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Wow, where to start with the latest installation of The Bachelor? Tonight Jason Mesnick blew up in America’s face and left grody little pieces of himself all over our TV screens. Let’s get started.I’m going to pretty much scan over the initial two hour finale for a couple of reasons. First of all, it was total filler, and secondly, it was total bogus. Here’s what happens: The whole Mesnick family crosses two hemispheres to interrogate and pester Jason’s two final choices. We get tearful Ty reunion number 546 with Ty scampering – yet once again – into his daddy’s open arms and then rolling around in jubilation. Then Melissa turns up to see if she can properly prove in two hours that she knows how to play with a child, which obviously translates into being the perfect stepmother. She passes, no doubt thanks partially to her multiple cheerleading kicks and leaps. Jason’s brothers give her crap about having parents who don’t want to sign Bachelor waivers and she takes it all with her dignity pretty much intact.
Molly shows up to be initially ignored by Ty – will this kick her right out of the running? – but then she’s able to win him over by throwing a Frisbee around on the beach with him. Phew. Molly can also be a mother. She proudly announces to the Mesnicks that she is in love with Jason and the Mesnicks all seem to think that she’s quite sincere. Since Molly’s family was as dumb as Jason’s family in agreeing to be on the show, the Mesnicks feel like they are all on the same wavelength. No one – and I mean no one – has any idea whom Jason should choose. Of course they don’t.
Each girl gets one final shot to sway Jason into her court, so Melissa presents her parents on a silver platter, or more accurately, a telephone, so that Jason can see they’re not really the reclusive weirdos everyone once thought, but they are sweet and open and would be fantastic in-laws. Molly makes Jason a ginormous scrapbook of their time together because she momentarily thought she was on a show called “Girlfriends for Life.” Both girls are completely in love with Jason and want to marry him and he is completely in love with both girls and has absolutely no idea what to do. Minus Ty, you could swap this out with any previous Bachelor season in history and not miss a beat. Jason even goes and picks out his ABC-sponsored diamond engagement ring.
And now just as Jason sits back to relax, read a book, and let destiny take its course, who should come a-ringing at his doorbell? I have no idea! It’s not like it’s been teased since minute one of this season – not to mention at every commercial break tonight. Who could it be? Why it’s our former heroine DeAnna! That’s right, the very woman who DeNied Jason, but taught him that he could love again, leading him straight into his present DiLemma. DeAnna looks different than she usually does in her glamour press shots. For one thing, she doesn’t look as slender as she did during her I’m-engaged-to-a-snowboarder phase. Apparently snowboarding is good exercise; I should look into it. Also, she is dressed like a house frau, which is supposed to prove I don’t know what. Basically she looks dumpy. And she’s supposed to be here to lure Jason back? Spruce it up, DeAnna. No one’s jumping off of their couches to date you anymore.
Anyway, Jason’s like, “What are you doing here?” He looks more annoyed than surprised or even curious. DeAnna’s like, “I came to visit you!” as if that clears everything up… in New Zealand. Yeah, she was just in the neighborhood and he was on her mind so she stopped by to warn him about making the biggest mistake of his life… in New Zealand. DeAnna talks to the camera and tells us that she came here because she lost out on a great man. Oh puh-lease! You came here to get your face back in front of the camera lens and that’s all there is to it. Well, that and ABC needed something to tease all season and they hadn’t yet taped the ATFR special. DeAnna tells Jason that in choosing Jesse (The Riddler) she was only thinking that he was someone she’d have fun with and she didn’t consider what she wanted or needed. We’re really supposed to believe that after all of the hours of heartbreaking deliberation DeAnna put us through that she never even considered what she wanted or needed? It may be time to re-read the script because I’m not buying this. Jason says that he is currently in a situation where there is the girl who feels safe and is everything he’s ever wanted, but then there’s the wild card who COULD be great, but he doesn’t know. DeAnna says that’s exactly how she felt, but she chose the wild card and wishes she had chosen the safe bet – Jason – because things would have worked with him. No they wouldn’t have. She says that if she had it to do over she would make a different decision and that’s why she’s here. Jason hasn’t proposed yet, sooooo… how about it? Then she just sits there blinking. Jason’s like, “Well thanks for stopping by!” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh how stupid is this? How stupid do they think we are? We’re really supposed to think DeAnna did this of her own free will? No way. She tells him one more time not to choose the wild card and then adds not to follow his heart, but to lead it. Interesting advice, DeAnna. It’s now time to DePart. As her car drives away, DeAnna looks as relieved as I’ve ever seen anyone look to be leaving a situation. That was an incredibly sincere interlude.
Later Jason paces around wondering some more what he’s going to do being in love with two women and all. Molly’s great, Melissa’s great. I love Molly, I love Melissa. Maybe splashing in the pool with Ty will help clear things up. It doesn’t. The girls each take yet another turn telling us how much they love Jason, how desperate they are to get married, and how badly they want to be Ty’s stepmom. At last Jason puts on a flaming purple suit and heads out to the grassy knoll to get this done.
