Welcome back to The Bachelor! Here we are in St. Lucia, which, just like San Francisco, is the perfect place to fall in love according to Jake. He goes over who he’s got left with us.
“I brought my Big Boy outfit to the tropics!”
First there’s Gia, who he mostly just thought was hot until they played spin the bottle and he realized she was also kinda fun. They are also compatible grammatically as Jake tells us, “Gia and I’s chemistry is just electric.” Next is Tenley. At first all Jake knew about Tenley is that her husband cheated on her. Now he knows that her husband cheated on her BUT she’s ready for love again and has her whole heart to give. Third is Wiener who started out as super bold and risky, but she was ultra comforting when Jake was crapping his pants trying to bungee jump. She’s sort of immature, but if Jake marries her they can mature together! Sounds like a foolproof plan.
Then there’s the issue of Mean Ali. Jake wonders if Mean Ali is happy now and thinks it was worth it to leave the show. Speak of the devil, we immediately flash to “San Francisco” where Mean Ali is inexplicably in a hotel room instead of her apartment, and on the nightstand beside her are two 8 x 10 glossies of Jake-As-The-Bachelor! Wow, this is totally spontaneous and non-staged!
“How’d those get there?”
She tells us that ever since she left the show she’s really missed being in front of the cameras, so she contacted the producers to tell them that she made a huge mistake, has a broken heart, and wants another shot at Jake. We then get some b-roll of Mean Ali moping around San Francisco with no love in her life to speak of. She’s back, everyone! It’s another unexpected twist!
Jake’s first Fantasy Date is with Gia, who sneaks up behind him and totally surprises him as he waits for her on a mountain somewhere. They both do their ridiculous giggles and it’s sort of awkward as Jake just keeps saying how beautiful she is. They get in a tiny rowboat to sail across the bay to a St. Lucian market where the locals shop and Jake philosophizes that you have to be able to travel with someone or the relationship is doomed. That’s totally deep, Jake.
Poor people yacht.
They wander around buying fruit and looking at souvenirs and I have to mention that Gia is wearing WAY too short cut-off jorts. We GET it, Gia. You’re a model. She then comments that the natives are all hanging out. Ya think? They DO live here. Jake watches Gia groove to the local drummers and he says that he loves that she can be there in her thousand dollar shoes and still appreciate the poor of the world. Get a grip, Jake. She’s on an all-expense paid Fantasy vacation, not a Habitat for Humanity mission. Jake also does his part to support the poor by buying Gia a heart necklace, which she vows to never take off of her wrist – the poor don’t make good enough necklaces for Gia so she turned it into a bracelet.
“You’re kidding right? I’m not wearing this!”
Jake says he’s ready to take a leap of faith so they run and jump off of a dock into the ocean and make out. They’ve never done THAT before on this show… oh wait. Gia’s falling in love with Jake and wants them both to say it by the end of the date. He’s under contract to NOT say it, Gia, so just calm down.
Time for Fantasy Dinner! Gia is in a sparkly mini dress and tiara while Jake is in a golf shirt and khakis. They sit down to a table on the beach and Gia keeps telling us about how badly she’s been hurt in the past and that she wants Jake to reassure her somehow that it’s not going to happen again. Jake just keeps telling Gia how hot she is and that he’s surprised that she also has a personality. Gia says she wants to know more about Jake so he goes ahead and tells her what a nice guy he is, always putting others before himself and being certain that he’ll take care of his girlfriend whether she takes care of him or not. Gia is surprised and impressed to learn that Jake knows that he wants to get married because most guys don’t know what they want.
They snuggle in a hammock and Jake goes back to telling her how hot she was when she first got out of the limo. Enough already. She’s a MODEL. She doesn’t need any more reinforcement on her looks.
“Gia’s hotness must mean I’m hot too.”
Jake whips out the Fantasy card and of course Gia agrees to spend the night with him and she tells us she’s ready to “go all the way.” Remember, though, she uses that term loosely. She really wants to tell Jake she’s in love with him. Oh sick, they get in the bathtub and make out. Jake tells us AGAIN how he can’t believe he is with this hot girl. Of course Jake can see himself proposing to her. We leave them here, thank goodness!
Nice necklace, Mary.
Princess Tenley’s turn! She’s dropped off in a field where Jake tells her he’s going to take her flying to show her his passion. They go in a helicopter. This is not Jake’s passion, this is the show’s passion. I don’t see him taking the wheel here.
