Just one, Jake. This isn’t Big Love.
Tonight is Big Decision night on The Bachelor! We’re still in St. Lucia and Jake is taking this opportunity to walk along the beach tossing pebbles into the water and pondering on how he’s fallen so in love with two completely different women.
“Golly this is tough!”
Princess Tenley is gorgeous and perfect, but Jake finds himself trying to pick her apart a bit because things seem to be going TOO well. As for Wiener, Jake’s physical chemistry with her is “lightening hot” and he feels very natural with her. He says when he’s with Wiener she makes him feel like the only guy in the room. Well, you probably ARE the only guy in the room (besides Chris Harrison). Isn’t that the point of this whole exercise? One guy, twenty-five girls? Maybe this is a sideways insult to Rozlyn, who managed to find the OTHER guy in the room. He’s very puzzled to be in love with two women at once, but he’s waiting for one of them to reveal herself as his wife. Hmm, I wonder how he thinks she’ll do that.
Time to meet the Pavelkas! Jake shows up in flamingo pink to gather the counsel of his all-knowing parents. He’s so proud of his family for shutting down their lives to help him fall in love. Ah, I remember when I shut down my life to help my brother fall in love. No wait, he didn’t even consult me. I just received a wedding invitation. Everybody bawls as Jake doles out hugs all around. The women all seem to be in jersey jumpers of some sort. No haute couture for this family of physicians.
“Look Jake! We wore our love-jumpers!”
Jake is overcome with emotion and wishes they could kick away the coffee table and dog pile. And speaking of dog pile, he has two completely different women that he is deeply in love with and he needs help. First there’s Princess Tenley, who is 25 but has lots of life experience (in other words, comes with baggage). Wiener is really smart and drop-dead gorgeous and she made a lot of enemies for coming solely for the purpose of Jake (in other words, an immature brat). Jake’s mom wants to know if this is the girl that everyone hated and when Jake says yes, she warns him that there might be something to that. Imagine that.
“My love-jumper doesn’t like the sound of this girl…”
Jake instantly regrets describing Wiener this way right off the bat, but it’s too late now!
Ah, here comes Princess Tenley bearing floral gifts and flanked by singing cartoon animals.
“Getting to know you, getting to know all about you…”
She tells us that she’s nervous to meet the Pavelkas, but that’s okay because when she gets nervous she sings a happy tune and all is right with the world. She enters the suite and clasps her hands to her chest as she’s introduced to everyone. She assures everyone that she is taking this ordeal quite seriously, and does not want to just be in love with the IDEA of Jake, but the actual Jake. A jumper-clad sis-in-law asks, “How do you know?” Princess Tenely says she knows because of Jake’s character and values and she knows that his parents have been a wonderful example to him and she’s so thankful for that. Wow, she’s ON FIRE. Dad even cries. Princess Tenley says that’s okay because tears are just your heart saying a prayer.
She sits down with Mom who has some questions. She wants to know how Princess Tenely will handle disagreements with her sisters. This is important because the Pavelkas have daughters-in-law and Mom knows that the women are the glue and can make or break relationships. Princess Tenley puts her hand on her heart and tearily explains something that is “hard for her to share,” (all evidence to the contrary). You see, she was married once before and her husband left her. The fact that this was very difficult for Princess Tenley proves that she doesn’t give up, even with conflict. Um, it does? I think all the heart clasping and tears confused Jake’s mom into thinking she gave the right answer. Mom: Will you get along with my daughters-in-law? Princess Tenley: Well I was divorced and it sucked. Mom: Good enough!
Next is an audience with Dad. She launches into a speech about how much she has enjoyed listening to Jake tell her how much he admires his father and his parents’ relationship. Okay, Princess Tenley is pushing buttons. I’m actually surprised it’s not set to music. She has so much love to give and when she walked in this morning she realized she could be part of this family! This means so much to her because you see, her former in-laws were very hurtful toward her but she knows that the Pavelkas are just overflowing with love and kindness.
“Can I call you Daddy, then?”
Mom and Dad are both sold. In fact, Mom wants to know what problem there could possibly be with Princess Tenley. She’s perfect! She walks in springtime wherever she goes! Well, Jake says that he’s never shown Princess Tenley his goofy side. Like if she were standing close to the pool, Jake would push her in. Mom says to tell her, and quick. So Jake goes outside and tells Princess that his family loves her and all that, but it’s hot – we should jump in the pool! So he grabs her and runs to the pool and jumps right in – flamingo pink shirt and all. Will Princess Tenley understand this? She’s never seen Jake’s goofy side, and this might change everything. It doesn’t. She morphs into Ariel mode and jumps in right after him, immediately becoming a mermaid princess. Ha ha ha, Tra la la. Life is so beautiful when you’re in love. A dream is a wish your heart makes.
