Who will be Jason’s beautiful bride?
Tonight on The Bachelor there are only two words you need to remember: Seattle and Ty. Got that? Good. Let’s go!
Chris Harrison heads over to the Mansion of Desperation to wake the girls up at around noon. He reminds the girls that Jason didn’t give out the final rose at the last Rose Ceremony because he didn’t want to lead anybody on and therefore they should thank their lucky stars that Jason has deemed each of them worthy to still be sleeping until 2 PM in the mansion. This week there will be one group date and two VERY ROMANTIC one-on-one dates, but no roses on any of the dates so we all just have to hold our breath until the rose ceremony. Also, EVERYTHING is about to change. All of the girls will now be leaving the Mansion of Desperation. Gasp! Whisper! What could this possibly mean?
It looks so sad deserted.
Well, it means that everyone is going to Seattle, the most precious city on earth because it is hometown to the most precious guy on earth, our Bachelor, Jason. Scream! Woohoo! We are the most fortunate girls to ever live! Everyone scurries off to pack their crap. Do you know what else this all means? The. Girls. Are. Going. To. Meet. TY. Scream and faint.
Speaking of Ty, he is hanging around with Jason’s nerdy sister-in-law, Leslie, waiting for his dad to show up from who knows where. There is much gratuitous toddler embracing and Jason says that his favorite thing about Seattle is Ty.
Aaaaaaaaaaaawwww what a fantastic guy! Jason seems to be living in the house where Sleepless in Seattle was filmed in order to add a bit of ambience to the situation. No way is this his actual house.
The girls are not so lucky as to be staying on a movie set and as their limo pulls up to a hotel there are deafening screams all around because Jason happens to be standing there. As they enter their deluxe hotel suite the girls decide that Seattle is great and they could for sure live there. Hmm, how about not seeing the sun for nine months? How does that sit with y’all? Or is Jason so dazzling that he will replace the light of the sun and no one will miss it one little bit?
Down to business! Jason announces that Melissa will be going on the first date and it will be tonight! She screams and hops over to smother him in her jubilation.
Jason leaves Melissa to read her date card to the other girls and it says, “Let’s hit the town in style. -J.” Naomi is all kinds of pissed because she is the only one who hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet, so wouldn’t it have made sense for Jason to invite her out first? Apparently not so much.
“%#@! the Cowboys.”
Melissa puts on a black dress that has this weird thing going between her boobs that looks like a silver snake. Whatever. Ty is busy picking something equally inappropriate for Jason to wear. Jason tells us that the date will include a romantic dinner at the Space Needle, a helicopter ride, and a waterfall. A helicopter ride? Where do they keep coming up with these new and original ideas? Well it seems that this going-out-on-a-date shenanigan isn’t sitting well with Ty and he starts whining and begging Jason not to go.
Over at the hotel Melissa and her silver snake are beginning to worry that they’ve been stood up. Jason is a half-hour late and no one has heard a peep – not even the production staff, mind you. Clearly Jason has tired of Melissa and wants nothing more to do with her. Oops, not just yet. He calls and tells her that Ty is having a tantrum, so instead of taking her out he’d like to invite her over to his house to just hang out. As she scurries off to change into her “stretchy pants” the other girls have a meltdown because this means that Melissa will be meeting Ty tonight. After all, Ty is the most important thing in Jason’s life and meeting him first will obviously give Melissa a tremendous advantage. I love how the little boy is suddenly the equivalent of a big fat rose. Melissa hops into her waiting Rolls Royce – still in her snake dress. Nothing’s too good for Ty.
When she arrives at the Sleepless in Seattle house Melissa is entranced by the adorability that is Ty’s toys all over the floor and plates of half-eaten pizza on the table. She happily steps into the role of maid – I mean mom – and starts cleaning up Ty’s mess and doing dishes. Fun! By the way, Jason is busy putting Ty to bed and we haven’t seen him yet.