“If I really thought you had a chance, I would’ve gotten a plane.”
They land in a plantation to have a picnic and Princess Tenley launches into her speech about lost love. Is she under the impression that she is the only person to have ever had a broken heart? This is not a unique experience. In fact, I would venture to say that NOT having ever had a broken heart would be unusual. So can she please shut her trap about her freaking divorce? It’s so boring! Also, her voice is on my last nerve. What is up with the permanent baby voice? She wants to know how Jake would pursue her in the real world and of course he uses the airline as bait – they can go anywhere at a moment’s notice! He also reprises his “wonderful husband” speech for Princess.
They take a little walk down to the ocean, then strip down to their bathing suits and step into the water. No leap of faith this time, I guess, but the same water make out nonetheless. Lots of kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. Princess Tenley wants to know she can trust Jake with her heart before she takes a leap of faith. Ah, there’s the leap of faith.
“See how empty my finger is without a wedding ring?”
Fantasy Dinner time! Princess Tenley lets us in on a little secret: her ex-husband is the only man she’s ever been with. Surely she must grow embarrassed of repeating this so many thousands of times. Are there any other aspects to your life, loser? They sit at a little table by the pool at a hotel and talk about how much fun they had today and how at ease they are with each other. Princess thanks Jake for giving her this opportunity despite her divorced past. I wish Jake would just get rid of her, but I have the feeling he enjoys being the knight in shining armor too much. In fact, recalling Princess Tenley’s Dance of the Retards on her hometown date, Jake asks her to dance right here.
“My ex-husband NEVER asked me to dance!”
Princess Tenley says she wants to dance with Jake forever. These two kiss a lot. Jake pulls out the Fantasy Card and Princess reminds us she’s only been with one man and doesn’t know what to expect. But she accepts!
This Fantasy Suite has a private pool so in they go! Princess Tenley tells Jake that tonight is very special because she wouldn’t bang just anyone – she’s only been with her ex, did Jake know that? Jake says he appreciates her morals, but could she please take her clothes off? They make out for a year in the pool and Jake says Princess Tenley would be an amazing wife. I bet I can find at least one person who would disagree with you Jake… and he’s the only other man she’s been with, did you know?
And finally we are on to Wiener’s Fantasy. Jake meets her at a dock and tells her they will be spending the day on the pirate ship from Pirates of the Caribbean.
Just don’t let Wiener drive the boat.
Wiener tells us she’s never been in love before but she’s falling in love now. They go on the boat and they both just sit there giggling. Then they do some gross thing where they lick each others’ faces. As they sail away, an instrumental version of On The Wings of Love swells. All these two do is lie on the bow and make out. Wow, I hope Jake is getting his fill. What a greedy pig. They fire off a cannon and climb up the rigging, which scares the crap out of Jake, by the way. Okay Jake is pretty unbearable on this date. He tells us how he loves hanging out with Wiener because they can just relax and act like children – which he totally does. He puts a skull bandanna on his head, talks in a pirate voice and smacks her on the butt with plastic sword, all the while chuckling to himself. What an imbecile. Then he shoves her off the plank into the water. I hate him. Wiener squeals and giggles. I guess that was her leap of faith.
“Argh. Nice butt, wench! Aren’t I hilarious?”
We are then made to believe that these two idiots swam all the way to shore from about a mile out. Yeah right. More kissing in the sand… for a looooooong time. But tonight Jake wants to make sure that his attraction to Wiener is more than just physical. News flash, Jake. It’s not.
Fantasy Dinner time! This dinner will take place in a gazebo and tonight Wiener is nervous because of the two other girls on the island. Wiener wants kids eventually, but she’s totally ready to get married (again) right now. Jake asks what Wiener wants out of marriage. Deja vu? Wiener is looking for a life partner she can have fun with, how original and revealing. Jake asks Wiener what kind of engagement ring she’d like. Well, this is a first. She wants a thin band, princess cut diamond with bling on the band. Great. Wiener asks if Jake can see her as his wife and he says yes, but there are two other women here he’s also in love with. This information makes for a sad, sad Wiener.
“Fine then, I just want a round diamond.”
But she braces up and tells Jake him that she thinks about him all the time and has fallen in love with him. Jake’s all, “You’re in love with me?” Wasn’t that your whole plan, Mr. Cheesy Shoes? He sees this as an opportunity for more kissing then he pulls out the Fantasy Card. Was there every any doubt that Wiener would go headlong into the Fantasy Suite?