Right about now I get a text message from my (gay) coworker that says “Are you watching this gay shit?” And I notice my voicemail light flashing and retrieve a message from my other coworker who is completely appalled by the music. She suggests that for next season they just hire a violinist to stand around in the background playing for us to feel sorry for everyone. Well, anything would be better than this gay shit, right?
The first limo pulls up and out pops Molly. So this confirms what most of the internet has been buzzing about from the season premiere – that Melissa is The Chosen One. Well, let’s see how Jason’s going to handle this. He starts by fixing a deadly serious expression on his face and not even Molly’s matching purple can bring him a smile. Much like she did with the Fantasy Card, Molly steals Jason’s thunder by making a speech about what an incredible journey this has been and that she wouldn’t change one thing about it no matter what happens. Jason’s like, “Your eyes, your eyes, amazing, your eyes… but I have to let you go.”
Molly kind of laughs and looks down. Jason works up some fake tears and says he has no good reason to offer except that he’s in love with someone else. Molly finally pipes up and tells Jason she thinks he’s made a big mistake. As he walks her out to the dumpster, she whispers that she doesn’t get it and starts telling him some more that he’s making a mistake and he’s going to end up hurt again. Jason goes, “I think you’re wrong.” And Molly does the lip service that she hopes she’s wrong because Jason deserves so much, blah, blah blah. As Jason shoves her into the limo he assures her that everything was real. Molly has this half-smile on her face through all of this that I can’t quite figure out. I guess it’s her way of not showing emotion. So as she drives off she breaks the one wish her father had of her through all of this (not to cry on her Ride of Shame) and starts bawling. Meanwhile Jason stumbles to his balcony and has the hysterical fit that we’ve also seen on every single episode this season.
Molly tells us that she thought Jason would be smarter about this because he’s been hurt in the past, but he’s making a huge mistake, which he’ll eventually learn the hard way.
Jason dries his eyes and gets ready to have some fun. As he trots back out to the Proposal Platform he tells us he has no doubts about Melissa and can’t wait to get that ring on her finger. He talks about how pretty Melissa is – you know, the important stuff – and gets all psyched up to tell her everything. Melissa looks quite pretty in her gold bed sheet.
She steels herself for Jason’s speech. He tells her that he’s been looking for someone exactly like her. Exactly. He says he’s completely in love with her and she starts jumping up and down and screaming. Then Jason drops down to one knee and brings out his product placement ring. Melissa stops him mid-proposal and turns around to scream and wiggle – sticking her butt right in Jason’s face in the process, how romantic.
When he asks her to marry him she kneels down next to him, which is actually really sweet, and says, “You want to marry me?” And he gives her the ring. There is much squealing, much giggling, much twirling around, much posing for the fly-by helicopter shots, much Ty in a tuxedo, and much jumping into the pool fully clothed (nuts to you, costume donors). Well that’s all precious, but let’s get to the meat of the evening, shall we?
After The Nonsense
So it’s been six weeks since the love fest and we’re reuniting to catch up with everyone and see how they’re all doing. Chris Harrison warns us that a lot has happened. There is no studio audience tonight because this is going to be so emotional that they wanted to keep things private out of respect for everyone. Private? This IS being televised, or am I mistaken? Well whatever, out comes Jason with his well-rehearsed somber expression getting ready to squeeze out some tears. He begins by telling us again how wonderful Melissa is and how he’s waited his whole life to meet someone just like her. But things have been different since taping wrapped and they’re just not right for each other. The chemistry is different now. And Melissa knows that things are different – at least for Jason. And here it comes… he can’t stop thinking about Molly. He’s doing all he can to make this work with Melissa, but he can’t deny his true feelings. Hmm, just a quick question: Does thinking about Molly all the time help make things work with Melissa? Just wondering.
He goes on to say that when Molly left she took a huge piece of him with her and that piece made him feel alive. What, was it a pacemaker? Chris asks if he’s talked to Molly since New Zealand and Jason says no, because he’s been busy being a hero trying to give Melissa a chance. If he could control his head and heart he would, but he can’t. Chris wants to know what Jason plans to do tonight. Jason says first he’s going to publicly dump Melissa – right here onstage, and he justifies this by saying he would advise Ty to do the same thing in a similar situation. Oh give me a break! Then he’s going to bring Molly out and see if she still has the hots for him. Sounds wise, Jason. Bring it.
Before Melissa comes out, Chris reminds Jason how angry and hurt he was by DeAnna. Jason just says that Melissa has every right to be angry with him, too. Oh yes, saying she has a right to be mad at you makes it much better, Jason. Chris grins as he announces Melissa’s entrance. He hugs her and invites her to have a seat. Jason dives right in reminding Melissa that he’s realized things are different now as he’s told her on the phone. Then he repeats everything he said to Chris in the last segment about them not being right for each other. Melissa is furious.
She says that she doesn’t believe him and she thought things were perfect. She calls him out on running away at the first sign of doubt instead of trying to hang in there and fight for what they have together. Jason’s like, “You have every right to be irritated.” Well, Melissa isn’t having it and she wants more information. So Jason admits that he still has feelings for Molly, but denies again that he’s had any contact with her (lies, according to internet rumors). Melissa keeps saying Jason doesn’t want to fight for her and Jason keeps saying he can’t control what he’s feeling. True Jason, but you can control what you’re DOING, and that’s what shows someone’s character. Apparently Melissa agrees with me because she whispers, “You are such a bastard.” Right on. Jason keeps excusing himself, saying he’s not perfect, he wishes it could have worked, he found out a lot about himself. Melissa says that to her, getting engaged was a once in a lifetime occurrence and Jason took that from her. She hands him the ring and he TAKES IT! Melissa, honey, at least get some cash flow out of this. Surely the ring can’t be in the contract. Or can it?
We keep going on with this little encounter and Chris asks Jason if he’s sure about this decision and Jason says yes, so Chris leaves for them to say goodbye in “private.” Melissa is still really angry and she scolds Jason, saying he should know better than to act like this, but good luck with everything, and now leave her alone. Then she storms out of the studio, with cameras on her the entire time, and heads into a limo for her delayed Ride of Shame. Jason does another crying act. Melissa cries that it’s an awful feeling to give someone your heart and have them throw it away. She says that she’s not so much angry as hurt. She says she thought she’d be a good wife, but there must be something wrong with her because she keeps getting dumped. What’s wrong with you, Melissa, is that you keep dating jerks. She chalks all of this up to a learning experience and hopes that someday it will all make sense in her life.
Chris strolls back in to wipe away Jason’s manufactured tears, which are having a hard time getting out of his eyeballs. He says that Molly is backstage and Jason is about to get his shot. But first Jason has to go away while we bring out Molly to hear her side of the story. So out she comes all smiles and sits down to watch the recap of her journey that we have seen dozens of times.
Molly tells Chris that the week after the finale was taped was the worst week of her life. Chris asks if she still has feelings for Jason and she says that yes, seeing him all over the media makes her remember what an amazing person Jason is and she still has strong feelings for him. Molly says her biggest question for Jason is when did he know it was Melissa instead of her? Chris keeps prodding, asking if Molly ever wishes that Jason would change his mind. Oh. My. Gosh. Molly’s like, “Of course, but I would need more answers…” GAG.
So here comes Jason, back to Mr. Smiley Pants, ready to break the good news to Molly. Molly asks her big question – when did Jason know? Jason says that he’s never been so torn in his whole life and he’s never cried so hard because he honestly didn’t know whom to choose. Chris breaks into Jason’s rambling, reminding him that he’s here to tell Molly something. So Jason tells her that he ended things with Melissa because he can’t stop thinking about Molly. He thought he had found what he was looking for, but he was wrong, Molly is what he was looking for and he’s hoping they can have coffee or a drink. Molly is completely aflutter. She asks about Melissa and Jason says that Melissa is angry, but he can’t live his life with regrets. And when he thinks about living in the moment it’s with Molly. He just wants to see where it goes, so how about it, Molly? Commercial.
Molly’s still sitting there with furrowed brows and a half-smile. I can’t tell if she’s actually surprised or what. She obviously can’t be too sharp because she tells Jason that her feelings for him never went away and she’d like to see where things go. Oh good call, Molly. You know he’ll NEVER hurt you the way he hurt the last girl he wanted to marry. Party on.
Chris starts acting like this is a joyous occasion, then Jason and Molly kiss and while they’re kissing Jason whispers, “Holy crap.” Classy. Jason announces that the most important thing is that he and Molly are following their hearts – even if it is impacting other people. Nice attitude. More lovey-dovey and Chris Harrison announces that it’s not going to get any better than this. Good grief.
Okay, so I have millions of thoughts and opinions about all of this, but I’ll just share one theory and then leave it to you all to hash out. I think something must go on during the taping of this show that inflates the ego of the Bachelor or Bachelorette to absolutely unmanageable proportions. I think they are brought in and flattered endlessly, then introduced to 25 people claiming to want to marry them and then spend the next few weeks being fawned over and doted on and being told how wonderful they are, and I think they actually start to believe it. They start thinking that they are something super special. There have been Bachelors I never liked, but even the ones I liked in the beginning always turned out to drive me nuts by the end. Even DeAnna started off for me as a cute nice girl who’d been wronged, but by the end she was unbearable. I think this validated arrogance may be part of what leads these people to act like such creeps. And that’s what I think.
What do YOU think? Was this all planned? Does it matter? Will you watch again? Do you care?
Thanks for reading!