Upstairs Ty is having a hard time settling down and going to sleep. I can’t imagine why. What kind of little brat can’t sleep with 600 watts of light shining in his face and a boom mic three inches above his head while 12 people mill around his bedroom asking his dad to turn to the left or repeat that last line? Jason very wisely explains to us that being a single dad is different because sometimes date nights have to fall through. Wow, that is so enlightening! I would never have had any idea!
Downstairs Melissa’s snake has gotten bored playing housekeeper and decides to pour a couple glasses of wine to dull the boredom.
And you thought I was kidding.
When Jason at last emerges the heroic father, Melissa decides now is the time to change into her stretchy pants. Not the whole time she was cleaning or twiddling her thumbs, but now. On second thought, this way Jason gets to see her in the snake dress. Well played, Melissa. The stretchy pants are actually booty shorts, as Jason is thrilled to discover. He tells us that whether Melissa is wearing a silver snake or hot pants, she always looks beautiful. How romantic. And now Jason announces that he’s not ready just yet for anyone to actually meet Prince Ty, but if Melissa is very good, she can tiptoe upstairs and look at him while he sleeps until Jason counts to five, then time’s up. Melissa tells us that as she and Jason gazed at Ty she felt what it would be like to be a stepmommy and she almost loses it. Are we serious here? Fast forward six months to Ty screaming in poopy pants and pulling Melissa’s hair while he kicks her in the shins for asking him to take one bite of his fish sticks. Sweet, isn’t it?
Back at the hotel the girls are still all fired up about Melissa’s lucky break getting to meet Ty tonight. They lament that it’s like a knife in all their hearts and they can’t even believe how jealous they feel. It just goes to prove that they are all ready to be moms, obviously.
If you’re this mad now, just wait until Ty steals your credit cards
and takes your car for a joyride.
Jason and Melissa discuss the endless possibilities in store if Melissa wins a hometown date. She tells him that outside of her apartment there is a park bench and a big screen TV that shows sporting events and she likes to go out there sometimes with a cooler and watch the games. Jason is enamored because this proves that Melissa can appreciate the little things. I am so lost right now. What does this prove? That she can sit outside and eat? I give up. They make out.
The next morning – or afternoon, who can tell with these girls? – a date card arrives and Melissa does the honors: “Stephanie, Jillian and Molly – open your heart because love is in the air.” They all look at each other trying to decode the message, then Melissa goes, “Oops, I mean love is ON the air.” The important news, of course, is who is NOT on the card and that is Naomi who will finally be getting her blasted one-on-one date, sheesh.
The girls meet up with Jason on a boat and Jason tells us that they will be taking a tour of Seattle. This is highly crucial because if one of the girls doesn’t love Seattle she is history. As they set off, they pass the actual house that was used in the filming of Sleepless in Seattle. I guess ABC couldn’t cough up enough dough for the real thing, but they sure found a close second for Jason to play host in. Stephanie gets alone time first and Jason takes her up to the steering wheel of the boat so that they can discuss important matters like the Space Needle. Also about how much Stephanie misses Sophia. The most amusing thing is watching Stephanie try to furrow her botoxed brow.
Later Jason takes the girls to a radio station where apparently the DJ’s are going to help him figure some things out. First only Jason gets to go on-air and the girls have to sit in a holding tank where they can watch but not listen. After about 10 seconds the girls are drowning in their own drool from watching the miracle that is Jason sit and answer questions. Interesting twist: Melissa and Naomi are in the hotel room listening adamantly to the radio. Hmm, I wonder how they knew about this. What a coincidence! The DJ’s ask Jason what has been the most fun date so far and he tells them that the most amazing date was the glorious day he himself planned for Stephanie and her daughter at Legoland – isn’t he a wonder? Naomi and Melissa cringe. Jason is sure to point out that he cried at Stephanie and Sophia’s reunion on the beach. The DJ’s want to know who the best kisser is and after a guilty moment Jason says Molly.
“Can they see my lips moving in there?”
In the holding tank Molly’s nose is against the glass and she seems to have picked up signs of Jason uttering a word that may be her name so she gets very excited. Naomi and Melissa try not to cry.
Now the DJ’s come up with a super fun plan to blindfold Jason and have each of the girls come in and kiss him to see if he can tell who he’s kissing. Oh boy, is there a more painful way to emotionally torture a girl? Meanwhile Jason looks like a muppet because the blindfold they’ve selected is actually a bright purple feather boa (that Jason actually probably brought along himself).
“Wait, is it on straight?”
Jillian is first and she doesn’t do anything special, but then Stephanie comes up and first kisses both of his hands and then his mouth – dead giveaway, the mom kiss. Molly tells us that her trademark is grabbing Jason’s face before she kisses him. Wow Molly, no one’s ever done that in the history of kissing. No shocker, Jason guesses all three correctly. Next question! The DJ’s want to know what each girl is like in the bedroom. Must we? Must we really? Fine. Molly just loves to wear lingerie, Jillian likes to giggle and Stephanie wants to make sure her man is taken care of. Hold on while I puke.
Enough of the radio show. Next Jason takes the girls to a restaurant for everyone to share a big dinner. Jason tells us that since arriving in Seattle something has changed about Jillian. Red Alert! Does someone not like Seattle? Is someone just begging for a plane ticket home? He takes her aside to discuss. Jillian says that she came on The Bachelor to do something fun, meet a nice guy and some nice girls. She had no idea that she would have such deep feelings for Jason and it’s really stressing her oat. Jason tells Jillian that he thinks she expects to feel passion 24/7 and he wonders if her expectations are too high. What a funny question this early on in a fake relationship.
“What do you mean, too high?”
Jillian assures him that no, her expectations are not too high and that she’s not looking for perfection, just a special feeling. They kiss and talk about Jillian’s Canadian family – whom we MAY get to meet next week if Jillian is that lucky.
And over at the hotel Naomi is receiving her date card. It says “Don’t look down, you might fall… in love. -J.” Oh, careful Naomi, you might fall in love. Well now it’s Melissa’s turn to be jealous even though she was The Chosen One to peek at Ty while he was sleeping. Geez nothing is enough for some people.
Back at the family style dinner Jason decides to take Molly for some alone time to see what she’s thinking. They go for a walk around nighttime Seattle. (“There’s the aquarium.” “Is it really?”) Yeah, riveting subject matter. Jillian is having a breakdown with her glass of wine while she frets over Jason talking to Molly.
Stephanie is actually scowling.
And Molly, meanwhile is spilling to Jason about an ex-boyfriend whom her parents did not like. She announces that she will NEVER, NEVER date someone her family doesn’t like… again. No pressure for your hometown date with Molly, Jason. But guess what. They’ll play beer pong, so that makes it all better. They make out and Molly’s pretty sure she’s got this in the bag. She even wonders why Jason is still wasting the other girls’ time. It’s not just their time, Molly. It’s also America’s time.
The next day on his way to meet Naomi, Jason tells us that he needs to figure out if Naomi is ready for his big, mysterious, complicated life. Ah, the eternal question. Can she be a stepmom? And more importantly, will she like Seattle? In order to find out they hop aboard a sea plane. This looks suspiciously like a helicopter to me, so I will not allow the producers to claim anything like coming up with an original idea here.
The other girls gather around a phone at the hotel and call Stephanie’s little girl Sophia, just to remind us that Stephanie, like Jason, is a single parent. The other girls being interested in the phone call tells us that they are mature enough to be moms. Stephanie tells us that she likes Naomi, but Naomi isn’t as mature as the other girls and therefore not ready to be a mom and therefore not a good match for Jason.
Elsewhere in Seattle Jason and Naomi have landed and moved on to the next phase of their date, which is climbing a rock wall inside a sporting goods store. I guess this is the part where Naomi might fall… IN LOVE! While they hang in their harnesses they decide to smooch a bit, which Jason dubs “an extreme kiss.” Oh he kills me. The wit. The wonder. The Jason.
Money shot, Naomi.
Naomi wants to know what Jason is looking for in a wife and he gives his spiel about needing someone who can adopt his entire life and not just understand his life, but LOVE him for his life. Get over yourself, Jason. I get that you have a son, but this would actually be another person’s life you are talking about. Relationships go both ways. Come to think of it, this is the same song and dance all of the Bachelors give. I am looking for a girl who will slide seamlessly into my life and have no complaints. Never mind that grown adults have formed lives of their own and relationships are about fitting into EACH OTHER’S lives, not just adding an accessory to your own. Well at the moment Naomi doesn’t think she cares and she is ready right now to skin Jason and wear him – that’s how much she loves his life.
There’s a huge fireplace somewhere in the sporting goods store – and why not? – so Jason and Naomi go to have a snuggle in front of it. Mmm, fondue. Jason wants to know about Naomi’s family and she launches into a sad story about how her mom fell out of love with her dad and left the family. Wow, bummer. THEN she says that the older she gets, the more of her mom she sees in herself. Naomi, are you insane? You’re telling this to a guy with a child? She goes on to say that she can totally picture her life, including her cooking and having family Christmases. Yes, that is just about all that life entails, Naomi. She tells us that today she climbed a wall, and walls came down! Yes Naomi, but did you fall… IN LOVE?
Bright and early the next afternoon the girls are sitting around chattering about Jason, of course, when the doorbell rings. It’s the man himself, sending everyone into a flurry. It turns out that Jason is here to take Jillian out for an outing because he’s worried that of all the girls, she could be the one to break his heart. In case you’ve forgotten, DeAnna broke his heart last season and he really doesn’t want to have to go through that again. They discuss how strong Jillian has been through all of this and Jillian promises that she will eventually show her more vulnerable side, but it has to be on her terms. Snore.
Later Jason is still fret-fret-fretting over who will be sent home and who will be rewarded with a hometown date. Luckily Chris Harrison shows up to help Jason think things through. They sit down on the patio and literally recap what we’ve just seen. If you’d like to know more about this conversation, go back to the beginning of this recap and start over. I’m moving along.
Does a heterosexual man actually need all of this foliage in his home?
There will be no Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party tonight. What is sure to be mentioned at least 50 times, however, is just how much Jason is struggling with this decision. He just can’t seem to determine which girl will give him the least amount of trouble sliding into his fabulous life. Jason strolls out and makes a speech, but instead of awarding the roses, he says that he still has some questions for one of them and takes Naomi out into the hall to talk. The other four girls are each positive that they will be the one sent home tonight, so they huddle up to whine and comfort each other.
Jason basically wants more reassurance from Naomi that she won’t struggle while being immersed into the life that is Jason. Will she just take it calmly and quietly, or will Jason be getting some back talk? Naomi promises that she is totally over being single, she can’t wait to be a mom, and she wants to become the wallpaper in Jason’s kitchen, so please, please, PLEASE don’t send her home. Jason’s like, “Okay, quiet down.”
Back at the lineup I notice that Jason is wearing some odd combination of purple on purple on purple. What is it with that color and this show?
“Did I choose the right shade of purple for this purple purple?”
Anyway, he’s finally ready to give out roses, and here’s how it goes: Jillian, Melissa, Molly… ladies, Jason, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. NAOMI. While Jason is hugging Naomi he gives Stephanie this deer-in-headlights look. Okay, let’s hear it, tough guy. He says that he wants to say something in front of everybody and then he gets all choked up. He tells Stephanie how amazing she is and that they are all better people for knowing her. All of the girls are hysterical and Stephanie says she is just glad she got to be a part of this.
“But I so wanted two new sons.”
Jason walks Stephanie out and tells her that he meant everything he said and he really wanted it to be there, but they just didn’t have that spark. Stephanie says she could tell from Jason’s eyes that he wasn’t completely taken with her. Still no movement in the forehead region. Poor Stephanie. She really does seem like a sweet person. It’s okay for your forehead to crinkle, though, Stephanie – you’d still be a sweet person. And better things await. On her Ride of Shame Stephanie reminds us that one day she will go to heaven and see her husband again. Sad.
Next week it looks like each of the hometown dates will blow up in Jason’s face, but I’m betting that it will actually be much more boring than that. Until then, beloved readers!
Thanks for reading!