The Bachelor: Bland Ambition

[Contintuing coverage of The Bachelor is jadedbitch]

I missed the first five minutes of Elimidate, The Fifth Wheel, Blind Date, The Bachelor but I’m sure it was all recap material anyhow. This show loves dem recaps!

We join the show as it zooms in on the first one-on-one date of the season, featuring Megan, a quiet Southern girl who last week claimed whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and who now admits to going to a party school. This confused Charlie – was she the quiet virginal type or the whorey girls gone wild kind? Not only that, but for this private date, Megan has chosen to dye her hair from brunette to blonde! All you folks out there who have noticed Charlie’s taste for blondes must’ve been communicating somehow with Meg here, as she brought in Caesar, apparently one of Manhattan’s top hairdressers, to spruce up her look.As Megan left for her date with her new found hair, the rest of the girls chimed in with,”It’s not really blonde!” They called it reddish, frosted, highlighted, but definitely not blonde. One blonde even perked up and said, “She’s not blonde at all! She doesn’t even have a walking cane or seeing-eye dog!”

Before:

After:

The two went to a steakhouse, so that Megan could practise putting slabs of meat in her mouth. Charlie asked if she would’ve liked anyone that had walked through the door, and not necessarily him. “That’s not true, Jerry!”she purred seductively, eyeing the rose on the table. Ah yes, there was a rose to be given away at this date. This was something new this season. If Charlie decides he likes her, he would give her the rose. If not, sayonara! Whoever was going on a one-on-one date had to pack their bags and be ready to leave, should they not get the rose.

“What you see is what you get,” Megan assured Charlie, as she flipped her newly dyed hair, pursed her collagen-injected lips, and batted her false eyelashes. In the end, she was denied the rose. “I feel like a loser!”she sobbed to the camera later. Well, you didn’t get the rose, so I guess technically, you are! Here are the game rules: make it to the end of the show = winner; get eliminated before the end of the show = LOSER.

The next one-on-one date was with Hilary Duff’s doppleganger wannabe, Sarah W. otherwise affectionately known as Sarah Dub. These two took the New York water taxi over to a brewery. During the ride, Charlie kept yelling out, “I don’t want to blow it!” Funnily enough, Sarah Dub also said that as he tried pushing her head towards his lap. During their date, Charlie talked a bit about his brother, actor Jerry O’Connell. “My brother lives above me, separate apartments,” he clarified. Actually Charlie, your brother has somewhat of an acting career whereas you do not, therefore you resort to reality dating shows and freeloading off of Jerry’s Tomcats royalties. Something must’ve clicked for him on this date as he decided to give Sarah Dub the rose, cementing her seat for this week’s rose ceremony along with the hatred from the other girls. Sarah Dub actually decided to throw the rose far away, which meant across the room, to prove that she didn’t really care about the rose.

So Yesterday:

Meanwhile, back on Wisteria Lane, the girls left behind decided to have a pj party complete with sushi and re-enactments of one another. Oh those crazy gals! When Sarah Dub returned, she was greeted with a less than enthusastic welcome wagon. Apparently, they were hoping she’d go the way of Megan, having already moved her belongings to the street below.

The next day brought on a group date with everyone else, at a pool party. Hey, what better excuse to take off your clothes and prance around?? It’s not like you can just do that ANY OLD TIME, right? More on this later.

As Operation Flirt (as Charlie called it) was in progress, it was sourly noted by single mom Kara, that Charlie and Krisily were making a connection. “He probably doesn’t want to date me cause I’m a single mom,” pouted Kara. “I shouldn’t have told him I’m a single mom. Being a single mom sucks, I wish I never had YOU, you BRAT!” she screamed into the camera. Actually that’s not entirely true. She did however, come off as annoying as that P.O.W. over on the Amazing Race. “This pool party reminds me of the time when I was a single mom…”

At the end of the date however, single mom Kara had some alone time with Charlie where she talked about how she got pregnant at a young age, how the father of her child ran out on her, and basically how she is a SINGLE MOM! This elicited either affection or pity in Charlie, as he bestowed on Kara, a single rose. Yes, a single rose for the single mom. Did we mention she has a kid?

Back to the apartment we go, much to the gals’ chagrin, as guess who was perched on the sofa knitting away? None other than Sarah Dub! The girls felt that it was unfair to have Sarah Dub there since she already had a one-on-one date with Charlie, and this was supposed to be THEIR time with him.

Kimberly from Deadmonton, Alberta decided to bring it up a level (or down a level, depending on how you view it.) We now revisit the whole “you can’t take your clothes off unless there’s a pool party in session” logic. Emerging from the bedroom, she had changed into her skank-ware, which consisted of a bra and a towel. Blame Canada. Kimberly, you were supposed to leave those flotation devices at the pool! Oh wait… This tactic did garner some alone time with the Bachelor, however. During their private lapdance conversation, she revealed to him that her family owned the best Ukranian restaurant in Canada. Is that so, Kimberely? Why is it then, that I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF IT? And also, if said restaurant is located in Deadmonton of all places, it’s highly unlikely it’s the best one in all of Canada. Perhaps it was her promise of perogies or the gaunch that was on display, either or, she got a rose.

Out in the living room, the girls ganged up on Sarah Dub for knitting all the time and not socializing with them. Hmm, do I want to eat sushi and make fun of people or sit around and knit something? It’s a toughie, I tell ya. “This situation has happened to me my entire life!” bemoaned Sarah Dub. What situation is that? People telling you to stop knitting?? Well for Chrissakes, grab a clue then! Put those freaking needles DOWN!

Oh, not that situation. What she meant was, she’s always been too pretty and that caused people to be mean to her. Ah, now we get ya. THAT situation. Oh yeah, I hate it when that happens. She then received an invite from fired apprentice Audrey, who wanted to form a “We’re Too Pretty so People are Mean to Us” club.

Sarah Dub, like, ran to like, Charlie for some like, comfort or something, and like, it was because of the bitchfest with the rest of the household, like, you know? She stuttered her way through the conversation, uttering “like” about a hundred times. She then changed it up a bit with a couple of you know‘s and whatever‘s.

At the dreaded Rose Ceremony, Krisily was the first to speak out, saying she wasn’t there to make friends. Kerry, the oldest of the bunch, at a whopping 32 years old, called Krisily the instigator of all the drama that has taken place. Kindle chimed in saying that the most competitive thing amongst girls is love and guys. And here I thought it was the wedding dress sale at Filene’s.

Receving a rose were Anitra, Jenny, Kindle, the other Sarah (who looks unfortunately like Caroline Rhea), and Krisily. Deflowered were Gina Marie, Carrie, and Kerry, who noted that Krisily was white trash and that she was just white. Meanwhile at home, last week’s rejectee Kyshwan noted that Kerry was white and got to stay on for one episode longer than herself.

Next week: Kara reveals her big secret – she’s a single mom!!