to brunch in her sundress. Her date leads right into the Rose Ceremony so there’s super added extra pressure. They start strolling around Mean Ali’s neighborhood and upon passing a flower stand Jake spontaneously decides to buy Mean Ali some flowers. She tells us that she’s walked past this flower stand so many times wishing someone would buy her flowers, so it’s a huge sign that Jake did.
“Stop filming me. I just want my privacy!”
Ah, time for brunch. Mean Ali tells Jake that she checks her email on Sunday mornings, how earth shattering. Also if she is to get a hometown date it will be in Massachusetts where she grew up with her not-picture-perfect family. Jake warns us that he has some tough questions for Mean Ali about what Wiener told him. Don’t worry Jake, she’s planning a talking to you’re not expecting. They stroll along a path where Ali goes running and I’m seriously drifting off. Then Jake tells us that before the date is over he really needs to find out about what went down at the last Rose Ceremony but that will come later… again. They make out on some grass and still nothing interesting. They sit on a wall and pop some champagne and finally Jake asks about the Rose Ceremony. Here’s your big chance, Ali! Tell him all about how he couldn’t possibly like you and Wiener at the same time! Say it! She’s very vague, talking about wanting Jake to be happy and Jake offers to answer specific questions. But suddenly Mean Ali doesn’t have any. She says maybe later she’d like to have a chat about Wiener, but Jake says that now will be a good time. Ooooh, now Mean Ali thinks Jake should just do what he feels is right and she’s ready to let go of her disapproval. Way to lay down the law, Ali. Thanks for all the build up to nothing! WEAK!!! Then we get more of this:
Does Jake have a saddle around his hips or what?
It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! In case you forgot, next week are the hometown dates so it’s very important to get a rose tonight. I guess Mean Ali ran out of yellow dresses because she’s sitting around in black and white. Hmm, this may hurt her chances of a rose. Princess Tenley gets alone time and tells Jake it’s hard to know he’s going out with other girls. I wonder if there will be even ONE interesting thing tonight. They randomly dance.
Corrie is next and she tells us that just because she’s a virgin doesn’t mean she’s not in touch with her sensual side. Who cares? Jake reassures her that it’s okay that she’s a virgin because this isn’t about sex appeal it’s about heart appeal. Anchor your faith, Jake.
Gia goes for alone time and tells Jake that he passed a test when he sent Wiener out of his room that night at the castle. Wiener’s turn! Her hair is very unfortunate right now.
“My gray eyeshadow never fails!”
But Jake takes her to his room anyway and tells her that he doesn’t mind at all that she came to his room the other night. Also he really appreciates Wiener’s strength. He’s just going to let his heart go and see where it lands. I bet I know – on the wings of love!!! Here is Chris tapping the glass. Nice to see you doing something this episode, Chris.
Oh geez, Chris wants to rehash the episode with Jake. I’m opting not to take part in this. Jake is ready to break up with someone and it’s breaking his heart. Chris comes out and reminds us that next week will be the hometown dates. Thanks Chris, I totally forgot. Here’s Jake with a “broken heart.” Roses: Princess Tenley, Mean Ali, G-G-G-Gia! Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Wiener! Later, Corrie.
Jake is all teary as he walks Corrie out and he tells her he just can’t get with a girl who won’t sleep with him. Also she took way too long to open up. She just wishes him luck and climbs into her Ride of Shame. She tells us she doesn’t get it, but maybe she put a wall up.
Corrie shares my reaction to this episode.
Or maybe this is a huge joke, Corrie. Don’t sweat it. Guess what – Next week are the hometown dates!
And next week – hometown dates! I’m so glad this show isn’t repetitive. I’m sure those hometown dates will be boring. Oh and the tables are turned and there’s no Rose Ceremony. See you then!
So what do you think? Are any of these girls anything but boring, boring, boring? Or is that just perfect for Jake?
Thanks for reading!