The Bachelor: Three Hours Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back

The Bachelor

By Guest Columnist | Monday, May 16, 2005 | 11:24 pm | 25 Comments

bachelor_logo [jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

At long last, it is the final episode of The Bachelor! Before Charlie decides on live television who he will pick, we have to endure Krisily and Sarah visiting Charlie’s home and family in Montalk. The first to arrive is Krisily, who meets up with Charlie on the beach. He takes her to meet his friends Steve and Frank. “I feel like I’m home cause the beach at home is so similar to this,” gushed Krisily. Yes, and when I visit Hawaii, I feel like I’m at home too because the sun at home is so similar. And when I was in Paris, man, that moon really made me feel like home cause the moon here in Canada is just like it!Charlie’s friends told him that they could tell Krisily was really into him, i.e. she would worship the ground he walks on. But what would the family think? Well Krisily was nervous, especially since Charlie’s mom was taller than she was. Krisily ran out of the room screaming, “Godzirra!” Yes, those tall people sure are SCARY. Let’s not even discuss the bone necklace Mum was sporting.

The next day, Sarah came to town to meet the ‘rents. Charlie reiterated that Montalk was his favourite place EVER, to which Sarah replied that she’d move anywhere for him. She did however, lay out the ground rules by saying she only wanted to get engaged if she knew it was right for her. Controlling, much? Seems like Charlie has to pick between a control freak and a…freak.

Everyone met with Sarah at the family home, where they put her on the BBQ and grilled her on a slow burn. Charlie’s friend Jack wanted more out of Sarah, but all she could muster up was a rehearsed, “I really really like Charlie.” She might as well have said, “I really really like broccoli.” Jack warned Charlie that he saw a control issue with Sarah, and that possibly she had whips and chains hidden away. Kinky! Jack didn’t keep this under wraps as he called her out on it at the dinner table. “I’m motherly,” Sarah claimed. “That’s just a nice way to say controlling,” Jack chimed in.

Later after Sarah had left, the family talked about the two girls with Charlie. His father told him that Sarah was a lot more mature than Charlie was. Um, has he met his son? A larva is more mature than he is.

During an intimate moment with the camera, Charlie broke down into tears as he couldn’t decide between the two girls/ His trembling lip and giant face made iim look like a cast member from Planet of the Ares. The two girls met up with him and host Chris Harisson where the news was broken that Charlie would not be choosing his girl quite just yet. He needs more time apparently. So, he will get to date the two girls in the real world, i/e. off camera.

Before the final dates were to be had. Back in New York City, Krisily met up with a very tired looking Charlie. He looks like he’s had enough of this show as much as we have. He then presented her with a gift, to which she told us some inane story about how she’s like a kid and that at Christmas, she likes to unwrap all the gifts under the Xmas tree that has her name on it, and then rewrap them. Why that’s just silly! Seriously, if I had a gun, I would have sucked back a bullet by now.

So the gift turned out to be a picture of the two of them snorkeling. “That’s so cool because no one’s ever going to believe I did that!” exclaimed Krisily. That’s right, Krisily, because no one watched the show and no one saw the FOOTAGE of you and Charlie snorkeling. Good thing you have a picture to prove it! Most people would settle for a nationally broadcast television show, but really what is that compared to a PHOTO.

Before I had a chance to rip my eyeballs out, we were back from commercial to witness the final date between Charlie and Sarah. However, it went by so fast that by the time I finished scratching my ass, it was over! What, no gift? Sarah got shafted! At least Krisily has that nicely wrinkled photo!

We were treated to a cheesy montage of clips that reminded me of bad karaoke videos. Through the magic of voiceover, Charlie described the two girls as he saw them. Sarah is “fun, keeps me on my toes, tells me to jump and I ask how high and I like that.” So Sarah’s a Dom and Charlie’s her bitch? Krisily is loyal, a good girl, one big sweetheart and will love you till the day she dies. What is she, a basset hound?

Finally it was time for the live event, where Chris Harrison spoke first to Charlie, then a babbling Krisily (natch), and a (Holy Bronzer, Batman!) very tanned Sarah B. In the audience was couple Mary and Byron, from a season of the Bachelorette that I did not manage to catch. They seemed like a nice couple, let’s see if they last/

We were shown footage of Charoie visiting his brother Jerry, Krisily going back to her family (Yay, more Nana!!) and Sarah returning to her spinster life with Lucy the dog. But now they were all back, and in front of a live audience no less! Are they seriously going to have someone get dumped in front of not only virtual strangers and viewers at home, but also their own family and friends? Wow, the sadistic level on this show has gone way up! Let’s hope it’s not Krisily as I fear what that might do to Nana, who once again proclaimed her love for “Chaleee” from the front row. Okay, she was fun at first but even Nana’s starting to tire out.

Loved the footage of the two families watching the show at home. Krisily’s family was the most enjoyable when they roared with laughter at Sarah Dub’s televised humiliation. And how can you not love Nana? Meanwhile, Sarah B’s family looked like they were having afternoon tea and congregating for their monthly book club meeting. Okay, there’s twenty minutes left and he still hasn’t chosen anyone yet. Please tell me they’re not dragging this out into a three hour torture session.

Well now they’re showing more one on one dates beginning with another babble session with Krisily. Seriously, this girl does not SHUT UP. Honey, Nana told you to open your legs, not your mouth! Now spread ‘em! Oh wait a minute, Charlie’s too much of a gentlemen to spend the night with Krisily! But didn’t he already do her in Aruba?? A close-up of a disapproving Nana popped up in the corner to show her dismay at the two not hooking up.

Wow. It’s after 10pm and Sarah’s coming out for her interview and Charlie still has not chosen. It is going to be a three hour torture session after all. Somebody fetch me the morphine! I don’t think I can go on. The temptation to give up and throw in the towel at this point is very appealing right now. I may have to retire from recaps after this is all over. The thought of another season of this is so mind numbing to me that I just want to go watch my Britney and Kevin in peace, aight!?

After much flicking back and forth, I finally return to the show and it’s time for Charlie to make his pick. Fortunately for the girls, this does not have to happen in front of the live audience, but rather backstage in private rooms. His first stop was with Krisily and he cut right down to the heart of things: he wasn’t choosing her. He even tried to buy her off in the end by giving her a bracelet of sorts. To Krisily’s credit, she held herself together seemingly well though she did finally shed some tears when Chris Harrison took her out for her exit interview.

Charlie FINALLY met up with Sarah in front of everyone to put her (and us) out of her misery by letting her know that she was indeed the chosen one. So apparently Charlie likes some hanky panky spanky? Some whips and chains and cuffs? Woof! I bet she just pours the candle wax all over him while demanding, “Who’s your Mommy!?”

Instead of proposing to her however, he gave her the doomed “promise ring” which means they’ll date for six months or so and then break up, sending Sarah back to the show as the next Bachelorette. And was there some sort of “Clap Now” cue going on because the audience would applaud and then stop, applaud and then stop, etc.

Well it’s over. Another bland season of The Bachelor managed to limp its way through all the way to the end. If there is indeed another season coming up, I don’t think I can mange. This may be my swan song, folks, and let’s hope it is for this franchise as well! Thank you all for reading!

25 Comments

  1. 1
    Victoria
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 12:28 am

    That is a very funny and unfortunately very accurate title. After the first 40 minutes, I thought there is no reason in the world this show can’t be an hour. I knew going in that it was going to be 3 hours, but I thought that was because they were doing “After The Final Rose.” If he had told me he was going to keep dating both of us for 2 months, I would have left. That is fucked up!
    Fortunately, B-Side posted the Survivor recap so I had something to read while I wasn’t paying attention to the endless reiteration of how nervous everyone was and how hard this was going to be and they all just wanted it to be over with.
    I wouldn’t be surprised if Krisily’s family finds her hanging from the shower curtain rod in the bathroom tomorrow morning. As well as she took it on the show, I am sure she’s having a meltdown now.

  2. 2
    IndianJones
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 2:03 am

    I hate to be that guy (oh, who am I kidding, I LOVE being that guy), but could we have a spellcheck please?

  3. 3
    B-Side
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 2:10 am

    Simmer down, Indian Jones. You sound bitter like someone who didn’t get to see Molly Simms or Lindsay Lohan at a bar.

  4. 4
    l
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 4:09 am

    Please, please, please, if you end up proposing Chaleee, have someone write your proposal. The breakup speech and promise ring thing were painful to watch. Poor Krisily, after having Chris and Charlie go on and on about why we all loved you, I couldn’t tell you why because they said nothing at all.

  5. 5
    suebee
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 4:12 am

    Jaded–thanks for the quick recap but what was that other language you were typing?

    I was on the ABC message boards during the show and several people thought that everyone already knew which girl had been picked. When Nana called Krisily the “second runner up” that that was a big slip-up.

    Yes, that was definitely the biggest waste of time ever. Especially after a 3-hour night of Survivor.

  6. 6
    ldini79
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 5:36 am

    i thought they were totally setting krisily up to be the next bachelorette, the way everyone was kissing her ass and talking about what an amazing woman she was, and how america loves her. i liked krisily and i was impressed with how she took it, a pretty classy move for someone who surely pronounces library “liberry”.

  7. 7
    Holly
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 7:10 am

    I agree that they knew before hand because of the slip up by Nana. I also felt Krisily’s family was very classy to say what a great gal Sarah B. was how the parents should be very proud. They didn’t have to, but did. I saw a different side of her, a classier side than the argue with Sarah Dub side. Hell, perhaps Sarah Dub could turn Mother Teresa into a cranky witch. I also felt Chalee didn’t want to hurt anyone. Then again, I could be a sucker ripe for media controlled opinions… ;)

  8. 8
    is
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 8:43 am

    This was the funniest recap ever! Why would you not want to watch and recap anymore? Isn’t it fun to rip on something so ridiculous? It’s fun to read it.

  9. 9
    jaded
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 8:57 am

    Sorry about the typos, everyone. It was 11pm, I had just finished a three hour gauntlet of The Bachelor (my favourite show on Earth) and a spell check/proof read was the last thing on my mind.

  10. 10
    Leah3t
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 9:07 am

    I have not watched this show all season and happened to end up in front of the tv showing it at the gym. I was shocked and dismayed to see people trying to win the affections of this utterly boring person- the type that if I started talking to him at the bar, I would not want to talk to for very long. I mean, this dude wasn’t funny, wasn’t good looking, didn’t seem all that nice…..though i also couldn’t figure out why everyone was making a big deal about moving to location x or y. do they go on these shows expecting that NBC will have a candidate for them that lives in their home town?

  11. 11
    mellymel
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 10:57 am

    I would rather have the recap with typos then none at all!! It is less painful than watching the show…

  12. 12
    M
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 11:06 am

    Thanks for the recap! I love reliving and picking apart the show… and man… It was the suckiest rose ceremony yet! “I’ll be the BEST BOYFRIEND ever!!” Charlie is whacked. He is NOT ready to get married. It bugged me that he was the Bachelor because I knew he wouldn’t propose at the end (but I was still curious to see if he would). “I’ll be the best BOYFRIEND!” That’s not what the show is supposed to be about. Promise ring??? is what I keep thinking. It was dumb. I didn’t really follow the whole season but I’d watch here in there… but the prob with Krisily (pretty girl; handled the bad news well), is that she was too overeager when it came to being with Charlie. She didn’t give enough mystery and that prolly bored this guy. Sarah is cute, and I like her mom a lot, but I feel sorry for her. This morning they were on the radio on Star98.7 and apparently they were laying in bed together with hangovers. That’s amore! P.S. Not that it already didn’t suck, but thanks a LOT Nana for ruining the show!!!!

  13. 13
    couchpotato
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 11:09 am

    I tuned in after 24 (of course) to see the break-up and the promise ring proposal. Was this a joke? There should have been a counter on the monitor for how many times he said “best boyfriend ever”…. We’ll see about that. And what’s with the live audience?

  14. 14
    alohaguy
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 11:36 am

    Call me a romantic…or a sucker…or stupid…but despite the WAY too long finale, I grew to really like Charlie over the course of the show. I think he’s genuine, simple, and very kind. He tried to do the right thing–let Krisily down easily, be nice to the families, etc. He shed tears at the obivously emotionally difficult points… I wish them the best…

  15. 15
    TitoJackson
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 11:47 am

    My part of Huntington Beach had a power outage last night which cause me to miss the first hour and a half of this show. THANK YOU Edison Power Company!

    I did think Charlie was an okay guy, yadda yadda yadda, I hope they end up happy!

  16. 16
    smithie
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 12:33 pm

    Okay, it’s over and I will never, I repeat, NEVER watch that load of crap again…
    I was routing for Sarah, but seriously, they don’t even look like a couple. I think Charlie gave her the ring so she would finally put out…
    And what was up with the crinkled picture, couldn’t he have even gotten it mounted? I hate them all. And notice no preview for the next bachelor?
    It’s over…

  17. 17
    Ashes
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 12:38 pm

    I am mad that ABC cancelled the quirky, fresh show Eyes but renewed the Bachelor. If Eyes had been allowed more than a handfull of episodes, it might have gotten better ratings, while the Bachelor is now nothing more than the punchline to a joke about reality tv. Blah.

  18. 18
    Kelley
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 12:43 pm

    oh- titojackson- you really did luck out. ABC sucks for putting us through that horror. I think a full hour was dead air time with the long awkward pauses. I want Nana to be the next bachelorette! Gotta try before you buy! The whole stupid show could have happened in about 15 minutes. Just painful. Also- Mary and Byron “one of the most beloved couples on the bachelor”- huh? WTF? I had forgotten all about them.

  19. 19
    alohguy
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 12:59 pm

    Cynics!! You’re all cynics! I thought Byron and Mary looked wonderful and infatuated with each other… This stuff is all so very real!

  20. 20
    BG14
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 1:55 pm

    Didn’t it look like his teeth and lips had gone dry and he couldn’t make his lips close over them??
    I kept thinking “Charlie, use vaseline like the beauty pageant chicks do!”

  21. 21
    Jessica
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 2:24 pm

    They DEFINITELY knew before. Not only did NO ONE looked surprised, but Sarah B moved to LA last week, to be a TV producer, according to an “inside source….”

  22. 22
    suebee
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 2:26 pm

    Jaded–No problem about the typos. Reading it with the typos was much easier than sitting through three hours of Bachelor hell. Thanks so much for the recap!

  23. 23
    Victoria
    Posted May 17, 2005 at 11:39 pm

    How does someone who is a nurse move to L.A. and just “become” a TV producer? People live here for years trying to break into the business and most are unsuccessful.

  24. 24
    jaded
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:09 am

    Just read the paper, and it’s not good. The Bachelor has been RENEWED. *runs screaming from the room*

  25. 25
    Maria Cook
    Posted June 2, 2005 at 4:23 pm

    Are Mary and Byron still together

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