“Someday I’ll be… part of your world!”
The Pavelka brothers want to join the fairy tale, too, so they leap in after the love birds. The girls, however, aren’t so sure and they just dip their toes in the shallow end, content to watch the fairy tale from afar.
Who doesn’t love a happy ending?
The family concludes that the woman tomorrow had better be something pretty spectacular if she thinks she has a chance of measuring up to Princess Tenley.
The next day Wiener arrives with no cartoon animals and a fruit basket instead of flowers. Mom is already disappointed. Wiener’s hair is also kind of a rat’s nest. Nothing like Princess Tenley’s tiara-ready coiffure. Jake keeps insisting that if Wiener is just herself then the family will love her just like he does. Everyone sits down in the living room and Mom asks Wiener to tell them about herself. She talks about the small town she’s from, then about how awful it was to have to take a road trip in an RV with a bunch of bratty girls. She giggles that the other girls hated her from the beginning and the Pavelkas begin exchanging disapproving glances. How can a girl who everyone hates be the glue that holds the Pavelkas together?
“This one’s no princess.”
They sit down to breakfast and one of the sis-in-laws wants to know why Wiener didn’t get along with the other girls. Wiener says it’s because she’s brutally honest. So the sister asks if she looks fat in her muumuu. Wiener says yes then laughs really hard. Well, she asked! The sisters comment that Wiener is nothing like Princess Tenley and Wiener says, “I’m not a robot.”
Whoa! I think you meant to say “princess” not “robot,” there Wiener. Everyone is appalled. They want to know what she likes about Jake and all she can come up with is, “He’s sweet, I don’t know.” Crickets. She looks desperately at Jake for help and he just says he told her there would be tough questions. Sorry, but I don’t think that “What do you like about this man you want to marry?” is a tough question. Get a grip, Wiener. Talk about your ex, that always seems to work for the princess.
Mom is super concerned and pulls Jake aside to tell him so. She’s VERY worried about how Wiener will get along with the family. Jake says to ask Wiener. Mom is certain that if Wiener could “poke” at the other girls then eventually she will be poking at her sisters-in-law and ultimately Jake. She sees this as a huge red flag. Jake just shrugs and says he doesn’t see it. Mom says she doesn’t want to upset Jake, but she wants things to work out in the long run.
“Someone’s got to be the referee when you and your brothers fight.”
Next Jake’s brothers take him aside and say that the whole “brutal honesty” thing is just an immature defense mechanism. Jake agrees that Wiener is not as mature as the princess, but he hopes they will see what he sees. The sisters-in-law interrogate Wiener as to what she thinks of Princess Tenley. Wiener says she’s sweet, but a yes-girl, which is annoying. Whereas Wiener teases Jake and brings out his fun side. She can’t imagine that Jake likes both of them because they’re so different. She says she thinks Jake is in love with her and not with Princess Tenley. The sisters-in-law are very amused. Wiener can’t picture her life without Jake. The sisters nod and say yes a lot.
Oh, here comes the interview with Mom. Mom immediately says she’s concerned that Wiener didn’t get along with the girls because of the whole women-are-the-glue theory.
“Yeah, no. I hate girls.”
Wiener says that it’s not that she was a bad person in the house, it was just that she stood true from the beginning and some of the girls didn’t like that. Well, okay, but I have to admit that there IS something to be said about someone whom no one liked. Wiener might not be Satan, but she does seem like a bit of a brat. And super annoying when she would talk about her dates.
Meanwhile Jake’s sisters-in-law are tearfully telling him how badly they misjudged Wiener. Where did this come from? After talking to her for five minutes they can really see that she loves Jake and brings out the good in him. Sniffle. Jake gives hugs and says he did the same thing at first. Feel the love!
Mom wants to know what Wiener will do when things get rough and Jake-the-pilot is not around. Wiener thinks really hard and says, “I’ll have you guys.” Ding, ding! Excellent answer, Wiener! You win one smile from Mom. Wiener starts bawling and says she can’t imagine leaving here without Jake. She then thinks to compliment Mom on raising such a fine young man. There you go, Wiener. Now you’re competing with the princess. Mom admits that her mind is changed about Wiener. She gave good lip service and won her over. Mom even apologizes to Wiener for jumping to conclusions. Pretty soon it’s one big love fest with all of the Pavelkas. Jake beams and tells us he’s proud of Wiener.
So now Jake knows that his family likes both women! That gives him some peace, but doesn’t make his decision any easier, of course. It’s time to get smelly so Jake heads over to some sulfur springs to meet Wiener for their final date. Jake announces that this is a natural spa and they will be playing in the mud, which feels like silk (and smells like poop). So they strip down to their bathing suits, jump into the crap, and smear each other with mud like jubilant little pigs. Wiener traces “I love you” into Jake’s mud-slathered chest and Jake giggles and makes out with her. Wiener tells us she was melting. Nothing says sexy like a romp in sulfur!
I hear the rotten egg smell is an aphrodisiac.
Wiener invites Jake back to her room for cheese and crackers and he tells us that he still needs to make sure his attraction to her isn’t merely physical. Wiener tells us she has found her soul mate and she knows in her heart that she and Jake are going to be together forever. Or at least a few weeks. She tells us she has a super-special present for Jake, which is the ring her dad gave her as a symbol that she’d never elope again. My dad gave me one of those too! Oops, I mean, no, not at all… psycho. It’s meant to tell Jake she wants to spend her life with him. Wiener sits Jake down and tells him she knows they have crazy chemistry, but she wants to be his best friend someday. Jake says he came here looking for a best friend, so right on. He wants to know what it was like to be married and Wiener says it was horrible because she knew as soon as she did it, it was a mistake. Plus it totally crushed her dad. But it made her the mature woman she is today (?) and now she knows that when she gives her heart it will be for the right reasons. Like a lifelong contract with ABC.
She hands Jake a little round wooden box containing a rolled up piece of paper tucked into her daddy ring. It’s a note telling him she’s giving him her heart. They make out and cuddle on the bed for a while and Jake says he can’t believe it’s their last date. Wiener is super worried about losing Jake to Princess Tenley, but off he goes, leaving her full of doubts about where his heart is.
The next day Jake is super-duper confused because in case you didn’t know, he is in love with two women. He had an AMAZING date with Wiener yesterday but he’s ready to shelve that and concentrate on Princess Tenley. She comes running toward Jake and leaps onto him in a short, short skirt. Her cartoon animal friends have to strategically place themselves so we don’t accidentally see the crown jewels. She tells us she’s very in love and can’t wait to play with Jake all day long. She wants to make every moment count because today could set up the rest of her dreamy life. They get onto a boat and some dolphins swim right up to take the place of Princess Tenley’s land-dwelling animal pals.
“I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream!”
She and Jake “take the plunge” by snorkeling and they twirl and frolic in the water and Jake grabs her butt. Princess Tenley says the moment is perfect and Jake is the man she wants to marry.
Later back on the boat Jake is acting all kinds of fatigued. Princess wants to know what’s wrong and Jake admits that he’s worried about their chemistry. See, emotionally they have awesome chemistry, but physically the chemistry isn’t as hot – and he doesn’t mean sexually. Naturally Princess Tenley is confused because what is physical chemistry if it isn’t sexual? Jake says it’s that crazy in-love feeling, which Princess Tenley says SHE feels, does Jake not? He stammers that it’s building slowly, and trying desperately to save this, Princess Tenley says that’s the way it’s supposed to be. She’s seeing major red flags and guess what this is making her think of: her ex-husband and how awful it was to be with someone who didn’t love her. She’s not going there again!
“I danced for you, you creep.”
She tells Jake she wants to be with someone who loves her as much as he possibly can. Jake lamely says, “I’m not saying I’m not that guy…” but what, you’re not saying you ARE that guy either, right? Smooth one.
Later Princess Tenley lights candles using the brilliance from her eyes and she frets and frets about what’s going to happen tonight after the day’s revelations. Jake arrives and he’s kicking himself for hurting Princess Tenley’s feelings, but he only tells US that, not her. Princess says she really wants to have fun tonight but first she wants to know what the crap Jake meant earlier. Jake says he’s thought real hard about it and then gives her a list of all of the physical attributes he loves about her. He loves that he can be honest with her and that even though he botched his speech on the boat, she’s still here trying to figure out what he meant. As if she had a choice at this point. Jake keeps talking about this awkward phase they’re in and Princess Tenley just keeps dreaming of happily ever after.
They head for the bed where Princess cracks some champagne and gives Jake a gift. It’s a shadow box featuring pictures of the two of them as a couple and trinkets from their dates.
Product Placement: Michael’s Crafts
Certainly not as original as Wiener’s daddy ring, but Jake acts like he’s touched nonetheless. She tells Jake she loves him and they smooch. Jake goes, “It’s been absolutely amazing falling for you.” They start making out and Princess Tenley tells us, “Tonight is the night I’m going to prove to Jake that our chemistry is real in every single way!”
Oooohhh, now it’s time for Jake to think. The next morning he wanders out onto his balcony and pontificates once again on all of the ups and downs with both girls. He’s happy, but torn… and in love.
“Did that towel just roll itself up?”
We then visit each girl and wouldn’t you know it – they both tell us they’re completely in love with Jake and ready to marry him. Wiener even says, “Jake and I’s chemistry is off the charts.” The periodic charts, Wiener?
There is a knock at Jake’s door and it’s the show’s new best friend, Neil Lane! He’s carrying a metal suitcase handcuffed to his wrist. Jake explains to us that an engagement ring is a promise between two people that they’re going to be together forever. Oh, is that what those mean? Cause you’d never know it from watching this show. They always interview the couple after she gets the fat diamond and ask them if they have any plans to marry. On this show the ring is a prize. A grand prize. Neil Lane asks to hear about the girl and Jake of course can’t tell him anything because he hasn’t decided yet. Wiener wants a princess cut and Princess wants a round cut. Hmm, that sounds backwards.
“Move your finger so my logo shows. That’s it.”
Neil Lane comes up with a brilliant compromise, which is for Jake to take a square and a round, sit with the rings a while, and see if the answer becomes clear. Thanks for stopping by, Neil Lane! If I’m ever in need of some overpriced jewelry… I’ll go somewhere else.
Jake sits with the rings and frets and frets. His heart is leading him to both women! How will he ever do this? How can he ever make this decision? He’s made his decision. And he knows in his heart it’s right. And that’s exactly how Jake narrated his transition from tormented to perfectly content. Now he’s just worried about having to reject someone. The girls are slipping into their Grecian gowns and fastening on their giant earrings, both of them ready to accept Jake’s proposal and get their fairy tales on the road! Each climbs into a helicopter to be delivered to Prince Charming. Jake says, “I know what’s in my heart. And I know what I’m doing is right.” And they use that sound byte several more times before we’re through here.
The first helicopter swirls around and lands near the Proposal Platform while Jake stands there with tears streaming down his face. Out steps… Princess Tenley in a gold goddess gown. Chris Harrison takes her by the arm and leads her up a staircase and to the foot of a bridge, then very symbolically leaves her to cross the bridge to Jake alone.
“Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect I’m afraid.”
Princess Tenley tells us she’s just positive she’ll be receiving a proposal right now. She steps onto the Proposal Platform to face her future… and Jake. Jake begins his speech again about what he loves about Princess, but he’s crying while he talks, which tips her off and she begins to cry too. Jake says he doesn’t know what it is, but something doesn’t feel right. Princess Tenley reminds us all that she needs a man to love her completely so she appreciates Jake’s honesty. She also thanks Jake for showing her that she can love again. Boo hoo hoo. Jake stands there looking as guilty as if he’s being arrested.
“I swear, officer. She said she was 18.”
They both hug and cry and then Jake goes to walk her out but he breaks down, grabs her and sobs that he’ll never forget her or meet anyone like her. Princess Tenley sobs, “Then why are you saying goodbye?” He admits that something isn’t coming naturally. What? With the princess of all that is natural? Ugh, goodBYE Princess Tenley. We know that you feel alive again and will always love Jake for it. Now get on the helicopter.
Jake bawls and carries on about how awful that was and Princess Tenley rides away in an SUV telling us how broken her heart is. Jake cries on the bridge and princess cries in the car that he will figure out the mistake he made. He must not know what he wants. “Goodbye, St. Lucia sun,” she says. The sun calls out, “Fare thee well, Princess Tenley!”
Now on to bigger and better for Mr. Pavelka. There’s another helicopter hovering nearby and it’s about ready to land. Ah, here’s Wiener in a teal toga.
“Jake and I’s life is about to begin!”
Chris walks her to the bridge, then leaves her alone to walk the Path of Delight to the Proposal Platform. She tells us her place in life is with Jake. When she found him she found herself. She and Jake tell each other how great they look and then Wiener takes the lead and tells Jake how in love with him she is. Jake tells her she’s great, but there’s something she needs to have. He pulls out the daddy ring and tells her to please take it back – what would he do with it? Of course Wiener cries because she thinks he’s telling her she’s out, but he tells her there’s something else. He loves her! With everything that he is! And down he goes on one knee to pull out the NEIL LANE princess cut diamond that Wiener specified.
“Jeepers, we’re going to have hot kids.”
He asks her to marry him and of course she says yes. Wheeeeeee! Wiener wins the prize! The Neil Lane prize! It’s a fairy tale come true! It’s happily ever after. On the Wings of Love kicks in, of course and we get another Wiener montage. What a sweet couple. I bet they last 100 years!
And that does it for another round of The Bachelor! Were you surprised with the outcome? Anyone going to tune in to watch Ali?
Thanks everyone for being such awesome readers and commentators this season. The show NEVER changes, but you guys make it all hilarious and fun.
Thanks for reading!