“Do you guys have any tranquilizers?”
Okay I have to tell you guys about this week’s recap of The Bachelor. I’m sure you’re over my sob stories, but I have one more. I was about three fourths of the way through recapping this episode using Microsoft Word, when all of a sudden the program froze, then came back with my document in Chinese letters. It was just like that episode of Sex and the City when that happened to Carrie. Exactly. I tried EVERYTHING. I tried to auto recover, I tried to change the font, I went through the Microsoft tech support steps, and nothing worked. My recap was gone. So I cried. I cried like I was Jake. I cried to Flipit via email and I cried to my friends on the phone and in person. Nothing brought the recap back. I was so upset I wanted to skip this episode. Or resign. Or smash my computer. Or all of the above. But I somehow managed to pull it together and start over. I have no idea if this version is as good as the first, if it’s way better, or if it even matters. I guess we’ll never know. I hope it will do!Once more, Chris Harrison drops by to wake up the girls wearing not his usual purple, but a black and gray t-shirt, sport coat combination. Perhaps this is a nod to the mourning everyone must be in after the mockery Rozlyn made of the entire show last night.
“Rozlyn entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers.”
But as Chris tells us, Jake’s dearest wish is for everyone to just move on. It was such an enormous catastrophe that all we can do is… move on. And in the spirit of moving on, this week there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. Here’s your Date Card and goodbye. Try not to be too sad. Gia grabs the card and reads: “Wiener – let’s fall head over heels together. -Jake.” The girls ooh and awe as Wiener bursts into tears and Crazy Michelle gives her the stink eye.
“He loves me! I win!”
Crazy says that she considers herself very attractive and Wiener is the opposite of her as far as what’s on the outside. Whatever, you’re both insane. Wiener’s excited to show Jake her fun side. Ali feels betrayed that Wiener gets a one-on-one because her date with Jake was so special. Uh, has she ever seen this show?
Jake puts Wiener on the motorcycle for the required shots and they arrive at his house. While they sit on a rock and talk about how fun they are a helicopter lands to pick them up. Is there an original thought going on anywhere in this production? Besides accusing a participant of sleeping with a producer?
Back at the house the girls talk about how bad Wiener sucks and Corrie even declares that if Wiener is Jake’s type then she (Corrie) is NOT. Crazy Michelle stews on a pool raft.
“My eggs are aging as I lie here. I need a husband!”
And on the chopper (the helicopter, not Jake’s motorcycle), things are getting tense because Jake is getting really nervous. They finally land near a bridge that is high above a rocky ravine… that they will be bungee jumping off of. Jake admits that he’s terrified of heights. What? He’s a pilot! As they get harnessed up Jake tells us how this is a metaphor for a relationship because they are going to have to rely on each other for strength and he can’t be strong all of the time. Wow, that is so touching. They huddle together on top of the bridge and Wiener tries to keep Jake calm while he pretty much loses it.
What’s the problem, Captain America?
The bungee guys are standing there wondering where ABC dug up this sissy boy. He would never have made it as a military pilot. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I could never bungee jump, I’m way too chicken, but I’m not a pilot, I’m a recapper. It would be like me saying I have a crippling fear of typing. They finally plunge off the bridge and as they dangle upside down in midair they have their first kiss. Didn’t Jason and Molly have this exact same date? Jake says that this kiss is unlike any other he’s had in his entire 31 years. I have heard that adrenaline rushes are really good for bonding, so these two probably think it’s time for a wedding.
Later they sit around on the ground drinking wine and giggling.
“Did you notice how bungee jumping is just like a relationship?”
Jake tells Wiener that one of the things he’s looking for in a wife is someone who can calm his panicked butt down if he’s ever up on top of anything high. Just kidding, what he actually says is that he’s looking for someone who’s nurturing – you know, a mommy. He says that when he jumped he heard a high pitched scream and he thought it might be him. That’s a good assumption, but he was way too busy peeing his pants to scream – it was Wiener. They say all these original things to each other, like they’re looking for a best friend and also someone they can just have fun with. Well that’s weird – no one’s looking for that.
At the Mansion of Desperation the Group Date Card rings the doorbell and Ella complains that she still hasn’t had a date of any kind. Who is Ella again? Corrie rips open the card and reads: “Corrie, Nanny Elizabeth, Ali, Princess Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn and Crazy Michelle – Love is no laughing matter… or is it? -Jake.” The girls guess that they will be going to a comedy club and Michelle is quite insulted that she’s going on a group date instead of a one-on-one.
Wiener and Jake climb into a hot tub to continue saying generic things to each other and Jake hops out to get the rose. He tells Wiener that he appreciates her refreshing honesty (take that, Rozlyn!). Wiener says the rose means that Jake wants to be with her and spend more time with her. She is on Cloud Jake right now. Good one, cue card writers. Wiener and Jake dive into the big pool and make out. Wiener tells us all cross-eyed and dreamy that she is having the best time and Jake is amazing and her Prince Charming.
“Just one glass! Why do you ask?”
Today is the best day of her life so far, but the best day of her life EVER will be the day she marries Jake. Oh ALL RIGHT. We get it – you like him. Could you blow it out of proportion just a little more?
When Wiener gets home she continues in her dreamy state, telling the girls all the details of her day from the helicopter to the bungee jump to the wine to the hot tub bubbling. Ali asks how many kisses there were and Wiener goes, “I don’t kiss and tell,” and she gets up and bounces away. See, this is what girls hate – the multiple personality thing. If you’re going to tell all, then tell all. If you’re going to be private then be private. Don’t rub 95% of it in everyone’s face then act like you’re above sharing details. This makes Ali mad and she tells us she’s “shooken up.” We all are, Ali.
The next day Jake meets up with the girls at Universal City walk, where they all scream and bum rush him when they see him. Crazy Michelle tears out in front of the herd to claim the first hug, reminding us that she’d much rather have had the one-on-one date. Jake takes them over to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club and the girls all scream again when Jon Lovitz comes out. He’s totally funny, saying, “Oh please! Settle down, I’m not the Bachelor!” I loved him in A League of Their Own.
“Hey cowgirls, see the grass? Don’t eat it.”
And now it’s Personal Time with Honey Gangsta. I was once at a club with one of my friends and we were hanging out in the VIP section (of course) and we were getting tired so we came and sat down at a table, and who was sitting there but Jon Lovitz! We asked if we could sit at the table and he said that someone was actually sitting there, so we said we’d move if they came back and he turned his attention back to his friends. We noticed that he had some delicious looking fried appetizers in front of him and we were pretty hungry and because he seemed preoccupied, we figured he wouldn’t mind if we ate them – so we did. Then we left. And that is my brush with Jon Lovitz! I’m sure it was a big day in his life, too. Now back to the show. Jon Lovitz tells the girls that they will be doing stand-up comedy – oh this will be a great show, I’m sure.
And the final Date Card arrives at the mansion! Wiener reads it: “Ella – let’s lift off to another world. -Jake.” Ella says it’s about dayum tahm. Wiener gives another speech about her date with Jake the Wonder Dork and what an amazing man he is and how once Ella spends the day with him she’ll understand how wonderful he is. The girls are annoyed that Wiener won’t pipe down.
While Jon Lovitz tries to coach the girls on how to do stand-up, Ashleigh bursts into tears because she is so nervous to do it. Really? This is what she’s going to cry about?
“They want me to tell a jo-ho-hoke!”
I hear that guys love girls who cry at the drop of a hat. Just ask my boyfriend who watched me cry for a half hour when my computer ate this recap. The next announcement is that there is going to be a full audience at this comedy club. Well, this is the first time there’s been a crowd at a public venue on this show. They must have paid these people to come sit here and watch because no one in their right mind would pay a cover to see these retards try to be funny.
Ali is up first and she asks why Tigger was looking in the toilet – because he was looking for pooh! Then she laughs really hard at herself. How (not) funny. Princess Tenley just bends herself into a pretzel and Jon Lovitz says if she can do that, who cares if she’s funny? Nanny Elizabeth gets up and tells a story joke about this guy in Utah she dated and she keeps getting bleeped, so it’s a dirty joke.
“$!@%#. You can NOT kiss me!”
Jake is puzzled because Nanny gave him the impression that she was old-fashioned with the whole kissing thing and now she’s up there telling sex jokes to strangers? Something doesn’t add up. Kathyrn’s “joke” is to pull Jake up onstage and kiss him. Crazy Michelle is brewing about how when SHE kisses Jake it will be passionate and soft, tongue in the mouth, crazy hair pulling, ripping the clothes off, and so forth. Then it’s her turn for the stage. She says that the cardboard palm trees don’t have coconuts because her boobs are the coconuts and they’re waiting for Jake. Also something about standing on the golfing green that’s on the stage because she’s waiting for the hole for her one-on-one. Is she even cognizant? When Ashleigh is called she refuses to go onstage, so Corrie goes instead and for her comedy she imitates some of her competitors, mainly Wiener, who loves showing off her boobs and talking crap about all the other girls. Jake is once again befuddled because he thinks Wiener is swell. Ashleigh finally gets up and tells a bunch of blonde jokes we’ve all heard. Was that so hard, Weepy McWeeperson?
Jake takes the girls to an “after party” on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. In true Bachelor fashion, they all start drinking and vying for attention. Princess Tenley decides once again that it’s time to tell Jake about her dreaded past. She bawls and tells the story we’ve all heard about how she was a virgin and married and cheated on.
A Disney princess… betrayed.
But she still totally believes in marriage! Jake says he feels bad for her that she had to go through that ordeal. He can relate because Rozlyn betrayed him, too. They kiss again – remember Tenley made him kiss her the first night and she bawled then too.
Ali is griping to the other girls that she hasn’t had any alone time with Jake since their amazing date. Ashleigh gets time next and all she wants to talk about is how bad Wiener sucks. All the girls think that if Jake likes Wiener, he won’t like them. Jake says it doesn’t make him happy that Wiener bragged all about their date, but she’s not even here to defend herself.
Speaking of Wiener, back home Gia is confronting her about being obnoxious. She tells Wiener that everyone is so annoyed with her that no one would sleep in her room. Wiener cries and storms off, saying that every last girl in the house is FAKE. She goes upstairs to cry some more and write Jake a letter. She tells us she’s here for Jake. You are? Oh okay, thanks for clearing that up.
“My hair extensions aren’t fake. They’re real! So is my spray tan!”
Ali finally gets her blasted alone time and Jake tells her that his date with her was one of the best ever. Ali says she’s relieved to hear that, but there’s something she needs to tell him. Wiener is the worst. Jake is like, “This again? I saw a totally different side of Wiener.” He tells us that this sucks because he’s realizing it’s impossible to keep all these women happy. Yes, bingo.
Ali goes back to the girls and offers Corrie a toast for being real enough to get onstage and rip on Wiener so that Jake will know about her. Crazy Michelle won’t toast and she gets all in a huff saying she’s here for love and marriage. She wants to give her mom another grandbaby and everyone in her family says it’s her turn – not that she’s desperate or anything. Ali tells Crazy that she should try to be friends with the girls and Crazy just snaps that she’s here for love and marriage, love and marriage! Crazy is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Nanny Elizabeth hits the nail on the head, saying Crazy doesn’t need a husband, she needs a therapist.
And Crazy is up next! Jake tells her that this has been a rough night for him, but Crazy doesn’t care about that. She tells him that she’s been crying… again… and that she’s not overly emotional; it’s just that she’s here for love and the other women aren’t.
“…and I ovulate in two more days.”
She goes, “I really, really, really want a husband.” Jake goes, “I believe you,” in a really annoyed tone. That’s odd. I thought that guys loved it when girls they just met went on and on about how anxious they are to get married. Crazy is a mess, saying this is so hard for her and can she kiss Jake to see if she really feels something? Jake just shrugs and we witness the world’s most one-sided kiss EVER.
Feel the passion.
Michelle pulls away, complaining that he’s got to give her more than that to go on. Jake looks like he’s ready to strangle her and he says he’s ready for the night to be over.
“So you’re proposing, then?”
Crazy tells him she can’t stay. But she really wants to. But to spend all this time with him and not be able to really kiss him hurts her. Um, isn’t this their first date? She says if he wants her to stay she’ll stay and Jake has finally had enough and tells her it would be better if she leaves. She’s like, “What? I can’t believe you’re doing this! This is so stupid!” Nice bluff, idiot. She tells us that she came here to get married (you did?), but he kicked her to the curb and she had no clue. More tears.
Jake goes into the other girls and tells them that he asked Michelle to leave and the moment he knows someone isn’t for him, he’ll let them go – they don’t have to wait for a Rose Ceremony. Furthermore, he’s not giving a rose out tonight because they’re all driving him nuts and he’ll see them later. He looks completely drained and he leaves them all sitting there with their mouths open. I like that this is getting to Jake. Usually these guys take these situations and just use them to build their egos, getting cockier and cockier. I like that Jake is breaking down.
The next day Ella is so excited she tells us she feels like it’s her wedding day. Oh calm down. I barely even remember who Ella is. Oh yes, the southern girl with the son who wants to be a pilot. She and Jake walk into the front yard where a helicopter lands. Another helicopter? Come ON. This one is headed for San Diego and Sea World, where Disney must have a connection because there is a huge welcome sign for these two at the entrance.
Coincidentally, Jake and Ella are also the names of the two newest manatees.
Wiener realizes that everyone hates her so she comes to the group and offers an apology and says she will try to have more respect for their feelings. Gia says thank you, but Ali just wants to argue about Wiener calling her fake. She tells Wiener that she’s mad she’s still here, and she told Jake so. Girls need to learn that talking crap to guys about other girls doesn’t affect the guy’s opinion.
Jake and Ella are getting ready for their Sea World adventure, but first Jake sits Ella down on a bench to present her with a glorious surprise – her son Ethan!
“It’s okay, Mommy. I know you’re looking for true love.”
While Ella hugs her little boy, Jake does his annoying little self-satisfied chuckle. Like he did this. Ella’s like, “Up walks mah little baby, mah little man. Ah had no idea!” So this turns out to be a kiddie date, but they DO get to swim with dolphins, so there’s that. Also they get bundled up and go in the penguin habitat. Aren’t penguins adorable? Ella is, of course, fantasizing about Jake being Ethan’s new daddy and how she can tell from the way Jake is showing him Sea World that he would be the best father on earth. Honestly, Jake doesn’t seem too into it. And why does Ella keep switching between two outfits? At last they sit down on some grass to have a picnic and Jake gives Ethan a little airplane to play with so that he can get out of the way while Jake talks future with Ella. Ella says she’s glad Jake got to spend time with Ethan because now she’s sure that Jake can be in her life. Oh please. Jake asks how Ella would feel about being engaged at the end of this process. Ella says that now that she’s seen Jake interact with Ethan she would love to be engaged. Also, she wants to be just like Trista and Mr. Trista and their family. Pshhhhhh. You mean under contract to put all your babies on TV? Well this outing sure wrapped things up in a pretty bow, didn’t it?
As fun as this was, it’s time to send Ethan away in a van and get down to private time. There is your usual Bachelor dinner waiting for them and Jake tells Ella that now he sees that she is a fantastic mother – a quality he looks for in a wife, so he’d be honored if she’d accept a rose.
“And your kid was okay too.”
Ella says no thanks. Yeah right! She grabs it. They kiss and Ella babbles about a connection while Jake continues to chuckle to himself.
It’s Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! Jake says it’s getting serious now because he’s going to be letting women go that he doesn’t want to let go. First up for chatty time is Nanny Elizabeth and what do you think she wants to talk about? Her no-kissing rule of course! But first she wants to know if Jake gives good back rubs. Jake tells us that Nanny is the queen of mixed signals because she tells him not to kiss her, but then is very physically flirtatious. He tells Nanny that she plays games, which totally shocks her. How? How does she play games?
“So you’re saying you want to kiss me?”
Jake tells her what he told us. Nanny says it’s hard for her because she’ll get jealous if they kiss then she sees him kissing other girls. Jake says that’s fine, but quit teasing him about kissing then. Nanny’s like, “I’m not teasing you!” Jake brings up the bench at Six Flags, where Nanny was all, “You can’t kiss me, but don’t you want to? Oh you SHOULD want to. But you can’t! Hee hee hee!” Uh, yes, that was a total tease. Nanny thinks for a second, then asks Jake if he needs to kiss her in order to “feel it” for her. Jake’s like, “No, but I just don’t…” and Nanny goes, “We’ll see.” Okay, she’s totally missing the point. The point is: if there is to be no kissing, then shut up about it and do your thing. But don’t say “no kissing,” then talk about nothing but kissing. That’s ridiculous and absolutely teasing. Before this can go any further, Wiener interrupts, holding her rose. Uh oh.
Nanny corners a camera guy and tells us that she is SHOCKED. She has no idea where Jake came up with this whole crazy “mixed signals” theory. Does he just need a kiss tonight? Is that it? Wow, she’s very confused.
Wiener cries to Jake that all the girls hate her. Jake tells her to just remember that she’s here for him – and herself. And he saw what he needed to see on their date.
“I’m way too tired for this right now, Wiener.”
When Wiener goes back inside Ali jumps all over her, asking if she stole Jake from Nanny and if she realizes that there are other people who haven’t had one-on-one time. Wiener says she felt like she needed to clarify the situation in the house, but the girls are still not happy with her. At all.
Meanwhile, Nanny is still spouting off to us that she is not just vanilla – she’s all colors of the rainbow. So she doesn’t only mix signals, she also mixes metaphors. Plus she can get a date any day of the week – she’s here to find love! And she doesn’t understand why Jake is pressuring her to kiss him. Oh deluded. He’s NOT. He just wants you to shift your focus. Nanny storms into a bathroom to cry and when Wiener tries to talk to her, she’ll have none of it! Ali pulls Wiener aside to tell her how out of line it was to talk to Jake. And she needs to care that she’s hurting people. This is ridiculous. One last message from Nanny. She is choosing Jake, not the other way around, and he needs to remember that. Then she sits down with him again to try and find out why he is so desperate to kiss her. Jake goes, “We do have a connection, but -” and Nanny goes, “You need a kiss.” Jake goes, “No. You’re misreading that. But you were dangling it like a carrot.” Nanny tries to back pedal, but I think Jake is over her. He’s all exhausted again and tells us that Nanny is scared and trying to control the situation, but it’s not about who’s in control. Oh, here’s Chris tapping the glass. Good.
Jake is so drained that he can barely stand up in the deliberation room. He comes out and tells the girls that this is a really hard decision and to the girls not getting a rose, this decision was horrible, but he’s letting his heart lead him. Remember, Wiener and Ella already have roses. Here are the rest: Gia (G-G-G-Gia!), Corrie, Princess Tenley, Ali, Jessie (she’s still here?), Kathryn. Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Ashleigh (crybaby). Nanny’s out! So is Valishia (who?). Valishia wishes Jake the best and he tells her to give her kids a lot of love for him. Her kids? What? When did this happen?
And you are…?
Valishia is kind of sad, but she seems all right. She cries a little and says she’s used to things not going her way. Nanny walks up to Jake and goes, “What happened?” Jake says he had to go with his heart. She says, “I should have kissed you.” Okay, that’s enough, Nanny. Get OVER yourself. Maybe you’ll see how far off you are when you watch this.
“We could still kiss right now if that’s what you need.”
Jake toasts the remainders, then collapses onto the floor.
Next week! There is a Group Date road trip during which Ali and Wiener try not to kill each other, Gia gets a kiss, and Jake doesn’t want to give out his last rose.
Hooray! I made it through Episode Three, Recap Number Two! I hope it made sense. What do you guys think? Why is Ali so mean to Wiener? Sure she’s annoying, but they all are, what gives? And Nanny? Does she have a clue in the world?
Thanks for reading!