There’s no pool in this suite, but Wiener has a surprise of her own. She says she wants to show Jake that she is elegant and that this is something he can keep forever. She comes out in a white slip thing. It’s better than Jillian’s long-sleeved nightshirt, but I swear, these girls have no shame. Right on camera, there she is in her lingerie.
Jake is overcome by Wiener’s immense sexiness and Wiener is SURE she’s in love because she’s never felt this way before. Then she closes the door on us. Bummer. We hear Jake say he’s crazy about her.
Some morning later Jake is washing up back in his own hotel room pondering over this horrible decision he has to make… when the phone rings. Oh my land, who could this be? Why it’s Mean Ali! All set up with her own camera crew somewhere! Seriously, this broad has GOT to get out of here. I can’t take watching her try to cry anymore. She tells Jake she’s a mess, she made the wrong choice and she wants to come back. Jake does his best impression of being puzzled and Mean Ali continues her speech, saying she regretted it the moment the car pulled away.
“Chris told me he will NOT write out another Fantasy Card.”
Jake says she left with a piece of his heart, but this last week has been critical. Mean Ali wants to go back to where they left off, but Jake can’t decide what to do. Ali resorts to begging Jake to let her come back, my gosh, have some dignity, ho. She tells him her feelings are even stronger now than when she left. We go back and forth for a few more minutes and Jake finally says he has to go with his heart and tell her to take off. Mean Ali sits there with her face looking like she wants to cry but she just can’t make it happen.
Method Acting: Remember when your boyfriend slept with your roommate.
When Jake hangs up he first puts the phone on the nightstand, then slowly places it onto the cradle, then pats it with his hand. Oh the DRAMA. The pre-planned, contrived, scripted DRAMA! Hang up the phone, moron.
Now back to the show. Jake is so in love with all three of the girls he slept with. How will he choose? Oh, how will he choose? What if he sends the wrong girl home? Well, Chris Harrison wants to sit down with Jake and rehash every single date. I hate how Jake describes every date like it was some kind of test he set up to find out something about each girl. As if it was his idea. It’s all very insulting to women in general. Let’s move on, shall we?
Oh great, each girl has made Jake a video message. What stupid things will they say? Princess Tenley goes first and talks about having her heart broken and learning to love again. She can’t wait to travel the world with Jake and have babies. She wants the fairy tale ending and she’s in love. Gia! She talks about how far they’ve come and how they grow every time they spend time together. She’s falling in love with him and she hopes they have more time to grow. Just add water. G-G-G-Gia! Wiener comes on and goes “Hi Sweetheart.” She shows such ownership already. She knew right when she stepped out of the limo that Jake was the man for her. She wants to wake up in his arms for the rest of her life. She’s in love with him and can’t wait to be his wife. He’s everything to her. Okay, those were painful. I hope all three of these twits are embarrassed watching those.
Jake comes outside and thanks each girl for sleeping with him and says he’s in love with all three of them. But he’s kicking one out anyway.
They’ve now all shared bodily fluid. Sisters!
First rose goes to… Princess Tenley. And the second and final rose goes to… Wiener! Poor Gia Pet. She gave it all away for nothing. Jake sits her down on a bench to tell her that he just has stronger feelings for the other women. Gia is actually very gracious. She’s very calm and even complimentary to Princess and Wiener. She tells Jake it’s okay, she understands and he doesn’t need to be sorry. Jake puts her into the limo and during her Ride of Shame she says she doesn’t understand. LOL.
“I feel like the junior high nerd all over again.”
And she’s still wearing Jake’s heart on her wrist. Awwww. Jake is sticking to his story of loving Gia and says he hopes she finds a guy who treats her right. Shut up, Jake.
He goes back to Princess and Wiener and tells them that next they get to meet his family. Oh, would this be the family of brilliant doctors we’ve heard about?
We won’t find out next week because next week is the Women Tell Nothing! I doubt there will be anything interesting because all the interesting parts will be edited out. I probably won’t do a recap because even if there’s something interesting it will probably amount to less than a paragraph. If necessary I will include in the finale recap. In two weeks!
So what are you guys thinking? That this is the lamest season EVAH? Do tell me your thoughts!
Thanks for reading!