The Bachelor: The Island of Lost Dignity

“Look at all these pine trees!”

Tonight on The Bachelor we head for Barbados to watch three lucky girls give it up in the hopes of being The Chosen One. Poor Matt. He is just so confused because he has such a brilliant connection with three different women and he has no idea how he’s going to be able to send one of them away brokenhearted. But you’d better believe he’s going to do it! Here we go!Matt starts out by gloating to the camera that he is going to be the luckiest jerk in Barbados because he gets to be there with not just one, but three dumb girls to fall all over him. He then explains that the overnight dates are different because they are longer and more intimate. Thanks for the newsflash, Matt.

“You see, they last all night, and it’s just the two of us…”

Shayne is up first and Matt says that all the concerns he had about Shayne have disappeared. You know, all that worry that she is a silly, dramatic actress-type… nonsense! Now he just wants to make sure that they work as a couple. Shayne comes squealing up wearing a ginormous floppy hat and announces to Matt, “We’re in Barbados!” We are? Shayne would never have imagined it, but she is really 100% falling in love with Matt. They hop on some wave runners and Shayne tells us that this is the first time she’s been out of the USA. What? Haven’t Lorenzo Lamas’ child support checks been large enough to occasion a European tour? Christmas in St. Barts? What gives? Anyway Shayne and Matt have been given this huge inflatable trampoline platform that goes in the water, so Shayne jumps up on it and gives us the most important moment in the daytime portion of this date:

Seriously, we might as well skip to the final rose.

They make out in the water and then Shayne asks Matt if there are palm trees in London. Ah yes, balmy tropical London. Who doesn’t winter in London? Is this girl for real? Has she ever even seen a globe? I mean, do you really have to travel to London to know that it isn’t palm-tree-prone? Matt even accuses her of already knowing the answer to that question, but Shayne insists she doesn’t, and I, for one, believe her. Matt says that tonight he wants to spend time with “Serious Shayne,” because he wants to see less of her blonde act and more of the intelligent independent woman. Is that honestly why he’s hanging on to her? He’s convinced himself that the vacancy is just a blonde act? Why are guys honestly this retarded? I guess they’re listening to their loudest brain, and it’s not the one in their heads.

Shayne says that if she doesn’t tell Matt certain things she’ll regret it, but if she does tell him she’ll be pleased. Oh goody, let’s find out what these wonderful things could possibly be. Turns out Shayne is going to teach Matt all about stage-kissing. Like you have to tilt your head a certain way and you never use tongue. Matt pretends to be Brad Pitt – as if Shayne would ever be cast opposite Brad Pitt – and they practice stage-kissing. Except Matt uses tongue. This is so meaningful. Matt says he loves seeing this side of her – you know, the intelligent side – and Shayne admits that she loves being blonde. She’s been blonde since she was 13. Wow, glad we cleared that up and got past the blonde act. Now Matt suggests discussing the American elections. Shayne answers thus: “Listen. As far as politics goes, you know I’m smart Matt. You know I know what’s going on in the world and I’m intellectual. Is that how you say that word?” Wow, I was wrong. Shayne obviously has very articulate views on things like the economy and global terrorism. Then she claims she really did know that there are no palm trees in London. B.S.!

Shayne tells Matt that she has an announcement, but first she needs to know if he is seriously considering being with her. Matt tells her that when he looks into her eyes he sees someone he could seriously be with [for the night]. Yes, I clarified by adding that last part in. He says that Shayne is his little monkey, which is an animal I would love to be compared to. Shayne almost whispers, “I’m falling in love with you.” They do some noisy kissing and then Matt whips it out – the fantasy card, that is.

No, no Matt. Don’t get up.

He asks Shayne to read it and she has to sound out a few of the words, even saying “fargo” instead of “forgo,” but we get the picture. She pretends to hesitate for a moment thinking about it, but then she [practically] rips her clothes off and they run to the suite. It’s all cutsied-out with rose petals strewn everywhere and they even get a private pool, which they immediately hop into and Shayne immediately mounts Matt. Matt says that the only thing stopping this from being the most wonderful moment ever is that he still has to go on dates with the other two girls. Yeah, there’s nothing like spending time with an intelligent, independent and “inter-lectural” woman.

Next up is Amanda and Matt spends some time blabbing into the camera – basically trying to remind himself why on earth he ever gave her the First Impression Rose. Amanda tells us that she can’t stop thinking about Matt and that he is the one she’s been waiting for.

“He’s like, really cute.”

The first activity is zip lining and Matt tells us that he and Amanda both have a terrible fear of heights so it will be really sexy to conquer that fear together. Oh yes it will. I can’t wait to watch! As they get harnessed up, Amanda starts meeping, so she must be super nervous. She says that she’s going to zip line even though she’s terrified because this is her last chance to prove to Matt how much she really cares about him. Yes, that will show him. So in an extremely sexy sequence, Matt and Amanda overcome their fear of heights by zip lining!

Later Amanda tells us that she feels woozy around Matt. I don’t think woozy is a good thing. It’s like being car sick. She thinks the sexiest part of dating someone is being able to have a real conversation. Indeed. I hear that’s what Matt thinks, too. That’s why Shayne’s come so far. Amanda is actually worried that Matt might not offer her the Fantasy Suite Card, because with guys you just never know. They often pass up the chance to have sex with someone they find extremely hot. Over dinner Amanda starts sputtering about how she has a hard time opening up emotionally, but she doesn’t want to lose Matt because she was afraid to tell him how she feels. Matt wonders if she’s never had feelings for a boyfriend before and Amanda says she’s pretty sure she only liked her ex-boyfriends as friends, so that clears it all up for Matt. He’s the first guy she’s ever like-liked!

“Yeah, the other boys were icky.”

And speaking of like, Amanda says, “Like, I really feel like you’re the guy that like, I could be with for… forever. And like, you have everything I’m looking for, plus I like, get this feeling… wah wah wah like, wah wah wah.” Did someone just transfer from Newport Harbor?

And out comes the Fantasy Suite Card. Amanda is so relieved to even be offered the Card that she doesn’t even hesitate and immediately says, “Of course!” For once it looks like ABC has sprung for different Fantasy Suites so Matt doesn’t have to feign surprise each time he walks in with a different girl. He and Amanda sit down on the bed and he tells her how much he enjoys being with her and that he thinks they make a great couple. Amanda says “like” a few dozen more times and she tells us she feels like she and Matt have had a breakthrough. The girls always think that after they’ve spilled their guts. Amanda is DEFINITELY falling in love with Matt, what a shocker.

Bright and early the next morning Matt sets out to meet Chelsea and to take her out on a catamaran. Matt says that his relationship with Chelsea has been a roller coaster, which makes me think of Mayo, but he thinks that they made some serious headway during her hometown date. They did? That part must have gotten edited out. He’s hoping that she’s going to show up all cupid’s arrows and rose petals overflowing with romance. Well she doesn’t. She keeps her hands in her pockets and seems a bit stand-offish. During their catamaran ride they don’t really talk about anything and Matt says he’s going to have to go ahead and use the A-word. “Awkward.” The amazing connection they made in Colorado is gone. Chelsea is a million miles away and when Matt tries to hold her hand she won’t even let him intertwine his fingers with hers! This is a disaster! Matt complains about getting mixed signals, which I find very rich coming from him.

After a while the captain gets sick of listening to Matt and Chelsea pretend to have a conversation so he parks the catamaran and pushes them overboard to swim with sea turtles. Matt says he’s hoping they’ll be able to bond in the water, but this is the most action he gets:

The Pet Masseuse

Matt complains that the turtle is closer to him physically than Chelsea. Well Matt, Chelsea has a bigger brain than the turtle. What can you expect? Matt is gutted, and try as I might, I just don’t feel sorry for him at all. Later he’s kind of hesitant about having dinner with Chelsea because she is so distant, but she comes bopping up in a little sundress so Matt has to sit down and have a meal. He complains that she’s been hard to read and if there were a “Bachelor” show for a best friend Chelsea would win it, but that’s not why he’s here.

“May day!”

Chelsea says she’s very passionate about everything she does, but she’s very bothered by the fact that there are other girls involved. She’s terrified of getting hurt, and blah blah blah. Apparently this is enough encouragement for Matt to break out the Fantasy Suite Card. Seeing as Chelsea made her own Fantasy Suite proposal a couple of episodes back, it’s no surprise that she would absolutely, absolutely LOVE to accompany Matt to the official Fantasy Suite.

They head up to a room that is strikingly similar to Amanda’s Fantasy Suite, so I have to say that Shayne won on tonight’s episode. She’s the only one who got a villa with a pool. Anyway, Matt sits down with Chelsea and tells her that he’s gone out of his way to show her how much he likes her more than any of the other girls. Then he says he’s almost said too much. Oh please. Chelsea says she has a surprise for Matt, and then WE, not Matt, are treated to a striptease starring Chelsea. She slinks out of her sundress revealing little boy panties that say “pretty” in sequins, then slinks into a little black nightie and slowly pulls up one strap at a time, like we all do when we’re getting ready for bed. Then, as the delicious cherry on top of her show, she pulls her panties out from under her nightie, tosses them on the bed, and struts out to show Matt.

Off with this Amish number…

On with seduction…

Very slowly…

Who needs underwear?

I can’t tell if Matt likes it.

This is Chelsea’s romantic side, you see. Of course Matt is psyched because this means he’s getting some [more]. This makes up for an entire day of the cold shoulder. At least for now.

The next day Matt frets about having to break someone’s heart and it looks like Chelsea is still in her black nightie to up her chances of getting a rose. The girls all stand around looking petrified and I wonder who’s going to count the roses since Chris Harrison hasn’t joined us in Barbados.

Suckers!

Shayne gets the first rose, surprising positively NO ONE. She looks like she’s about to throw up. How many are left? Do you think we will ever know? And Chelsea gets the second and last rose. Buh-bye, Amanda! The First Impression recipient NEVER wins. That first rose is the kiss of death. They usually get pretty far, but they never win.

Matt walks Amanda over to a bench to explain himself and she is pissed off. She says, “Like, I’m shocked right now. I’m shocked, like…” Matt assures her that everything he’s ever said to her has been true. Amanda says that doesn’t make sense at all. Yeah! Make him explain, Amanda! He just keeps telling her how great she is and she says she doesn’t understand what the problem is. She thought she’d found true love. She calls him a name that gets bleeped and I seriously can’t tell what she says. But I agree.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost… um no.

He walks her to the limo and she tries to yawn when they stand up, but she doesn’t quite succeed. She doesn’t even look at him when she gets in the car, and after he closes the door, he does back-handsprings all the way back up the path to Shayne and Chelsea. All done feeling bad!

In her Ride of Shame Amanda cries and reiterates that her feelings for Matt are real and that she thought they had a real connection. She really thought they were going to get married! Well, look at the bright side, Amanda. Your wedding won’t get called off via TMZ.

Next time Matt takes the final two to London to see the palm trees and meet his parents. Then he’ll propose to the lucky winner. But first we have to take a time out for a Women Tell Nothing episode that will air next week. I’ll be sure to recap all the filler.

Anyone thinking Shayne WON’T win?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta