The Bachelor: No Rules

[Providing coverage of The Bachelor this season is jadedbitch.]

I was very gunshy about watching another season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette series after the last catastrophe known as Jen Schefft. However, I was persuaded by friends to tune in to Monday night’s premiere, when the fledgling program decided to enlist the help of fledgling actor Charlie O’Connell to help inject some life into its already six feet under franchise. Or perhaps it was the other way around? For those who don’t already know, this round of The Bachelor stars the younger brother of actor Jerry O’Connell.

Some of Jerry’s credits include: Stand By Me, the TV show My Secret Identity, Jerry Maguire, Tomcats, and who can forget the Fox series Sliders? Yeah, he’s kinda b-list, but then what does that make Charlie? C-list? D? E? F? Some of Charlie’s credits include: ….er,…we’ll get back to this.The gaggle of girls poised to throw themselves at the bachelor include Kara (a 26 yo MILF!), Kindle, not to be confused with kindling, Krisily, not to be confused with… prissily, Kristina, not to be confused with Kristine, Kristine, not to be confused with Kristina, Kyshwan, she’s one of the only non-white folk on the show so there’s no reason for you to confuse her with anyone, and last but not least in the KKK category, Kimberly, a bit of a hooch who hails from none other than Edmonton, Alberta, CANADA! Alright, Edmonton, representin! (Yes, I’m Canadian.)

But wait, what’s this? Another Edmontonian on the show? WTF! This Jenny ain’t from the block, nay, she too is from Edmonton! For the Canada illiterates, Edmonton is located in the province (we don’t have states) of Alberta, which is right next to British Columbia, which is… oh never mind. Edmonton is a bit of a hole and its only claim to fame is this gigantic mall aptly named the West Edmonton Mall, and it boasts a water park, a theme park, and multiple outlets of the same store. Other than that, the city is known for its amazingly long and cold winters. Even Jenny slags it in her bio by saying the reason she can’t meet a man is cause she lives in Edmonton!

Other girls on parade include Brenda who describes herself as foxy, but comes off more as boxy and Sarah B., the resident Bible-thumper. Yay, religion! Another Canadian infiltrating the scene is Debby from Thornhill, Ontario. Even I don’t know where that is. What’s with all these smalltown Canadian girls making it onto national American television? We then have Gina Marie, who is not to be confused with Teena Marie, though I bet the two of them could whip out a great rendition of Lovergirl. “I just want to be your lovergurrrrl!” If that won’t win the Bachelor’s heart, then I don’t know what will.

They’re trying to spice things up this season. Twist #1 is that there are no limos and no dressy gowns ˆ the Bachelor wants to meet the girls as is, therefore we shall wake them all up at 8:30am and give them a mere five minutes to get ready! Wow, this show is crazy! Some of those girls haven’t even unplugged their vibrators yet! What will they think of next?

We were treated to scenes of the ladies getting dressed, brushing their teeth, and then running down the halls of the hotel to get to the big meeting room in time. One girl put on her bikini before doing her 5 minute sprint, while others barely had time to put on their underwear! I personally liked the girl who admitted to not having showered the day before! Yay to no showering!! “I don’t run for men,” uttered Danushka, the fashion model from LA, who strolled down the halls in her heels and shades. Show her a vial of cocaine however, and she’s doing a marathon!

The girls all met host Chris Harrison who told them to expect the unexpected and that this season will be totally different from any other. You mean it might actually be good? Cut to a home video of Charlie talking about why he’s doing the Bachelor and oh, meet my semi-famous brother that I LIVE WITH. WTF!?

After the video montage, Charlie comes out to meet the gals, who all sigh and swoon over him. I actually don’t find him that good looking or great. How do they pick these women to make sure they would actually like him? Oh right, they all checked off “Desperate” on the application form.

We were then treated to a session of speed dating. No, it’s not where you both do a hit of speed and then go have sex. Speed dating is when the girls had two minutes each to talk to Charlie and to try to make a good impression. Oh, and did we mention that two roses were up for grabs, ensuring the recipients’ safety? Let the parade of pussy begin!

Anitra was the first to arrive, starting the two minute affair by announcing she hadn’t showered yet. Great. That’ll get you a rose. (Insert Napoleon Dynamite going, “God! Idiot!” here.) More girls filed in but it was good ol’ Kimberley from Edmonton who sat on his lap with her shirt open and cans popping out. They played a cheesy game of Santa and Mrs. Claus and then time was up before he could even unwrap his candy cane for her to lick. Siomara arrived and the two spent most of the time trying to get Charlie to pronounce her name correctly. This was followed by an impromptu Spanish lesson to which Charlie looked at her and said, “Hola.” He then continued with, “Burrito? Taco? Chimmichanga?”

The first rose was given to Sarah W. who showed off her rollerblading scar and spider bites to win his heart. With that hairdo, she reminds me of Hilary Duff’s older sister. You know, the one who sang that song with her for that movie. That one. Kristine tried to get a rose by stripping down to her bikini and then sitting down and reading him a poem that went something like this:

Who are you Mr Bachelor? I want to meet you. My heart beats with anticipation. Why must we be kept isolated? Adventure, intimacy, beauty. Are you ready?

Moving on. Geitan sauntered in clucking like a chicken, something she picked up from a farm in Northern Alberta. Whoa, Big Ups to Alberta! The two then engaged in an odd contest revolving around monkey noises. Bible thumper Sarah B. showed up to give him a lahmaze lesson with the two shouting out, “Push! Push!” I’m sure Sarah B. had never said that to a man before.

Rose No. 2 was delivered to 32 year old Kerry, who wowed him with stories about riding horses on a farm and watersports. That’s sailing, not pee play.

Host Chris Harrison arrived to inform Charlie about the second Twist – he had to get rid of 5 girls immediately. Sent packing were Kristina, Heather, boxy Brenda, Thornhill Ontario’s Debby, and Katie. It was nice to see that the “Don’t nix the minority in the first episode” clause was still alive and kicking in the ABC contract, as Kyshwan (not to be confused with Szechuan) managed to escape getting cut.

The women who were left made their way to their home in New York, only to discover they had to share a giant room stacked with bunk beds. Top Model this is not. Where was Tyra and her multi-theme-roomed lofts when you needed her?

It was group date time! There was to be three of them, and on each date only a certain number of girls could attend, and Charlie had two roses to give out during each group session. It was up to the girls to decide who would go on what date. Hmm, leaving it up to a roomful of bitches to decide in a civil manner who would get to go on a date with the Bachelor? That’ll happen. Oh and did we mention that the rules are: there are no rules? Bring it!

The first date was at a local pool hall, and five girls were chosen to go. However, crafty Kindle had other plans up her skirt. She rushed downstairs before anyone else and greeted Charlie at the door, therefore managing to get herself invited on the date. This bumped Carrie off the date, who wasn’t as bitchy or mad as I would be if this happened to me.

At the poolhall, Charlie managed to enforce the fact that white men can’t dance. That is, straight white men who still live with their B-list actor brothers. Kindle managed to snag a rose, which will no doubt miff Carrie once they return home. Surprisingly, she took it well once again and instead, looked forward to going on the second group date with Charlie, which was that evening at a local club.

“A lot of them are easy on the eyes,” Charlie told the camera, paused, and then continued with, “A lot of them aren’t easy on the ears.” Not sure who he was talking about, but it might’ve been model/secret agent/bad poet bikini girl Kristine.

Back at the house things were a brewin’ when discussion turned to how Siomara chose people to go on the second group date. She had been the one to answer the phone when Charlie called, so she took it upon herself to choose who got to go on the date. Apparently, Siomara had told Gina Marie she would be chosen to go on the date but in the end, wasn’t. The rest of the girls fed Gina Marie some wine and then encouraged her to go and crash the second group date! Cody from Survivor then appeared in the corner of the screen shouting, “You go girl!”

Gina Marie arrived at the club much to the girls’ chagrin. Krisily didn’t mind so much since she had earned herself a rose earlier in the date by offering up her body as Charlie’s personal drinking platform. Watch out Krisily, the rose might be prickly. Charlie then did a little speech to the camera about how he had more girls than Hugh Hefner, but all I could make out was some drunken mumbling. We cut back to the club where Geitan was singled out for not having her five minutes alone with Charlie yet. This sent Geitan spiraling into a nervous breakdown as she proclaimed that she wanted to leave and remove herself from the show. “This isn’t me,” she said. “I want to leave while I still have my dignity.” Dignity, you say? I think clucking like a chicken and having a monkey call contest had already pushed you way over that dignity line, Geitan. She then proceeded to burst into tears in front of everyone about how uncomfortable the whole situation was and rambled about not wanting to offend anyone, blah blah blah. Dignity indeed.

Volleyball and rock climbing set the scene for the third group date. This meant a lot of bouncing balls and I ain’t talking about the volleyball game. Kimberly, what did they feed you up in Alberta? Must’ve been that Grade A Canadian beef! Whatever it is, it definitely earned her a rose. The other Miss Edmonton, Jenny, also got a rose during the date. He said it was the most easy going conversation he’s had yet. Ooh I hope both these girls make it to the end as I’m salivating at the thought of a home visit to Deadmonton!

The rose ceremony brought about Twist # 3 with the girls being able to speak their mind to Charlie and to each other. But before they could get to that, there was one more surprise. With deluded dignity intact, Geitan had decided to return to the program! You can’t do that! Quit and then come back? What do you think this is, The Apprentice?

She returned and explained that she felt uncomfortable at the club during the date, and that it was sleazy and trashy. The girls fought back and defended their provocative dancing, saying it wasn’t trashy and that they believed Geitan left because she knew she wouldn’t get a rose. Sarah B. then piped up to try and shed her Christ-loving image by proclaiming that she loves to go out and have a good time.

The claws came out even further when Danushka asked Charlie point blank if Krisily got the rose because of the body shot she allowed him to lick off her. Charlie responded with a negative and called Danushka out on being a fraud for wearing sunglasses to their speed date. (Note to Danushka: Donnatella called and wants her fake accent back.) Krisily then tried to defend her barroom body shot by saying that just because she allowed it to happen, it didn’t make her a bitch. Danushka replied with, “That doesn’t make you a bitch. It makes you a slut.” Zinger!

Receiving roses were: Sarah B., Kara, Carrie, Gina Marie (whom he called Gina Maria which sounds like some foreign STD), and Megan. Kristine, not having received a rose, turned into a blubbering mess crossed with a menacing psycho goth chick. She wanted to let Charlie know she’d still be thinking of him and no doubt writing more godawful poetry.

Meanwhile, Geitan continued her ride through the revolving door, as she too did not receive a rose. Who knows? Perhaps she’ll come back again next week and surprise us all! And as for that “Don’t nix the minority in the first episode” rule in the contract? As we’re beginning to learn this season: there are no rules! How did you find the first Bachelor episosde this season?