Aw shucks. I can still fall in love!
Welcome back to The Bachelor! I’ve been on hiatus and missed you guys! I’m so ready for another round I can hardly stand it. Let’s go!
Remember a few months ago when this happened?
Jason does the slow walk up to the Platform telling us how excited and in love he is. When he gets to her she hugs him and then just lets him talk. He tells her he’s wearing an orange tie, which was Ty’s idea, and that it symbolizes a Georgia peach. Oh, this sucks. He lunges down to one knee and DeAnna pulls him up, saying, “No, I can’t.” She tells him how much she cares about him and how perfect he is and that she’d always be safe with him, but she’s in love with somebody else.
Well, the part that was edited out was that DeAnna didn’t immediately pull Jason up from his knees, but she sat there and let him give a speech about how he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and even pulled out a ring. Not until she saw the sparkle did she put a stop to his gut spill. Too bad for Jason, DeAnna had her sights set on Jesse, The Riddler, who is going to spend his life snowboarding and being a house husband. But that didn’t go so well, either, as we all heard recently, and DeAnna and Jesse are now an item officially OVER. That might be nice news for Jason, but even nicer news, as he tells us in his introductory montage, is that DeAnna taught him that he can fall in love again after having his heart broken by his ex-wife who left him alone with their little boy, Ty. Yes, DeAnna was good for something after all and Jason is so convinced in The Bachelor process that he is back! He is lucky Bachelor Number 13 and he is here to sort his life out! Think it will work? Me neither.
Never to be daunted, however, ABC launches into a new montage of Jason romping around with 3-year-old Ty. I can tell these little scenes are going to get old fast. From the looks of things Jason never goes to work, Ty never cries, whines, fights or needs anything like potty training, he just draws, plays football, and climbs on jungle gyms with his daddy.
No, Ty does NOT need to go potty.
Oh life is good for Jason and Ty in Seattle. If it’s so darn picturesque, why change it by bringing some wannabe actress into the picture? What’s that you say? This is all about true love? My apologies – let’s continue. More obligatory montages of Jason moping around Seattle about being lonely and then working out to show us how desirable he is. Honestly, he is dorky to me. Yes he seems like a nice guy, and yes, YES, I know it is like candy watching a guy being a cute daddy, but seriously – this is the best we could come up with? I guess he has the wounded puppy thing going for him.
It’s off to LA, home of deep and everlasting love as everyone knows, and Jason cruises along the Pacific Coast Highway with Ty in the car seat behind him. Oh good, nothing like involving a toddler in the humiliation of a lifetime. At least Ty will be staying with his uncle, and not in the Mansion of Desperation with all of the actresses – I mean Bachelorettes. Jason has proposed to two women in his life: his ex and DeAnna, and he is certain that the third time will be the charm.
Hooray! Chris Harrison joins us at the mansion to tell us all about what goes on on The Bachelor! Did you know that when DeAnna rejected Jason ABC got letters from women all over the country begging them to make Jason the next Bachelor? Sounds familiar – he claimed the same thing happened when DeAnna was rejected by Brad. Anyway, before we have our kick-off interview with Jason we are going to bounce over to the hotel where all of the girls are getting ready to meet him. We see a girl jumping on her bed with excitement, a girl in really bad eye makeup practicing her golf swing (Jason LOVES to golf, didn’t you know?), a dental hygienist brushing her teeth and telling us she’s a tooth Nazi, another girl showing us her shoes as if Jason will care, and a girl doing sit-ups. Honey, if you’re stomach ain’t ready by now, no amount of sit-ups will save you.
We meet Jillian, the first of the extra-special introductions. She shows us a restaurant that she has just finished designing. She describes herself as a “polished hick,” which doesn’t make sense, but she’s from Canada, so that’s about all I need to know. Next we meet Stacia from Utah (my home state). Why, WHY must we always have a girl from Utah? And most likely she will be embarrassing. So far all we know about Stacia is that she has a weird name and a crazy life due to her two small children. She tells us that Tristan, her little boy, is all for her dating. Um, he looks like he’s around 4, so he’s probably all for whatever is in front of his face. I’m sure Stacia’s love life won’t be of particular concern to him until he reaches his teens and wants to punch every man who looks her way.
Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Next we meet Dominique, who greets us by skipping through a park in Pennsylvania.
I’m guessing our first Bachelorette neurosurgeon.
Think she’s stepmom material? Dominique, bless her heart, has been on some bad dates. One guy even took her on an Amish tour if you can imagine! That actually sounds interesting to me, but what do I know? She basically complains about her town and the guys in it, as if those are the reasons she needs to meet Jason. Why don’t you move, Dominique? I did.
Oh here is Melissa, a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. How lucky are we getting tonight? She is about what you would expect from a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, so you know she’ll be around for a while. We get a close up of her boobs and she tries on dresses. Goody. Nikki is sitting around her apartment in her Miss Illinois banner and crown… dusting. She looks quite a bit like Sandra Bullock. She goes on and on about how badly she wants to be a mom because of how much she loves her nieces and nephews. Got it, Nikki, you are down with the Ty situation. And you want world peace. Next.
Renee is 36, from Beverly Hills, has a tiny body and a huge head, and makes “vision boards.” These are collages of crap she’s cut out of magazines to remind her of what she wants in life. Good luck with that, Renee. Jackie is a wedding coordinator who has already been married once. What she tells us about her previous marriage is that it was a fantastic wedding. Uh, okay. She says it’s really hard to watch all these brides, but she has to keep reminding herself that her time will come. Sweetie, it already did. Maybe if you shift your focus from your wedding dress to finding the right guy you will have better luck. Stephanie is a 34-year-old widow with a little girl. I’m really getting the sense of this season being the Family Edition. I guess we’ll see how that turns out. Stephanie gives her interview from a bedroom that looks like it belongs on the set of “Dynasty.”
“I shall fire you all on the spot!”
Back at the hotel, all the girls say that all the other girls will be jealous of them – of course they will. And they pledge to do whatever is necessary to win Jason’s heart. Jason, meanwhile, is taking a shower for the camera and telling us how ready he is to find the perfect woman. He arrives to talk to Chris Harrison about what is going on. Chris has Jason – once again – rehash how he was embarrassingly rejected by the glorious DeAnna. Oh brother, who cares anymore? We hear more about how Jason is Father of the Century and how he is the biggest fan of this Bachelor plan. Let’s get this thing underway!
It is now time for the Highlights portion of the program as our “ladies” emerge from their limousines.
- It’s Lauren’s birthday! And she’s a porta-wife (teacher).
- Melissa manages to not lead with the fact that she used to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.
- Sharon – another porta-wife – makes Jason do some salsa steps with her and it’s not exactly graceful.
- Naomi is a stewardess and she can’t stop hitching up her strapless dress.
- Megan drops the baby bomb. She has a 14-month-old son.
- Stephanie (the widow) seems like she could be Jason’s mother.
- There is a girl named TREASURE, who is also from Utah (thank you very much).
- Raquel is from Brazil, speaks three languages, and is a medical student. I predict she’s too smart for Jason to keep around for long.
- Molly makes Jason show her his golf swing.
- Nicole – our token minority (Asian) is wearing orange because it’s Ty’s favorite color.
- Jillian wants to know what Jason’s favorite hot dog topping is (!) because she has a very specific theory on what that says about a person.
- Emily has fried hair and is from Seattle.
- Okay Julie is our second minority – but I can’t tell exactly which minority.
- Shannon emerges from the limo wearing gross false teeth and then laughs way too hard at her own little joke. She’s the dental hygienist. And apparently a talented comedienne.
So there are our 25 Mrs. Mesnick hopefuls. Chris Harrison reminds Jason that he will need to award one First Impression Rose this evening so to keep that in mind. As Jason walks inside the girls, naturally, scream bloody murder.
Jason asks the camera, “This night is unbelievable… why me?” I couldn’t have said it better, Jason. He tells the girls to be themselves and have fun because he wants to get to know them all. Yipee!
Here are some more Highlights as the girls battle it out for that harbinger of doom – the First Impression Rose. Fun Fact: The girl who gets the First Impression Rose has never won – at least not since I’ve been watching.
Don’t get too excited, girls.
- Naomi makes a toast to DeAnna for rejecting Jason and giving all of us a chance. This is followed by everyone taking a huge slug of some clear liquor.
- Shannon giggle/squeals that she wants to be a mom so bad! Uh oh. She has a sit down with Jason and it turns out that she’s been cyber stalking him and knows every detail of his life, including his brother’s girlfriend’s name. She insists several times that she’s not a stalker then tells Jason he has beautiful teeth. Wow. Crazy Pants.
“So why did you throw away that half empty bottle of Prell?”
- Dominique sells toe implants. Yes, you read that correctly.
- Sharon admits that she resigned from her job to come on the show. Brilliant.
- Megan asserts that the girls without children have no idea what they’re in for.
- Kari reads a lame poem she wrote for Jason about how much she already loves him.
- Oh here we go. Jillian is grilling up some wieners and going over what each topping says about a guy. I won’t go into them because A) they’re stupid. B) who only puts one thing on a hot dog? Is that even allowed? She drags Jason in and watches like a hawk as he squirts mustard onto his hot dog. Jillian is overjoyed because apparently the guy who puts mustard on his hot dog is the guy you want to settle down with. Moving right along…
Well, this may be as good a method as this show.
- Nikki gushes to Jason about how badly she wants to be a mom.
- Renee deems it appropriate to elaborately explain to Jason about her “vision boards.” Why can’t they keep a lid on their crazy? At least in the beginning?
- Brazilian Raquel blows Shannon’s feeble attempt at salsa dancing right out of the water.
“Wow, three languages… really? And the MCAT?
Where’s that cheerleader?”
- As Lauren chats with Jason he gets up to go and grab something. First Impression Rose? Nope. It’s a pile of creampuffs with a candle in the top for her birthday. Lauren gives him a huge smile as she chokes back tears of disappointment. Too bad, Lauren!
Here is Chris Harrison tapping his glass, but it’s not time to bestow Jason’s favor just yet. This season Chris presents us with a wicked little twist on the first night introductions. There is a ballot box and each girl has to write down the name of a girl and the girl with the most votes is out of here! Hmm, I think I like this. The girls talk about who is or isn’t ready to be a mom, who won’t move to Seattle, who wore an ugly dress, who has an annoying voice, whatever. All under the guise of “who isn’t compatible with Jason.” Jackie votes for Melissa, the former Dallas Cowgirl, because she (Jackie) tried out to be a Cowgirl twice and didn’t make it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Back to our Highlights:
- Megan tells Jason that her son is only 14 months old so he’s still learning. Thanks Megan. I’m sure he’s about done, though.
- Jason finally gives the First Impression Rose to… Nikki. Miss Illinois. Sandra Bullock lookalike. Dusts in her crown. Can’t wait to be a mom. Also has most of her boobs showing, but I’m sure that had nothing to do with it.
“I just wish I’d brought my sashes!”
Chris Harrison is back in a highly dubbed announcement about the results of the Grand Vote Off. He explains that three of the girls got the majority of the votes, but the one with the very most will be leaving tonight. Here are the results: with the third most votes… Drunk Jackie. With the second most votes… Erica – who is a little hurt. And by far with the most votes… Megan. Chris brings Jason up to the front and announces that yes Megan will be leaving, but she’ll be leaving with a rose. Ah ha! This was just a ploy to stir up drama and get the girls fighting. On Megan’s way up to claim her rose she turns to the girls and says, “You bitches!” Classy. Megan’s a bit confused because she got a rose, but she’s not sure if Jason actually wanted to give it to her. Then she cries to the camera that she had been hoping to be friends with the other girls. Well, calling them bitches will help, I’m sure.
Jason now retreats to the picture room to talk to Chris about what he thinks. Chris goes out of his way to mention that this is the very room in which DeAnna sat and talked about Jason. You mean this show is in the same place every season? Get right out of town! Guess what. Jason isn’t looking forward to sending anyone home. He doesn’t want to hurt anybody. Get out, I say!
And it’s time for the roses! Nikki has the First Impression Rose and Megan has the I Pissed Off the Other Girls Rose, so there are 13 roses left. Jason thanks everyone for showing up to meet his ass and reminds them that he knows just how they feel. Here’s how it goes:
Lauren (happy birthday), Kari (the poet), Naomi (toasted DeAnna), Natalie (who?), Molly (bad eyeshadow, golfer), Raquel (Brazilian), Stephanie (Jason’s mother), Melissa (Dallas Cowgirl and major surprise), Jillian (hot dogs), Shannon (cyber stalker), Lisa (from Idaho), Sharon (quit her job to be here). Ladies, Jason, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Erica (second most votes).
Wow, lots of the girls with special introductions didn’t get roses. Renee is especially astounded because she made a vision board about this, darn it all! She envisioned this working out and it didn’t happen! Jackie is put out because she has already planned out her wedding with Jason.
“I knew I should have cut out more pictures of golf balls.”
“Great, now I have to pay the caterers’ cancellation fee.”
Jason reminds all the remaining girls how lucky he is to be here and toasts to all of them.
Coming up this season Jason has really soft lips – or so most of the girls claim. There is bungee jumping, boating, of course hot tubbing, and apparently a trip to New Zealand (like Australia, but smaller). Everyone is jealous of everyone else, everyone is a whore, everyone is here for the wrong reasons, and DeAnna comes back. It shows her saying she made a mistake, but I’m not fooled! She’s just here to giver her two cents; she doesn’t want Jason back – you mark my words! Also, Jason has a sobbing fit over the railing of a balcony – that will be a good episode. It shows him kissing a hand wearing an engagement ring and twirling a brunette girl around.
More romping with Ty through the credits in case we forgot that Jason is the super-coolest dad in all the world, how adorable.
The Glorious Fortunate Fifteen
So, what do you guys think? Are you ready for Round 13? Are you ready to have a child involved in all of this? Any early favorites or villains? Tell me, tell me!
Thanks for reading!