The Bachelor: Falling Hard for The Bachelor

Who’s ready to crash land?

This week on The Bachelor Brad has some tough decisions ahead of him. There are several girls who can definitely see themselves falling in love, and Brad has the most difficult Rose Ceremony yet. Then we see the most dramatic exit ever when Hillary loses her mind – and that is a quote from Chris Harrison. Let’s do it!Well Chris is back in the living room to tell the girls that this week is huge because the girls who survive will be taking Brad home to meet their families. There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date, but no roses up for grabs until the Big Ceremony. He leaves behind a picnic basket that Psycho Hillary jumps up to tear open. Much to her dismay, it’s a one-on-one date for Divorced Bettina (the used car). Call me psychic, but I bet it involves a picnic. “Let’s have a romantic evening on the water. – Brad.” Bettina pulls out a gondolier hat and Kristy tells her that when riding in a gondola you have to kiss your partner each time you go under a bridge. Bettina puts a flower behind her ear and the other girls just stare at her quietly. She goes, “Okay,” and turns away awkwardly. DeAnna tells us that Bettina is totally working her mysterious angle. Psycho Hillary tells the girls that she thinks Brad and Bettina have strong physical chemistry and Perky Jenni just nods drowsily. What, no tumbling today, Jenni?

“I’m a Phoenix Suns dancer.”

Brad is on his way over and he tells us that Bettina has the potential to be everything he’s looking for because she’s beautiful and smart. Smart? Let’s not get crazy, Brad. He wants to see if she can just relax around him tonight and he’s really hoping that he’ll get a chance to kiss her. For all her wise words on marriage last week, Bettina is acting pretty silly, telling us that every time she sees Brad she falls more and more in love with him. She’s torn though, because she was always taught that girls should play hard to get and you have to be pretty careful with that when you’re on The Bachelor. There’s a fine line between hard to get and not interested – especially when there’s a gang of other girls throwing themselves at Brad’s feet. They sit down to a dock picnic next to the predicted gondola and Bettina thanks Brad for being so patient with her while she has gone on this journey. She says that she has a lot of faith and that he’s made things easier for her. This is reminding me of Tessa from last season. The aloof string-along. It worked for Tessa, so hey, go for it, Bettina.

Back home Date Box #2 arrives and DeAnna stands to dramatically read the card. It’s the group date and the invitees are Perky Jenni, Psycho Hillary, DeAnna, and Kristy. “Come to my house for a pool party!” A pool party? Lame. We’ve already had a beach party. I guess they do this every season so I shouldn’t be surprised, but still, what a buzzkill. Everybody screams insanely except for Kristy, who is already planning how much fun she will not have. Sheena is ecstatic to realize she gets the other one-on-one date.

“Yipee! Another chance to show Brad my fun side!”

Meanwhile on the dock, Brad asks Bettina if she has dated a lot since the big divorce. She says she has a little and admits that she’s terrible at dating – an obvious prompt for Brad to tell her how much fun she is on dates. Bettina launches into her divorce speech, saying she’s not proud of it because it means she failed in her marriage, but she didn’t want to go through life just being okay – she wants to go through life with everything being spectacular. Oh, I have an idea how you can ensure that happens, Bettina – get engaged to a guy you just met named Brad. She says that she’s thankful for her past experiences because she learned so much about herself so quickly. Ah, the upside of divorce, the big learning moment. Brad says that he just wants to hug her to make sure she’s okay. That’s knight in shining armor syndrome. He tells her that she’s drop dead gorgeous and beautiful. Well, at least he’s concentrating on what will contribute to a lasting marriage. Bettina grabs Brad’s face and asks if he’s real. What? For saying she’s pretty? Maybe these two are a perfect match.

At home the girls have decided to get into the hot tub and talk some trash. They decide that Bettina is just viewing this as a competition to see who can cross the finish line first. Interesting, that’s exactly what Bettina said about Perky Jenni last week. Oh ladies, when will you realize? This is a competition. It’s a race for true love! Whoever wins will be blissfully happy for the rest of eternity, so you’d better get stretching and ready to run!

Brad and Bettina have embarked on their gondola ride now and Bettina has gone into awkward uncomfortable mode. She keeps taking deep breaths and tells Brad she’s nervous. Brad says he wants to meet someone with whom everything will just magically work out: “done deal, best friends, true love, done.” Well, miracle of miracles, that’s exactly what Bettina wants too! What?! It’s meant to be! They both want a fairy tale happy ending! What are the chances? Bettina confessionals that she knows it’s moving slowly, but at least it’s moving and now she has to show him more. To that end, she leans over and quickly pecks Brad’s cheek as they go under a bridge. What a grand gesture! I wonder if he’ll propose right now. She explains that it’s because of the bridge, so he returns the peck. This is so awkward, did I mention that yet? Brad tells us that he really wanted to kiss Bettina tonight, but he is such a hero that he is going to let her take all the time she needs to show him who she really is.

“I wonder if he’s picking up on my signals…”

Bright and early the next morning, the unlucky group date girls head over to Brad’s house for the sure-to-be-stupid pool party. Of course they’re excited to see Brad topless and of course Kristy announces that she’s not a pool person. Is Kristy an anything person? Besides boring? Seriously, there hasn’t been a date yet that she’s been enthusiastic about. Immediately upon arrival, the girls and Brad jump headlong into the pool while Kristy stations herself in a dry spot off to the side. There are games of chicken and diving onto the Slip ‘n Slide – all the while Kristy just sits or screams “No!” when prompted to join in. I can’t say I’d be terribly comfortable bouncing around in a bikini either, but she’s being downright antisocial. Or as Brad says, refined.

Fish out of water!

Hillary comes to the camera to showcase just what a classy lady she is. She says, “I would let him ravish me anytime. I would want him to…” and then we have nothing but five minutes of bleep. It’s not even Morse code, it’s just one long continuous bleep. The parts where her mouth isn’t blurred it looks like she’s talking about taking off clothes and spanking, and she wraps the whole elegant speech up by saying, “Who wouldn’t want that?” My question, psycho, is who wouldn’t want you? I mean, you do realize you just said all that into a camera, right?

Hillary’s Vagina Monologue

Next she mounts a raft with Brad and tells him she gets so excited every time she sees him. Yeah, we just got an earful of bleep on that topic, Brad. It’s true. She tells him that he’s everything she’s looking for and then asks him to straight up tell her how he’s feeling about her right now. Brad tells her she’s amazing, beautiful, sweet, fun, blah, blah blah. But then he tells us that there aren’t any romantic feelings with Hillary. He tells her he’s worried that they may be too good of friends and it’s tough. Wow, that’s pretty clear, Hillary. The F word – friends. Undaunted, Hillary tells us that she is certain there is chemistry between them and she’s glad he’s so comfortable around her. Okay, so she’s just hearing what she wants to. Psychos tend to do that.

At home Sheena’s Date Box arrives in the shape of a little treasure box. The note says, “Tonight many treasures await you. -Brad.” There are white opera gloves and a clutch purse in the box. She puts the gloves on and wonders to Bettina what she’s supposed to wear. Bettina tells us that Sheena is way too young right now for marriage or even the idea of it. Oh Bettina, people who live in glass houses…

As the dumb frivolity continues at the pool party, Brad decides to take DeAnna away for some alone time. They sit on a double lounger thing and both say they’ve been thinking about each other. Brad gives an ever-popular line, “However everything is supposed to work out, it will.” Wow, is he a philosopher? He turns around to see what the other girls are doing and they are all lined up on lounge chairs a little ways behind them watching intently. When he turns around Psycho Hillary gives a hyperactive wave. Brad and DeAnna are both mad because they want to kiss, but not in front of their little audience, so they just sit there elbowing each other. Brad finally hugs her and then throws his head back and grabs his face in frustration. Um, you guys could walk away, hello? Instead they just rejoin the group kissless. Aw, too bad. Better take that pent up aggression out on someone else, Brad.

“Blast those other girls and their eyesight!”

Brad asks to steal Jenni next and she jumps up giggling. They stroll away out of sight and everyone knows what that means. Sure enough, they climb into a hammock right near the water and start making out. DeAnna is really disappointed and Hillary is really upset and starts bordering on nervous breakdown territory. She babbles tearfully to the camera, saying, “Why isn’t that not me?” Nice grammar, Hillary. I think you’re done. Jenni returns all smug and Brad toasts to everyone following their hearts. And hormones. He frets to the camera about how hard this all is. I guess Kristy doesn’t get any alone time today because she’s been such a party pooper.

Later Brad is on his way to collect Sheena and he is really excited because he hasn’t had any alone time with her yet, but even more importantly, he’s excited because Chad really liked Sheena. That trumps everything. He tells us that tonight’s date is very over the top. Remember? Treasures. Sheena goes into baby talk when he arrives and her voice is like three octaves higher than normal. The other girls watch angrily as Brad and Sheena greet each other and head off for their evening of treasure hunting. In the limo Sheena says she’s stumped as to what the evening will bring because Brad is in flip flops and jeans. Brad won’t give her any clues.

They arrive at some random house and Brad opens the door to reveal an empty room with a fireplace and six evening gowns on mannequins.

An inch away from a couture inferno.

Sheena goes, “Oh my gosh!” in this voice that seriously sounds like a little old granny cartoon. Really weird. Anyway, she gets to pick a gown and she says that she’s drawn to the white, but maybe she should save the white, hint, hint. What, you’re not going to come twirling out in it to show him what a pretty bride you’d be? She decides to try a couple of them on and then surprise Brad. He gets all changed into a tuxedo. Did he get to pick from six guy mannequins all dressed up? And now Sheena slowly descends a staircase in a dark pink gown, all giggly and happy. She tells us it was straight out of a fairy tale to see him waiting for her at the bottom like that. And just as she reaches the last couple of steps… yep, she bites it. Down she goes! Awesome.

Thump!

She actually handles it really well, popping back up and saying, “See? Did I not say that was going to happen?” They both laugh and hug, aw good times. She tells us that she was really embarrassed and hopes she didn’t completely blow it. How fantastic would that be if Brad seriously sent her home for slipping? “Sorry, I’m looking for someone with better footing.” That would be classic.

Anyway, they head outside to a patio that is totally covered in white balloons with a little dinner table set up in the middle. Sheena does the cartoon voice again. She goes on and on about walking on clouds and being in a dream. Yeah, it’s called television, Sheena. They sit down at the table and Sheena wins when Brad pulls out a little box containing fat diamond earrings. Ding! She gets to keep them. Who’s laughing now, Hillary? Sheena keeps thanking Brad even though ABC bought the diamonds. He keeps telling her how beautiful she is. I keep thinking this would be an awkward date with someone you don’t really know. With a boyfriend it would be amazing, but with a guy you just met, how weird would it be to receive lavish gifts and pretend there is a future together? Actually, the diamonds would make up for that, never mind.

“Yes, I’ll have your babies.”

Brad wants to know why Sheena is single. Brad, she’s 23. You’re 11 years older than she is, so she’s probably not as marriage-frantic as you are at the moment. Sheena says she’s incredibly picky and shy. But even though she doesn’t know much about Brad she feels very at-ease with him. Brad brings up how much Chad liked Sheena and Sheena thanks her lucky stars that she mentioned the patch of hair by Brad’s ear and teared up nicely for Chad. Brad promises there is nothing fake about him and tells Sheena how happy he is that she’s here. He tells us that he is so glad Chad noticed Sheena because she’s solid, meaning she’s beautiful and has everything any guy would want, and would make a great wife to any guy. Uh oh. Any guy? What about you Brad?

It’s time for yet another surprise and a string trio starts playing some music for Brad and Sheena to slow dance to. As they sway by the pool Sheena tells Brad he’s a good dancer and Brad tells Sheena she’s beautiful. Okay, okay, she’s beautiful, we get it. He also loves that she’s always smiling. I bet those earrings helped with that, Brad. They finally start kissing, and it’s actually pretty sweet, upright, fully-clothed kissing. Much more tasteful than DeAnna’s tongue fest in the hot tub last week. It’s all overwhelmingly romantic, but also very contrived. My stomach is hurting from sugar shock.

When Sheena gets home Perky Jenni and Divorced Bettina are waiting to hear what happened. Sheena models her dress and shows off her earrings and both of the other girls are clearly miffed. Bettina even says that Sheena’s date is so much better than the one she had with Brad. She goes, “Our date sucked, it was so boring. I have to go back to bed. Goodnight.” Well! Someone is sour grapes for getting treated to an earring-free gondola ride. Naturally Jenni and Sheena whisper that they would have loved the gondola ride because any time with Brad is precious and obviously Bettina isn’t here for the right reasons. Oh, obviously.

“You got diamonds? I’m going home!”

As Brad arrives for the Pre-Rose-Ceremony Party, he tells us that he’s kind of freaking out. It seems like just yesterday he was meeting all 25 bachelorettes and now suddenly there are only six left! OMG, how time flies when you are systematically choosing a spouse! Sheena is hanging out in her new diamond earrings and when Brad compliments them, Bettina rolls her eyes. Guess what. Sheena is “definitely falling for Brad.” She takes him outside and sits him down to thank him again for their date and then whips out a poem she wrote on a piece of ripped-out spiral notebook paper. It’s sweet, but it’s really the kind of poem you’d write in fifth grade. Like here’s the last part:

So cheers to the sweetest guy I know and good luck in this journey to come.
I hope I get to stick around, ’cause I know we’d have lots of fun.

Brad of course, didn’t go too much further than the fifth grade so he’s completely “taken back” by this gesture. He asks if he can keep it so she folds it back up into the shape of a treasure box and hands it to him. They reprise their date by slow dancing to no music next to the swimming pool while the other girls look on seething.

DeAnna is up next and Brad tells her she looks beautiful, to which she responds, “My butt looks good in this, too.” Oh DeAnna, how you’ve disappointed me since the early days. Brad asks if her feelings are sincere in this process and DeAnna gives a speech about how she likes feeling her heart pound and that this is very exciting. They are sad that they didn’t get to kiss in front of everyone the other day, so they have a mini make out session. DeAnna pulls away and says she can’t stop smiling. Oh brother. She tells us that she has found the most perfect thing that she’s ever had in her entire life. A television role? A guy who is kissing five other girls?

Inside Jenni is getting ready to corner Bettina and call her out for not having fun on her date with Brad. Jenni says it’s been bothering her all day and there is no way she would ever say anything like that about time spent with Brad. Oh Jenni, find something else to worry about, like your portfolio. Bettina laughs it off and very unconvincingly says she was only joking. Um, no you weren’t. Jenni says she hopes that Bettina didn’t really mean it. Right here I notice that Jenni always talks like she is addressing a group of pre-schoolers. In fact, she tells the camera in the same nursery school teacher voice that Bettina has a different personality when she’s with Brad than when she’s with the girls. What do you mean, Jenni? Could you please talk a little more slowly and in a higher pitch so that I can follow?

“I love Brad more and I’m more deserving.”

Speak of the she-devil, it’s Bettina’s turn for alone time and Brad tells her that their date was perfect, to which Bettina responds that she totally agrees. Lies! She says she was really relaxed and comfortable, which is not the way I remember it at all. Then she gives yet another awkward speech – this time about her feelings on becoming intimate with Brad. She says that she knows it will be fabulous and she really wants to kiss him and have his hands on her. Eeew, that is so uncomfortable to watch! Can’t you girls control yourselves with the sex talk? Sheesh! Brad says he’s really happy to hear that Bettina wants to get some, but that he doesn’t expect anything from her except to be herself. Bettina says she feels stronger for Brad than she ever has in her life. Next!

Hillary is up and Brad tells us that he tried to tell her at the pool party that they are just friends and he wants to tell her again, but that she doesn’t listen to a word he says. True, she just misconstrues it into love talk. I wish Hillary would have put on a little more white eye shadow. Brad tells Hillary that he wants to be honest, he’s glad they’re good friends, he doesn’t get nervous around her, and what they have is different. We know he’s trying to let her down easy, but she takes all this to mean that she is his one and only. When he asks how she feels, she says that she knows not only are they best friends, but they can be lovers and Brad would be a great husband. Brad’s like, oh crap, it didn’t work. Hillary leaves the conversation perfectly confident that she and Brad will be married and she tells us how much she loves the white dress she is wearing and hopes it will make Brad think of a wedding dress. Poor Psycho Hillary.

Chris has arrived to tap the glass and take Brad away to deliberate. Brad says this is really hard on him and he feels sad tonight. We all do, Brad. Chris reminds us that the four getting roses tonight will be taking Brad home to meet their families, and the other two are out of luck. Brad comes out to talk about how excited he is to meet some families and that he feels something for all of them, but here we go. DeAnna, Perky Jenni, Sheena… Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Divorced Bettina! Uh oh, Hillary is starting to lose it as Jenni rubs her back and buries her nose into her flower.

We don’t get to see Kristy’s farewell speech because we are focused in on Hillary making the traditional teary exit, but as soon as she gets outside she goes to pieces. Aw, Brad is visibly upset when he sends Hillary off, which shows he has a lot more decency than other Bachelors. They could usually care less – especially at this point. Hillary starts hyperventilating, bending over and saying she can’t breathe. Her dress can’t be helping. Her boobs are almost completely popped out in the front and in the back the zipper can’t even get all the way up. She starts talking about everything happening for a reason, but then it escalates until she is yelling about how she doesn’t understand how Brad could say such nice things to her one day and then send her off the next. We flash back inside where Brad is pacing back and forth in front of the four finalists and you can hear the faint echo of Hillary’s shrieking from outside. He hands his champagne to Jenni and runs outside to Hillary. That’s nice. He hugs her and asks if she’s okay, to which she sobs, “N-ho! I’m n-hot! Why are you sending me home? I just want to know why!” Gasp, gasp.

“I want to know whaaaaaaaaaay!”

Brad explains for the third time that he really thinks they are good friends as opposed to a romantic match. Hillary keeps sobbing about wanting to take him home and all of her sincere feelings, boo, hoo hoo! Brad apologizes several times and tells Hillary she’s one in a million – a million friends that is, and then he lets go and walks back inside. Hillary’s final words are that it sucks to be known as “the friend.” Oh, that is so true. I’m sorry for you, crazy girl. That really does suck.

Inside Brad toasts to families and we are on are way to the hometown dates!

Oops, not yet. Hillary is still going outside. Now she’s talking about how she wanted her dad to be proud of her. Huh? That makes no sense at all. Like what, now her dad won’t be proud of her? Does anyone have a valium for this girl? And I’ll tell you what should worry her as far as her dad being proud – that bleeped out speech she gave earlier. She wasn’t so worried about what her parents were thinking then, was she?

“Now I’ll never get my allowance!”

Next week Jenni has an entire stage to herself, heaven help us, Sheena’s mom is a little crazy, and Bettina’s family isn’t buying Brad’s good guy image. Should be good!

What did you think about this week’s dates? I’m excited to hear from you!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta