The Bachelor: Lights, Camera, TEARS!

Welcome to The Bachelor! Tonight Jason continues to kiss everybody, but this time he does it in front of everybody. Someone goes camping and almost everybody cries – but not because of the camping, surprisingly. Grab a box of tissue and join me, won’t you?Chris Harrison is once again making a house call at the Mansion of Desperation, but this time the girls are in actual outfits instead of their pajamas, so it must be past three in the afternoon. What’s up this week, Chris? Well this week there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a “very special” two-on-one date. One rose up for grabs on each date. Chris acknowledges that the girls would claw their own eyes out for the chance to go on the one-on-one date, but this time they are going to do something a little different, which is have a singing songwriting contest to determine who gets the coveted date. This is SO not something different, Chris Harrison. We do this every season. In fact, Jason did this for DeAnna just last season. Is there another writers’ strike? Nikki looks like she’s just been sentenced to an execution. I guess writing a love song isn’t as easy as organizing her bathroom. The girls have 30 minutes until show time so they all scream and tear around like headless chickens.

Cyber Stalker Shannon is happy to have plenty of material to work with since she’s been following Jason around with binoculars since episode one of The Bachelorette last season. Snooty Lauren tells us she’s musically inclined so her song will be pleasant for everyone to listen to. Oh I’m sure, Lauren. Nikki sobs and paces. Can someone get this girl some Xanax? She is only used to pageant environments where everything is highly predictable. She even says she’d rather have a tarantula crawl up her arm than participate in this challenge. I wonder if that was an event in the Miss Illinois pageant. I mean, she must have had to do a talent number, right? What’s the big problem?

Back in the living room Jason tells the girls that when he did this challenge last season he was by far the worst singer, but he had by far the most fun. What is it with him always talking about how much blasted fun he had on The Bachelorette? Is he an android? “Fun” is the very last word I would use to describe this excruciating ordeal. Nikki continues to pout and stare into her glass of whatever she’s drinking. Molly leaps up to go first and sings a song about french fries, which I have to admit, is not a bad topic to choose. In fact, I’d like some french fries now, please.

Cyber Stalker Shannon is up and she turns her cap around in an homage to Jason and his lame rap from last season. Jillian climbs up on the bar for a Coyote Ugly type of performance, and Stephanie does some kind of ear piercing operatic parody. Snooty Lauren gets up and announces that her song is an actual SONG, unlike the rest of this peasant nonsense. While she sings Jason sits there with a confused look on his face.

After Lauren’s “real” song Nikki is more ready to throw up than ever. She gets up fanning herself and asks Chris Harrison to bring her a tarantula. Actually, she does something even weirder. She tells Jason that instead of writing a love song for him she has written a song that she would like to sing to her baby someday. Oh, way to not embarrass yourself, Nikki. Will this song work for Ty? It’s a lullaby that’s four lines long. All I have to say about that is, “huh???”

Jason chooses Molly as the winner because she incorporated a bit of call and response into her song which involved him. So Molly gets the one-on-one date and Lauren is pissed because clearly she had the best song. Whatever, Lauren. You really need to get over yourself.

Later a date card comes for Molly and here is what it says: “Molly, let’s stay home tonight at my place. -J.” The girls all scream in raging jealousy. Molly nervously packs her bags in case she doesn’t get the rose and tells us that tonight is the real deal. When Jason comes to pick up Molly the other girls act like their dogs have all been killed. Why can’t they just adopt Jason’s attitude and have fun? This is so much fun! And speaking of fun, Jason and Molly have a fast food picnic (including french fries) on the floor of Jason’s living room. Over burgers Molly tells Jason that she is SO ready to take that next step and share her life with someone. Jason babbles about getting lost in Molly’s eyes and all I can think about is Debbie Gibson.

The group date card arrives at the mansion and here’s who is involved: “Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Megan, Melissa and Naomi – want to play doctor? -J.” This of course means that Stephanie and Nikki are going on the two-on-one, so Nikki immediately bursts into tears… again.

And over at the Bachelor pad, Jason gives Molly some of his “comfy” clothes. I guess her jeans and t-shirt were far too restrictive. Molly says that Jason’s shorts and t-shirt are exactly her style. Whatever, Molly. They go to the backyard where a mock campsite has been prepared for them and they start roasting marshmallows for s’mores. At least with pretend camping there is a shower less than 20 feet away. If they could pull one of the beds from the house into the tent and then move the tent into the living room I’d be down.

Molly waxes on and on about Jason being exactly what she’s looking for and that seeing Jason with Ty shows her that Jason would be a perfect father and husband. They kiss a bit and then Jason picks up the rose. He gives a speech about how the more he gets to know Molly the more he likes, BUT… but there’s a lot more to get to know, so will she take the rose? That was kind of mean with the big but in there, but Molly of course accepts and tells us she is on the path to falling in love with Jason. They decide to make a night of it and crawl into the fake tent.

Cyber Stalker Shannon decides to wait up for Molly so that she can cut off some of her hair and put it in her “Jason” book, but Molly is busy moaning in the tent between kissing sounds. The next morning Jason brings Molly home and she proudly wears his clothes like she’s returning from battle. She tells us she’s a bit embarrassed about being the first girl in Bachelor history to do the walk of shame, but then she prances right into the kitchen in front of all of the girls with a huge smile on her face and waving her rose around. Yeah, you seem really embarrassed Molly. The girls figure out what’s happened – which is that Molly spent the night with Jason – and all of their hearts stop. Keeping to her discreet tendencies, Molly announces that she hardly got any sleep at all, and neither did Jason, so ha ha, have fun on your group date suckers but now I’m going to bed!

Jason shows up looking all smug and satisfied. You know this is the first time he’s ever gotten this much attention from women – he’s just lapping it up way too enthusiastically. The girls each take a turn slapping his face for sleeping with Molly. Yeah right, they line up to be next. No one can figure out Jason’s cryptic date note inviting them all to play doctor – until they pull up to the set of “General Hospital.” Wooooooo! We’re on the set of “General Hospital!” We’re going to be famous! The whole group starts wandering through the sets until they stumble upon these two kids doing some kind of teen angst scene for the cameras. True as ever to TV form, the guy is an enormous dork and the girl is a hottie. Why must TV insist on validating that dorky frumpy guys get hot women? Have you ever seen the reverse? I ask you.

The girls learn that they will be participating today in “General Hospital” but I highly doubt any of them will be appearing on the actual show. This is just another Bachelor playground on loan for the day. They all head down to wardrobe and makeup where the biggest costume accident happens to Jason himself who emerges in flaming fuchsia scrubs. How manly. Really? They couldn’t have put him in blue or green? Maybe he asked for the pink, what do I know?

The first item of business “on set” is to practice kissing Jason, and Cyber Stalker Shannon bounds forward to volunteer. They’ve never had a real kiss so this is her big chance. It’s nothing special.

So it looks like the way this is going to play out is that there will be a series of scenes acted out, all of which involve some sort of make out session with one of the girls and Jason. The girls so unfortunate as to not be one of the kissers just have to do their background parts and watch. First up Naomi gets to play a naughty maid and Lauren plays Jason’s wife who catches him kissing the maid. Yawn. Next Jason proposes to Jillian while she wears a nasty blonde wig. Megan and Jason get to pretty much just make out in front of a pool table for no apparent reason. Megan goes to town and swallows Jason’s tonsils, so the girls looking on are really upset. Melissa especially is feeling very jealous because she feels like she’s put her heart out there.

Later Jason takes the girls for a rap party at some empty Hollywood club and they sit around discussing how hard the day was. Jason is genuinely surprised to discover that it’s hard on girls that he’s kissing to see him kissing other girls! Oh these girls are so serious. Why can’t they just have fun? So Jason has to make the rounds of the girls and comfort them all individually, reassuring them that he cares about them even though he’s sucking face with many other people as well. If anything interesting is said, I’ll let you know.

Ah, here’s something. Megan has a sit-down thinking that she’s going to get more tongue action from Jason, but he just hugs her. Denied! Lauren decides to be bossy because, as she says, some people like to be dominated. Barf. She demands to know why Jason kept Megan after Lauren told him not to. Jason’s like, “Uh… duh.” Then Lauren says that Jason needs to give her the rose tonight. You can tell by the look on his face that Lauren is on her last leg. Melissa sobs to Jason that today has proven to her that she has really fallen for him, which is actually the smartest thing to say in this situation – particularly if you are a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.

Cyber Stalker Shannon tells Jason that tonight is the first time she’s felt like she’s developed feelings for him. All stalker evidence to the contrary, Shannon. Then she orders Jason to keep her and says she will not let him let her go. Way to downplay that stalker image. They have a really awkward peck and Jason just keeps wiping napkin bits off of Shannon’s face.

At home the two-on-one date card arrives inviting Stephanie and Nikki to dance the night away with “J.” Ew, I already don’t like that image.

Back at the rap party Jason decides to give Naomi the rose and says “Thanks for being you.” Could Jason be any more generic? Lauren’s pissed. Megan’s pissed. They don’t think that the crybabies should be rewarded with roses.

Next morning the doorbell rings and the girls all scream and gasp when they open the door because Jason has sent over two designer ball gowns for today’s two-on-one. Nikki and Stephanie tear the dresses down with their teeth. The other girls speculate that this is all well and good, but no one wants to go on the two-on-one date because one of you is definitely out of there. The girls get all dressed up and try not to vomit while Jason tells us how hard this is for HIM. Even the girls staying home tonight are pretty much looking like crap from all of the stress. All of this for Jason? Where do I sign up?

Jason takes Stephanie and Nikki to a restaurant that is covered in Christmas lights. A lady pops out and says that she will be teaching all of them the waltz this evening, which is the most beautiful and romantic of all ballroom dances. This will all reveal the chemistry present in both of these couples, of course. It turns out that Nikki is a horrible dancer. She can’t even be led.

Stephanie, on the other hand, is a ballet teacher. She looks all poised and statuesque as Jason awkwardly steers her around the floor. Nikki’s self esteem has once again been called into question and she stands off to the side wiping tears away. I’m thinking this whole Bachelor thing wasn’t such a good idea for Nikki. She’s basing her entire self worth on these dorky little challenges and the big dorky prize. Nikki rallies and cuts back in, and back and forth it goes until everyone is as angry as can be. Over dinner Jason wants to know how hard it would be for either lady to move to Seattle. Nikki is careful to point out that she has no one at home depending on her and that she could very easily relocate. Stephanie says she’ll go anywhere with the man she loves. Nikki chooses now to tell Jason about her ex-boyfriend of 11 years as an example that things don’t always work out the way you plan. Jason immediately pulls Nikki aside to get to the bottom of this. It turns out that Nikki’s boyfriend just up and told her one day that he loved her but didn’t want to marry her. Ouch. Stephanie has private time and once again tells Jason how full of gratitude she is to be here.

It’s time for Jason to make Sophie’s Choice. He thinks they’re both swell, but he only has one rose and it’s for Stephanie. Right here I’m noticing what a nice person Stephanie seems to be. As she takes the rose from Jason she looks at Nikki with this expression that says how hard this is. There’s no laughing, no squealing, no waving the rose around. Stephanie is very down to earth. I wonder what she wants with Jason.

Jason walks Nikki to her limo trying to reassure her that this is not the end of the world, that she still has a reason to live, and that she has worth as a human being. Nikki is very gracious, saying she had a good time and that whoever ends up with Jason is very lucky. Good for her for drawing on her pageant training to remain poised in the end. On her Ride of Shame Nikki tells us that she never saw this coming and she is in total shock. She doesn’t know how much smarter or prettier she could possibly be so she’s not really sure what Jason is looking for. She says that she doesn’t want to have a pity party and say this isn’t fair, but it isn’t fair. She was ready to pack up a U-Haul, drive across country, meet Jason’s mom and become Ty’s stepmom. She feels like she has to be perfect so she won’t be rejected. Therapy, Nikki. It’s the best thing I ever did besides living in Europe. Jason returns to happily finish waltzing with Stephanie and they finally kiss on the mouth like a couple instead of a mother and son.

It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! The girls sit and discuss how real everything has gotten this week. Fun times are over it seems in the Mansion of Desperation. Jillian is roseless for the first time at the cocktail party, so she makes sure to get a kiss in. Melissa reiterates how excited she is about Jason and how anxious she is to be with him, then they make out for a while. Megan tells Jason how much fun she had making out with him on the set of “General Hospital” and then he decides to teach her the waltz he learned on his date last night. Lauren tells Jason that she is genuinely upset with him for not giving her the rose on the group date after she gave him explicit instructions. Look Lauren, this tactic obviously didn’t work on the group date, so what makes you think it’s going to start working now? She then informs Jason that he wants to kiss her so they have a snog. Then she tells the camera that she and Jason are getting married. Oh boy.

Here is Chris Harrison tapping his glass. Thankfully we skip the deliberation room and go straight to the lineup. Molly, Stephanie and Naomi have roses so they are safe. Jason has three more roses to hand out and here he comes. Wow, Lauren is looking super smug.

And the first rose goes to… Melissa. The second rose goes to… Jillian. Both huge surprises. Ladies, Jason, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. But wait! Our Bachelor has something to say! He’s not going to give out the final rose! He tells Megan, Lauren and Cyber Stalker Shannon how totally amazing they all are, but he can’t lead anybody on and he just doesn’t see forever with any of them. Ooh, sorry girls. He didn’t even want to wait one more week to get rid of the three of you!

Lauren says she doesn’t think it’s fair that Jason changed up the rules and didn’t give out the final rose. Particularly when he had strict orders from her to the contrary. Cyber Stalker Shannon shows more grace than I expected and tells Jason that his wife is here, she knows it. She’s excited to get home and use her electric toothbrush and French kiss her puppy. Gross. Maybe she should reverse the order of those two things.

Megan says she was positive that last rose was for her and now she’s very hurt and confused. She’s the only one who cries.

Next week Jason takes the final five to Seattle and Ty returns to the small screen. Then in the rose ceremony Jason wants to talk to someone privately, which makes it THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER! I think I might believe it this week. Wait, no I don’t.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta