[jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]
At long last, it is the final episode of The Bachelor! Before Charlie decides on live television who he will pick, we have to endure Krisily and Sarah visiting Charlie’s home and family in Montalk. The first to arrive is Krisily, who meets up with Charlie on the beach. He takes her to meet his friends Steve and Frank. “I feel like I’m home cause the beach at home is so similar to this,” gushed Krisily. Yes, and when I visit Hawaii, I feel like I’m at home too because the sun at home is so similar. And when I was in Paris, man, that moon really made me feel like home cause the moon here in Canada is just like it!Charlie’s friends told him that they could tell Krisily was really into him, i.e. she would worship the ground he walks on. But what would the family think? Well Krisily was nervous, especially since Charlie’s mom was taller than she was. Krisily ran out of the room screaming, “Godzirra!” Yes, those tall people sure are SCARY. Let’s not even discuss the bone necklace Mum was sporting.
The next day, Sarah came to town to meet the ‘rents. Charlie reiterated that Montalk was his favourite place EVER, to which Sarah replied that she’d move anywhere for him. She did however, lay out the ground rules by saying she only wanted to get engaged if she knew it was right for her. Controlling, much? Seems like Charlie has to pick between a control freak and a…freak.
Everyone met with Sarah at the family home, where they put her on the BBQ and grilled her on a slow burn. Charlie’s friend Jack wanted more out of Sarah, but all she could muster up was a rehearsed, “I really really like Charlie.” She might as well have said, “I really really like broccoli.” Jack warned Charlie that he saw a control issue with Sarah, and that possibly she had whips and chains hidden away. Kinky! Jack didn’t keep this under wraps as he called her out on it at the dinner table. “I’m motherly,” Sarah claimed. “That’s just a nice way to say controlling,” Jack chimed in.
Later after Sarah had left, the family talked about the two girls with Charlie. His father told him that Sarah was a lot more mature than Charlie was. Um, has he met his son? A larva is more mature than he is.
During an intimate moment with the camera, Charlie broke down into tears as he couldn’t decide between the two girls/ His trembling lip and giant face made iim look like a cast member from Planet of the Ares. The two girls met up with him and host Chris Harisson where the news was broken that Charlie would not be choosing his girl quite just yet. He needs more time apparently. So, he will get to date the two girls in the real world, i/e. off camera.
Before the final dates were to be had. Back in New York City, Krisily met up with a very tired looking Charlie. He looks like he’s had enough of this show as much as we have. He then presented her with a gift, to which she told us some inane story about how she’s like a kid and that at Christmas, she likes to unwrap all the gifts under the Xmas tree that has her name on it, and then rewrap them. Why that’s just silly! Seriously, if I had a gun, I would have sucked back a bullet by now.
So the gift turned out to be a picture of the two of them snorkeling. “That’s so cool because no one’s ever going to believe I did that!” exclaimed Krisily. That’s right, Krisily, because no one watched the show and no one saw the FOOTAGE of you and Charlie snorkeling. Good thing you have a picture to prove it! Most people would settle for a nationally broadcast television show, but really what is that compared to a PHOTO.
Before I had a chance to rip my eyeballs out, we were back from commercial to witness the final date between Charlie and Sarah. However, it went by so fast that by the time I finished scratching my ass, it was over! What, no gift? Sarah got shafted! At least Krisily has that nicely wrinkled photo!
We were treated to a cheesy montage of clips that reminded me of bad karaoke videos. Through the magic of voiceover, Charlie described the two girls as he saw them. Sarah is “fun, keeps me on my toes, tells me to jump and I ask how high and I like that.” So Sarah’s a Dom and Charlie’s her bitch? Krisily is loyal, a good girl, one big sweetheart and will love you till the day she dies. What is she, a basset hound?
Finally it was time for the live event, where Chris Harrison spoke first to Charlie, then a babbling Krisily (natch), and a (Holy Bronzer, Batman!) very tanned Sarah B. In the audience was couple Mary and Byron, from a season of the Bachelorette that I did not manage to catch. They seemed like a nice couple, let’s see if they last/
We were shown footage of Charoie visiting his brother Jerry, Krisily going back to her family (Yay, more Nana!!) and Sarah returning to her spinster life with Lucy the dog. But now they were all back, and in front of a live audience no less! Are they seriously going to have someone get dumped in front of not only virtual strangers and viewers at home, but also their own family and friends? Wow, the sadistic level on this show has gone way up! Let’s hope it’s not Krisily as I fear what that might do to Nana, who once again proclaimed her love for “Chaleee” from the front row. Okay, she was fun at first but even Nana’s starting to tire out.
Loved the footage of the two families watching the show at home. Krisily’s family was the most enjoyable when they roared with laughter at Sarah Dub’s televised humiliation. And how can you not love Nana? Meanwhile, Sarah B’s family looked like they were having afternoon tea and congregating for their monthly book club meeting. Okay, there’s twenty minutes left and he still hasn’t chosen anyone yet. Please tell me they’re not dragging this out into a three hour torture session.
Well now they’re showing more one on one dates beginning with another babble session with Krisily. Seriously, this girl does not SHUT UP. Honey, Nana told you to open your legs, not your mouth! Now spread ‘em! Oh wait a minute, Charlie’s too much of a gentlemen to spend the night with Krisily! But didn’t he already do her in Aruba?? A close-up of a disapproving Nana popped up in the corner to show her dismay at the two not hooking up.
Wow. It’s after 10pm and Sarah’s coming out for her interview and Charlie still has not chosen. It is going to be a three hour torture session after all. Somebody fetch me the morphine! I don’t think I can go on. The temptation to give up and throw in the towel at this point is very appealing right now. I may have to retire from recaps after this is all over. The thought of another season of this is so mind numbing to me that I just want to go watch my Britney and Kevin in peace, aight!?
After much flicking back and forth, I finally return to the show and it’s time for Charlie to make his pick. Fortunately for the girls, this does not have to happen in front of the live audience, but rather backstage in private rooms. His first stop was with Krisily and he cut right down to the heart of things: he wasn’t choosing her. He even tried to buy her off in the end by giving her a bracelet of sorts. To Krisily’s credit, she held herself together seemingly well though she did finally shed some tears when Chris Harrison took her out for her exit interview.
Charlie FINALLY met up with Sarah in front of everyone to put her (and us) out of her misery by letting her know that she was indeed the chosen one. So apparently Charlie likes some hanky panky spanky? Some whips and chains and cuffs? Woof! I bet she just pours the candle wax all over him while demanding, “Who’s your Mommy!?”
Instead of proposing to her however, he gave her the doomed “promise ring” which means they’ll date for six months or so and then break up, sending Sarah back to the show as the next Bachelorette. And was there some sort of “Clap Now” cue going on because the audience would applaud and then stop, applaud and then stop, etc.
Well it’s over. Another bland season of The Bachelor managed to limp its way through all the way to the end. If there is indeed another season coming up, I don’t think I can mange. This may be my swan song, folks, and let’s hope it is for this franchise as well! Thank you all for reading!